fishtaco Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 So I was out this past weekend and I saw this hot woman (Booty). She's got guys all over her, so I didn't pay her any attention. I did my thing and had a good time. So today, I was just going to talk with a friend (Blondie) then come home after work. But Blondie dragged me out dancing instead. As it turned out, Booty showed up too, and is Blondie's friend!! Oh lucky me. See, this is when having a giant social circle helps. If I had approached her this past weekend, it would have been a cold approach, plus I'd have to fight off other guys. Now, I have a way in. Plus, bonus points, during the introduction, Booty remembers me from the weekend, even though I didn't interact with her. But, I didn't really talk to her tonight. Why? because I have a situation. My other friend, Red, likes me. She monopolized my time tonight. I don't care if Booty saw that, if anything that just helps my game. But, after my game was "helped", I should have bailed on Red and went after Booty. That would be the correct path. But... my nice guy-ness kicked in and messed things up. I felt bad because Red likes me, so I sort of stuck with her the whole night. I even bought her drinks. Why? Because she is my friend and she genuinely likes me, so I don't mind spending money on her. But it had the wrong effect. Now she REALLY likes me. When I walked her to her car (I do that for my female friends frequently), she gave me a super long hug that she never did before, and she wanted to kiss me. Good thing I'm a guy so I get to play the "duh.. I'm such a dumb guy and didn't realize it" card and didn't do anything. She probably thought I was shy or something. Oh man was she wrong. Without my nice guy past twisting my arm, I would have cranked the game and tried to take her home with me tonight. But nope, I was just being a nice friend. Thanks a lot nice guy past. So this was the most forward Red has been with me. I think it's time for me to have a talk with her. Not to mention I plan on hitting up on one of her friends (Material Girl). So it's probably better to let Red know where I stand with her, than to let her witness me putting my moves on Material Girl... Surprise! I'm hitting on your hot friend right in front of you. I'd feel really bad if I do that to Red. She's a nice girl. Dammit... So now I have to do this the hard way. Whatever happened to it's a bad thing to hit on your friend? That's a rule that was invented by women. I want it to work for me for once dammit.
Titania22 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I feel for you. I hate it when friends get the wrong idea.
Kamille Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) Really? You feel that not taking advantage of a friend who has a crush on you is some cognitive distortion linked to a "nice guy" past? That's hilarious. It's funny that you feel you need to justify basic human decency because a group of guys might come in here and roast you for caring for a friend. I think the distortion is that you're trying to please too many people, from Red to Sosuave guys, and not doing what you want to do (go after Booty). That being said, yeah, tell Red you're not into her. Or, minimally, stop buying her drinks, walking her to her car and spending whole evenings with her. You clit-teaser. Also, you should have ignored Red and gone for Booty of course. That would have cleared up this whole mess from the get go. Red would have gotten the idea and, guess what, she might have been hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Red is not some fragile flower. Edited April 6, 2011 by Kamille
Hules Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Really? You feel that not taking advantage of a friend who has a crush on you is some cognitive distortion linked to a "nice guy" past? That's hilarious. It's funny that you feel you need to justify basic human decency because a group of guys might come in here and roast you for caring for a friend. I think the distortion is that you're trying to please too many people, from Red to Sosuave guys, and not doing what you want to do (go after Booty). That being said, yeah, tell Red you're not into her. Or, minimally, stop buying her drinks, walking her to her car and spending whole evenings with her. You clit-teaser. Also, you should have ignored Red and gone for Booty of course. That would have cleared up this whole mess from the get go. Red would have gotten the idea and, guess what, she might have been hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Red is not some fragile flower. Gotta agree with Kamille, you seem to be trying to please everyone, I feel sorry for Red and understand why she might of gotten the wrong idea.
Author fishtaco Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 That being said, yeah, tell Red you're not into her. Or, minimally, stop buying her drinks, walking her to her car and spending whole evenings with her. You clit-teaser. Everything I did with Red, I could have explained away with simply being friends. Even if I were flirting with her, big deal. Women flirt with me for no reason all the time. This is just how it is. Background noise in the dating scene. Also, you should have ignored Red and gone for Booty of course. That would have cleared up this whole mess from the get go. Red would have gotten the idea and, guess what, she might have been hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Red is not some fragile flower. You are right. Even though I feel bad, she's not a fragile little flower. I should have just done that, and she would have just gotten the hint. But I at this point I think a talk is better than having her witness me hitting on Material Girl right in front of her. No? Or perhaps I should just do that to send her the signal?
Akumark Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Really? You feel that not taking advantage of a friend who has a crush on you is some cognitive distortion linked to a "nice guy" past? That's hilarious. It's funny that you feel you need to justify basic human decency because a group of guys might come in here and roast you for caring for a friend. I think the distortion is that you're trying to please too many people, from Red to Sosuave guys, and not doing what you want to do (go after Booty). That being said, yeah, tell Red you're not into her. Or, minimally, stop buying her drinks, walking her to her car and spending whole evenings with her. You clit-teaser. Also, you should have ignored Red and gone for Booty of course. That would have cleared up this whole mess from the get go. Red would have gotten the idea and, guess what, she might have been hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Red is not some fragile flower. Kamille nailed it again! Ha I wish I could speak my words in english like that! Someday I might even ask you an advice
Author fishtaco Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Kamille -- Oops, my bad, I was in a rush to go to lunch so I didn't read your post closely... you did say I should talk to her so nevermind my post. But about the buying drinks thing, it came up before. And one of the female LS posters was basically saying I'd be cheap bastard if I don't get a drink for someone else that was hanging out with me, when I'm getting a drink for myself. Now I still don't buy drinks for women, if they're just strangers I'm trying to chat up. But if I'm with a friend, and I get up to go get a drink, I don't see what the big deal is if I get her a drink too.
