littlemissworry Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi well im with my bf of 3 and a half years he looked at naked girls on the internet i was devastated by this and also at one point went on webcam sites free ones.he admited going on the websites was wrong and stopped...after many many arguements about him looking at naked women he promised yet again he wouldnt look at them again. We moved into a new house and for a year and a half everything was great he stuck to his promise and i started to feel more confident about myself and my trust with him became to build up more.Although today i found out hes been looking again.Im not mad im hurt i feel ugly and like im not good enough he says its not like i can just get naked wenever hes abit horny but he has loads of pics of me so why look at other women? i mean am i not good looking enough skinny enough? although on the other hand i kind of understand the porn thing its like im arguing with myself but although i try and rationalise it when i find it out my reactions are always crying feeling worthless and feeling not pretty enough.I get that upset about it i even shake..not because im mad but because im upset.Sometimes i think im being stupid and that it doesnt mean he will cheat or that there better than me and yet it leaves me feeling miserable and unnattractive. what can i do?am i being stupid?if yes then how can i change things i mean ive been like this a while so it will be very hard to change.Ive spoken to a counsellor about it before and it didnt help... or is it him that should stop? i dont want this to destroy our relationship because i love him loads i just cant help my feelings thanks for reading x
Disillusioned Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm not sure about you, but I know I need to change. Right now I'm a 390-lb fat slob, but I'm going to lose weight and clean up my house and property, THEN I will work on becoming a chick magnet. I already have no debt and I own my own house, plus I am making extra $$ on the side with my woodworking business. BTW I'm not interested in porn... though I do have a Realdoll and I'll sell it if I meet woman I like.
betterdeal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 No matter how you feel about anything, it's never stupid to have that feeling. Your feelings are what defines the real you, so don't be hard on yourself thinking anything bad about yourself for being upset by this. Take some time to calm yourself down and accept the feelings you have. Then you might want to try and discuss it with him, explain how it makes you feel, and then ask him to explain why he feels the need to do it. Most people can find more than one person physically attractive, so your boyfriend finding porn enjoyable is not surprising. Then again, lots of couple don't accept porn as part of their lives, because one or both doesn't like it. It seems that, if you guys can't reach an agreement that both of you are happy with, you may need to try some other ways to resolve the matter. Talking to a relationship counsellor may be the way forward.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Neither of you needs to change. You're just incompatible with each other.
PegNosePete Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Yes, you do need to change. From "In a relationship" to "Single". He is a compulsive liar.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Hi thankyou for writing. From what ive seen or heard most men look at porn so unless im willing to accept that men do watch it it seems that ill be very lonely.The thing i cant get my head around how to not get upset over it.Ive tried hundreds of times and yet i still think its because im ugly.Also tbh the thought of him scrolling through pages and pages of naked women makes me feel that there is something wrong with the way i look otherwise why not just look at the pics of me? He tells me im beautiful..(so why go on them sites?) ive tried loads of times to stop thinking that its because of me but everytime i find out i break down crying and shaking.Also im so dissapointed because i finally thought id gotten through to him about how much it really does upset me because he stopped for over a year. I had a big talk with him about how it made me feel and he seemed to understand also for a while i was still worried about he kept asking me to check the computer to prove that he hadnt.We was getting on so well i wasnt as paranoid and started to trust him and now its just happened again..Ifeel so dissapointed and hurt. I mean arent i good enough to stop for and why would someone do something that obviously upsets there partner that much..he knows how much it hurts me my head hurts
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Okay, I've said this before, men are VERY visual creatures. Okay, so he looks at naked pics. I don't think that he loves you any less. You really need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart with him and (calmly!!) ask him why he needs to look at pictures. Then try to understand where he's coming from. Also, you need to voice (CALMLY!!) how this makes you feel and see if you can some to an even keal. Personally, if he isn't on dating sites and in adult chat rooms, there are worse things he could be doing than looking at images on a screen.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 weve already talked about it loads of times before he promised to stop then broke his promise over and over again... everyone always says that it doesnt mean that he doesnt love me..i know he does im not questioning that what bothers me is that he says he loves how i look and says hes lucky to have me n then looks at every other naked women he can but not the pics of me. to me that seems that he finds me unnattractive why else would he choose other womens pics over mine.it took me alot to do them pictures for him because i have issues about how i look and its just been thrown in my face.. also about the men are more visual thing yes i totally understand they are but it doesnt stop me being upset everytime i find stuff tbh i dnt think i deserve to be that upset every time he does it and especially him doing it when he knows how upset it would make me he didnt even think about my feelings.I want to know how i can stop being so upset about it because it really hurts
