tincanman99 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You guys saw my thread about the trainer. All your feedback was very appreciated. I enjoyed the comment about being autistic, that was a nice touch . I have to remember that for the future. I got this email from her yesterday. What is the point of this. Its like a train wreck you cant stop watching. I cut her off on Friday and have not spoken to her since. I accept she is not interested. But why does she care? Is it the $$ (I am paying $20/session which is nothing and she easily makes like $70K - she is just organizing my workouts, not actually training me), ego, attention, insecurity, control? Anyone want to explain? ================ Good Morning! I was really worried on Friday, because I sent you a text and a e-mail and kept getting the messages bumped back to me. I honestly wasn't sure what was going on. Yes, I was embarrassed, but also flattered, and put on the spot, but you did not offend me. I appreciate your honesty, but at this time I would like to keep things on a professional level. I hope that you respect my need for a professional relationship. Since we are friends, you have to fill me in a little more about what is going on in your life. You can open to me, its not fair to not tell me what is going on. If you don't feel comfortable telling me I understand, but please know I'm here if you need to talk. If you want, I can still coordinate your training. Its up to you. No pressure. No need to re-send the other e-mail, because I basically wanted to say what I said in the beginning of this e-mail. I hope to see you at the gym this week and we'll talk soon.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She may just want to ensure that you two really are still on good terms. You know... if she see's you in the gym you'll still be friendly and casual.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 LOL she's grasping at straws hoping to lure you back to her. operative words in her e-mail -- professional and coordinate your training ego and attention might be only secondary to her agenda. just continue to ignore her and you don't owe her any explanation. i think what your trainer was right with her initial advice.
zengirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She's an effusive girl who feels things went badly, she wants to make sure things are okay, and she doesn't like being ignored. A little annoying, but not exactly unexpected if you asked her out and then decided to never speak to her again (Your behavior isn't exactly kosher/normal either) because you were angry she said no after you pretended to be her friend for weeks. It's all very awkward. Did you tell her you didn't want her emailing? That would seem more productive. (If you told her and she wrote this, then she's just nuts.) On your part, I'd suggest a "Hey, I was interested romantically, but I have no interest in being friends. I'm not mad -- just don't want to trade emails" note. On her part, I'd say she could get the hint better, but effusive people tend to pull out all the stops when they feel uneasy about a situation.
Author tincanman99 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 She's an effusive girl who feels things went badly, she wants to make sure things are okay, and she doesn't like being ignored. A little annoying, but not exactly unexpected if you asked her out and then decided to never speak to her again (Your behavior isn't exactly kosher/normal either) because you were angry she said no after you pretended to be her friend for weeks. It's all very awkward. Did you tell her you didn't want her emailing? That would seem more productive. (If you told her and she wrote this, then she's just nuts.) On your part, I'd suggest a "Hey, I was interested romantically, but I have no interest in being friends. I'm not mad -- just don't want to trade emails" note. On her part, I'd say she could get the hint better, but effusive people tend to pull out all the stops when they feel uneasy about a situation. I learned a new word tonight - effusive . Yes, she is effusive . I am her friend. I never pretended to be her friend. Yes I wanted to date her but she is my friend as well. All the women I have ever dated were my friends prior to dating them. I am a good friend as I take care of the people I care about. BTW, with most men if they ask a woman out and she says no tend to ignore her afterwords. Its fairly common. Most women seem to know this and dont care because they want you to leave them alone . I am debating what I should do - cut the ties totally or just be her friend or should say can I be her friend again? Most guys would tell me to cut her loose and never speak to her again. I dont know if it needs to be that drastic. I think I would be fine being friends with her as long as she does not discuss dating/sex/men with me.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I learned a new word tonight - effusive . Yes, she is effusive . I am her friend. I never pretended to be her friend. Yes I wanted to date her but she is my friend as well. All the women I have ever dated were my friends prior to dating them. I am a good friend as I take care of the people I care about. BTW, with most men if they ask a woman out and she says no tend to ignore her afterwords. Its fairly common. Most women seem to know this and dont care because they want you to leave them alone . I am debating what I should do - cut the ties totally or just be her friend or should say can I be her friend again? Most guys would tell me to cut her loose and never speak to her again. I dont know if it needs to be that drastic. I think I would be fine being friends with her as long as she does not discuss dating/sex/men with me. If your gym is the place you go to everyday then I suggest you remain on friendly terms with this girl; or at least be cordial where cordiality is due. This girl is not dumb, but she's certainly playing the dense person here. If anything, be friendly, but do not feed her ego. She can get that from the other gym goers.
zengirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I am her friend. I never pretended to be her friend. Yes I wanted to date her but she is my friend as well. All the women I have ever dated were my friends prior to dating them. I am a good friend as I take care of the people I care about. No, if you're only her friend if she agrees to go out with you (romantically) when you ask, you are not her friend. Friendship cannot be contingent on romance or it's not actually friendship. Friends don't all of the sudden stop returning your emails because they were rejected romantically. BTW, with most men if they ask a woman out and she says no tend to ignore her afterwords. Its fairly common. Most women seem to know this and dont care because they want you to leave them alone . I would be surprised if one of my friends asked me out and then ignored me afterwards. I would assume we'd at least talk about the situation. Though I wouldn't try to track them down like this woman. I'd try once to reach out and discuss it (we probably still wouldn't be able to be friends, unless we had been friends for years, but I'd at least want to leave it nicely) but if rebuffed think, "Oh, well, kind of a jerk" since he clearly never cared for me on a human/friendship level anyway if he'd ignore me just because I rebuffed romantic advances. I am debating what I should do - cut the ties totally or just be her friend or should say can I be her friend again? You should do what you want to do. But without any romantic notions. Telling her that you want her to stop writing, if you do, just makes sense to me. Most guys would tell me to cut her loose and never speak to her again. I dont know if it needs to be that drastic. I think I would be fine being friends with her as long as she does not discuss dating/sex/men with me. Under those circumstances, I would recommend not being friends but simply being friendly when you see her (i.e. no need to be angry or weird if you see her, make some smalltalk, etc, but you don't really want to be friends with her).
Mrlonelyone Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 What Zengirl has said. You just need to be on friendly terms with her. Otherwise being at that place will be miserable. So respond to her in a friendly but not too friendly way. While your there in the gym be friendly or a gym only friend to her, nothing more. There is no need for this to be akward just consider this a learning and maturing experience.
Ross PK Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She's now giving you the friend routine ('oh, you can open up to me, are things okay in your life right now? blah ****ing blah') now she knows pretending to fancy you wont work. It's all about the green homie.
curlygirl40 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 ================ Since we are friends, you have to fill me in a little more about what is going on in your life. You can open to me, its not fair to not tell me what is going on. If you don't feel comfortable telling me I understand, but please know I'm here if you need to talk. QUOTE] I admit I read your other thread but not the whole thing. But this is the part of her e-mail that made me think wth. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but this is what I hear. You HAVE to fill me in a little more. It's NOT fair to not tell me what is going on. Why does she think you owe her this?? Yes friends will do this, but just because you guys said (or implied?) that you'll be friends, these things are earned (filling each other in on your lives) not demanded. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. But that's my take. She's wacky. Probably likes the attention and doesn't want to lose your attention but doesn't want a relationship with you, but still wants your business. A cake eater. In the gym. lol
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Come on tincanman, think with the brain in your head, not your ego or the little brain in your short pants. She hasn't made it to $70K/annum as a trainer by being a shy miss. She defined your relationship as platonic and professional, wants your business and wants to reduce the drama. Net effect, you macked and lost. Now stop playing with yourself. Either you feel she would make a good personal trainer or not. Decide which one and go with it.
NXS Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 No, if you're only her friend if she agrees to go out with you (romantically) when you ask, you are not her friend. Friendship cannot be contingent on romance or it's not actually friendship. Friends don't all of the sudden stop returning your emails because they were rejected romantically. Friends don't come up with bs excuses about being 'professional' and not dating while doing the exact opposite with another gym member. If she's not interested in him then she should've just said it instead of coming up with this blatant lie. Also in this email she talks about being professional while also wanting him to tell her everything??? She's not his friend, I doubt if she even knows how to be a friend.
MrNate Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Come on tincanman, think with the brain in your head, not your ego or the little brain in your short pants. She hasn't made it to $70K/annum as a trainer by being a shy miss. She defined your relationship as platonic and professional, wants your business and wants to reduce the drama. Net effect, you macked and lost. Now stop playing with yourself. Either you feel she would make a good personal trainer or not. Decide which one and go with it. This is real talk.
Author tincanman99 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 This is why I was confused. You tell me you want professional but still want to share personal stuff with me. That doesnt sound professional to me. Regardless I decided the best tact was to be friendly but not too friendly. If I see her I say hi and if she wants to make small talk thats fine. I dont want to hear personal details about your dating life or any of that other stuff.
threebyfate Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Then define your boundaries in a ballsy way. "Hey girlFriend, If we were dating, you'd for sure get more insight into me. But since we're not, let's keep it professional and mildly friendly. I'm cool with that. ;)" And if she pushes for a closer friendship, tell her it's none of her business.
