autumnbethesda Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm in/was in a situation as the OW to a guy with a girlfriend w kids. I myself am married w a child. The Guy is long distance and we have known each other for about a year-but just as aquaintances. The A. Started in November and was immediatly all consu$ing soulmate type crap. Due to his travel and our longdistance, I never asked him if he would leave her-he's said he will never marry her and that he's there out of obligation to the kids ans as he travels so much it avoids all conflict. We saw each other since then and communicated daily, sometimes for hours-we did have times where we'd skip days, mostly due to him. Totally unrelated to Guy, I recently left my husband due to the fact I realized I didn't love him, hadn't in so long, and felt we were a terrible match. Guy has chased me at times when I have tried to ignore him; others he hasn't. This past Friday I realized that he's now the one in a relationship and as I'm separated I owe it to myself to try and move on-that - can't leave one bad situation for another. Guy and I spoke, I was rude but didn't say anything-just grumpy and tired. He sent me a text later asking if I was ok, I said NO. No reply from him-he's now traveling again in another country and I have not contacted him. We've said I love you before. We've discussed seeing eachother this month. But now, he's not reaching out for me and I'm on NC. There's no closure. How do I let go-move on? How do I stop wishing and waiting and hoping for circumstances to change? Why do I keep talking myself out of moving on? Why am I so caught up in the fact I really believe he's my soulmate for so many reasons, when I know all of the foregoing is just typical A. Crap? Any advice on how to get over this heartbreak when there was never any end or closure, just ackward silence? Any advice on how to just STOP and be?
BB07 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm in/was in a situation as the OW to a guy with a girlfriend w kids. I myself am married w a child. The Guy is long distance and we have known each other for about a year-but just as aquaintances. The A. Started in November and was immediatly all consu$ing soulmate type crap. Due to his travel and our longdistance, I never asked him if he would leave her-he's said he will never marry her and that he's there out of obligation to the kids ans as he travels so much it avoids all conflict. We saw each other since then and communicated daily, sometimes for hours-we did have times where we'd skip days, mostly due to him. Totally unrelated to Guy, I recently left my husband due to the fact I realized I didn't love him, hadn't in so long, and felt we were a terrible match. Guy has chased me at times when I have tried to ignore him; others he hasn't. This past Friday I realized that he's now the one in a relationship and as I'm separated I owe it to myself to try and move on-that - can't leave one bad situation for another. Guy and I spoke, I was rude but didn't say anything-just grumpy and tired. He sent me a text later asking if I was ok, I said NO. No reply from him-he's now traveling again in another country and I have not contacted him. We've said I love you before. We've discussed seeing eachother this month. But now, he's not reaching out for me and I'm on NC. There's no closure. How do I let go-move on? How do I stop wishing and waiting and hoping for circumstances to change? Why do I keep talking myself out of moving on? Why am I so caught up in the fact I really believe he's my soulmate for so many reasons, when I know all of the foregoing is just typical A. Crap? Any advice on how to get over this heartbreak when there was never any end or closure, just ackward silence? Any advice on how to just STOP and be? You said it yourself.........it's just typical affair crap. Gawd......if I hear one more time today that "I'm just staying for the kids", I'm going to lay my head down on the desk and beat it to a bloody pulp.........ha ha. Anyway.........no one can give you closure, it's something you have to come to yourself. Yes it sucks........but that is the way it is and if you keep going back and forth, no closure = no resolution, just more of the same ole, same ole.
East7 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 First of all, congrats for having taken a brave decision and not stay cake-eating. Most MM/MW don't leave even when they are not happy with their M. I'm not saying that hurting your H was a good thing but a triangle relationship is just too painful for everyone involved. At least he can find someone else who will love him. The guy has got cold feet now that you are available for him, he is obviously staying distant. My advice for the R with the other guy would be to set your goals now ! If you stay in limbo nothing will ever change. Put an ultimatum, he has to be with you or not with you, no middle way. If not successful, move on with your new life.
Author autumnbethesda Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thank you both-i recognize cold feet and him being distant for a reason. The fact is that, this might have to be all the closure I get-that he isn't contacting me means that he's done, for whatever reason that may be. I will not break the NC, too proud. So, how do I move on and let go of the fact that I love him (whther or not that's A crap and not real) and that I am used to things having an End? How do I get over him and move on?? Any advice?
Heart On Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Your choice to end this for your own sake should be enough closure,no? I think "closure" is an illusion of controlling an ending.There is no controlling someone else,only your own reaction to thier choices. He made his choice and forced your choice and it's over. Sort of the same thing you did within your marriage. Moving on means healing your own issues that lead you to settle for someone unwilling to commit to you or his girlfriend. Did you find closure with your stbxh? Did you even need it to move on? Things end against our will and there is no changing that fact. I think you are much better off without "guy"!
ladydesigner Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Your choice to end this for your own sake should be enough closure,no? I think "closure" is an illusion of controlling an ending.There is no controlling someone else,only your own reaction to thier choices. He made his choice and forced your choice and it's over. Sort of the same thing you did within your marriage. Moving on means healing your own issues that lead you to settle for someone unwilling to commit to you or his girlfriend. Did you find closure with your stbxh? Did you even need it to move on? Things end against our will and there is no changing that fact. I think you are much better off without "guy"! What a great post!!! This is exactly my thinking on closure too. It comes from within yourself not from the other person. Many times even when you do get "closure" from the other person it still isn't enough. Run fast and far from this guy. You deserve more than this.
thomasb Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Your choice to end this for your own sake should be enough closure,no? I think "closure" is an illusion of controlling an ending.There is no controlling someone else,only your own reaction to thier choices. He made his choice and forced your choice and it's over. Sort of the same thing you did within your marriage. Moving on means healing your own issues that lead you to settle for someone unwilling to commit to you or his girlfriend. Did you find closure with your stbxh? Did you even need it to move on? Things end against our will and there is no changing that fact. I think you are much better off without "guy"! I agree with LD. Great post and very true. I don't think anyone responds well to having someone end a relationship. Closure is a gift you allow yourself.
Author autumnbethesda Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thanks everyone. I'm still stuck however. I got a message from Guy today, asking how I am and relaying how mad busy he's been with travel blah blah blah. Is it worth telling him how I feel (being that he is completely oblivious) or staying silent - I didn't respond as of yet and will maintain NC until I figure out how i feel/what I want to do. On the one hand, telling him how I feel and having him be able to relay that he's fine with the way things are, allows us to give a proper end. On the other hand, there could just be a reopening. And finally, there could be no response. If 2 out of 3 are and end, then perhaps the NC is just the ending? Or will that lead to my continued feeling of loss and lack of closure for myself? Keep in mind that we will see each other again one day. That part is certain.
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