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) It sounds like you have self esteem issue's and perphaps you could benefit from some individual counseling; however, he might have a porn addiction which is a very real and (obviously) problematic condition. You might want to ask him straight out if this is a problem with him. We're all human, and we're not dead. I, myself, am in a loving and committed relationship. If I'm at the beach and I notice a nice looking girl walk on by in a bikini, I'm gonna notice! I might think to myself, "Damn, she's hot!" It doesn't mean I'm gonna do anything about it. Doesn't mean I don't love my girl any less. I just have an appreciation for the female form. And I'm sure some hot guy has walked by you and you've taken notice, but you don't do anything about it. I'm sure you don't think less of your guy because you saw some hot guy. You two might want to think about couples counseling. And if you don't then fine. But, just remember, the next guy your with will notice other women as well. Edited April 6, 2011 by Chi townD
betterdeal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 weve already talked about it loads of times before he promised to stop then broke his promise over and over again... everyone always says that it doesnt mean that he doesnt love me..i know he does im not questioning that what bothers me is that he says he loves how i look and says hes lucky to have me n then looks at every other naked women he can but not the pics of me. to me that seems that he finds me unnattractive why else would he choose other womens pics over mine.it took me alot to do them pictures for him because i have issues about how i look and its just been thrown in my face.. also about the men are more visual thing yes i totally understand they are but it doesnt stop me being upset everytime i find stuff tbh i dnt think i deserve to be that upset every time he does it and especially him doing it when he knows how upset it would make me he didnt even think about my feelings.I want to know how i can stop being so upset about it because it really hurts I think that, as Pete has pointed out, the topic of conflict doesn't matter as much as the fact that he is a liar. As for being lonely, first you can be happy if you find the difference between being lonely and being alone. Second, there are plenty of men who don't like porn, and seeing as you only need one of them (presumably) you only need to meet one of them to find a much more agreeable, enjoyable relationship. And the sooner you leave your current man, the sooner you'll find one that's better for you.
BellaDonna20111 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi well im with my bf of 3 and a half years he looked at naked girls on the internet i was devastated by this and also at one point went on webcam sites free ones.he admited going on the websites was wrong and stopped...after many many arguements about him looking at naked women he promised yet again he wouldnt look at them again. We moved into a new house and for a year and a half everything was great he stuck to his promise and i started to feel more confident about myself and my trust with him became to build up more.Although today i found out hes been looking again.Im not mad im hurt i feel ugly and like im not good enough he says its not like i can just get naked wenever hes abit horny but he has loads of pics of me so why look at other women? i mean am i not good looking enough skinny enough? although on the other hand i kind of understand the porn thing its like im arguing with myself but although i try and rationalise it when i find it out my reactions are always crying feeling worthless and feeling not pretty enough.I get that upset about it i even shake..not because im mad but because im upset.Sometimes i think im being stupid and that it doesnt mean he will cheat or that there better than me and yet it leaves me feeling miserable and unnattractive. what can i do?am i being stupid?if yes then how can i change things i mean ive been like this a while so it will be very hard to change.Ive spoken to a counsellor about it before and it didnt help... or is it him that should stop? i dont want this to destroy our relationship because i love him loads i just cant help my feelings thanks for reading x NO, you DO NOT need to change - except that you need to change your boyfriend! He is a creep - and vaguely pervy, too. hasn't he got better things to do than fiddle with himself while looking at hookers? He sounds very very boring! I am old enough to know that the people who cause you the most pain are those who are the least worthy. Get rid of him.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 i do know i have self esteem issues although he seeks out these HOT women not just notices them in the street.hes recently started working and to be fair quite alot of hours...although im practically begging for sex he says hes tired and to find out hes been doing that after a year and a half of not doing it makes me so sad..i dont even sumtimes ask for sex i pleasure him bcos of various reasons..hes tired or im well err u know..he promised me and i believed him this time Now i have no faith in him at all..i love him to death but he obviously choose it over my feelings i went to the doctors got medication and went to self help groups after he stopped because i thought id be able to forgive him..and i did we have been so happy until now ive found out he was lying to get me to trust him so i wudnt check he was doing it..im not a bad person tbh our relationship before was hell he got depressed and treat me like crap which is why im anxious..he got me in alot of debt ..i forgave him for everything and he cant even do one thing that upsets me a hell of alot (porn) if it isnt that much of a great deal surely him stopping it wudnt be that bad i dnt think im asking alot considering.ive stopped spking to ppl i knew before because he saw them as i threat (a bloke) i stuck to that promise all he has done is lie about stopping over and over again..this time i trully believed him we was really happy n now hes blown it..ive done more than make him happy sexually..ive slept wiv other men infront of him for him, posted pics of myself and have let him too, ive also even gone on cam to ppl while hes watching..even did it for money cos he mentioned it bcos we was in debt ..btw which he got us in . Ive done so much for him am i really asking too much for him to stop? although if he doesnt i want to know how i can stop caring about it.
