optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hello there! Read through quite a few of the OM/OW posts and responses and I'm pretty sure I'm following the idiotic path of destruction, but nevertheless, here I am wallowing in pain that I inflicted on myself. So me and the MM have been working together now for almost a year. God only knows where he was 3 yrs ago, but clearly it wasn't meant to be, at least not back then. This MM and I started out as friends, laughing constantly @ work, connecting on every....single...level. It was as if he was the male replica of me. Our sense of humor, interests, thought process...everything. We were on the same wavelength 110% of the time. It was so attractive. So after a couple months of this intriguing relationship-building...here we are. He and I have been in a relationship now for about 3+ months, and I'm in love. I was married myself for about 3 yrs and have a 1 year old son with my ex (my marriage ended before this affair began, FYI), and I'm somewhat embarrassed to say that I've felt more for this MM than I did my own ex husband. I grieved and worked through my divorce and have finally been able to come back up for air again. My MM and I have THEE most twisted, wrong relationship. Although I get so much joy, pleasure, bliss, etc. from this affair, it's also left me feeling like the most selfish, evil human being on the planet. His wife is pregnant. No, let me rephrase that...WAS pregnant. She gave birth to their daughter. Yesterday. I know, I know... Quick background on MM: Has been married for 2 yrs, been WITH his wife (dating, engagement) for 8 yrs. The natural thought process would be "Oh...he's having an affair because wifey is pregnant and miserable and the lust is probably dead" and "What an @$$ for cheating on his wife while pregnant". I know. I'm not a crazy person, I swear, but I have NEVER had such a connection with someone. Ever. I know to anyone on the outside it seems at though this is fantasy land, but I truly believe there is something there. He's made it very clear to me every couple weeks that he doesn't want this to end, he would've been with me had I only come along 2 yrs ago, or if the wife wasn't pregnant, blah blah blah, but that he always wanted to be a father and he just could not bare to break up the family at this point in time, but yet he didn't want me to feel like I was being strung along. So, we both talked and I said, in so many words, that when the baby came, I would be stepping out of the picture as he needs to be there for his new family and experience the birth of his daughter w/o distractions, etc. He'll be back in the office next Tues/Wed, and I think I'm just stuck in this rut of "Will he want the affair to keep going, orrrr....". Children change things. This may have been the eye-opener he needed to realize the affair was a bad move, OR, maybe the complete opposite will happen. Not sure. I don't plan on making any first moves, that's for sure. I've met up with friends who have been introducing me to other men who I am attracted to, but the MM won't leave my head. I'm doing the comparison-game now with other men and it's just unhealthy at this point I think. I put myself in this situation and will have to deal with the consequences, I'm aware of this. I guess what I'm looking for is someone else who has been in THIS type of situation when a child was involved. How'd it go? I'm preparing for the absolute worst, but there is a small little bubble of demented hope in the back of my mind that this will end/continue in a positive way.
greengoddess Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm preparing for the absolute worst, but there is a small little bubble of demented hope in the back of my mind that this will end/continue in a positive way. You do know the only really positive ending would be for you to stop seeing him. You know that. Please do it for real. End the hope. They are a new family. You can do this. Just think of his wife and baby at home every time you see his face and think how selfish he is to do this to his wife and a newborn.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Yes, that is why I said I'm "not making any first moves". That's why I've stepped out of the picture - he needs to build up his family. If he initiates things again, or acts as though we simply hit the pause button for a week, that's where I need strength to come barging in. I'm a strong, independent person, but this man makes me feel and act completely out of character. It's unnerving and a bit scary to me. I'm trying to get rid of any hope but I think that will just take time on my end.
greengoddess Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 He probably will come back because he will not be the center of attention for a while. The baby will. You need to be strong. Don't come between this new family.