Kamille Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I've never heard of a rule that says you're a cheap bastard if you don't get the person you happen to be chatting with a drink (or, in your case, drinks). I mean, by that standard, everyone should always be buying everyone else drinks. (hmmm... Perhaps not a bad idea after all!). I've had friends buy me drinks, but it's more of a "round' thing, where we'll both be chatting when the waiter rolls by and the friend will offer to buy this round. We then continue to chat another 5-10 minutes and then each head our separate way, to proceed with our evening. I've also bought friends drinks in much the same manner (I'll get this one). I have heard the saying that when a guy insist on buying your drinks, he's possibly showing interest. But it's not the buying a drink alone thing that does it. It's the fact that you knew she has feelings for you (so she was likely trying her best to flirt), it sounds like you spent most of a social evening with her and then you walked her to a car. In my neck of the woods, 1+1+1+1= she's going to think you're interested. You did pretty much everything a guy who is into a girl will do. One thing about talking to her... How often do you see her? Could she have gotten the message from you not kissing her after that long hug?
Author fishtaco Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I've never heard of a rule that says you're a cheap bastard if you don't get the person you happen to be chatting with a drink (or, in your case, drinks). Well, it wasn't you that was arguing about it with me in that thread. And I would agree with you. It's a choice. I'd think either way is fine. But it's not the buying a drink alone thing that does it. It's the fact that you knew she has feelings for you (so she was likely trying her best to flirt), it sounds like you spent most of a social evening with her and then you walked her to a car. In my neck of the woods, 1+1+1+1= she's going to think you're interested. You did pretty much everything a guy who is into a girl will do. Your neck of the woods is probably more suitable for someone like her. My neck of the woods... Southern California, everyone is playing. I'm actually playing nice. Yes, she was flirting with me. I was responding, but staying on my side of the line. In fact, I was trying to spend time with my friends too. I had Blondie there, plus like 5 other friends. Plus like at least 5 other acquaintances. And Booty. But Red was complaining & pouting like when I told her "sorry.. I promised the next dance to so-and-so", and I'd go off. But after that, I would come back to her and dance with her the very next song, because I'd feel bad, even though I know I shouldn't, like I said, my nice guy past is haunting me still. But when some other guy asked her to dance, I'd be like okay.. I'm off, then I'd disappear for 20 minutes doing my own thing before I came back. So I did give her the most attention out of my friends, but I didn't exclusively stuck by her as if we were on a date. From my perspective, it was only a probability that she was flirting for genuine romantic interest, until I realized she wanted a kiss at the end of the night. Women DO flirt with me for other reasons, that's just how it's done here. And since I'm not interested in her romantically, I had no reason to find out what her real motive is for flirting. I just played along without crossing the line... according to me. I understand everyone have a different line. But it wouldn't make sense for me to use someone else's line, because I'm me and that's my line. One thing about talking to her... How often do you see her? Could she have gotten the message from you not kissing her after that long hug? Sometimes once every few weeks or so, sometimes twice a week. Never more than that. You're right, it may be possible that she got the message. Tentatively we were going to hang out on Sunday. The problem is, Material Girl tend to be there Sunday. I was going to hit on her. So maybe I should gauge Red's reaction on Sunday to test if the talk is necessary, and push off on hitting up on Material Girl until a later time? If the talk is necessary I'm perfectly fine with calling her up and telling her we need to talk, I'd rather not wait till the next hang out. Because hanging out is for fun. The talk would sort of negate that. I'm leaning toward talking to her before Sunday. Then she could choose if she wants to show up on Sunday or not. If she comes back with... Oh please... don't flatter yourself. I'm fine with that. I'd go.. oops, my bad, give her a big hug, and that'd be it.
Author fishtaco Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) Wait. I thought you had a gf?? No, I did a quick update of my original thread about her. But it floated off real quick, so I figure people weren't interested and I didn't bother. First she wasn't my GF, I stopped multi dating for her, but I was waiting for the time and communication issue to be resolved. It didn't and in fact gotten worse. I never got that phone call I wanted to talk to her about our relationship. She cut off all communication, for over a week already. So I did what I was supposed to do... I txted her (much rather talk but I did not even have the opportunity), and said basically I'm backing off. She never replied. This was Friday of last week. So this weekend, as a free man, I went out and did my thing. I tend to hit the ground running, if you haven't noticed. Interestingly, her brother in law, who has been my good friend for many years, told me today in secret, that it was the mom. She told her to date someone of the same religion instead (they're Christian, I'm agnostic). She is 29 yes, but she follows what her mom tells her. My friend had no reason to make this stuff up, but even if I didn't know the reason, it still doesn't change the fact that she cut off contact, and that pretty much means the end. Edited April 7, 2011 by fishtaco
daphne Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I'm sorry to hear that. I can actually relate to parental influence on dating choices. My dad made me break up with the love of my life, and I resented him later for it. He was a fairly domineering person. That being said, I'm glad you tried to communicate with her. You have no regrets and you put it out there. She may wonder down the road if she made the right decision the way she did, but you won't. Nothing wrong in moving on when it's clear your'e getting the red light. And her silence makes it very clear. I will admit that your attempt to protect your friend Red does make you a very likeable character. You may not be happy with the decision, but at least you don't feel like crap for hurting her feelings. But you might want to be clear with her so you don't hurt your chances later. Carry on with your cavorting.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 skip the talk and just give her the "duh.. I'm such a dumb guy and didn't realize it" card i mean that would make her think she's reading more into it and could easily shrug things off when you start hitting on Material Girl
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