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 i do know i have self esteem issues although he seeks out these HOT women not just notices them in the street.hes recently started working and to be fair quite alot of hours...although im practically begging for sex he says hes tired and to find out hes been doing that after a year and a half of not doing it makes me so sad..i dont even sumtimes ask for sex i pleasure him bcos of various reasons..hes tired or im well err u know..he promised me and i believed him this time Now i have no faith in him at all..i love him to death but he obviously choose it over my feelings i went to the doctors got medication and went to self help groups after he stopped because i thought id be able to forgive him..and i did we have been so happy until now ive found out he was lying to get me to trust him so i wudnt check he was doing it..im not a bad person tbh our relationship before was hell he got depressed and treat me like crap which is why im anxious..he got me in alot of debt ..i forgave him for everything and he cant even do one thing that upsets me a hell of alot (porn) if it isnt that much of a great deal surely him stopping it wudnt be that bad i dnt think im asking alot considering.ive stopped spking to ppl i knew before because he saw them as i threat (a bloke) i stuck to that promise all he has done is lie about stopping over and over again..this time i trully believed him we was really happy n now hes blown it..ive done more than make him happy sexually..ive slept wiv other men infront of him for him, posted pics of myself and have let him too, ive also even gone on cam to ppl while hes watching..even did it for money cos he mentioned it bcos we was in debt ..btw which he got us in . Ive done so much for him am i really asking too much for him to stop? although if he doesnt i want to know how i can stop caring about it. Wait...wait...WTF!!!!!! What the hell is all of that! I thought this was a simple case of viewiing just a couple of porn sites, but he had you do all of that?!?!?! Hell No! Girl, this guy has MAJOR issues. You need to run to the door; go out and never look back. I'm gonna be blunt, you're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Your the hooker and he's your pimp. You need to get the hell out of there. That is TOTAL disrepect! You can do A HELL of a lot better! I'm serious, get out!!!
nana841121 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I want to utter some different view here. i don't think watching porn for a man is a big deal it's a harmless hobby
BeginAgain Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Sexually one woman will never be enough for one man. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness or anything you are doing. Deep down men will always want a harem of whores and a bevy of beauties at their beck and call. Even without the porn, the fantasies will always exist whether they are involuntary dreams or voluntary day dreams. The porn is just a tool to help fulfill this fantasy and psychological need. I still look at porn but I don't even need it. A quick trip to the mall, the Old Navy layer player commercial and its kin, or even a conservatively dressed reporter can bring about the same effect. Since I have seen so many girls over my lifetime I don't actually need even that visual stimulation to have a porno running in my mind any time I want. I am not saying accept this behavior. He's tried to quit for you but he can't no matter how much it hurts you. He should have done a better job at sparing your feelings but it doesn't matter. You can't live with this guy because his behavior is upsetting you so much. Though if you do find a guy who doesn't look at porn he probably will have little libido and won't initiate sex often. This will make you feel undesirable and just as hurt as you are now. If you are able to find a guy who doesn't like porn but has a normal libido expect he will masturbate since you will never give him enough sex or be a multitude of women. Again you'll be back to the same self-loathing.
