He left

[26pointblue]

This shows your character more than anything else, pointblue! I am glad to know you. I totally see this as the strength of your forgiveness. And yes, your analytical mind is really fine, and it is helping you in this. It's good you got closure too today, and now you can know that he didn't mean to be evil, he is at the present time incapable of giving more. And you, knowing your own worth, just chose you, that's all.

 

Let the pain in. It is not as scary as we all make it out to be. IME allowing the pain fully really propels the greatest healing. When we run away from it, we end up postponing the inevitable and are only torturing ourselves in the meantime.

 

Hugs!!!

 

I agree. I think last time I broke it off I didn't really allow myself to feel the pain. I tried to escape it & looking everywhere else - I went out too much, drank too much, wasted time on too many guys I didn't even like, all the while telling myself I don't know what I'm doing, my life is topsy turvy & I don't want a relationship. Well I have a better idea of what I'm doing now & now I want. At least I know it isn't being MM's OW [which I wasn't sure about before & obviously went back to]! I want to work on myself & feel the pain as you say & let it heal, & then I do want to be in a good relationship & I won't settle for anything less.

 

It's easy to forgive myself & him because I don't know if I could have gotten to this point if I hadn't gone back & gave it one more real chance. I felt this gaping emptiness, like there was something I left incomplete, something more I could have done. I feel sorry for helping with the destruction of his family but I know now that I gave it my all, that it came to this - to his true chance to choose me & go forward - & he couldn't do it, so I now know I don't ever want to go back there & I want to move on & be happy on my own, & then with the right person, & I should just stop thinking it's going to be him. I'm not totally ruling that possibility out but I highly doubt it would ever happen. It's like you said earlier, that by closing a door to what we really want, we open the door to what we really need.

 

I need to just love myself & know that I deserve a full relationship w/ an honest, whole guy - not a half relationship with a dishonest, broken guy. And I do know that it's not his 'fault' in that he didn't do it intentionally - he is just too confused & messed up to be able to love me the right way. I know he did love me, it just wasn't enough, he wasn't able to do it the right way. And I know that I had been allowing him to hurt me, I was signing up for it, & now I'm not anymore. I'm done letting him hurt me. I am going to give myself my all the way I was giving him my all, which I should have done the last time I broke it off but I just wasn't there yet, & now I'm here. Thanks LovingWhatIs, I'm glad to have met you too!!!!!!

[26pointblue]

The only thing broken in his marriage is him. As old as he is, he's not ready to grow up. He wants to go out and play and be adventurous (and adulterous) while his wife does all of the stuff that's not fun, like coming home every night and being responsible for the upbringing of the children they brought into the world.

 

That horrible domestic routine he hates? It's called stability. And as much as he claims to despise routine, he craves it.

His boredom with family life? It's actually immaturity and poor impulse.

His inability to work out of the mechanics of ending his marriage? That's just his way of fulfilling his need for a wife (stability) and a mistress (adventure). From the sounds of it, his wife is no longer interested in making him happy. And from this point forward, his happiness or unhappiness is no longer any of your concern, either.

 

You are so right about everything you said [except that I think his wife still loves him & wants to make him happy & for him to make her happy - which is of course her right although I do not understand how she can keep doing that to herself.] He has even told me, the first time he was separated, that he thought it was ironic that he hated domestic routine, but now he was missing it, & that he had done things to destroy the things he thought he hated & now really craved. Mind you this was the first time around & there have been other times so I guess he never learned how to value it even though at one point he did recognize its importance to him.

 

Yes, he is immature, doesn't ever want to grow up, irresponsible & impulsive. Sadly I recognized these traits in him as I have them too & I think it's part of what brought us together. But I am ready to grow up! I want to keep the good aspects of my personality like spontaneity & the ability to always have fun & get along with people & make them laugh etc. [he has those same good traits too] but I want to get rid of whatever it is that hasn't allowed me to grow up & mature & be responsible. I want to value the things that are important to me, & my own self. I guess being with him & going through all of this has shown me what can happen down the road if I don't work on these things now . . . it just gets worse! I have not been blameless in this & I am not the person I want to be, but at least now I want to be a better person. I don't know if he will ever get there but I do hope this has taught him something too & that he can do it.

