Need Protection

[feldman]

My girlfriend whom I was with for a year and a half broke up with me 9 days ago. She knew I loved her very much and thought I would never let go. The break up was very hard for me, for sure, but because we had break-ups before (that ended up us getting back together), after giving a week of NC (for her to calm down), I brought some flowers and went to her house unannounced on Saturday. I texted her to let she know I was there, since we did not talk on the phone before and it was supposed to be a surprise. I called a few times, leaving a message saying I am not sure if she is still mad or just out and about. Did not know how mad she was until she called me for a minute to say it is over and that I should stop calling or waiting in front of the door. Left her a message on the phone, saying I understand and I wasn't there to change her mind, just wanted to see her. Hung up saying, okay and that we had good times. So, I left, leaving flowers at the door. The next day, on an emotional low (we were going to get engaged and this break up was so sudden) I sent her a text saying this is very hard on me. On Monday, a few emails apologizing and telling her my desire to have her back. And a last e-mail after talking to a friend of mine for a few hours, telling her that I am convinced she is not coming back and good bye.

 

THEN, today, after all that is over, I learn that she actually went to the police on the day I was at her door for half an hour (no more). I am not sure if the police summoned the court at this point. Do I have a right to get this police report without appearing obessive about her? Also, how can I find out if there is a false restraining order against me? If so, can I appeal (not because I want to see her anymore but I don't want this to ruin my reputation and job prospects). HOW CAN I PROTECT MYSELF at this point.

Edited April 6, 2011 by feldman

[Art_Critic]

Just leave her alone.. no calls.. no texts.. no drive bys.. no flowers .. no emails.. nothing.. period..

 

You have to be served in order for there to be a TPO on you... so you would know if she got a judges order.. which is unlikely anyhow since they like her to believe her life is in danger before issuing those..

 

To Protect yourself.. stop contacting her at this point and there is no need to protect yourself anymore.

[Fufu]

I'm with Art_Critic.

 

You have to stop contacting her and this is the best of protecting yourself.

[liverpool fc]

sounds quite harsh of her to do that but just play the waiting game - no contact and see if anything happens (eg court wise etc)

[Sheppy99]

A girl that would do that sounds pretty cold and harsh. Definitely not the type of person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Think about your poor kids you'll one day have. How nurturing is someone like that going to be when they are upset? She going to then get restraining orders against her kids?

 

Crazyness.

 

Protect yourself and leave her to her own delusions. She obviously likes feeling important and being the center of attention and if this break up really was out of the blue and you didn't see it coming, makes her actions all the more cold and heartless.

[feldman]

Just leave her alone.. no calls.. no texts.. no drive bys.. no flowers .. no emails.. nothing.. period..

 

You have to be served in order for there to be a TPO on you... so you would know if she got a judges order.. which is unlikely anyhow since they like her to believe her life is in danger before issuing those..

 

To Protect yourself.. stop contacting her at this point and there is no need to protect yourself anymore.

 

First, thank you all for trying to help me. This was my first heartbreak, so it was extremely hard for me deal with (that is how I found this forum). Never been in this type of ugliness before, so I am a bit scared it would ruin my career and job prospects. Please help me.

 

Second, after learning this I have no intention to contact her or get back with her. For sure. I knew she was from a low-class family, but I did not think she would do such a thing (a false accusation to make sure break-up stands) without thinking about consequences.

 

Third, I did leave her alone, for a week, after the big argument. This weekend, after 7 days, her absense was really felt so I figured I'd try to see if we can work this out (was I supposed to give up so easily after a year and a half, we were going to get engaged). I had no idea she would go this low (it is possible she can lie about feeling being in danger, just to get the order)

 

It is ironic that I found this out after I already gave up. So she probably thinks I am still after her and will not stop bothering her. At this point, I will not even contact her to tell that is not true nor will I contact her to tell her not to do anything stupid to ruin my life (that might appear as a threat). Am I in a lose-lose situation? Is my only hope wait to see if there is a police at the door handing me things? What if I don't open the door? I don't want anything in my record. I checked MA laws and it says that it takes 10K to deal with an appeal (an order that can be granted ex-parte in 5 minutes) which can take a year. What a mess.

