The worst thing possible just happened...

[EricaH329]

I don't know whether to put this in this forum or in the coping forum, it could go in both so i'll just leave it here. I apologize if it's the wrong one.

 

Anyway, my ex and I broke up on my birthday (happy birthday to me!). We broke up because he was an alcoholic who tried to become sober. I pushed for him to become sober, and after he was sober, it was like a completely different person. He was angry ALL the time over absolutely nothing. He was extremely depressed, crying when we would wake up and i'd console him. It was a bad situation.

 

Needless to say, he made the decision that since he has a lot of **** he needs to work on, that being in a relationship wasn't a good idea. I agreed, although it hurt.

 

He relapsed and spent the night at my house the last 2 days. He has started his detox once again (which means i'll probably be pushed to the side again). Which I understood.

 

That's just the back story. This is where **** really goes down. He has severe trust issues with everyone in his life. He confided in me and told me things that he has never told anyone. And he said that made him feel great to have a person like that in his life. BUT... the down side to that is that he was constantly doubting me because of his trust issues. He would hear something from someone that wasn't true, but make it true in his mind, accuse me of it, and never believe me when I tell him it isn't true.

 

True story, I never did anything but be supportive and loyal to him, even as a friend.

 

I go to work today, find out that he has been texting and calling a new girl at work (who has a boyfriend). I saw the texts and heard the voice message he left her. Keep in mind, this was literally minutes after he left my house yesterday.

 

To top it all off, he told her that the reason we broke up was because of 'things' (the made up BS he chose to believe) about me that he couldn't deal with and didn't know about when we first got together. When the real reason why we broke up was because he is mentally f*cked up right now.

 

I'm fuming. I've been fuming since I found out about 12 hours ago. I can't seem to calm myself down. None of this makes any sense to me what so ever. He confided in me, I supported him, I consoled him while he was crying on my shoulder. And come to find out, this is what he was doing behind my back. And i'm the bad guy to him.

 

I'm so damn confused. I feel hurt, betrayed and humiliated. And yet, he is telling me it's my fault?!?! What sense does that make?

 

Sorry this is long, I really needed to vent.

[Mov]

Sorry to hear that

 

The problem here i think is that is he is an alcoholic then that is the most important thing in his life. He needs to sort that out because you should be more important thing.

Trying to hit on another girl seems to be a common safety net routine and keeping options open.

 

You need to determine if he wants to be with you and if he does he needs to stick to detox or more pain will happen in the near and distant future.

[EricaH329]

After everything that has just happened with him, there is zero chance of us getting back together.

 

He really needs to be focusing on becoming sober, since that is more important. He couldn't be with me because it's a struggle to become sober, but he could try and hook up with a girl I work with? That's so contradictory and disrespectful.

 

What he does with his life is no longer my problem. I'm just confused as to how everything turned out.

[Mov]

After everything that has just happened with him, there is zero chance of us getting back together.

 

He really needs to be focusing on becoming sober, since that is more important. He couldn't be with me because it's a struggle to become sober, but he could try and hook up with a girl I work with? That's so contradictory and disrespectful.

 

What he does with his life is no longer my problem. I'm just confused as to how everything turned out.

 

i know what you mean, sometimes people need closure and an explanation, very few Dumpers want to do this as they made a choice and don't see why they have to explain it.

Sounds like it was alcohol and the dependency on it that made everything turn out the way it did.

[betterdeal]

You sound like you're angry at the deliberate harm he is doing to you, but you're holding that anger back. He's libelled you and sullied your reputation. After giving him love, care and attention, this must come as something of a "slap in the face".

 

Focus on your needs. You have spent too much of your energy helping him and ignoring your own needs. Now it's time to fill the deficit. Consider taking this matter to court, and let him know you will / are doing so.

 

He will not get better whilst his actions are condoned by your inactions. It is not okay to hurt you like this. Make it official. Get it in writing. Contact a lawyer. Severe your connection with this man and immediately work to repair the damage he has done to you.

