Popondetta Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Okey, so here's my situation; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269768/ Short version: My ex came to me in the beginning of december telling me he didnt know what he wanted, and had doubts. Didn't want to break up but have a break. During the beginning of this period we had LC with him initiating all contact. So I told him we should have NC until the beginning of march to give him time to reflect. So we had a chat in the beginning of march (a month ago) after 6 weeks of NC, and I forced him to make up his mind. I hold him I couln'd t wait any longer and he told me he had to do what he felt was most right. He had to let go even though he would like to ask me to wait for him another couple of months. But he realized that was unfair towards me, so we ended it at that. He told me he didn't want to loose contact with me but I haven't heard from him since we met up a month ago. He asked me if I never wanted to see him again, but I just told him that I'm not against having contact and if he wanted to talk to me he could send me an sms og an email. He told me that he might realize in a couple of months that this was the biggest mistake he's ever done. After we met the last time a mutual friend told me he had told her he's SO confused (the same day we met up). So I'm wondering now if I should try to send him an sms or email and just say "Hi, how's it going?". Just to open up the communication. The fact is, I think I idolize him more now that we have NC than I did before. yeah, right; I want him back but I also do think that LC could work if kept to a minimum (no meeting up, just a quick hello on the email to keep eachother updated). I hope having LC instead of NC will make me realize that he's just a normal human with flaws and not som god with a perfect life. Anyonw have a good experience with LC? Or is it just gonna f¤%& things up? Any thoughts or feedback is highly appreciated. Will keep you updated if I decide to send him an sms. Love to all of you!
Sake Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 LC gives birth to hope. NC aborts the hope and lets you realize your better off without it.
geegirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I agree with Sake. You will see him as just a regular dude when you completely NC and get to a point of indifference. LC does give way to hope. Let me ask you. If you LC with him now and next week you heard that he was seeing another woman. How would you feel or react? If you can honestly say it won't bother you at all, then more power to you. But if it twinges your heart even just a little bit, keep to NC. Don't lay yourself out to get hurt when you have the choice of protecting yourself. If you really want to get to a point where you see him as just another guy or a platonic friend, NC till you get to a point of indifference. I did what you did and LC made me hope everytime we made contact. I too wanted to see my ex as just another guy because I idolized him too much.
Author Popondetta Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 @Sake and geegirl; The thing is I want him back so bad. I feel like he's slipping away when we don't have any contact. I just want him to realize that what we had was unique (the guy is suffering from comittment issues and we didn't have many problems in the RS). I also think that if we had some contact maybe I would just stop idolizing him so much. That I would see that he's just a regular man and stop thinking that he's out having fun allt he time. @geegirl; It would make me vomit if I knew he was dating someone else. But at least that would make me let go of the hope!
geegirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 @Sake and geegirl; The thing is I want him back so bad. I feel like he's slipping away when we don't have any contact. I just want him to realize that what we had was unique (the guy is suffering from comittment issues and we didn't have many problems in the RS). I also think that if we had some contact maybe I would just stop idolizing him so much. That I would see that he's just a regular man and stop thinking that he's out having fun allt he time. @geegirl; It would make me vomit if I knew he was dating someone else. But at least that would make me let go of the hope! If he felt any different about the situation, he'd be contacting you. He is the one that has the commitment issue. Most likely the issue is still there within him. I know you are feeling like you are losing grip, but you both broke up. And he's hardly making an effort to reach out. And he let you go, remember. Maybe you need to as well, until he comes back with some type of plan that indicates he wants you to hold on. You can't make someone realize the value of the R just because you value it the way you do. He may see it in a totally different light. He is taking his commitment issue into consideration as well and probably can't invest as much as you do because he is held back from going all the way. You cannot force your views on someone else or force them to believe that what you see and feel is also what he should want and need. You stop idolizing him when you do not have feelings for him anymore. I think you're trying to justify contact by saying that's the way to take him down from his pedestal. Taking him down from his pedestal starts when you begin to think with you brain instead of your heart. When your heart has nil attachment to him. You won't see him as regular joe because you want him back and still love him. If anything, contact will make you hope for more. Why put yourself through "vomit"? That's what I did. My ex had commitment issues too. I held on eventhough he was staying away. Still putting in bits and pieces of contact. Analyzing every word. One day I saw him having sex with another woman. Trust me, vomit does not taste good or feel good.
