Author Amour7 Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Tiger brought up something that is important....I think part of healing is allowing yourself to be angry at yourself. Yes I know that sounds silly......and no it's not good to dwell on it or stew in it forever but the anger at yourself allows you to come to the realization that you will take better care of yourself in the future and not allow yourself to get into such a situation again. Just don't do anything destructive with that anger because you also need to forgive yourself. Oh yes, I am angry at myself, too. I am angry for devoting 2 years of my life to a relationship that was as painful as pleasurable. I am angry for compromising my other relationships. I lied to friends and family for him, I cancelled plans to be available when he was, and withheld so much from others in order to protect him. I am angry for letting myself settle to be less than someone's number one. I am angry for believing his lies when I knew better. I am angry for exposing myself to the possibility of disease. I am angry for not getting out sooner. I am pissed part of me still longs to hear from him and keeps checking my email just in case he might send me something. Sigh... That does feel better to get it out. So far only a few tears today. I am happy, well, at least relieved, about something. I confessed a small bit of the story to my mom. She has noticed that I have been sad on the phone, and most recently, that I have been snapping a bit lately. I just was tired of holding it in and having her make wrong assumptions. She wasn't surprised and was completely supportive. I am so lucky to have her. That is true unconditional love.
Breezy Trousers Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 It's so much harder being at work with him. Wish you could get out of there. No contact, no contact, no contact ... Anger is part of grieving ... It's a sign that you're emotionally detaching from an unhealthy situation, so that's fantastic. I think one day you'll be grateful for this experience because it made you a wiser, stronger and more compassionate person. But hugs to you today. This is the tough part. Oh! I forgot -- I'm angry because the MM I nearly had an affair with (powerful man at work) moved onto another staffer. Okay, fair enough ... I suspected he was a creep, so he confirmed it for me ... But now I'm angry because 6 months later, he's still presumably with the staffer but regularly flirting me with again. He recently -- and REPEATEDLY -- offered to take me to my car as I worked late one night. And he's regularly showing up in my sphere again. I'm ignoring him, of course. He just wants my attention. That's all he ever wanted. Certainly not me. At least I know he's a predator, now. I don't have to fight my own delusions about him, which was 99 percent of my battle for two straight years.
Author Amour7 Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 It's so much harder being at work with him. Wish you could get out of there. No contact, no contact, no contact ... Anger is part of grieving ... It's a sign that you're emotionally detaching from an unhealthy situation, so that's fantastic. I think one day you'll be grateful for this experience because it made you a wiser, stronger and more compassionate person. But hugs to you today. This is the tough part. Oh! I forgot -- I'm angry because the MM I nearly had an affair with (powerful man at work) moved onto another staffer. Okay, fair enough ... I suspcted he was a creep, so he confirmed it for me ... But now I'm angry because 6 months later, he's still presumably with the staffer but regularly flirting me with again. He recently -- and REPEATEDLY -- offered to take me to my car as I worked late one night. And he's regularly showing up in my sphere again. I'm ignoring him, of course. He just wants my attention. That's all he ever wanted. Certainly not me. At least I know he's a predator, now. I don't have to fight my own delusions about him, which was 99 percent of my battle for two straight years. Thanks for sharing your angry story. Wow, these guys all start to sound the same: positions of power, need for attention, multiple affairs... Ugh. Yes, it helps me want to detach from him. I appreciate the hugs, too.
White Flower Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Oh yes, please! Thanks. You got me to chuckle a little. We can always put some sugar in his gas tank:-)
Breezy Trousers Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Thanks for sharing your angry story. Wow, these guys all start to sound the same: positions of power, need for attention, multiple affairs... Ugh. Yes, it helps me want to detach from him. Good! Mining for narcissistic supply (sex, attention, adoration) from subordinates is what these guys do. They get the same services from us as they do from a call girl -- sex, fawning attention, etc. Except they don't have to pay for it. They just hope to use their power to manipulate us into spreading our legs for them. They usually pick compliant, people-pleasing subordinates to target ... Maybe they throw a few gifts at us now and then, but it's always with strings attached. And it's still cheaper for them than paying an escort. For men in power, it's a game that's win-win for them. They get their status through marriage and some cake on the side merely with a few sweet words to their naive target... I believe the MM I deal with at work actually discusses it with men at his country club the way guys talk about their golf handicaps or scoring at other things. I can't go into details here, but I do think it's a sport for them and the subject of locker room talk. (Of course, I didn't want to see that the first year. But that was the reality.) Anger is good, as long as we don't get stuck in it. It's a necessary stage to waking up to the truth of the situation we've allowed ourselves to be seduced into. Some people can stay stuck in self-delusion for years and, the longer they stay, the more devastated they are at the end. So anger has tremendous value.