TigerCub Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I didn't know it at the time - but I was in that situation. When I got together with xMM his GF must have just given birth to their 2nd child - that he confessed about almost a year later (he told me she's younger than I suspect) so yes, I do believe that I was with him just when his GF gave birth to their 2nd child. Will your MM come to you and start up the A? HELL YA Having a kid, doesn't change people like that - it just gives them a VERY VERY convenient reason for why they WONT leave their GF/Wife, whatever... He's not going to feel guilty, or have this child's birth "open his eyes". I understand that you say that you wont make the first move - but so what? He's gonna make that move, and then yes, you do need to be strong and tell him to go and keep his sh** together for his wife and newborn. Tell him, he already chose his path in life and already decided who he's walking that path with - and its not you. Therefore, you can't be bothered by his nonsense. I know its super hard to lay down the law and walk away from him, but he's not going to leave, and you deserve better than to be a piece on the side. He made his choices, he made his bed - let him be miserable in it. Stay strong, put you first, and walk away before things get worse.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I know that's the right thing to do, I truly do. My heart can't be speaking to me any louder on that. I keep thinking back on all the late-night texts when his wife was *right* there with him...the phone calls...and unfortunately sex was involved It was taken to the ultimate level with us.
TigerCub Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I know that's the right thing to do, I truly do. My heart can't be speaking to me any louder on that. I keep thinking back on all the late-night texts when his wife was *right* there with him...the phone calls...and unfortunately sex was involved It was taken to the ultimate level with us. Believe me, I completely understand, and all the advice I'm giving you is because I've been there, and I wish I handled it the way I'm suggesting to you, and I wish I had done it a lot sooner than I did. The longer you stay in it, the more invested you will be, the worse you will feel about yourself when you're not with him, when you know he's at home with his wife and kid, but it will be so much harder for you to walk away when there is love and a connection between you 2. But he wont leave. I'm not speaking for every MM in the world, but this guy actually told you that he really wants to be a father, he's not leaving now, and it will just cause you more pain the longer he strings you along. You will do what you need to do, and you will only walk away when you've truly had enough. I just hope that you can be strong now and save yourself so much heartbreak. If he keeps chasing you after you tell him to go - just tell him "You have a daughter, is the way you're treating me or your wife any way you'd hope she'd be treated one day??? - then man the F**k up and go home to your family, and leave me the f**k alone!!"
BB07 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Why are you letting this man decide your fate? From reading your post it sounds like you are leaving all the decision making up to him as to if it goes on or if it's over. Why not take control of your life.........and make a decision about what YOU want. Looks like your choices are to keep things going just as they are, (doesn't sound like that would make you happy) or get out, or tell him that you won't be the OW anymore and you'll see him when he gets a divorce.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thanks you for the girl power kick Tiger You cannot be anymore correct, and I appreciate you taking the time to make your comment. Hopefully this week without physically seeing him WILL help me get over this hump and will give me the strength to put my foot down when he does in fact return. Only half of me thinks he'll actually try to pick the affair back up, I think there's a good chance he really will stick with his wife and and this affair with me. Heartache's gotta be the worst pain out there. I'd take cramps or a hangover any day!