Author Popondetta Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 If he felt any different about the situation, he'd be contacting you. He is the one that has the commitment issue. Most likely the issue is still there within him. I know you are feeling like you are losing grip, but you both broke up. And he's hardly making an effort to reach out. And he let you go, remember. Maybe you need to as well, until he comes back with some type of plan that indicates he wants you to hold on. You can't make someone realize the value of the R just because you value it the way you do. He may see it in a totally different light. He is taking his commitment issue into consideration as well and probably can't invest as much as you do because he is held back from going all the way. You cannot force your views on someone else or force them to believe that what you see and feel is also what he should want and need. You stop idolizing him when you do not have feelings for him anymore. I think you're trying to justify contact by saying that's the way to take him down from his pedestal. Taking him down from his pedestal starts when you begin to think with you brain instead of your heart. When your heart has nil attachment to him. You won't see him as regular joe because you want him back and still love him. If anything, contact will make you hope for more. Why put yourself through "vomit"? That's what I did. My ex had commitment issues too. I held on eventhough he was staying away. Still putting in bits and pieces of contact. Analyzing every word. One day I saw him having sex with another woman. Trust me, vomit does not taste good or feel good. I totally get you point and thanks alot for your feedback geegirl!! I really appreciate it. I haven't sent him the short email I have composed, so I'm still sticking to NC. So you seriously think that NC is the best way? I'm just worried that I'll just fade out of his memory. I know NC is first and foremost for your healing, but is it also the best way to get someone back? In a way I believe in NC and that if the dumper really wants you back they will try to no matter what, but at the same time I'm worried that he will just forget all about me if I don't keep reminding him of my existence. I know it sounds stupid.... I totally agree that I cannot preassure my view of the RS on him, and I wasn't going to in my email either. But I see your point anyway; That even if I contacted him that wouldn't change his view on everything, because that has to come from within himself (if he ever misses me enough or if he realizes that the comittment issues are stupid and can be worked on). I sounds horrible what you went through geegirl! I hope you're over it now and that you are feeling great about yourself! Oh.. and I can't wait for my brain to take control over me again. I'm sick of my heart controlling everything!! I can't wait to kick him off his pedestal!!!
geegirl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 That's great P! Try to stick to NC. Everytime you have an urge to break contact but you don't and you let it pass without letting it control you, you get a little stronger and a little more resilient in keeping itchy fingers in check! Let me ask you something...you said, "I'm worried that he will just forget all about me if I don't keep reminding him of my existence." Read that again. What does it mean when you have to keep reminding someone of your existence? If you have to remind someone of your existence, it speaks volumes about how they view your presence in their life. If you are significant and important to him, you don't have to remind him. His silence doesn't mean he has forgotten you. It may just mean that he is going on with his life. I never look at NC as a tool to get someone back. If that person comes back during NC, then great. Hopefully the time away was also beneficial to the other party in sorting their feelings and thoughts. But if they don't come back during NC, you will be well on your way to emotional stability and freedom. Either way, you win. He has to see the value of the R and you from his own eyes. And seeing that he has commitment issues, trying to manoeuver (sp?) him your way is going to push him away even more. From what I experienced, a man with commitment issues don't like to feel pressured or forced upon. Thanks Popondetta. I've been NC about 2 months now. It still hurts but I'm getting there. We all will at some point. Yes, when the brain takes over, it's a great feeling. Emotional freedom is the best. I too can't wait for one day (he lives down the street from me) when I see him as...nothing.
hoping2heal Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 @Sake and geegirl; The thing is I want him back so bad. I feel like he's slipping away when we don't have any contact. I just want him to realize that what we had was unique (the guy is suffering from comittment issues and we didn't have many problems in the RS). I also think that if we had some contact maybe I would just stop idolizing him so much. That I would see that he's just a regular man and stop thinking that he's out having fun allt he time. @geegirl; It would make me vomit if I knew he was dating someone else. But at least that would make me let go of the hope! OP, you are trying to rationalize that you have some control in this situation. The reality is you don't. The man broke up with you, and you not speaking to him is not why the RS ended, and you speaking to him is not going to be what brings him back to be your partner. At best, he will be dating someone else and you will be able to accept reality. At worse? He won't be, he will be single and this will give you all the ammo you need to convince yourself to keep hanging in there, which will just lead to more months wasted and pain.
