Why Wont She Give Up?

[zengirl]

She's been playing games with him - flirting, feigning attraction, changing between 'friends' and being professional, looking for his business, using him as an emotional crutch etc.

 

Is it life or death? obviously not, but these are the types of behaviour that really piss guys off and why he started the thread to begin with.

 

I've seen no evidence she flirted or feigned attraction at any point in any of his threads (he thought she had, sure, but he thinks her communicating with him = flirting, even though she was openly speaking about other men she was dating/old boyfriends; I find this unlikely to be true and think he needs to adjust his radar a bit and chalk this one up to experience). You can be professional and be friends at the same time. Friends (especially effusive women, like this one) share emotions; to some people that feels like an "emotional crutch" I guess. At no point, did the OP assert a boundary (actually STATE it) and have that boundary ignored by the trainer yet. When that happens, I'll agree her behavior is bad.

 

The only person to assert a boundary here was her. She said no to romance. She has not pursued romance or done anything contrary to that boundary. The OP may not like that boundary, and he may not like some of the other behaviors (her having emotional talks with him, etc) but unless he asserts that, he cannot expect her to read minds.

 

Note: Her boundaries are not MINE. I am not effusive or one who shares emotions with new friends. Some people do. They are not "playing games" just because they do (some are, to be sure, but I see no evidence that shows me she conclusively is a game-player here). They simply have different boundaries. This woman would annoy the crap out of me. But I still don't see what she's done that's "wrong."

 

It's the OP who needs to assert his boundaries (whatever they may be) and accept hers (no romance). Until then, all I see is a guy pissed off that some lady won't go out with him but deigns to talk to him anyway --- the nerve of her!

[tincanman99]

Could this be a case of the trainer not knowing 100% what she wants? We answer questions like this as if the other person is 100% sure of their feelings and has some kind of an agenda... a devious master plan (about to come to fruition bwaa hahahahahahah!)

 

I think the trainer keeps on keeping on because she is both mildly attracted to you and wants the money. The fact that it's so little money could mean that on some level she enjoys your company. Not enough to leave her BF or make any such changes...just enough to make her try a little harder than she otherwise would.

 

I mean your an in shape guy right? At least a healthy BMI? That would put you ahead of a alarming number of men right there. (Consider how many Americans are Obese.)

 

I could be horribly wrong though.

 

You may be right, she doesnt know what she wants. She does love talking to me. Talks to me for an hour at a time sometimes.

 

Yeah I am a pretty fit guy actually. My BMI is right where it should be. I am 6ft, 210lbs, 48" chest with a 36" waist. Of course I want to be more fit and leaner and thats why I use a trainer. A trainer forces you to focus. In 2008/2009 I dropped 45lbs with my first trainer which was a woman.

 

I never had these problems with her because though we were friendly she never did anything like this. In time we became very good friends and I became the godfather of her daughter. Her husband is a good friend of mine as well.

 

I am not quite the idiot savant that people would like to believe. I know the difference between when a woman likes you versus when she doesnt. A woman that doesnt like you doesnt send emails telling you that you made her smile, she loves talking to you, she cant wait to see you again, blah, blah.

 

Her body language was totally on.

 

Could it all have been fake? Maybe. If it was fake than I couldnt tell.

 

I agree though, the $$ is insignificant. I figured she would have kicked me to the curb after I asked her out.

 

Who knows at this point....

[NXS]

I've seen no evidence she flirted or feigned attraction at any point in any of his threads (he thought she had, sure, but he thinks her communicating with him = flirting, even though she was openly speaking about other men she was dating/old boyfriends;

 

 

If you read the first thread he says she was flirting with him long before she started talking about other men and she talked negatively about her ex. Now flirting and talking negatively about ex boyfriends is feigning attraction in my book. He's there for a workout so why does she feel the need to flirt and discuss relationships? Also discussing the new boyfriend could easily be misinterpreted as a push to get him to ask her out. He's there for a workout, she flirts and discusses relationships now what conclusion can be drawn from that?

 

I find this unlikely to be true and think he needs to adjust his radar a bit and chalk this one up to experience). You can be professional and be friends at the same time. Friends (especially effusive women, like this one) share emotions; to some people that feels like an "emotional crutch" I guess. At no point, did the OP assert a boundary (actually STATE it) and have that boundary ignored by the trainer yet. When that happens, I'll agree her behavior is bad.

 

Yes he should obviously adjust his radar: flirting + discussing relationships + wanting to know about your life = professional relationship. Ok, now we get it. I'll remember that the next time I want a "professional relationship" with a woman.

 

The only person to assert a boundary here was her. She said no to romance. She has not pursued romance or done anything contrary to that boundary. The OP may not like that boundary, and he may not like some of the other behaviors (her having emotional talks with him, etc) but unless he asserts that, he cannot expect her to read minds.

 

She hasn't asserted A boundary, she's moved the boundaries (stated and implied) around to suit whatever she feels will get her what she wants. One minute the boundary is professional, the next it's friends, the next it's flirting. She has no boundaries, she's just a manipulator.

 

Note: Her boundaries are not MINE. I am not effusive or one who shares emotions with new friends. Some people do. They are not "playing games" just because they do (some are, to be sure, but I see no evidence that shows me she conclusively is a game-player here). They simply have different boundaries. This woman would annoy the crap out of me. But I still don't see what she's done that's "wrong."

 

He says initially she went from flirting, to cold and again to flirting a couple of weeks later. Does this sound like someone who's 'effusive' as you put it?