[feldman]

 

Protect yourself and leave her to her own delusions. She obviously likes feeling important and being the center of attention and if this break up really was out of the blue and you didn't see it coming, makes her actions all the more cold and heartless.

 

Very well put. She has psychological issues (i.e. feeling important and center of attention) and thinks that I won't be able to get any girl after her and as a result I am obssesed with her (and that I won't leave her alone).

 

I just wanted to put this out there, in a break up forum, hoping a person who is familiar with this situation can help a young man with limited resources. I had to deal with an enourmous pain of a heartache and now this. God help me.

[Sheppy99]

I went through the courts because of an ex and it wasn't pretty for sure. I won't get into it but basically I was the victim of a very unstable girl as well. The absolute best thing you can do is cut all contact completely, that means no emails even apologizing thinking you will deescalate the situation with the law.

 

When I was going through my court BS with my ex, she would literally call the police to tell them I drove by her on the road making herself look absolutely ridiculous. Needless to say, we got to court and it was thrown out completely.

 

I am 99 percent sure you will not have any police knocking at your door my friend. As long as you didn't send her any threatening emails and they were just emails trying to reconcile, she has nothing on you to take this to the next level. Police don't serve restraining orders to upset heart broken boyfriends. They are too busy to worry about your unstable ex gf, trust me. They probably took her complaint and said we will look into it and through it in the trash.

 

At the VERY most you will get is a call from a police officer just wanting to hear your side of the story and he'll just say, just leave her alone and thats about it.

 

Don't stress out too much over this. Again, restraining orders don't get served over sad emails and flowers. If you stop the contact, that makes you look all the more better.

[feldman]

I went through the courts because of an ex and it wasn't pretty for sure. I won't get into it but basically I was the victim of a very unstable girl as well. The absolute best thing you can do is cut all contact completely, that means no emails even apologizing thinking you will deescalate the situation with the law.

 

When I was going through my court BS with my ex, she would literally call the police to tell them I drove by her on the road making herself look absolutely ridiculous. Needless to say, we got to court and it was thrown out completely.

 

I am 99 percent sure you will not have any police knocking at your door my friend. As long as you didn't send her any threatening emails and they were just emails trying to reconcile, she has nothing on you to take this to the next level. Police don't serve restraining orders to upset heart broken boyfriends. They are too busy to worry about your unstable ex gf, trust me. They probably took her complaint and said we will look into it and through it in the trash.

 

At the VERY most you will get is a call from a police officer just wanting to hear your side of the story and he'll just say, just leave her alone and thats about it.

 

Don't stress out too much over this. Again, restraining orders don't get served over sad emails and flowers. If you stop the contact, that makes you look all the more better.

 

 

I am freaking out honestly. Google search on restraining orders in my state made me even more paranoid as it says the courts do not really care about the proof as long as there is a scared girl claiming things. Even worse, they say they can do an ex-parte hearing (without the accuser being present to defend the accusation) and issue an order.

 

Of course I did not threaten her or send her any type of threatening messages. Why would I? It makes no sense. Frankly, I am very curious what was the complain about (i.e. the police report)? I am not sure if it is a good idea to call that police department, though, and ask a copy of the complain. That would make me look like I am indeed obsessed, right? But I want to know what was said about me (and to make sure it is not going to affect my job prospects and career).

 

For the restraining order, I guess I would have to wait and see. My God...

[Trovador]

We are, of course, hearing only your side of the story, but even with the benefit of the doubt, half an hour at her door?

 

That´s stalking, man, and even I, being the ignoramous person I am, know this is considered an offence, specially if it's a man harassing a woman (take in count all the calls you were making)... forget the flicks about a guy waiting outside under the rain for the girl of his dreams so he can ask for forgiveness and a new start... to a real woman, said guy might be a potential killer...