Rose1977 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Tough situation. I think in order to stay strong you have to get out of the "affair fog" as people call it. I used to think it was a funny term until I saw posters struggling to end their A talking about MM like he was a saint and then coming back a few weeks later after LC/NC singing a completely different tune. I think once you start seeing the situation for what it truly is, you will have a much clearer view of what you need to do to protect your heart. I promise you I am not saying this in the least bit to be mean, but if he truly felt what you are feeling he would leave - or have a definitive plan in place to leave. I left my exH when my son was a year old, and there was no OM involved. I just wasn't happy. That's why the kids excuse always gets me. My son is 7 now and doing just fine. I am not saying he should have told his wife when she was pregnant or that he should run off with you one day after she gives birth. I am just saying, if he was serious about being with you, he would have told you, "On this date, I am telling her I am unhappy and having an A." If this were a man who truly wanted to save his family, he would be in counselling with his W trying to create a wonderful environment for their newborn rather than texting you with his pregnant wife next to him or having relations with you while his wife is at home pregnant. I hope this isn't coming across as mean, I really don't mean it to, I am just trying to lay the facts out there because I know sometimes when you are in the situation, rose colored glasses help to hide a lot of the truths. I sense a lot of guilt in your post, and I think you need to stop beating yourself up a bit and feel good about the fact that if you use your head instead of your heart right now, you will not play a part in the possible destruction of a new family. That is something to be proud of - putting somone else's needs ahead of your own. It is not the be all end all.... if it is truly meant to be with him, he will do the right thing, leave his M and start a life with you. Right now, it is easy for him to have his cake and eat it too. Good luck. Broken hearts are awful, I know
xxoo Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 If he initiates things again, or acts as though we simply hit the pause button for a week, that's where I need strength to come barging in. What he did makes me angry. Angry for his wife, and angry for you. When it was time to stand up and do the right thing as a husband and father-to-be, he did what felt good--no matter who it hurt. And now at least one woman (and maybe two) will be hurt Can you get good and angry and find strength in the anger to turn him away?
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 This was me, just a few weeks ago. I fell deeply, crazily, wonderfully in love with a MM a year ago. He has been married for 10 years and for six of those was trying to have a baby with his wife, but were infertile. They did many rounds of IVF, egg donor, etc and nothing worked. Eventually they gave up. Two weeks ago, they found out she was pregnant -- naturally. It was a huge shock to them and of course to me as well. But it changed everything. The night I found out, I bowed out, and I haven't had any contact with him since. I want him to focus on her and on raising this child. You can't be in the way when there is a baby. You just can't be. It's his family now, his child with his wife. Please just get right out of the picture and let him and his wife have their family. The first few weeks will be hell...for me every day is so hard still, but I think if someone has a child with someone else, it's usually because it is meant to be. The guilt on you for breaking up a family and forcing a new mom to raise her child alone would never make up for the happiness you have with the man.
Rose1977 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 This was me, just a few weeks ago. I fell deeply, crazily, wonderfully in love with a MM a year ago. He has been married for 10 years and for six of those was trying to have a baby with his wife, but were infertile. They did many rounds of IVF, egg donor, etc and nothing worked. Eventually they gave up. Two weeks ago, they found out she was pregnant -- naturally. It was a huge shock to them and of course to me as well. But it changed everything. The night I found out, I bowed out, and I haven't had any contact with him since. I want him to focus on her and on raising this child. You can't be in the way when there is a baby. You just can't be. It's his family now, his child with his wife. Please just get right out of the picture and let him and his wife have their family. The first few weeks will be hell...for me every day is so hard still, but I think if someone has a child with someone else, it's usually because it is meant to be. The guilt on you for breaking up a family and forcing a new mom to raise her child alone would never make up for the happiness you have with the man. Lynne, I was wondering how you were doing. I am proud of you for being so strong and doing what you feel is right no matter how badly it hurts you. Your post was so pertinent and the bolded is so true.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thank you ALL for the amazing responses. In all honesty, it took me about 3 weeks to calm myself down and talk myself out of an evil plan I was conjuring up in my head - spilling the beans to his wife. Revenge was never in my vocabulary, and in this situation it would be nothing other than a selfish move, so I've put that idea to the side...but I won't lie and say I never thought of doing it. Talk about being a home wrecker.