White Flower Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Good! Mining for narcissistic supply (sex, attention, adoration) from subordinates is what these guys do. They get the same services from us as they do from a call girl -- sex, fawning attention, etc. Except they don't have to pay for it. They just hope to use their power to manipulate us into spreading our legs for them. They usually pick compliant, people-pleasing subordinates to target ... Maybe they throw a few gifts at us now and then, but it's always with strings attached. And it's still cheaper for them than paying an escort. For men in power, it's a game that's win-win for them. They get their status through marriage and some cake on the side merely with a few sweet words to their naive target... I believe the MM I deal with at work actually discusses it with men at his country club the way guys talk about their golf handicaps or scoring at other things. I can't go into details here, but I do think it's a sport for them and the subject of locker room talk. (Of course, I didn't want to see that the first year. But that was the reality.) Anger is good, as long as we don't get stuck in it. It's a necessary stage to waking up to the truth of the situation we've allowed ourselves to be seduced into. Some people can stay stuck in self-delusion for years and, the longer they stay, the more devastated they are at the end. So anger has tremendous value.I don't know BT, I got out of my A everything you say these powerful men got out of theirs. I wouldn't call it narcissistic sex supply (whatever that is) but I would say I got an ample supply of sex, fawning adoration, things fixed and replaced around the house, plenty of ass-kissing where ass-kissing was appropriate, and a whole lot of love. We were on equal ground and I got just as much out of the A as he did, so there was no subordination there. In fact, as I see it, he was pretty much the subordinate one. As a retired man he had to work around my schedule if he wanted to spend time with me. And a lot of those times were spent going on picnics or the movies or on long drives just to talk and be together. It was a real R, and not the master/subordinate arrangement you speak of. The 'spreading the legs' mentality really gets my goat because it is used in a manner to demean women, and men as well. Why is my private part of more value than his, like it is some prized possession? Like it should be paid for? This is 2011! I didn't call him a gigalo when he gave it up to me over and over and for pleasuring me senseless for free. But you did pretty much describe my exH. He was a narcissistic power monger who tried to make me his subordinate and refused to see me as his equal. If I was leaving him for something better, MM had to be better than that! Having said all that, if the OP really felt used, yes, anger will be very productive in helping her move on.
LongAgo Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I was angry because in the end it was his mother who lived with him, he couldn't leave. I left my partner for him.
mizliz Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I don't know BT, I got out of my A everything you say these powerful men got out of theirs. I wouldn't call it narcissistic sex supply (whatever that is) but I would say I got an ample supply of sex, fawning adoration, things fixed and replaced around the house, plenty of ass-kissing where ass-kissing was appropriate, and a whole lot of love. We were on equal ground and I got just as much out of the A as he did, so there was no subordination there. In fact, as I see it, he was pretty much the subordinate one. As a retired man he had to work around my schedule if he wanted to spend time with me. And a lot of those times were spent going on picnics or the movies or on long drives just to talk and be together. It was a real R, and not the master/subordinate arrangement you speak of. The 'spreading the legs' mentality really gets my goat because it is used in a manner to demean women, and men as well. Why is my private part of more value than his, like it is some prized possession? Like it should be paid for? This is 2011! I didn't call him a gigalo when he gave it up to me over and over and for pleasuring me senseless for free. But you did pretty much describe my exH. He was a narcissistic power monger who tried to make me his subordinate and refused to see me as his equal. If I was leaving him for something better, MM had to be better than that! Having said all that, if the OP really felt used, yes, anger will be very productive in helping her move on. Forgive me White Flower, I'm uncertain of your relationship with MM. The curious thing to me is that you list a bunch of ego-related stuff, and then you say: "A whole lot of love". What does that mean?
Gentlegirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 You said this one right. Why oh why do they insist on being friends?...It's maddening!!! To hell with all of them I say:laugh: I would hate to have a friend whou treated me like x MM. That's not what friends do to each other.