 

And you are right that he is what is broken in his marriage - his wife hasn't done anything wrong, she has just been a good wife. [And maybe allowed him to keep hurting her, therefore enabling him - but I am no one to talk when it comes to that.] I feel really bad for helping to hurt her. I guess that's something I will just have to forgive myself for. It's something I'll have to work on because I don't really know how to go about that.

[26pointblue]

Carrot - I wanted to add that I think you are super smart when it comes to knowing people & relationships. Thanks for all your guidance.

[Carrot2000]

Carrot - I wanted to add that I think you are super smart when it comes to knowing people & relationships. Thanks for all your guidance.

 

 

Awww, thanks, 26PB.

 

I have an inkling that the wonderful, spontaneous, attractive, SINGLE and AVAILABLE man you are looking for is right around the corner. You just had to get rid of MM to make space for him.

[26pointblue]

Awww, thanks, 26PB.

 

I have an inkling that the wonderful, spontaneous, attractive, SINGLE and AVAILABLE man you are looking for is right around the corner. You just had to get rid of MM to make space for him.

 

I hope this is true!!

 

Today has been harder than I expected but I keep telling myself to stay strong, to focus on myself, to think positively about my future, & that I'm better off without someone who lies to me & isn't able to care about what's best for me.

[fooled once]

Better a week of turmoil than a lifetime of bull$hit. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to love someone with everything you have. And be prouder still that you value yourself enough to not allow anyone to disregard and disrespect you.

 

Good things are coming your way.

 

Totally agree

 

I think he is done with us too, at least in this current form. He sent me a bbm this morning [i don't know how to block him from that . . . I'm sure there's a way but I was too busy with my pity-party last night to figure it out] asking if I knew the results of my STD test. I don't know if this was fishing, because I had already told him it would be 7 - 10 days & I went on Friday. In fact just yesterday before I broke it off I was commenting on how my sister said it's usually sooner than that & the clinic said no news is good news, so the further I get to the 7 - 10 days, the more relieved I feel. So he knew I didn't have the results yet . . . but maybe he just wanted reassurance, Idk.

 

I told him no not yet, 7 - 10 days, & he asked me to let him know when I knew. I said okay. Then he told me he is feeling so down & he thinks it's going to get worse. He said he is hoping to salvage something with his son but that is his only hope out of his entire family, the rest are done with him. I don't know if he just felt the need to talk, or if he was trying to make me feel guilty [i don't think so?] or expunge his guilt for not being with me anymore, I really don't know & I didn't know what to say. So I just told him that things will get better with time, that I wish him well, that I'm sorry for my part in this & to take care. He told me that he will always love me [which I do believe to be true - to the extent that he is able to love, I guess] & I told him the same & said best wishes.

 

I don't know if that was a goof-up or not. It kind of gave me some closure because yesterday things ended pretty badly between us. I did want him to know I want him to be happy & wish him the best. I'm glad I got to tell him that. But it also hurt a lot to hear from him & I just want to forget about him for now & start moving on. So today is hard so far, although last night really wasn't that bad - more zombie-ish than emotional.

 

what the heck is a BBM????? You keep saying this and I have no idea what it is.

 

He was fishing and you feel right into it. And of course, it was all about him. He seems concerned about the STD test..... but you are falling for it and allowing it to be all about him. Baloney.

 

You will not love him forever and he won't love you forever. Seriously - he is too immature and irresponsible to love anyone but himself. If how he treats you is love, then he nor you know what love is.

 

You can't just move on - you need to process and grieve it. You need to really figure out why you allowed yourself to be sucked back in time and time again. You need to examine what you learned though all this; because I firmly believe we learn from all our life experiences.

 

I sure hope you aren't hanging onto the hope that in a month he comes back -- he isn't divorced and he hasn't worked on HIM. He isn't healthy for you. The relationship you had with him wasn't healthy.