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I also posted this yesterday....food for thought. I saw this on LS a few months ago and it really hit home. It might give you some clarity to your situation...sadly, I know it did for mine. It just seems so bang-on when it comes to married men. Most OW don't realize that these men are usually content in their marriages and do not even ENTERTAIN the thought of leaving. Many men go into marriage fully aware that the "in love" feelings they have for their wives are going to fade. They don't expect or need to be madly in love with their wives forever. They chose her for a life partner, and usually they honor that for life. Yeah, they have certain expectations. They hope she doesn't get fat, they hope she will still want sex...but usually they will hang in there for the long haul unless things get really bad. Really bad usually means the wife is cheating or the wife is alcoholic or addicted. "Not in love with her anymore" is not grounds for divorce in most men's minds, because it is an expected result after being with someone for so many years. OW often believe that because he is no longer "in love" with the wife, that it is a dealbreaker. Many women are raised with the idea that marriage is a fairy tale and the couple will be "in love" forever. So in their minds, because the husband and wife are no longer passionately in love, the marriage is over. It's "just a piece of paper". The reality is that the "in love" feelings will morph into a comfortable, "know you like the back of my hand" kind of love. Dependable, nurturing, loving and good. A side-by-side partnership. A mutual love for family and friends. A shared past full of good times, struggles and funny things that happened. That is what marriage is, and the loss of passion does not nullify that. These men usually love their wives, they love their families and are content. They do not want a new marriage, their current one is fine. They cheat because they want excitement, new sex, the rushing, passionate feelings. Not because they want a new wife. They know that if they were to marry OW, those feelings would fade, just like with the wife. Men are logical thinkers. Why would he rewind his life, start over, just to wind up with what he already has now? They tell OW they may leave to keep her on the hook for as long as she will remain there. They love the feelings she gives them. Some even truly love her as a person. But no matter how perfect OW is, she will not usually inspire him to leave his wife, home and family. If OW truly understood this, they would have a lot less heartache. They project their "being in love is the most important thing in my life" feelings onto OM and get confused. Yes, OM may love them. Yes, she makes OM feel awesome. But to men, a love relationship is only one portion of their lives. It is fun, but not necessary. If it is available, they will indulge. But they will rarely leave their families for it.
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Thanks Rose. I hate having to be the "strong one" and I wish he had never allowed himself, or me, to get involved with one another. The drive humans have to bond, to procreate, is the most intense drive we have, and for him and I it was almost unstoppable. I feel like if we ever talk again, we will move mountains to be with one another again, and that would be a disaster, because we really do love each other and want the best for each other. I know how much he wanted to be a father, and I know how much he loves his wife and their relationship. He's human and flawed and he and I got the better of one another, and I WISH I could have him to myself and have a child with him, but that's not the way things turned out. I am trying to adhere to the Sting school of thought -- If you love someone, set them free. I love him that much that I have to set him free. I had enough "power" over him that if I'd wanted to continue the A or if I wanted him to leave his W, he might have...but I know better. You just don't do that to a wife/pregnant lady/mother. I hate everything about the situation. I hate missing him, I hate feeling like I'll never find anyone that compares to him, and I hate that because he is a very very very well known man, I will be subjected to seeing images and videos of him and his wife/child on the internet. It's just so sad and awful for me, I can barely breathe sometimes. But this is life. For some of us, like him, dreams come true. For others, like me, it feels like not so much.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Lynne - that was the most mind blowing thing I have ever read. I needed to read that. I need to hang that on the fridge or something! Wow...that cannot be a more clear, honest explanation of an affair. Wow. THANK YOU!
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thank you so much Lynne for sharing. What you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel...as though I will NEVER feel like this again with anyone, nor find anyone like him. Ever.
