ashellofme Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 its been 21 years . ive been in love with one woman for 21 years . i met her in high school we dated she was my first everything. she managed to break my heart twice in that time. i joined the millitary. come home for a break and there she is again. the same feelings i go overseas and 1 month befor im back BAM!!! crushing pain! not good for a guy in the middle of the oscean. we both move on or so i thought, yes thoghts of her still went into my mind but ill admit she moved on to someone with more money and a brighter future , i did the same but still the thoughts. damn myspace i get a message 8 years ago its her . shes unhappy i had been very unhappy next thing you know its back all the love ive had for her is back, one problem at the time she had just got pregnant. didnt matter to me i love her. the baby comes and i just couldnt get in the way. 4 years ago myspace again and right back into it well she gets caught. she chose him instead of me, im seeing a pattern in her actions now, well im figuring that was it my heart hurt for so long, it still brought tears to my eyes. well 1 year and 1 month and 4 days ago there it is again myspace. I almost yelled and did a happy dance. its still there and we are both in the places in our life to finaly give it a chance. i may have neglected to say this we are almost 1000 miles apart, anyway multiple trips she moves on with her divors faster because of the laws in her state and those in mine. next thing you know shes enjoying her single life she still loves me but she wants to explore her new self. ive already set up a new job and place to live but im so mad i dont want to show her how absolutly horrible this is for me. i havent slept in what seems like weeks. ive lost almost 20 pounds . shes all i think about. well i come to find out shes not "seriouse" with a new guy but that she wont wait 23 days for me to get out there and start for real. im not expressing myself very well and im sorry. i just need to get this out. why do i love her? why cant i stop? Ive been crushed so many times by her but i cant seem to get mad. I still see my forever with her. what do you do when there your soulmate but your not theres?
whatdoido1717 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I am only 26 years old so I have no sage advice that I can send your way. All I can say is that I can sympathize with your pain. The pain you are in, after 21 years, I can only imagine after comparing it to the pain I am in after something that didn't last nearly that long. I am sorry you are in this situation. Stick around this website though for sure. There are COPIOUS amounts of people that will listen and give you better advice than this, for sure. It also helps a little to read other people's issues, at least you will know you are not alone. I know that is not much comfort, but there is a real support system here and people are here to help, so you have at least come to the right place. I hope the best for your situation and your happiness. I am around if you just need to get more off your chest, I can't give great advice, but I am willing to listen. Good luck my friend, Zach
Fufu Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Some people come and go in our lives, no matter how heart wrenching it is, we still have to be face the reality they chose to leave. Perhaps it's time to do something that is for yourself, and no longer for her and/or involving her. To me, it's nothing wrong (really) nothing wrong to love our ex, however, our love for them cannot turn toxic and unhealthy for ourselves. I hope you have began your NC for yourself to move on from this pain, it's not worth staying in pain for too long. Grieve enough and start to do things for yourself, focus on yourself. It takes a while to change the habit, but as long as you give it all your heart, you can do it. That's the power of being positive.
Author ashellofme Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 thank you. this is a pain that unfirtunatly she has caused befor. the messed up thing is that its almost a drug to me. it hurts but here i am up at 1030 at night hoping that she at least says hi to me on facebook
whatdoido1717 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I have noticed that FuFu has given great advice around here and is a very compassionate person. Thanks for being around Fufu! If you have time to read the novel and the posts after that I wrote (the gotta be honest thread) would love more of your thoughts. (Didn't mean to make that about me, SORRY, won't happen again, we are all in this together!)
whatdoido1717 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 thank you. this is a pain that unfirtunatly she has caused befor. the messed up thing is that its almost a drug to me. it hurts but here i am up at 1030 at night hoping that she at least says hi to me on facebook I feel you. I wish my phone would chime with a text message from my ex, even just to know she is thinking about me, it hurts. I doubt mine ever will though.