 

The fact that he lied to your face and tried to pin it on you speaks VOLUMES of his character.

 

None of us have any idea why he stays with his wife - if its because he is a coward, if he loves her, if its easier..whatever. Doesn't matter. What matters is he isn't leaving. He can claim until the cows come home he loves you; but his actions don't say that. And people are judged by words and actions. But we all know actions speak louder than words.

 

Do what jwl said - block him in every which way you can; that way you aren't tempted to reach out to him. Nothing has changed - he is still the insecure, wishy washy 50 year old...and how sad is that? He gives older people a bad rap because of his behavior.

 

There is nothing wrong with domestic bliss :love: And why you think you can't have domestic bliss with one person and spontaneity and passion..... that's baloney! I love the fact that I have a great marriage with a dependable, trustworthy, honorable, loving, passionate man. I love that he helps me around the house, I love that we share ALL of our life; not just parts of it. That is what partners are for .... to share LIFE with.

 

Take time to focus on you; grieve and heal. Box up his stuff and leave it out in front of your house and tell him to box your stuff up (the key and garage door opener) and leave it at your house for you. There is no need to see him - in fact, doing so, you aren't strong enough right now to do that. (not meant as a slam). I hope you get some peace. I hope you know that all of us have concern for you; all of us are rooting for you - YOU.

[26pointblue]

Totally agree

 

 

 

what the heck is a BBM????? You keep saying this and I have no idea what it is.

 

Blackberry Messenger. Kind of like AOL Instant Messenger but for people who use Blackberries.

 

He was fishing and you feel right into it. And of course, it was all about him. He seems concerned about the STD test..... but you are falling for it and allowing it to be all about him. Baloney.

 

I do think he is very concerned about the STD test. But yes I had already told him when I would find out. And yes he further fished by telling me he was down & what his concerns about his family were, etc.

 

You will not love him forever and he won't love you forever. Seriously - he is too immature and irresponsible to love anyone but himself. If how he treats you is love, then he nor you know what love is.

 

Well I guess I won't know this until I know it. Right now I feel that I love him - I know it wasn't necessarily a healthy love or all that I want out of love or all that love can be - but I mean in a passionate, all-consuming way, & I do think that is part of love, & a part I have never experienced until now. I also think he loves me to the best of his ability but I know that isn't all that love can be either.

 

You can't just move on - you need to process and grieve it. You need to really figure out why you allowed yourself to be sucked back in time and time again. You need to examine what you learned though all this; because I firmly believe we learn from all our life experiences.

 

Sometimes I feel like you [& others] miss part of what I say - I realize that may be because I'm not expressing myself well or just a general miscommunication. But I never said, or meant to say, that I think I can 'just' move on from this. I said that I am going to take a few months & focus on just me, on healing from this. I know it won't be easy, in fact I know it's going to suck. In a way I feel I'm ahead of the curve because I have been through it before & this time I have the closure I wanted [from myself] & I know I deserve better & won't be going back. But I do know it is going to be very hard & I don't expect to just pick myself back up & walk off into the sunset.

 

I sure hope you aren't hanging onto the hope that in a month he comes back -- he isn't divorced and he hasn't worked on HIM. He isn't healthy for you. The relationship you had with him wasn't healthy.

 

No, I am not hanging onto that hope at all. I know it wasn't healthy. I do have hope that he will change, learn & grow, as I am doing, & we will one day reunite when he is no longer married, but, it's kind of the way I 'hope' to win the lottery - it would be nice, but I sure don't expect it to happen & I'm in no way counting on it.

 

The fact that he lied to your face and tried to pin it on you speaks VOLUMES of his character.

 

Yes it sure does. :-(

 

None of us have any idea why he stays with his wife - if its because he is a coward, if he loves her, if its easier..whatever. Doesn't matter. What matters is he isn't leaving. He can claim until the cows come home he loves you; but his actions don't say that. And people are judged by words and actions. But we all know actions speak louder than words.

