J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Never call you, visit you see, see you for X-mas or contact you during Mothers/Fathers day etc? Would it break you heart? I cut my mom off when I was 18-19 and I'm 33 now. She was never abusive but she wasn't a great mom. She was mentally ill when I was a teen, I never had the best clothes. I didn't go hungry but I was never well fed (chicken drumsticks and rice etc). Nosy and meddly, used to go through my stuff when I was 18 so I left her and never looked back. Never cared to call her or visit her on Mothersday; she was pretty much dead to me. Everyone thinks I am so evil because my mom is divorced and too crazy to have a relationship with a man so she is alone. Has no friends and no job and no one to take care of her or talk to her. I heard from relatives that when I was in my early 20's my mom spent years driving down the street to look for my car (it was a noticeable color). A few times she actually found me too! And I moved to a different place to get away from her. Some of my aunts said that her soul died because I left her and she spends all day and night wondering if I am alive. I find that pretty pathetic since I am fine. Also at some point she thought "people" were keeping me away from her (she is schizophrenic) because she couldn't imagine that her own daughter would hate her so much. My aunt told me that my mom's biggest fear is dying before she sees me. She is 67 now. She has no friends and she is mentally ill; the whole family told me that all she does is obsess over me constantly. I just don't love her. I feel like if I were in the same room with her and she was crying and bawling because she missed me I would feel nothing. How would you feel as a parent if a grown "child" left you and cut you off completely never to talk to you again? Would you be devastated?
D-Lish Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I went to school with a whole lot of people that didn't grow up with too much money, and had parents that weren't ideal- but none of them saw fit to cut them out of their life forever. I can't help but think there is much more to the story than what you're reporting.
Author J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I went to school with a whole lot of people that didn't grow up with too much money, and had parents that weren't ideal- but none of them saw fit to cut them out of their life forever. I can't help but think there is much more to the story than what you're reporting. There's no much more to the fact that she is mentally ill and I guess I never was a really empathetic person. I may be a bit of a sociopath. Also, she wasn't abusive but she was neglectful. She was cray-cray and we never had a relationship or talked when I was a teenager. She was too nuts to be a good mom. I had to make my own breakfast because she was depressed and would sleep. She never drove me to the mall to buy clothes. Even when I was 18 she wouldn't let me go out of the house to hang out with a guy. The saying goes that if you live under your parents roof you have to abide by their rules so I simply left and haven't had to deal with anyone's rules since then. I just sort of despise her but she never "really" abused me. She slapped me before though in the face when I broke something once. I still remember that. I don't know if that is really abusive. I just feel like I had bad teenage years because of her. Oh and she was overprotective which caused me to become shy and introverted. I am still passive aggressive to this day because she over sheltered me from the world. She never encouraged me to play with other kids and even to this day I don't really have any friends. I guess I blame her for sheltering me too much; as a result I never learned to develop a strong personality or to express myself. She stifled me. She was just a bad mom overall. Not to mention the fact that she was and still is schizo.
westernxer Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I went to school with a whole lot of people that didn't grow up with too much money, and had parents that weren't ideal- but none of them saw fit to cut them out of their life forever. I can't help but think there is much more to the story than what you're reporting. I didn't even own a car until I was 22 and in college, as my family couldn't afford another one. I agree, there has to be more to the story. A lot of moms are a bit on the unstable side. I hope you can reconcile, but that's just me.
Author J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Also, I am really anti social; so I prefer not to deal with family or having to talk to my mom and answer their questions etc. I've grown to be very introverted.
