shawn923 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Me and my ex girlfriend who dumped me are now on good terms again. Basically I've went NC on her twice, and each time she comes crying back letting me know doing that would be a mistake and she doesnt wanna lose me as a "friend"... And she still shows obvious signs of jealously and such as if she would when we went together. Now, we're taking it easy. Deep down I still want her back though. She says she was back to dating again but it was nothing too serious... And we may have some time to hang out this weekend. So basically, i need some advice on how to handle this situation... I mean if she ends up having a boyfriend, i will let her know i can not be her friend any longer and I will stick to NC. But it seems shes waiting for me to change, so she can come back when she feels ready. I never lied, cheated, or abused her. It was more of a trust thing, something over time I would have to work on. So how do i show her I've changed? I mean at this point it wont hurt to try, especially when im pretty sure she still has major feelings for me, but is scared to make that jump back to me... So where do i go from here and how do i handle it? How can I show her i've changed and ready to start again?
1784 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hey Shawn923, My question to you is... what HAVE you changed and is it something that needed changing? Most people don't really change. Sure, they can quit smoking or watch less television. You know, habits. But ultimately people are who they are, especially the older they get. What most people should strive for is a partner that loves them just the way they are. No one should expect their partner to have to change. That's a control issue. You trying to mold your significant other into something 'more appealing' for you. It's rotten. I'd be careful with your situation. She misses you... as a friend. Not great. she has to miss you as a boyfriend. She could be on her way. Could be. I think she needs more time without you in order to realize that, though. She has to realize that she can't have you whenever she wants. She can't be friends with you. You can't be there for her. This is really the only way to go about it. The bottom line is that you are perfect for someone just the way you are. If it's not her then it's probably someone else. I understand you wanting to be with this woman. I do. But hanging out and being her emotional crutch isn't going to get you back to where you want to be.
DustySaltus Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hey Shawn923, My question to you is... what HAVE you changed and is it something that needed changing? Most people don't really change. Sure, they can quit smoking or watch less television. You know, habits. But ultimately people are who they are, especially the older they get. What most people should strive for is a partner that loves them just the way they are. No one should expect their partner to have to change. That's a control issue. You trying to mold your significant other into something 'more appealing' for you. It's rotten. I'd be careful with your situation. She misses you... as a friend. Not great. she has to miss you as a boyfriend. She could be on her way. Could be. I think she needs more time without you in order to realize that, though. She has to realize that she can't have you whenever she wants. She can't be friends with you. You can't be there for her. This is really the only way to go about it. The bottom line is that you are perfect for someone just the way you are. If it's not her then it's probably someone else. I understand you wanting to be with this woman. I do. But hanging out and being her emotional crutch isn't going to get you back to where you want to be. ^Sound advice. I will add that when someone tells you that they miss you as a "friend", it's because they feel guilty for what they did and want to be let off the hook. By going NC you aren't letting them off the hook and your also putting the focus back on yourself. Don't mirror yourself to her needs because that would only lead to resentment. Be your own man and you will attract the person that you should be with. I know it's hard to understand at this moment because you do care about her. Trust me, in time you will realize that the best is yet to come. Let her know that you can't be friends and go into full NC. Resist ALL urges to make contact with her, no matter how hard she tries. Then she'll know that you mean business. If it gets to that point and she's literally beating down your door, come back here and tell us about it. We'll find out if it's genuine. For no, focus on you.
silvermane187 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hey buddy I just have to add that whether she has a BF or not you do NOT want to end up in the dreaded friend zone. I know exactly how you feel. I tried HARD to be my ex's friend after she dumped me because I loved her so much I would do anything to keep her in my life. Luckily for me she left it at "mayeb we can be friends sometime down the road" Now that I've had a few months to process everything I see for a fact that being friends with her would have done WAY more harm than good. Plus once you're in the friend zone it's damn near impossible to get out. In my opinion you have to man up and make your intentions known. If you go NC and she begs for your friendship you have to be open and honest that you couldn't stand the idea of her being with another man so it's either all or nothing. I know exactly your mind state right now. I came a forum wit the same "DON'T TELL ME NOT TO QUIT, Id rather lose her with a fight than just let go!" Well looking back I would have had a much better chance of getting her back if I told her friendship was never an option and gone compelte NC from the beginning. Not to mention my mental state would be much better at this point. Anyawy good luck with whatever you decide. When it comes to college age girls you need all the luck you can get. Bitches be crazy.
Trevster Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 My girl broke it off with me because of a trust issue n the back of her head its been 3 weeks almost 4 and she wont speak to me and im finally n full NC hoping it turns out good man. But what you need to do is prove to her everyday that you are different dont start dating other girls just yet like she said and dont try to take a stab at her. Look she is testing you man she might be dating others but nothing serious have fun with your friends but relax man because she is seeing if your true. If you really love her man then no other girl matters. Girls start to date at first just to test the waters but they end up coming around and finding out what really makes them happy. Shoot my girl even deleted me off her FB and all our pictures but i love her and something deep down is telling me not to give up man.... Act casual but dont let your emotions take over just be calm man and dont bring up a relationship or anything of that nature unless she does...... Stay strong never give up.
Call Me Al Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Change requires time, patience, and trial and error. Emphasizing you have changed to someone means you probably haven't. Your actions will show a change rather than your words. Being an ex girlfriends friend will not result in you dating again. Its basically the polar opposite of you dating again. There is nothing you can do to get this girl to say to you "I want to be with you again". No action or inaction you can take that will force that response out of her. There shouldn't be a need to act casual towards her, because you should not involve yourself with her right now. Anyone who knows and understands someone on an emotional level is going to see through an act of nonchalance or indifference. You cant really be ready for this because you havent given yourself a chance to let go.
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