 

Yes, I've definitely learned to pay attention to his actions, not his words, & that has helped me realize he isn't doing what he says he's doing, so, what's the point.

 

Do what jwl said - block him in every which way you can; that way you aren't tempted to reach out to him. Nothing has changed - he is still the insecure, wishy washy 50 year old...and how sad is that? He gives older people a bad rap because of his behavior.

 

Ha ha sorry but the giving older people a bad rap made me chuckle [& I needed some comic relief, thanks, ha ha]. Don't worry, I sure don't think all older people are this way, but I also know some of his friends who seem to act just like him! But I know they're a rare breed & birds of a feather . . .

 

There is nothing wrong with domestic bliss :love: And why you think you can't have domestic bliss with one person and spontaneity and passion..... that's baloney! I love the fact that I have a great marriage with a dependable, trustworthy, honorable, loving, passionate man. I love that he helps me around the house, I love that we share ALL of our life; not just parts of it. That is what partners are for .... to share LIFE with.

 

That's good to know. I would like to have that one day.

 

Take time to focus on you; grieve and heal. Box up his stuff and leave it out in front of your house and tell him to box your stuff up (the key and garage door opener) and leave it at your house for you. There is no need to see him - in fact, doing so, you aren't strong enough right now to do that. (not meant as a slam). I hope you get some peace. I hope you know that all of us have concern for you; all of us are rooting for you - YOU.

 

I am going to do this, thanks. And I don't take it as a slam. I'm certainly not feeling very strong right now, but I'm trying to act strong. Thanks for the help.

[whichwayisup]

You just have to delete him as your contact and your name disappears from his list automatically. I'm sure too, there's a way of blocking him..I will find out for you.

 

No, I am not hanging onto that hope at all. I know it wasn't healthy. I do have hope that he will change, learn & grow, as I am doing, & we will one day reunite when he is no longer married, but, it's kind of the way I 'hope' to win the lottery - it would be nice, but I sure don't expect it to happen & I'm in no way counting on it.

 

Please, don't let yourself "go" there with those types of thoughts. It'll prevent you from truly healing and eventually when the time right, to open your heart to someone else. Imagine 3 years from now, you are with some awesome man who adores you, wants to marry you.. Then exMM pops back into your life... What then? You don't want to be in that position! This is why when you heal, you gotta shove him out of your heart and close it when it comes to him. Forever.

 

I am sure your STD test will be fine, so don't you worry about that.

 

And, you ARE strong, so much stronger than you think! You had the courage to stand up to him and END IT. And mean it too! You aren't just saying the words.

[Rose1977]

Awww, thanks, 26PB.

 

I have an inkling that the wonderful, spontaneous, attractive, SINGLE and AVAILABLE man you are looking for is right around the corner. You just had to get rid of MM to make space for him.

 

 

Whew, just got done reading this whole thread and could not agree more! 26pb, you seem like a strong and intelligent woman with a good sense of humor. I am glad you can see you deserve more out of a relationship .

[26pointblue]

You just have to delete him as your contact and your name disappears from his list automatically. I'm sure too, there's a way of blocking him..I will find out for you.

 

Okay, I'll do that . . . wow that will sure send a signal!

 

 

Please, don't let yourself "go" there with those types of thoughts. It'll prevent you from truly healing and eventually when the time right, to open your heart to someone else. Imagine 3 years from now, you are with some awesome man who adores you, wants to marry you.. Then exMM pops back into your life... What then? You don't want to be in that position! This is why when you heal, you gotta shove him out of your heart and close it when it comes to him. Forever.

 

Good point. :-/ I guess I need to banish him from my heart & as much as I can from my mind completely. I need to stop glamorizing what we had & comparing every other guy to him. This is probably what I did wrong while we were apart before. I held onto the hope & so couldn't really live in reality, or at least be happy in reality.

 

I am sure your STD test will be fine, so don't you worry about that.

