Still Searching Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I just stumbled on this site today, and I feel compelled to share my story (and like those of so many others, it's not pretty). It’s rather long, so grab some popcorn. I just felt like venting and getting it all off my chest to some people who can hopefully relate… I had broken up with my girlfriend of 5 years (on and off) and maintained NC for a month, without much difficulty. The relationship was over long before that in my mind, and so I felt fine (or so I thought). The ex then contacted me, and like so many times before, we talked about getting back together. It was right at this time that I met this new girl. Despite several signs that I should have taken into serious consideration (her flashing her chest the first night I met her, smoking cigarettes, loud/obnoxious, recent fine for possession of THC, etc.) I was somehow drawn to her personality. With this, I decided to see where this took me, and said goodbye to the ex. First mistake: jumping into a new relationship immediately. Although I enjoyed my new girlfriend's company, I did the typical comparing to the ex constantly, and although I saw no reason to leave her, I still was seriously considering going back to the old g/f out of familiarity, even talking to her for the first 4 months of my new relationship. Also, during the first few months, I ignored yet more warning signs, such as the fact that the new g/f was on depression medication when I met her, but soon after we met went off (apparently feeling she didn't need them anymore now that she'd found me. Another mistake, I have to think). Also, within the first month she came to me saying she had chlamydia. I don't know why I stayed with her, but I did, and yes, tested negative for it. She seemed to be turning herself around, quit smoking, started going to class regularly and just all around exhibiting much more mature behavior. Keep in mind that she was 18 & a freshman in college, while I was 21 and about to leave for a one year internship 3 hours away. We agreed to try the long distance thing, and met in my hometown on the weekends, as it was halfway between school and my new location. Seldom did either of us venture the entire way one way or the other to see each other, and I later realized that what I viewed as convenience may also have been selfish, as we didn't do much with her family or friends that first year. I did not have much of a sex drive (probably as a result of comparing to the ex some more), and I realize that that must have been hard on her. Also, I started to want a few weekends to myself, as I felt that I had only 2 days to take care of my own stuff, see family, friends, and her. It was during this time that I started going out with friends more and seeing her less. Sadly, I also started confiding in an older woman about my relationship: I loved her, but viewed her more as a best friend, and didn't want to hurt her. More mistakes: delaying a breakup and getting emotionally involved behind my gf's back. Looking back, the entire first year of our relationship I had been a typical young male, selfish and unappreciative of what I had before me. At the same time, she never spoke about her feelings/needs, because in her mind, being a good g/f meant letting me do what I wanted. Mistakes on both our parts. We fought often enough over various things, but also had a lot of fun times and made some great memories together. I returned to school in the spring, and we ended up working together 4 nights a week, which proved stressful as well. Keep in mind that I was talking daily with this older woman from November up until about April. In May, my g/f headed to Texas for a 3 month internship, about which I had very mixed feelings. Once she was gone, my mindset changed completely. I suddenly realized what I had, and vowed to change my ways. I had stopped communicating with the older woman on my own earlier, as I knew it was wrong. Regardless, it came out before she got back, and at that point, I was prepared to lose her for being so dishonest. Amazingly, she agreed to try to make it through. The first week she returned, things went well, although it felt strange seeing her after 3 months away. The weekend came though, and she suddenly didn't know if she wanted to do this anymore. Monday rolled around and she realized she did, only for her to break up with me the next weekend. This continued for a month straight; she even sent me home from her cousin's wedding 20 minutes before it started, telling me she again "can't do this". I drove 3 hours home by myself. The following week we were apart, and I was unable to contact her later in the week. She answered on Saturday morning, telling me she'd flown back to Houston to see if she had feelings for another guy she'd met down there, but realized she wanted to be with me. She changed her flight and came back that night, and amazingly I agreed to yet again try and make it through. The following months were very rough, as we both had obvious trust issues, and were probably both just waiting for the other to call it off. She did so right before Thanksgiving, and I did everything you read not to do (beg, cry, email, facebook stalk, etc), but to no avail. She'd call me drunk at times, and want me to come over, and pathetically, I usually did. I couldn't help but resent her during this time, as she wasn't there for Thanksgiving, my graduation from college, Christmas, and my birthday a few days later. After my birthday, she finally went NC after I saw her profile pic on facebook