 

It's the OP who needs to assert his boundaries (whatever they may be) and accept hers (no romance). Until then, all I see is a guy pissed off that some lady won't go out with him but deigns to talk to him anyway --- the nerve of her!

 

Yes, the nerve of her, to try and manipulate him to telling her what's going on in his life. Is she some kind of self-appointed agony aunt? Why must he tell her what's going on in his life while in the preceeding sentence she demands a professional relationship? And btw what is this professional relationship or is it whatever she deems it to be?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I am not quite the idiot savant that people would like to believe. I know the difference between when a woman likes you versus when she doesnt. A woman that doesnt like you doesnt send emails telling you that you made her smile, she loves talking to you, she cant wait to see you again, blah, blah.

 

yet you are unsure about the mixed signals and keep on analyzing why won't she give up.

 

choose the direction that suits you:

 

- ignore her completely and be free of her mindf*cking ways. she will give up if she sees you are firm with your boundaries.

 

- stop reading into her actions and continue to be friends in a professional level. she might still try to occasionally mindf*ck you and you go back to being confused if you let her.

 

- mindf*ck her back! give her mixed signals like she does. ignore her advances in person and send flirty messages to confuse her. don't pay her a cent and in the end she would be so confused if she's after the $$$ or after your attention.

[zengirl]

If you read the first thread he says she was flirting with him long before she started talking about other men and she talked negatively about her ex.

 

Yes, but his idea of flirting seems to be a woman being nice to him.

 

Now flirting and talking negatively about ex boyfriends is feigning attraction in my book. He's there for a workout so why does she feel the need to flirt and discuss relationships? Also discussing the new boyfriend could easily be misinterpreted as a push to get him to ask her out. He's there for a workout, she flirts and discusses relationships now what conclusion can be drawn from that?

 

I saw no conclusion that she was flirting and several things I pointed out --- in that thread --- that led me to believe she didn't view him as a potential romantic interest/person to flirt with at all. Perhaps he misread the signals.

 

The two seemed to have a friendship going, where he was hiding his feelings and mis-reading hers. He finally asked her out -- should've done it sooner -- and she said no. She clearly said NO, per his post there. She then continued all friendly and professional contact. These are her boundaries. If they don't suit the OP (which is fine, and it seems they don't), he should assert his OWN boundaries. The end.

 

She hasn't asserted A boundary, she's moved the boundaries (stated and implied) around to suit whatever she feels will get her what she wants. One minute the boundary is professional, the next it's friends, the next it's flirting. She has no boundaries, she's just a manipulator.

 

I've seen no evidence of flirting/romance from her end. You can be friends and professional at the same time. She could be manipulative and attention-seeking; I don't have enough data to know. I think it's flawed to assume she is, especially since the OP is hurting from rejection and not clearly asserting his own boundaries in the situation.

 

In my view: He cannot get angry at her for acting AS SHE DID before when they weren't going out just because he knows now that she's not romantically interested because he hasn't asserted a boundary to the contrary. He was acting based on an assumption, she's now asserted is incorrect (romantic interest); he needs to assert his proper boundaries now that she's said she's not romantically inclined. There's no reason to expect she'd stop contacting him just because she turned him down, especially if she never had romantic interest in him in the first place. Her goals haven;t changed. His have.

[NXS]

Yes, but his idea of flirting seems to be a woman being nice to him.

 

How could you possibly deduce that from his post?

 

I saw no conclusion that she was flirting and several things I pointed out --- in that thread --- that led me to believe she didn't view him as a potential romantic interest/person to flirt with at all. Perhaps he misread the signals.

 

The two seemed to have a friendship going, where he was hiding his feelings and mis-reading hers. He finally asked her out -- should've done it sooner -- and she said no. She clearly said NO, per his post there. She then continued all friendly and professional contact. These are her boundaries. If they don't suit the OP (which is fine, and it seems they don't), he should assert his OWN boundaries. The end.

 

I already suggested to the OP that he define the boundaries and stop being manipulated.

 

I've seen no evidence of flirting/romance from her end. You can be friends and professional at the same time. She could be manipulative and attention-seeking; I don't have enough data to know. I think it's flawed to assume she is, especially since the OP is hurting from rejection and not clearly asserting his own boundaries in the situation.

 

The OP said she was flirting. Now I, along with possibly every man I know, would take that as acting in a way to suggest or fake romantic/sexual attention. This would include: body language/gestures/eye contact/smiling/physical touching/subtle hints/moving into personal space etc or a combination of same. Now what data do you suggest the OP provides to substantiate his claim? time/date stamped CCTV footage? statements under oath from impartial witnessess?

 

For me, and I assume most men on this forum, flirting means some combination of the above. So when he says she was flirting with him I take it this is what he means and haven't heard anything to suggest otherwise. It's also the experience of most men that women fake these signals in order to manipulate men for money/attention or power. This is not 'professional' nor is it being a friend.

 

In my view: He cannot get angry at her for acting AS SHE DID before when they weren't going out just because he knows now that she's not romantically interested because he hasn't asserted a boundary to the contrary.

 

For a start he is entitled to feel any way he wants about the situation, if he feels he has been misled, and it looks to me like he has, then he's quite entitled to get angry. If he wants to use that anger to now set a boundary or fire her then that's his perogative. If he decides that the next time a woman uses similar tactics then he can tell them to get lost. That's what I do and it works out well for me. I also know quite a lot of other men who are simply fed up with this kind of attention whoring behaviour in women.