TigerCub Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Thank you ALL for the amazing responses. In all honesty, it took me about 3 weeks to calm myself down and talk myself out of an evil plan I was conjuring up in my head - spilling the beans to his wife. Revenge was never in my vocabulary, and in this situation it would be nothing other than a selfish move, so I've put that idea to the side...but I won't lie and say I never thought of doing it. Talk about being a home wrecker. I don't think you're a bad person for having those thoughts or feelings. I'm glad though that you have given it some thought and decided that it would only be selfish to cause the wife all this pain just because her husband is a coward that tried to use you. If he tries to start things up with him, after you've told him to leave you alone - you could use that as a threat though. If he wont leave you alone, you could tell him that you will tell his wife unless he backs off. But to do it now out of revenge would be selfish and I'm glad that you see that. You are fully justified in having those thoughts/urges, but I'm glad its not getting the best of you
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 For me, I don't think I ever will meet anyone like him again, and I do feel like it may mean that I either really "settle" or I just stay alone. Hopefully in time I will over come it, and so will you, and we'll meet others. If not, then I am just trying to be okay on my own, which is really hard, but I have no choice. The man I met is a spectacular person -- definitely the "dream man" in my world and giving him up was the hardest thing I've ever done (and I've had horrible things happen in my life, so I don't say this lightly). I hope it is easier for you. I don't believe he's a "bad" person because he had an affair with me. I believe the truth, which is that he fell so hard, like I did. Another lifetime, another time and place, and I would have been having a family with him. Just not this one. The one saving grace I have is that I have done the right thing here, as have you.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Well speak of the devil....mister MM called me this morning - on his way home from the hospital. WTF?! I'm in awe. Just in awe...that he thought of ME on his way home from the hospital. What on earth is happening?
xxoo Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Well speak of the devil....mister MM called me this morning - on his way home from the hospital. WTF?! I'm in awe. Just in awe...that he thought of ME on his way home from the hospital. What on earth is happening? My guess-- He's stressed, overwhelmed, unable or unwilling to be a responsible husband and father....and when the pressure is on, he seeks a "hit" of his favorite drug: you. You give him pleasure, release, dopamine (even if it is just a phone call) so he can go back and function in his "real" life a while longer. He likely wouldn't have any better coping skills if he were married to you.
BB07 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Well speak of the devil....mister MM called me this morning - on his way home from the hospital. WTF?! I'm in awe. Just in awe...that he thought of ME on his way home from the hospital. What on earth is happening? Don't you see that as terribly insulting to his wife and you and low of him to do that on such a occasion?
Snowflower Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 My guess-- He's stressed, overwhelmed, unable or unwilling to be a responsible husband and father....and when the pressure is on, he seeks a "hit" of his favorite drug: you. You give him pleasure, release, dopamine (even if it is just a phone call) so he can go back and function in his "real" life a while longer. He likely wouldn't have any better coping skills if he were married to you. When I first read optomistics post about him calling her on the way home from the hospital, I thought, wow, what a complete jerk he is. It made me ill. But I think this post hits it on the head, This guy has no coping skills. At a time when he and his wife should be excited and happy, he is all freaked out and using optomistic as a crutch. How truly sad for both the wife and optomistic. OP, I hope this helps you see him more clearly. Remove the rose-colored glasses.
Author optomistic_nonsense Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Yyyyyeah....as the day dragged on, it began to sink in more and more. The conversation was quite awkward. He said "Hey...on my way home hauling some stuff there, saw the clock and thought 'ahh, it's 8:30, the usual time you and I talk every morning on our way to work, i'll give her a call!', so...wow, this is just crazy, I'm a dad! It's just amazing, I can't believe it, she's beautiful, I was showing her off to the entire family"....etc... There was about 5 seconds of complete silence on my end, then I was able to mutter a ".....Congrats! I uh, yeah...um...wow, REALLY wasn't expecting to hear from you. At all. I mean, you know...I told you that I was going to be stepping out of the picture once the baby came so you could concentrate on all of this and uh.....yyyyeah...." To which he replied "Yeah, I know...I...I mean, I just wanted to say hi...uh...so how's work?" Me: "Fine. That quiet girl that never talks to anyone finally opened up to me, she said I'm easy to talk to, made me feel good to get to know her after all this time. She's really nice." Him: "Nice! Yes, you are easy to talk to, that's why people are drawn to you, I don't see how anyone can't be drawn to you..." Me: "....right, well uh, I'll let you go.....bye." :eek: *cue Twilight Zone theme song*
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