Author J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I didn't even own a car until I was 22 and in college, as my family couldn't afford another one. I agree, there has to be more to the story. A lot of moms are a bit on the unstable side. I hope you can reconcile, but that's just me. Just the way she raised me; she made me anti-social and passive aggressive by being overprotected and just plain crazy. I also forgot to say that she patronizes me. There were a few times when she got ahold of my email address and she was writing stuff like "take your vitamins and eat vegetables" etc and I'm thinking if I don't want to talk to you, what makes you think you can tell me what to do?! I despise being patronized; it makes me want to be violent. I wrote threads about all my issues with my mom before but under a different nickname Here is a thread I wrote in 2006 - post from 2006 below ------------------------------------------- Well, I'm 28 now but I still don't get along with my mom, we probably haven't spoken for 5 years, even though she really wants to and I know she's looking for me, I feel like I had a bad childhood and like my mother was never there for me. She never abused me extremely like hit me or anything like that, but I feel like she was a really bad mother and to this day I just don't want anything to do with her. Everything was fine when I was a kid, but when I was a teenager my mom things got bad.... It sounds stupid, but when I was a teenager we had very bad communication, my mom never even took me to the dmv to take my driving lessons, if I wanted to go I feel like I would have to take the bus or something cause no one would have given me a ride. And this sounds very "petty" but all through high school my mother never ever took me to the hair salon to cut my hair... she used to cut my hair when I was a kid but when I grew older I didn't like the way she cut it, so I refused. So I got so desperate I even had to cut my own hair and of course I went to school looking like crap. I feel this is kind of like "child neglect", I mean what kind of mother doesn't take care of their kid and just lets their hair run wild? What choice did I have but to cut my own hair? lol While of course all the popular girls got regular trims and looked normal, she caused me to look abnormal and that made my self-esteem very bad. I went to school with crooked hair!!!! lol I don't know if maybe it didn't dawn on her that i might need a haircut or what? I feel like I never got "taken care" of. She never let me date, and didn't like me talking to boys even when I was 18. She never really bought a lot of clothes for me, most of it was from aunts and uncles or saved up from money I got from birthdays or christmas. I don't think she cooked breakfast for me, I always had to make my own sandwich in the morning. I watch tv and see all these moms making breakfast, taking their daughters to the makeup counter/salon, taking them for their driving test, taking them shopping, and i feel like I never got any of that!! I just feel like she was a very bad mother and I feel like I have so much hatred for her... Most other kids got their licenses when they were 16, but I feel like my mom delayed it and never encouraged me to even go get my license, i'm not asking for a car here, just to take the test, because she didn't want me to leave her or something. And she was overprotective, opening my mail and eavesdropping and not respecting my privacy, even 10 years later I get mad when I think about it. I feel like its unforgivable, to this day I still can't forgive her and I feel like maybe I would have turned out "Better" if she raised me better, like guided me more. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88257/ --------------------------------- The worst is the patronizing and being treated like a child. I wrote a thread about that too http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t139525/
Author J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 She was patronizing me a few years ago when she got ahold of my email. I simply deleted them and wrote an email back cursing her out. I hate being treated like a child and being talked to as a child when I am an adult; it infuriates me. Since she last remembered as a child (18 I guess), she still thinks of me as a child and wrote for me to take vitamins etc. I hate that feeling. I don't care if she does it because she loves me; I find it infuriating and it makes my blood boil. It makes me feel powerless and weak and makes me want to go seriously postal.
westernxer Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) She was patronizing me a few years ago when she got ahold of my email. I simply deleted them and wrote an email back cursing her out. I hate being treated like a child and being talked to as a child when I am an adult; it infuriates me. Since she last remembered as a child (18 I guess), she still thinks of me as a child and wrote for me to take vitamins etc. I hate that feeling. I don't care if she does it because she loves me; I find it infuriating and it makes my blood boil. It makes me feel powerless and weak and makes me want to go seriously postal. Have you tried venting to a professional of some sort, or to someone in the flesh? We all go through this to a certain degree, but most of us have siblings who can be our sounding boards. Are you an only child, and is your father around? Sorry, I haven't read your other links yet. Edited April 6, 2011 by westernxer
Author J200 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Have you tried venting to a professional of some sort, or to someone in the flesh? We all go through this to a certain degree, but most of us have siblings who can be our sounding boards. Are you an only child, and is your father around? Sorry, I haven't read your other links yet. I used to vent to a friend about this and to my ex but never a professional. I am only child and father lives on another continent. He is like 69 years old with a 2 year old baby with his gf (who is younger than me).
westernxer Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I used to vent to a friend about this and to my ex but never a professional. I am only child and father lives on another continent. He is like 69 years old with a 2 year old baby with his gf (who is younger than me). A therapist might prescribe medication that doesn't tackle the root cause, so probably better to deal with this in a philosophical manner. Basically, your teenage years sucked, your mom was psycho, your dad is AWOL, and you can't change any if it. However, you can still change your outlook and accept it for what it is, without letting it get the best of you. Otherwise, you'll continue to be enslaved by the past, which can and will affect future relationships and erode your mental health.
bentnotbroken Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You don't have to love your mother...but be careful how you treat others. You could end up in your mother's shoes....alone is not a great place to be.