Imajerk17 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Seems to me you're reading way too much into things, tincanman. Set up your next appointment and just behave as if nothing happened. Never let'em see you sweat.
NXS Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 This is why I was confused. You tell me you want professional but still want to share personal stuff with me. That doesnt sound professional to me. Regardless I decided the best tact was to be friendly but not too friendly. If I see her I say hi and if she wants to make small talk thats fine. I dont want to hear personal details about your dating life or any of that other stuff. She wants to switch between a professional and emotional relationship when it suits HER. Don't let her do this, you set the boundaries and treat it as a professional relationship. Expect high standards and value for money, if' she's not up to the job then fire her for another trainer.
zengirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 But this is the part of her e-mail that made me think wth. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but this is what I hear. You HAVE to fill me in a little more. It's NOT fair to not tell me what is going on. Why does she think you owe her this?? Yes friends will do this, but just because you guys said (or implied?) that you'll be friends, these things are earned (filling each other in on your lives) not demanded. I agree it's oddly worded, but I took it to mean that if they were friends, he owed it to her to return her emails and at least address why he was ignoring her -- which I agree with. The truth is THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE NOT FRIENDS. One of them should say that; since it's fully possible she wants to be friends (I have no idea -- she's not said anything contrary), I'd suggest it be the OP since he does not want it. Friends don't come up with bs excuses about being 'professional' and not dating while doing the exact opposite with another gym member. If she's not interested in him then she should've just said it instead of coming up with this blatant lie. Also in this email she talks about being professional while also wanting him to tell her everything??? She's not his friend, I doubt if she even knows how to be a friend. I didn't see it as a BS excuse. I didn't think she was implying if he was not a gym member, she'd date him. I thought she simply professed a lack of interest in anything romantic.
NXS Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I didn't see it as a BS excuse. I didn't think she was implying if he was not a gym member, she'd date him. I thought she simply professed a lack of interest in anything romantic. Well I guess that's open to interpretation depending on what she said, however she wasn't acting in a professional manner prior to that when she was flirting with him and her email states: "I hope that you respect my need for a professional relationship. Since we are friends, you have to fill me in a little more about what is going on in your life. You can open to me, its not fair to not tell me what is going on."
Star Gazer Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 She has a "need for a professional relationship," but yet also wants to be your friend?
zengirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Well I guess that's open to interpretation depending on what she said, however she wasn't acting in a professional manner prior to that when she was flirting with him and her email states: "I hope that you respect my need for a professional relationship. Since we are friends, you have to fill me in a little more about what is going on in your life. You can open to me, its not fair to not tell me what is going on." I'm going off how she rejected him initially in his original thread, in addition to what is said in this one. They were already friends, and she was talking about her emotional headspace/other guys she dated/seeing him in the gym for a few weeks. I think both these people (the OP and the girl) are blowing this way out of proportion. They are simply people who want 2 different things from each other, neither of them sinister, but at cross purposes to where the two connections become toxic with so much "hiding" in the relationship.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Could this be a case of the trainer not knowing 100% what she wants? We answer questions like this as if the other person is 100% sure of their feelings and has some kind of an agenda... a devious master plan (about to come to fruition bwaa hahahahahahah!) I think the trainer keeps on keeping on because she is both mildly attracted to you and wants the money. The fact that it's so little money could mean that on some level she enjoys your company. Not enough to leave her BF or make any such changes...just enough to make her try a little harder than she otherwise would. I mean your an in shape guy right? At least a healthy BMI? That would put you ahead of a alarming number of men right there. (Consider how many Americans are Obese.) I could be horribly wrong though.
NXS Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I'm going off how she rejected him initially in his original thread, in addition to what is said in this one. They were already friends, and she was talking about her emotional headspace/other guys she dated/seeing him in the gym for a few weeks. I think both these people (the OP and the girl) are blowing this way out of proportion. They are simply people who want 2 different things from each other, neither of them sinister, but at cross purposes to where the two connections become toxic with so much "hiding" in the relationship. She's been playing games with him - flirting, feigning attraction, changing between 'friends' and being professional, looking for his business, using him as an emotional crutch etc. Is it life or death? obviously not, but these are the types of behaviour that really piss guys off and why he started the thread to begin with.
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