 

The best you can do now is to suck this experience and never, ever, do this again... as for the legal consequences of your acts, you don't gain anything for worrying ahead of time and prolly, by now you should have been served with the restraining papers... sorry, man...

[Sheppy99]

We are, of course, hearing only your side of the story, but even with the benefit of the doubt, half an hour at her door?

 

That´s stalking, man, and even I, being the ignoramous person I am, know this is considered an offence, specially if it's a man harassing a woman (take in count all the calls you were making)... forget the flicks about a guy waiting outside under the rain for the girl of his dreams so he can ask for forgiveness and a new start... to a real woman, said guy might be a potential killer...

 

The best you can do now is to suck this experience and never, ever, do this again... as for the legal consequences of your acts, you don't gain anything for worrying ahead of time and prolly, by now you should have been served with the restraining papers... sorry, man...

 

Yeah I must of over looked the half hour standing outside of her door.

That is a bit much.

 

And I also agree that you would of probably been served by now.

 

My honest opinion is the police told her they will keep it open for now and if he bothers you anymore, they will speak to you. If you haven't had any contact from the police yet, they are in a holding pattern waiting to see if you are going to prove her complaints valid.

 

Ignore her and you will more then likely be able to put this experience behind you without any extra BS.

 

My advice to you is study the no contact theory #1 and #2 don't date girls from broken families.

[feldman]

We are, of course, hearing only your side of the story, but even with the benefit of the doubt, half an hour at her door?

 

That´s stalking, man, and even I, being the ignoramous person I am, know this is considered an offence, specially if it's a man harassing a woman (take in count all the calls you were making)... forget the flicks about a guy waiting outside under the rain for the girl of his dreams so he can ask for forgiveness and a new start... to a real woman, said guy might be a potential killer...

 

The best you can do now is to suck this experience and never, ever, do this again... as for the legal consequences of your acts, you don't gain anything for worrying ahead of time and prolly, by now you should have been served with the restraining papers... sorry, man...

 

I don't think going to the house of your girlfriend (of one year and a half) with roses is stalking. I waited there for a half and hour BEFORE she told me she does not want to see me. Not after. When she called, I got the message, and left. How is this an offense?

[feldman]

Yeah I must of over looked the half hour standing outside of her door.

That is a bit much.

 

And I also agree that you would of probably been served by now.

 

My honest opinion is the police told her they will keep it open for now and if he bothers you anymore, they will speak to you. If you haven't had any contact from the police yet, they are in a holding pattern waiting to see if you are going to prove her complaints valid.

 

Ignore her and you will more then likely be able to put this experience behind you without any extra BS.

 

My advice to you is study the no contact theory #1 and #2 don't date girls from broken families.

 

Let me clarify. I wasn't outside of her door; I was waiting in my car by her apartment - on a public street (I was not at her driveway with my car nor was I waiting right by the door myself, blocking the entrance). Did not even knock at her door. Just messaged her that I was at her door and could she come out as I do not want to bother her roommates. Did not even go there to knock, I was on the street in my car thinking she might be out in the gym or something (note that I had waited for her before like 20-25 minutes before, when she knew I was coming! She was in the shower and the music was loud for her to hear the phone that I had arrived already). Frankly, I do not know it was stalking as this was my first time trying to reconcile after the argument and that I had not talked to her for a week before that and most importantly I was not told "do not contact me again" before.

 

Frankly, this whole thing is a shock to me.

Edited April 6, 2011 by feldman

[Chi townD]

Regardless, you have to be SERVED a restraining order. They have to verbally tell you that you need to stay away (no contact) or else you are in violation of the order. You would have to sign the order after they explain it to you to signify that you understand. If the cops have not come to visit you, then there's no order; however, if you continue to contact her, then there will be. Leave her alone. Go complete NC. I know it's easy to say, but you're better off without her. She's not worth your time. Time to heal and move on.