Kamille Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Ok. I get it. My mother has struggled with a mental illness for as long as I can remember. Yes, it messed me up. Yes, my teenage years were miserable. Yes, I struggle with passive-agression. Yes, she slapped me once, out of the blue, because I was whining as she tried to untangle my hair. So a lot of what you say echos with me. She isn't schizophrenic and she always managed to put a meal on the table (yes, rice and chicken... What's wrong with that?). I never turned my back on her and I have always felt like I loved her, but in terms of experiences, you and I share some in common. I think what you're doing here is some kind of self-therapy. I had to deal with all the anger I felt toward my mom before I was able to take responsibility for myself. I can now take responsibility for my passive-agressive behavior. I can now detach myself from the darker sides of my childhood, and self-care. I can do this because I went to therapy. When I started therapy, the therapist asked me what my goals were for my relationship with my mom. I couldn't come up with any. She suggested "improving the relationship" and I told her I wasn't even sure that was something I wanted. A year later, I have changed how I react to my mom and, guess what, surprise, our relationship is improving (slowly). I think your description of yourself as lacking empathy is a learned coping mechanism. You might have felt responsible for your mom's wellbeing as a kid, realized early on it was impossible to make her better, and switched to the opposite gear. Anyway, I do recommend therapy, if only to deal with the raw hand you feel you've been given. A therapist won't force you to talk to your mom if you don't want to. But most of them are specialized in dealing with exactly the kind of issues you describe.
stillafool Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 When I visit my aunt at the home I see and talk to plenty of people who have children they never hear from again. I feel sorry for them and am glad I'm not a parent. However, if I were a parent I would hope that my child would love me enough to call and to visit me. OP, I think it's interesting that you don't love your Mom, but you care enough to start a thread about her. Are you sure you don't really love your mom and just may be trying to punish her in some way? I hope not because life is so short.
Woggle Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I cut off my mother because she is an abusive wack who enjoys cutting me to shreds because I wasn't born a woman.
Minnie09 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I can totally relate. I do not love my mother either. I experienced the same kind of neglect as described by the OP, and even more. Already as a kid, and especially as a teen, I wished she was dead and I could live with strangers. I don't know if she had a mental illness or not, maybe. I am thinking narcissistic PD describes it really well. Who cares. I'm not in touch and not interested. Too much pain. Even now she doesn't recognize her shortcomings. If your mother knows and acknowledges her mental illness, it is a good sign. Does that mean she gets help? Mine never has. She still thinks she's flawless, lol. For this reason, I won't speak to her again. Lack of introspection makes me sick. I think it's ok to not love your parents. I do love my dad, btw. But I've always hated, disliked and not loved my mother. I don't know why this is sometimes so hard to understand for other people.
Minnie09 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Can some people not read? She didn't say she grew up (merely) underprivileged and poor, she said she grew up with a mentally ill parent. That's a difference. Why call her oversensitive and petty? Sometimes you have to distance yourself from damaging parents, whether they choose to be damaging or they are just victims of their own upbringing/health/mental state/you name it. Think about it. We cut people out of our lives if they harm us more than benefit us. Why not our parents?
spiderowl Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 (edited) Are you really bothered how she feels? I don't get the impression you have any empathy for her but just hate her for how she treated you. Something about the way you write about her suggests a complete disconnection from her emotionally. Whether this is because she did mistreat you or because you really don't have any empathy, I can't tell. You say she is mentally ill, but is that what her other relatives think too? If so, why are they telling you how upset she feels about you not being there? Why would they want you to know that? There's something I'm not understanding about this situation. You have obviously cut off from her and, from the sound of it, don't want to know her. If she is that bad, then there is no reason why you should bother with her again. It should be clear cut to you. I suppose what I suspect is happening is that you have come to the conclusion she is a terrible mother who may have abused you and yet others are not agreeing with that. Unless we can hear what others think is going on in this situation, it's really hard to grasp it properly. It's a pretty extreme situation if you are having to move to keep away from your mother. I agree with others that it may benefit you to talk to a professional about this. I have to say that I can easily imagine my son talking about me like this. I don't actually abuse him and he has a relatively easy life with treats and consideration. However, he does have Asperger's Syndrome and nil empathy. He thinks I'm crazy if I express any kind of emotion; he simply doesn't understand emotion. He also thinks I'm cruel to him if I expect him to do anything for himself or to treat me with civility. Yes, I can imagine him sounding very much like you in the future. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that he'll probably disappear off and ignore me, telling all his friends what an awful mother I am. Edited April 24, 2011 by spiderowl
lovelylove Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 My reply isn't going to be very popular, judging by the other comments. First of all, your mother is mentally ill. She's sick, and how can you blame her for that??? Not making breakfast, taking you to the mall, getting you a haircut, are far from abusive. That's not even neglect. I take care of people who suffered neglect and abuse, and what you're describing isn't bad parenting, it's at worst just laziness- but with schizophrenia it was probably really hard for your mother to cope. I think it's awful that you won't forgive her and contact her. That's just my opinion.