 

If I, as a stranger, spread lies about you, you'd be angry, right? That you have absorbed some of his problems is the only reason you're suppressing this anger. Don't let his problems be yours. You need to protect yourself, your reputation, your happiness.

[EricaH329]

i know what you mean, sometimes people need closure and an explanation, very few Dumpers want to do this as they made a choice and don't see why they have to explain it.

Sounds like it was alcohol and the dependency on it that made everything turn out the way it did.

 

Oh, absolutely. When he was drunk (or under the influence) he was a really great guy. There were a couple of occasions where things got a bit out of control, but for the most part he was wonderful.

 

It wasn't until he became sober that he turned into this insanely depressed, lying, insensitive jerk.

 

What i'm so curious about, is that he was *such* an advocate of being honest. He claimed to never lie, and expects the same in return. I was never anything but fully honest with him. When we broke up, and were still hanging out, he told me that when people would ask him about what happened between us, he would say "It's none of your business."

 

Come to find out, not only was that a lie, but he would tell people a complete and utter lie about why we broke up. It's like i'm in an alternate universe. It came out of no where. None of this makes any sense to me.

 

When I found out that he was trying to hook up with a girl that I work with, I admit I overreacted a bit. I sent him some text messages that were very nasty, which I apologized for later. But I was understandably upset. The texts he sent me were, "I'm sorry, I was drunk, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry for treating you wrong." But then 5 minutes later he was accusing me of things I never did and saying it was all my fault. I just don't get it.

 

You sound like you're angry at the deliberate harm he is doing to you, but you're holding that anger back. He's libelled you and sullied your reputation. After giving him love, care and attention, this must come as something of a "slap in the face".

Focus on your needs. You have spent too much of your energy helping him and ignoring your own needs. Now it's time to fill the deficit. Consider taking this matter to court, and let him know you will / are doing so.

 

He will not get better whilst his actions are condoned by your inactions. It is not okay to hurt you like this. Make it official. Get it in writing. Contact a lawyer. Severe your connection with this man and immediately work to repair the damage he has done to you.

 

If I, as a stranger, spread lies about you, you'd be angry, right? That you have absorbed some of his problems is the only reason you're suppressing this anger. Don't let his problems be yours. You need to protect yourself, your reputation, your happiness.

 

The bolded part really stands out to me. I was nothing but loyal, honest, faithful, and supportive with him. Even when he treated me like sh*t I was still there by his side helping him to get better. The hurt and betrayal I feel is so deep.

 

More than that, I thought he was a completely different person. I didn't think he was capable of doing what he did to me. He humiliated me in front of everyone that I work with. Told lies about me to them, and then continued to try and hook up with one of them. I feel like such a fool, and an idiot.

[betterdeal]

You're not a fool or an idiot. You're a survivor. A kind and intelligent person with a heart of gold. Don't let him tarnish it any more.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

He has started his detox once again (which means i'll probably be pushed to the side again). Which I understood.

 

 

 

So is this a SELF-detox by chance????

 

 

What this person needs is to be a regular at "A.A.", and NOT to be in a relationship for at least a year of that.

 

Anything less is just some guy B.S.'ing you about one thing or another.

 

 

Don't bet your young life on somebody who wouldn't be taking "detox" seriously.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband was drunk everyday and had been for over 10 years when I met him. It takes a lot of time to adjust to sober living after quitting plus dealing with the underlying internal conflicts that got him to that point to begin with.

 

If he is an alcoholic that just quit he is not going to even be comfortable in his own skin for a long while.

 

BTW, addiction is almost always underlaid with dishonesty. Do not be shocked by this, realize it and go from there.

[EricaH329]

You're not a fool or an idiot. You're a survivor. A kind and intelligent person with a heart of gold. Don't let him tarnish it any more.

 

Wow. This entire post hurts. Only because this is exactly what he said to me. He always told me that I have a heart of gold, and that I was such a great person. And then he turned around and hurt me the way he did.