ilani Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Yes. you should consider changing your reaction to him watching porn. I had issues with my first boyfriend watching porn when I was 16. I felt like he was cheating, he had me, why would he look at other naked girls. But as I increased my sexual awareness, it stopped bothering me. In fact, I enjoy watching porn now as well. I always ask my partners what their fantasies are, what kind of porn they are into and sometimes watch them together. I think this helps our sex life to know what turns each other on. Sometimes he'll see something he wants to try, or vice versa. It's good to have this trust where neither of us feels ashamed for wanting to try something new, or desiring to be stimulated. HOWEVER, seeing your follow-up about counseling, him lying, and you in debt... I think this is a deeper issue on your part...to have it affect YOU so much. Thus, it becomes a compatibility problem. I don't think it's your fault, but him watching porn isn't about you, and you're making it about you. Tired from work, give the guy a break. Watching porn does not equate to having sex. Sex involves 2 people, so it can be exhausting to try to please the partner, whereas porn is just self-gratification = easy.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 thats what i dont get though if porn isnt that bigger deal why wont he stop because he knows how much it hurts me. i asked him today if he was still going to carry on looking at it he said no and promised he wouldnt.I didnt ask him to stop i just asked if he was going to carry it on.I dont believe him. he said he did it because he was bored...he has pics of me whats so wrong with him looking at them? but no he choose to drool over other women..i feel like getting rid of all my pics because its not like he needs them is it? hed rather look at other people. I want this to stop hurting me i really do but im worried then if i get better that he will just do it even more and then even go on the cam sites wiv other women like he did. I always have had low self esteem but after being with him awhile he got depressed and was always yelling at me and going off on one about little things..i became anxious and lost weight..it didnt help with him smoking weed..it was like he had bi polar or something..alright one minute and shouting screaming n crying at me the next. He got me in alot of debt because he went off one one saying how we couldnt afford things which them made us struggle with the repayments so he went off on one again n eventually calmed down when i said ok to getting another loan.Ive sorted it all out now but ill be paying it off for the rest of my life.My family noticed how i had become and started worrying about me.They hated him and started asking questions which made me worry more also with the porn i darent go out bcos id be worrying hed be doing it if i did go out. Now hes broken his promise again and i feel miserable again.Im going to see a counsellor soon i rang up yesterday.Not that he seems bothered anyway.I have alot of stress at the minute with my mum being mentally ill and her constant mess abouts also im having an operation soon which isnt a biggy but ive never had one before and im terrifed..the last thing i want is to go to the hospital n worry what hes doing its not right... i honestly dont know what to do maybe everyone thinks im a nutter if so sorry i just want him to find me attractive not every other woman
ilani Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 i'm sorry about your situation. that being said, i just have to say this. at this point, if you don't do anything about it, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. if him looking at porn bothers you so much, and obviously he isn't going to give it up, get rid of him. and it seems like he has other problems too -- which I think are quite severe and more serious than porn addiction. and btw, maybe if you see porn addiction the same as tobacco addiction it's easier to understand that it's hard to quit. on another note, if a man thinks you are attractive, it doesn't mean he won't find others as well, and vice versa -- it is not mutually exclusive.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 thats the thing though i understand he will find other people attractive its just the fact he sorta has to seek them out and look at them. I know other people are pretty etc etc i just dont know how to stop feeling hurt and getting upset about it i suppose..i tried many times but however hard i tried if i find out hes been looking i cry and think im ugly and not good enough. I dont want to feel like that anymore its hurts alot and makes me even more anxious and worried that he will do it again. also i dont want to be naked infront of him because i think he will look at me and think well that other lass looked better or he will notice my flaws. He doesnt understand it.Ive said before it would be easier sum1 else seeing me naked than him although id be abit anxious about it but its because i love him and dont want him to be discusted i dont really care if someone else is..If that makes any sense at all i dont know its just how i see it i suppose
Eddie Edirol Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Little miss read this carefully. he will not change, he doesnt want to stop looking at porn. he started looking at them again because he does not care how you feel about it. the fact that you have to practically beg for sex has confirmed your suspicion that he isnt attracted to you anymore, and hasnt been for a long time. heres the real question, he tells you what you want to hear all of the time to kep you quiet, but does he SHOW you that youre beautiful? I bet no. You have to end this now because your mental health depends on it. You dont need councelling, you dont need medication, all of your problems will be fixed when you leave his man. he is making you send yourself down a depression spiral that you wont be able to get out of, if you dont leave him now. Do you understand that? he does not value your relationship as much as you do, he is not in love with you anymore. I dont understand why he is still in this relationship if he isnt cheating, do you both own this house together? You wont realize how bad this man is for you until you get into a healthy relationship again, try to look into the future with someone else.
Author littlemissworry Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 he treats me well apart from that..and he does tell me im sexy and beautiful alot..he doesnt act like he did a couple of years ago .because i did split up with him because of it and i told him if he treat me like he did again id leave him since then things have been great apart from the porn thing
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