Goldenspoon Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 I used to vent to a friend about this and to my ex but never a professional. I am only child and father lives on another continent. He is like 69 years old with a 2 year old baby with his gf (who is younger than me). What's our ethnicity? I am trying to figure out what your or your parents's culture is.
Goldenspoon Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 And this sounds very "petty" but all through high school my mother never ever took me to the hair salon to cut my hair... she used to cut my hair when I was a kid but when I grew older I didn't like the way she cut it, so I refused. So I got so desperate I even had to cut my own hair and of course I went to school looking like crap. Have you considered that maybe she was just poor and couldn't afford all those things you want. You can't fault her for that, can you? And, neither can you fault her for having mental illness. I think it's somewhat cruel what you're doing to her considering that you're fully aware that she has a mental illness. Instead of caring for her or being there for her, you just abandonned your own mother.
denise_xo Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 My situation is somewhat similar to yours, and I only have irregular contact with my mother. Sometimes we've gone without contact for a couple of years. Being raised by a mentally ill parent can be extremely damaging. Personally I've been through a suicide attempt and spent years of using different resources trying to undo the damange. I have benefitted from therapy and recommend that, whether you want to talk to her or not.
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Are you really bothered how she feels? I don't get the impression you have any empathy for her but just hate her for how she treated you. Something about the way you write about her suggests a complete disconnection from her emotionally. Whether this is because she did mistreat you or because you really don't have any empathy, I can't tell. You say she is mentally ill, but is that what her other relatives think too? If so, why are they telling you how upset she feels about you not being there? Why would they want you to know that? There's something I'm not understanding about this situation. I am not bothered by her; I guess in general I have less empathy than others. I don't have a ton of compassion for others in general; I'm more cold hearted. My lack of empathy is probably from both; she probably mistreated me a bit but I also don't have any empathy. I am guessing most people would still have empathy if they were in my position, It is not not my opinion that she is mentally; we have 4-5 doctors in the family. She tells them she hears voices and stories about how the police are after her. She gets scared when there are police cars. When I was a kid she told me the gets messages from the "people inside the tv" and hears messages through the radio. I have an uncle who went to Harvard and is a doctor; THE WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS SHE IS SCHIZO and tried to stage an INTERVENTION to get her to take meds but she refuses to leave the house. My mom has TOLD my aunts and uncles that she hears voices and I know she does. The family is telling me how upset my mom is because they feel sorry for her because she is afraid to die without seeing me one last time. My aunt tells me she cries every time she sees my mom and that it breaks her heart to see my mom like that. They feel sorry for her. That's why they tell me to see her. They tell me she has nothing in this world; no friends, no family, spends holidays alone or with her sisters sometimes and cries all day because of me.
Author J200 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 What's our ethnicity? I am trying to figure out what your or your parents's culture is. What does ethnicity have to do with anything? I'm Asian but born in the west and non-traditional. Not close to my family, independent (moved out at 18). More modern than most caucasians. Extremely independent; family influence doesn't mean anything to me; I do as I please.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I don't think of my mother as my mother so that kind of changes up that dynamic. I don't think that I love either of my parents due to neglect (my father was kind enough to throw in lots of abuse too). I don't know what to say OP, other then I know that it is damned unhealthy. Do you see her interest now or do you see it as her manipulating you for her own selfish ends? I think that the emotion you have for her could best be described as resent (anger at someone for them not having acted the way that you want). Resent is unresolvable until you own it as anger and realize that she cannot change what was and that she was limited as a human being in raising you and what she could give to you.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I don't think of my mother as my mother so that kind of changes up that dynamic. I don't think that I love either of my parents due to neglect (my father was kind enough to throw in lots of abuse too). I don't know what to say OP, other then I know that it is damned unhealthy. Do you see her interest now or do you see it as her manipulating you for her own selfish ends? I think that the emotion you have for her could best be described as resent (anger at someone for them not having acted the way that you want). Resent is unresolvable until you own it as anger and realize that she cannot change what was and that she was limited as a human being in raising you and what she could give to you. My mum was abusive towards me too. My dad wasn't, but he seemed very distant. I often thought and even relished in the thought, of cutting my mum off completely. Because A) I didn't want her in my life, and B) it would show her that she had been very bad towards me. I could never do that to her now though, as she has calmed down a lot over the years, and shows acts of kindness towards me or that she cares sometimes, and I love her.
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