Sake Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 @Sake and geegirl; The thing is I want him back so bad. I feel like he's slipping away when we don't have any contact. I just want him to realize that what we had was unique (the guy is suffering from comittment issues and we didn't have many problems in the RS). I also think that if we had some contact maybe I would just stop idolizing him so much. That I would see that he's just a regular man and stop thinking that he's out having fun allt he time. @geegirl; It would make me vomit if I knew he was dating someone else. But at least that would make me let go of the hope! Read this carefully and always repeat this to yourself. When someone wants to leave you or if they've already left, LET THEM LEAVE. They've already made up their minds about leaving you and more often than not it wasn't easy coming to that conclusion. there is nothing you can say or do to bring them back, they just have to figure it out for themselves. Trust me on this. I screwed up with the love of my life and that was 9 months ago, she started dating a new guy 30 days later and now they've been together for 8 months. Let them go, it seems impossible now and it will seem impossible a month from now, and even 3-4 months from now but one day it'll just disappear and who knows, NC might work for you and he'll come back. Stay confident and never..NEVER..EVER lose your cool around him.
Fufu Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 You have been maintaining NC, why would you want to walk backward? Keep up to NC and you will be fine
JasonRules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 @OP As a man who just turned 40, I can tell you that LC never works. You have to disappear from his life completely. If he had true feelings for you he will be back on his own. You hanging around calling/texting him once a week is going to do nothing except put you in the "friend" zone. You need to use NC to the point where you don't care about the outcome, only then will you regain a sense of control regarding the situation. Trust me on this. I know first hand. About 4 years ago, my girlfriend whom I was living with broke up with me out of nowhere. I was madly in love with her and was thinking we would eventually get married. I was destroyed emotionally and for the next 3 months chased her non-stop even though she had moved out. Nothing I did worked. Eventually, I switched it over to LC for the next year and that didn't work either. At some point, I just gave up entirely and moved on. I started living my life and reached a point where I felt no pain. I was in a relationship with another woman and she started texting me out of the blue more and more often to the point where my (at the time) girlfriend was getting pissed. To make a long story short, the same woman who ended it with me and told me straight in my face that she didn't love me, was telling me she loved me and wanted to get back together with me because according to her "I always thought we would end up marrying each other". Life is full of ironies. However, by then I simply didn't care or had any feelings for her at all. Moral of the story is, the cliche saying: "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back they were always yours. If they never come back, they never were"
JasonRules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Sorry for asking but what does LC stand for? NC = No Contact LC = Low or Limited Contact
loverboy1984 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Ok great thanks. Im in NC for a month now. How about if friends and family who are close to the ex talk about you, is that bad or considered breaking NC? should I tell them to not say anything or what. I know they are gonna try to mend things from the outside somehow and I dont want to ruin things now even though they will be backing me up. But I do want her back but on her own terms.
JasonRules Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Ok great thanks. Im in NC for a month now. How about if friends and family who are close to the ex talk about you, is that bad or considered breaking NC? should I tell them to not say anything or what. I know they are gonna try to mend things from the outside somehow and I dont want to ruin things now even though they will be backing me up. But I do want her back but on her own terms. They should not be telling you anything about her, nor should they be saying anything about you to her. She should be completely in the dark. This way, she will be curious and either ask herself or contact you directly. Do not forget, NC is for you to get over the breakup and sometimes one of the side effects of NC is your ex starts to miss you. One month though is not that long. Keep living your life and try to forget about her completely. Usually, when you REALLY stop caring is when they show up.