Breezy Trousers Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) I don't know BT, I got out of my A everything you say these powerful men got out of theirs. I wouldn't call it narcissistic sex supply (whatever that is) but I would say I got an ample supply of sex, fawning adoration, things fixed and replaced around the house, plenty of @#!*% -kissing where @#!*% -kissing was appropriate, and a whole lot of love. We were on equal ground and I got just as much out of the A as he did, so there was no subordination there. In fact, as I see it, he was pretty much the subordinate one. As a retired man he had to work around my schedule if he wanted to spend time with me. And a lot of those times were spent going on picnics or the movies or on long drives just to talk and be together. It was a real R, and not the master/subordinate arrangement you speak of. The 'spreading the legs' mentality really gets my goat because it is used in a manner to demean women, and men as well. Why is my private part of more value than his, like it is some prized possession? Like it should be paid for? This is 2011! I didn't call him a gigalo when he gave it up to me over and over and for pleasuring me senseless for free. But you did pretty much describe my exH. He was a narcissistic power monger who tried to make me his subordinate and refused to see me as his equal. If I was leaving him for something better, MM had to be better than that! Having said all that, if the OP really felt used, yes, anger will be very productive in helping her move on. Your point is well made. I'm glad you weren't in an abusive situation. (And I'm glad you're far away from the ex-H.) I was referring to my situation, where a MM with tremendous power at my workplace appears to deliberately target certain kinds of subordinates. This MM became threatening after I made it clear I wasn't going to have sex with him. Not a nice man. An abuser, in fact, who is exploiting power dynamics at work to get supply. I saw what was behind his jovial mask after it became clear we weren't getting involved, and trust me -- it was frightening! He had absolutely no caring or empathy for me whatsoever. When you come face to fact with someone like that, it is as close to the word "evil" as you will ever care to experience. It's not at all about reciprocity or mutual caring. It takes someone with a strong sense of entitlement to cross boundaries with a subordinate for sex, especially in view of federal laws in place to protect subordinates from this very exploitation. A strong sense of entitlement often goes with narcissistic personality disorder. One size certainly does not fit all though. Not all MM are narcissists, obviously, so thanks for making your point about your own experience. Edited April 12, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
White Flower Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Forgive me White Flower, I'm uncertain of your relationship with MM. The curious thing to me is that you list a bunch of ego-related stuff, and then you say: "A whole lot of love". What does that mean? Your question is stated in an awkward manner, but I'll answer it with this; it means we were equals in our R. We both loved, enjoyed, anguished, and worked on our R. I was not his subordinate, nor was he mine.
White Flower Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Your point is well made. I'm glad you weren't in an abusive situation. (And I'm glad you're far away from the ex-H.) I was referring to my situation, where a MM with tremendous power at my workplace appears to deliberately target certain kinds of subordinates. This MM became threatening after I made it clear I wasn't going to have sex with him. Not a nice man. An abuser, in fact, who is exploiting power dynamics at work to get supply. I saw what was behind his jovial mask after it became clear we weren't getting involved, and trust me -- it was frightening! He had absolutely no caring or empathy for me whatsoever. When you come face to fact with someone like that, it is as close to the word "evil" as you will ever care to experience. It's not at all about reciprocity or mutual caring. It takes someone with a strong sense of entitlement to cross boundaries with a subordinate for sex, especially in view of federal laws in place to protect subordinates from this very exploitation. A strong sense of entitlement often goes with narcissistic personality disorder. One size certainly does not fit all though. Not all MM are narcissists, obviously, so thanks for making your point about your own experience. Thanks for clarifying BT. I didn't realize he had a MO for subordinates in the workplace. That is quite worrisome.
pureinheart Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I am tired of being sad over MM. I've shed more than enough tears for now. I just want to stay angry so I stop feeling this hurt. So, indulge me, if you would, in posting something you are angry with your former or current AP about. I am hoping it might fuel my angry fire. I typically am not an angry person at all, but I feel the need to try some different "therapy." So, I will start. I am so angry about how the affair started. I was hurting after I left my lying, a-hole xH, and he swooped in to "befriend" me. Then, after I didn't respond to any of his romantic advances, he told me he was leaving his wife. He was never leaving his wife. Just an entry point for the EA to move to PA. Just a thought Amour...I find so frequently that in the passion of the moment...whatever that "moment" might be...anger, love, hate, passion, of which there is a fine line between these emotions...did you consider what YOU want? We spend so much time when the individual turns out to be a jerk, to focus on the uncool things that the OP did. Why not focus on the fact that you would not want an individual like that anyway...basically the attitude that they are the one that lost out. For me, I am not angry, just disappointed that he will never reach his full potential. This is not my problem though. I remember telling him one day, after being extremely frustrated with his lack of initiative, that he could either come up higher with me or remain in his pit. Most people like that pit, and not everyones pit is the same, and the ways in which they ended up in the pit are different also...some were thrown in, some slipped in, and some jump into it. Some are a combination of all three. I am in a pit right now and have been for quite sometime, and am a combination. I could blame and curse, but where would that get me. Once in the pit, IMO, the best thing to do is understand how you got there and do your best not to let that re-occur, and then use whatever way works for you to get out. For me, I cannot do this on my own and need help of a divine nature to figure out for me who and what is the best, as my ways do not work. Anyway...I wish much prosperity to you:)
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