lazyslam Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hey My Ex-boyfriend (30, I am 22) broke up with me a week ago and we were together for three months. I feel kind of okay about it now, but still kind of confused, and hope that he will come back to me. I met him through one of our mutual friends, and didn't really think much about him, if anything, I was kind of repulsed by him. He texted me quite a lot and the second time I saw him, we already got quite intimate (emotionally and physically) and after about two weeks were officially together. He was talking a lot about we could visit each others families and we were already planning things, and at some point (which was a bit weird he asked if I wanted children, because his parents really wanted him to have a child). I started liking him more and more, because I really liked his personality. He was always talking quite a lot about himself and compared to him, I didn't talk that much (but that's because I usually don't talk that much). We saw each other about four times a week, and I felt like it was a bit intense and that I needed air to breathe, but I never told him. He then had to do quite a lot of work for a course he is doing, and I started to realise that I really did like him. He came round to mine during the time he had to do work and I really showed him that I liked him by not wanting him to leave (but only in a jokey way, like wanting to hide his shoe). And before that he asked if I had an emotional connection with my soft toy), which later on made me freak out a lot, because I was worried that our relationship was purely sexual and that he felt like he couldn't connect to me, maybe due to my inability. Basically, the next time I saw him, he had suddenly totally changed, he said that I should only go to visit his parents if I wanted to (that was after he had a phone call with his mother), and didn't seem to be excited about it. He didn't make the effort to talk to me properly anymore, and suddenly said when we went to a restaurant that we should pay separately, and his hand froze when I held it. This distant behaviour made me completely freak (and I was sure he was going to break up with me, which was a month before he did) and I called him later that day when I was drunk and asked him if I could come round to his and he was okay with it. That night I had an awful nightmare of a person seperating themselves from me, and I felt so horrible waking up next to him, and him focussing on his phone, not even looking at me when I woke up, and using his computer. All the next times we spent time together it was always similar, and I felt like something had changed. Since then I have spent almost everyday thinking about this - his distance, and how to overcome it. I didn't know if I should mention it, distance myself aswell, talk more about myself, or just let go of it. And I was telling myself, oh, maybe it's just the end of the infatuation stage, we just need to have arguments and talk things through. I didn't contact him for a while after that and when he asked if I wanted to go to places with him, I said I was already seeing my friends (which I really wanted to because I hadn't spent much time with them since I met him). This suddenly made him call me more, and then I did meet him again, and then everything seemed to be okay again, although there was still distance (but also from my side). And I tried opening up more, saying how I felt in life, desperately trying to create emotional intimacy. The next day, I was really scared that I was going to lose him again, and I texted him if I could see him, but he said he was busy with his work but did agree to come round to mine another day. It was on that day where he seemed more distant than ever, hardly any communication, and distant when lying next to me in bed, and he didn't sleep at all. A few days after I asked him if I could come round to his, and he said he needed to work things out, because he wasn't sure about his life and our relationship. I gave him quite a lot space, and I kind of new he was going to break up, and after a few days I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. We met up and he told me that we shouldn't be together anymore, and that he thought that I was probably wanting to go my own way soon, and I told him this was not the case. He then said he thought he was falling in love with me, but actually he didn't, and that he thought I was too nice to him (I was always worried that I wasn't being nice enough). I told him, I was worried I hadn't been giving him enough space, but he said that that wasn't the problem. He was also telling me about how he was really worried about his future since he is still a student at his age, and doesn't know what he will be able to do. He still wants to be friends, but I was so angry and sent him lots of angry messages later on which I did apologise for the day after. He said he was really sorry, and that he didn't want me to hate him. Whenever, he sees my mutual friend, he asks her about me, and he told her that he broke up with me because I had been doing weird things (which I am not sure what they are, I was sometimes being a bit playfully aggressive (as in maybe pushing him lightly), but that's because it's the only way for me to express feelings that I can't say) It's so frustrating, because I tried so hard to make it right. I care for him, and I still like him, but I don't understand why he didn't even make the effort to figure out what was going wrong, or to really find out who I am (after three months, I don't think it's even possible to fall in love with someone anyway). I never told him about the distance thing because I was scared it would drive him away even more. I am worried that I have sabotaged this relationship myself, and that I will continue doing this in the future. But then I am also thinking, that maybe he wasn't able. I think I'm probably thinking about this too much, but I just can't understand how something that was, can be given up on so quickly. I would really like to talk to him about it (we are still friends), but I don't want to show him that I really care so much, and would it be of any use anyway? But on the other side, I do really want to know what's going on with me/self-discovery. And also I was wondering if all these "how women should treat men tips" on the internet are actually true. Because if women always play it cool, how does emotional intimacy actually develop? And how much of your own thoughts and feelings are you meant to reveal in a relationship? I would greatly appreciate some opinions.
Author lazyslam Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 By the way this was my first "PROPER" relationship
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