 

I know i'm a great person, but it hurts the most when someone else acknowledges it and then purposely does something to ruin it.

 

I'm done feeling bad about it. None of this is my fault in any way what so ever. I've already told him to lose my number and never talk to me again. I just can't believe I gave so much to him, and then he did this to me. It just hurts, ya know?

 

So is this a SELF-detox by chance????

 

 

What this person needs is to be a regular at "A.A.", and NOT to be in a relationship for at least a year of that.

 

Anything less is just some guy B.S.'ing you about one thing or another.

 

 

Don't bet your young life on somebody who wouldn't be taking "detox" seriously.

 

Absolutely!!! And that is exactly why we broke up. After he became 'sober' for the first time, he realized he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with before he can be in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, he relapsed and I had no idea about it. That's when he pulled me back in, and then screwed me over. The worst part about this, is that I had NO idea he relapsed. I should have known because he was much nicer when he was drinking.

 

After I found out he relapsed, I tried to be supportive. To the best of my ability. And come to find out, the entire time he was trying to get with an 18 year old, who I work with, that has a boyfriend, and is still in highschool (he is 27).

 

I'm trying my best not to be bitter about this. But just the thought of what he did makes me upset.

 

My husband was drunk everyday and had been for over 10 years when I met him. It takes a lot of time to adjust to sober living after quitting plus dealing with the underlying internal conflicts that got him to that point to begin with.

 

If he is an alcoholic that just quit he is not going to even be comfortable in his own skin for a long while.

BTW, addiction is almost always underlaid with dishonesty. Do not be shocked by this, realize it and go from there.

 

Wow, I can really relate to your entire post. He was not comfortable at all in his own skin. As a matter of fact, he was so depressed that all he would do was cry. He would cry all day.

 

I thought that being so vulnerable (as a man), would mean that he was trying to make some sort of progress. I was completely wrong. He cried on my shoulder, then 5 minutes later turned around and lied and betrayed me.

 

It's so hurtful. Especially when you tried your best to be there for them. I guess the only thing left is to leave them alone and accept what they have done to you.

[betterdeal]

Imagine you're in a woodland and you find him with a serious injury to his leg.

 

You'd call the emergency services. They would, if they could find their way through the woods, turn up in numbers, with equipment and training. They use a stretcher, painkillers, sedatives, protocols, techniques, do the heavy lifting in a safe way.

 

But they can't. You're out of range, and neither of you are sure of exactly where you are. So you try and help. But on your own, unequipped, untrained. You can carry him for a bit, but it's causing you pain. He's clinging on, you're getting hurt.

 

You carry on as best you can, but every time you help him he keeps on deliberately making sharp sudden movements in frustration. He's making the injury worse. You step away and tell him to stop doing that. He's reaching out and clinging desperately to you, snatching at you, doing all he can to convince you that it'll be okay, he won't be such a burden, he won't lean on you so much, he can do most of the walking if you'd just provide a bit of support. But every time you go back he's heavier and his fingers dig deeper into you. Your torn between your want to help him and your need to preserve you. This is why you have pulled away. You're angry, upset, ashamed, tired, relieved.

 

His recovery will need the support of lots of different people. As will yours. The burden needs to be spread around. A little help from a lot of people adds up to enough, but if he keeps on kicking things out of frustration he won't heal no matter how many people offer to help him.

 

My advice? Take time to acknowledge and accept your feelings. Keep on getting support from other sources, such as this forum, your friends and family, your doctor. If you have to talk with him, tell him how you feel now, and what you want, and be clear and precise about it. Something along the lines of

 

I'm tired and have a lot of mixed feelings that I want to work through. I need time and space away from you to do this. I want you to give me that time and space. I certainly cannot help you right now. I'll be looking for help from professionals to help me deal with my own problems. I recommend you do too.

Edited April 8, 2011 by betterdeal