containing the guy she'd went to see in Texas. She had some lame excuse for it, but knew she'd been caught, and changed her phone number. That was enough for me to realize she really wanted out, and for one month I started to heal. Until... I get a random email at my new job, claiming she would like a chance to talk, and that she knew what she wanted, and realized we had a lot to work through, that she knew it’d be hard and take time, but that she was committed, no matter what. Yet again, silly me, I hear her out. Turns out the guy from Texas flew up over Christmas break and stayed with her for a week, and she slept with him. She had no good reason as to why, although I guess she thought it’d help her get over me. Because I’m either really stupid or just really loved her, I agreed to try again with her renewed commitment and realizations. She apologized to my family for doing what she’d done, and made the same promises to them. In no time at all, it was obvious she was on her way out again. We’d agreed to drive to see each other once a week (50 miles round trip) and for the past 3 weeks she hadn’t come to see me, yet I went every week as I promised. Her excuse was she couldn’t afford it, although the next night she was out at the bar with her friends (she just turned 21 at the beginning of March). She also booked a ticket to S. Carolina to see a friend, with no mention to me. I wanted to trust her, and to respect her more, but she continued to behave in the same manner, never changing. I don’t like who I was at the beginning of our relationship, and it probably shouldn’t have ever gone as long as it did with me not really being “in it” for probably the first year, but I felt I’d changed for the better and was ready to finally give love instead of take it. I made more time for her family and friends, and always took her into consideration in everything I did. I didn’t lose myself completely, as I knew how detrimental that can be. To sum things up, I realize that I made several mistakes early on, and shouldn't have kept her there until I found the love for her finally. I do believe I found that, and truly loved her (the intimacy was out of this world once I realized how much I loved her, too). I am not proud of things I did, but at the same time did alot to help her. I got her my job when I left school, borrowed her my car for 4 months, paid for her gas to come see me, helped her find an internship, etc. She broke up with me a week and half ago. NC for 6 days now, and I honestly hope I never hear from her again. She’d rather do her own thing, partying and whatnot, and will no doubt partake in negative, self-disrespecting behavior. I am trying to remove her halo and see her for what she was at the end of our relationship, which is certainly not someone I’d like to be with, yet I think about her constantly and wonder if she’ll regret this. I also wonder if I'll ever feel that intimacy again with someone, and yes, the thought of her with another guy sexually, tears me up inside. Some days have been better than others, and I feel I'm making better progress this second time around. I've made an appointment to see a counselor, not because I'm "losing it", but to talk/hash out my feelings and hopefully improve myself and reduce the risk of another failed relationship in my future. I am in no hurry to date, and will wait patiently until I know I'm ready, whether that be 7 months or 7 years from now. I guess I'm interested in any of your thoughts/comments/tips/advice. Thank you all.
Author Still Searching Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 It's day 14 of NC now, and I've done alot of lurking/reading on this forum in the past weeks. Most days I accept the situation for what it is, that she is gone for good. I'm not sure if it's right or wrong, but I try to justify it any way possible, such as telling myself she's just at a different point in life, just turning 21 and going through her party stage. The talk of a real future probably scared her, looking back, even though she is the one who started those conversations. I'm also wondering now if I ever really knew who she was, as she was a "wild" one when I met her, and seems to be reverting back to that kind of behavior. I compare her to a chameleon, struggling with her identity. From what I hear, she is already seeing someone else, which leads me to believe she had this lined up before she left again, as people so often do. Also, I've been reading up on bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder, as there is a history of mental health issues on both sides of her family. I'm no doctor, but much of what I read fits her almost to a T. Has anyone had experience dating someone with any of these conditions? Lastly, I've seen people post saying that they almost always get back in touch with you, or come back after their "G.I.G.S." has worn off, but what about in my situation? She came back once after a month of true NC, put a few weeks worth of half @$$-ed effort in, drug it out another month, and split again. Do you think I'll still hear from her again eventually? I know it shouldn't matter, and I tell myself it doesn't, but there's still that small part of me wondering whether or not she still thinks of me or will realize that if she'd tried harder, things might have been different. I thought we'd taken the right steps and talked about what the problems were previously, and I feel I made the effort to address/change them, but apparently she either wasn't interested or something. Thanks
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