Sheppy99 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 To me honestly and I don't mean this to sound heartless but it's almost like she gets off on the power she has over you. You are her self esteem boost when she needs it. Think about it. To have a person wait for you after 8 years and be ready to welcome you with open arms even after they've stepped all over you multiple times? That is a self esteem boost of massive proportions. That would make her think she's the greatest catch in the world to have a guy going to those extremes for her. You need to cut her loose in my honest opinion. She sounds like she has some issues and the manipulation that's shes doing to you proves it. For your sake, I hope you find someone someday that you love as much as her and who will appreciate those feelings and not use it for their own personal gain.
orangelady Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 what do you do when there your soulmate but your not theres? Not everyone who you think is a soulmate to you should feel the same way about you. Forget them and move on. Find someone else.
Author ashellofme Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 i know that i deserve to have someone love me as much as i love them. ive just thought for so long that it was her and that she was my forever girl. she still could be but i feel that if I dont engage her this new guy is going to take her and ill have rolled over and let everything go yet again
Sake Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) I think its incredible when people talk about time in terms of decades...I'm only turning 20 and have had only 2 relationships..one of which was a real one lasting three years and I consider that to be everything I know about love and life...I felt so lost when it ended and I still do sometimes but the feeling passes after awhile..I'm sure this feeling will soon pass because what I've learned about women in the past few months is that if a woman ever wants to leave, you just have to let them leave and let them figure it out for themselves because there really is no other way. 21 years is a long time and to me it just sounds like an impulsive decision from her unless its been something shes been doing behind your back... My honest advice...Let her go, don't forget about her or even try to because that is impossible but look at it differently..she was your first and you were hers(?) now theres a world of opportunity out there for you, never show weakness and always remain confident that everything will work out fine because in the end they always do. You never know, one day it may come crashing down on her but don't hold onto that idea, just write her off as experience and move on emotionally. Apathy is the opposite of love! P.S shes stringing you along and playing with your emotions. she's doing it because it seems to be in her nature and while females seeking suitable mates is a perfectly normal thing to do, her method of choice seems to be testing different guys at once so she can leave and come back whenever she wants...shes not worth it bro. Edited April 6, 2011 by Sake
Sheppy99 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 i know that i deserve to have someone love me as much as i love them. ive just thought for so long that it was her and that she was my forever girl. she still could be but i feel that if I dont engage her this new guy is going to take her and ill have rolled over and let everything go yet again You'll never be able to see the clarity of the situation until you're over her. How she is treating you has nothing to do with you, it's her own issues inside of her. Do you really think putting a ring on her finger is going to stop her from acting so darn flaky? It's just a ring, not a personality make over. I think being married to a girl like that would be hell. All the guys in her life seem to have an expiration date on them. If you want to convince yourself that you are different, that is fine but according to your past with her, I don't think that's the case. That girl will be bouncing from one guy to the next for the rest of her life to try and fill whatever empty void she has inside of her. Until she fixes herself, you are just going to be cannon fodder.
Author ashellofme Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 the realy messed up thing is you guys are right and i know that. i should be furiose over this . i should have unloaded on her with both barrels , but i cant bring myself to hurt her. it sounds so lame and cliched but i care about her happyness, i just want her to be happy in a house full of cats lol. i will get to see her one, possibly last, time. im not going to let her off the hook on e-mail or on the phone. shes going to have to woman up and face me. I deserve that.
Sheppy99 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I think you should sit down with her and have a serious conversation of #1 how you feel about her and #2 you either want all of her or none of her for good and she needs to make that decision now. There isn't going to be no 2,4 or 6 year down the road reconciliations so she can get a boost in the arm of self esteem. If she can't commit to you 100 percent, you are moving on for good, not playing second fiddle in the background of her life for the next 20 years. She may not like the ultimatum and that is fine, she obviously considers herself to be the center of the universe and that everybody should bow down to her. But stick to your ultimatum and don't allow her to leech off of your life until she's ready to make a real decision. After the ultimatum is given, go 100 percent no contact and let her think about it. If she really cares about you and wants to be with you, it'll happen. Knowing your feelings should be enough. I don't think she's ever really felt concern about you not being at her beck and call. Make her feel that concern for once in her life.
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