Author Popondetta Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Sorry to diappoint you guys, but I crumbeled and sent him a short email. At least we have something more to discuss in this thread now and you can all tell me "I told you not to!!" when it all goes to hell AGAIN I'm sorry though to ask you for advice and you all tell me what to do and I go and do the opposite. Well, at least since it all happened in early december I have only contaced him 3 times and I have never begged him to come back and never cried in front of him. I've been cool, analytical, patient and understanding. I will keep you posted on what happens next in this ridiculous life of mine Hugs to all of you!
geegirl Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Sometimes you have to do what feels right for you. We're on the outside looking in with rationale and indifference while you are the one caught in the midst of emotions. It's not easy when your heart is doing all the thinking. And most times, it takes a few stumbles and falls before you get on the right track. Let us know how you are doing.
Author Popondetta Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 geegirl; thanks for your support!! It's now been 2 days since I sent the email and no reply(just to excuse him: I know he's alwasy very busy thursdag-sunday with work). So it probably wasn't a wise decision to send it, but I still don't regret it. He was the one who asked me last time we met if I never wanted to see him again. I just replied that I wouldn't mind staying in touch and he replied that he didn't want to loose contact with me completely. So this was my attempt to stay in touch, and now I wont have regrets that I didn't try. It's all in his hands now (like it has been for the last months). Will keep you posted if I get a reply....
geegirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 geegirl; thanks for your support!! It's now been 2 days since I sent the email and no reply(just to excuse him: I know he's alwasy very busy thursdag-sunday with work). So it probably wasn't a wise decision to send it, but I still don't regret it. He was the one who asked me last time we met if I never wanted to see him again. I just replied that I wouldn't mind staying in touch and he replied that he didn't want to loose contact with me completely. So this was my attempt to stay in touch, and now I wont have regrets that I didn't try. It's all in his hands now (like it has been for the last months). Will keep you posted if I get a reply.... As long as you're able to deal with him not being responsive is what matters. Good to hear you are doing okay. You did what you needed to do so you don't have to fret anymore.
Author Popondetta Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the support again geegirl I got a reply last night (I'll try and translate it from my language) "Hi P! I' very glad to hear from you! I've been thinking about contacting you for the last week, but then you sent me an email first. I'm glad you got a job, where are you going to work? And I'm glad you got to go to Stockholm for your holidays too. I'd love to go there myself sometime soon. I've been really busy with work the last couple of weeks, and some extra shifts as well. I have the next week off and not sure what I'll do then..hehe, hope the weather will be good at least. Other that that I still eat Bounty chocolate and hang out in the cafe where I used to work. (He's basically meaning to say that life is still the same, and he's still doing the same things he used to). I think it was really good hearing from you! M" ........................ So he replied in a very civil manner, and that was good for me to read. His reply had the same tone to it that my email to him had. I was writing in my email that I'm still eating jelly beans(my favourite candy). I just think it's good to have that initial contact out of the way, and to a certain extent I can now see him more normally than before (maybe I'm just on a high because I got this email yesterday). Like he's a normal person again... At least he writes twice that he's happy to hear from me, so at least I don't feel like I've been nagging and I don't feel like he doesn't like me anymore. Not sure if I should reply to this email though, even if he asks me a question... Edited April 11, 2011 by Popondetta grammar
geegirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Thanks for the support again geegirl I got a reply last night (I'll try and translate it from my language) "Hi P! I' very glad to hear from you! I've been thinking about contacting you for the last week, but then you sent me an email first. I'm glad you got a job, where are you going to work? And I'm glad you got to go to Stockholm for your holidays too. I'd love to go there myself sometime soon. I've been really busy with work the last couple of weeks, and some extra shifts as well. I have the next week off and not sure what I'll do then..hehe, hope the weather will be good at least. Other that that I still eat Bounty chocolate and hang out in the cafe where I used to work. (He's basically meaning to say that life is still the same, and he's still doing the same things he used to). I think it was really good hearing from you! M" ........................ So he replied in a very civil manner, and that was good for me to read. His reply had the same tone to it that my email to him had. I was writing in my email that I'm still eating jelly beans(my favourite candy). I just think it's good to have that initial contact out of the way, and to a certain extent I can now see him more normally than before (maybe I'm just on a high because I got this email yesterday). Like he's a normal person again... At least he writes twice that he's happy to hear from me, so at least I don't feel like I've been nagging and I don't feel like he doesn't like me anymore. Not sure if I should reply to this email though, even if he asks me a question... Honestly, I believe his reply is just going to soothe you for a little while. You are on a high and relieved to an extent that all is well between the two of you. But if he does not reach out again, you will start the same cycle because you want to stay connected. So what now? You can answer his question and stop right there. You already know that he is in good terms with you. You should step away and go NC. If you seek friendship...then "Friends" don't have to contemplate this hard about responding or not. Friends don't sit and count days as to when you reached out and why you didn't reach out. You still have feelings for him and if you keep this going on, you will be stuck holding on to little bits and pieces to keep yourself in his life. You will be anxious always wondering when you are going to hear from him and when he doesn't, it will send you in a tizzy, all over again. You have to decide whether you want to fully recover and then be able to take him down from that pedestal or you can be in denial and talk yourself into thinking that if we're "friends", I can start to see him as normal and my feelings will go away. The latter will never work. LC keeps your feelings on a slow boil.
Author Popondetta Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Yep, you're right geegirl. I'm a druggie who just got her fix. Now going straight into rehab again where I hope to stay as long as my addiction is hanging on. I don't regret sending this email to him but I no longer have any more excuses to contact him. Will write a short reply to his email and that's it. Promise
geegirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Yep, you're right geegirl. I'm a druggie who just got her fix. Now going straight into rehab again where I hope to stay as long as my addiction is hanging on. I don't regret sending this email to him but I no longer have any more excuses to contact him. Will write a short reply to his email and that's it. Promise I did the same thing. Was on LC for a bit with the ex. When I got contact, I would literally feel as if I was running through a field of sunflowers singing The Sound of Music. Then two days later with no contact from him, I would fall flat on my face. Tapping my arm looking for that needle. The cycle would start all over again. If you have no regrets, great. You got what you needed. You know you two are on good terms. Sweet and short reply and get back on that wagon again. Who knows, in time when you are completely healed you can have him back in your life again and this time without all the drama and heartache.
Author Popondetta Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) That's right geegirl! We think we need the high, but it's just doing us damage. That being said I still don't regret sending that first email, as I just felt right about doing it when I did it. It's not that I think we can become friends or anything right now, but I don't feel like it did any damage to my healing and it didn't make me feel like a nagging b¤%ch either. Now he can sit back and remember the good times and remember how cool and collected I am, even after the breakup. I'm back on strick NC now after I replied to his email: "Hi! Good to hear from you too! My new job is for xxxxxxxx which is run by some people I know. That's good that you get a lot of shifts where your work. Hope you have a nice week off! P" -------- I hope that was an ok email to send. I didn't ask anything back so I'm not waiting for a reply now. Only time will tell what happens with the two of us. How's your NC going geegirl? Has he tried contacting you? Are you feeling better about the situation? Are you still hoping he'll come back? Do you think in my situation there's a chance he'll ever come back? Edited April 13, 2011 by Popondetta
Author Popondetta Posted May 5, 2011 Author Posted May 5, 2011 And now I feel like ***** again!!! I just can't stop thinking about him and worry that he has forgotten all about me...I just feel like a complete mess and wondering how long I have to go NC before I get a sense of closure and acceptance of the situation. The way he broke up with me (not being sure about it) is unfortunately making me sit here and wait for him to regret his descision. I KNOW it's stupid of me, but I it hurts too much to think that I'll never be with him again. I dream about him at night and I hate it. I think about him all the time when I'm awake and I hate that too. I need som advice on how to cope and move on. Being unemployed at the moment isn't really helping either, but hopefully I'll get one of the jobs I have applied for. Please someone help: How long do I have to feel as miserable as I am now.. 2 months since the breakup, 5 months since the break that startet it all....
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