 

And, you ARE strong, so much stronger than you think! You had the courage to stand up to him and END IT. And mean it too! You aren't just saying the words.

 

Aww thanks WhichWay. I am so glad for your support. :-)

[26pointblue]

Whew, just got done reading this whole thread and could not agree more! 26pb, you seem like a strong and intelligent woman with a good sense of humor. I am glad you can see you deserve more out of a relationship .

 

Wow, thanks so much for the compliments & support. :-)

[BB07]

26pointblue......you are doing well but hey you are going to be in for a bumpy ride for quite a while and listen........don't feel that you can't be honest with us, OK.

 

There are going to be days ahead where you are going to want to contact him because your mind isn't going to want to accept that it's over and that's OK, just remember what YOU want and don't get sucked back in to the same ole, same ole. There are days when you are going to be mad as hell........and that's OK to. I don't mean to presume a lot but you've mentioned that you have felt guilty about your part in hurting his wife, well that's going to bite you in the butt too. It's a rough ride.....blue but you can make it and we are here for you.

 

I survived it.........so can you. Even though it seemed as if my situation was cut and dried, I still felt those things and sometimes I missed what I thought he was. I DO NOT miss him now.

 

Hugs.........

[26pointblue]

26pointblue......you are doing well but hey you are going to be in for a bumpy ride for quite a while and listen........don't feel that you can't be honest with us, OK.

 

There are going to be days ahead where you are going to want to contact him because your mind isn't going to want to accept that it's over and that's OK, just remember what YOU want and don't get sucked back in to the same ole, same ole. There are days when you are going to be mad as hell........and that's OK to. I don't mean to presume a lot but you've mentioned that you have felt guilty about your part in hurting his wife, well that's going to bite you in the butt too. It's a rough ride.....blue but you can make it and we are here for you.

 

I survived it.........so can you. Even though it seemed as if my situation was cut and dried, I still felt those things and sometimes I missed what I thought he was. I DO NOT miss him now.

 

Hugs.........

 

Thanks for the encouragment BB07! You're right, if you can do it, so can I. And I will stay honest with myself but not contact him no matter what I'm feeling!

[lovingwhatis]

You are beautiful! Sending you a daily hug of encouragement!

 

Thanks for the encouragment BB07! You're right, if you can do it, so can I. And I will stay honest with myself but not contact him no matter what I'm feeling!

[26pointblue]

You are beautiful! Sending you a daily hug of encouragement!

 

Aww thank you LovingWhatIs. I have been having ups & downs but last night & this morning I have been very, very happy about my decision! I feel genuinely free for the first time since probably I started out with him! I have to think of how to remember or hold onto this feeling when things get tough & I get lonely & miss him.

 

I think one way is just being good to myself & meeting my own goals. It's funny that people were saying MM has never grown up, because I kind of feel that about myself. I was thinking about how MM & I connected in many ways because we are the same, but those ways in which we are the same are unhealthy! I want to change those ways as much as I can. Like him I like to escape from responsibility & would rather have fun than do things that are necessary or important for my life.

 

Last night I went to the gym - it was my fourth day working out out of four days this week! Then I went over to my best friend's place, she just joined Match.com & wanted to show me her profile & some guys who had contacted her. This was a little triggering for me - I feel so afraid of actually putting myself out there & trying to date someone else seriously - I am not ready for it, it scares me, but I tried to be into her profile & happy for her. I do think it's really good for her that she's doing this, & the funny thing is that it was at my suggestion. When MM & I were apart last time, she & I would just go out & meet random guys & it was not fulfilling for me at all. Now that I'm done with MM I told her I'm tired of wasting my time 'dating' or hooking up with guys I don't like, & that I'm going to take a complete hiatus from all guys for a couple months & work on myself, & then I'm going to go on Match or something like that [i've never tried online dating but it's hard to meet decent single guys in my city - let alone ones that are my age. :-( She's quite a bit younger than me - 23 - so her selection is amazing, ha ha.] I said I am not going to date until I'm ready to date serioulsy & try to find a good guy, not a guy just to fill up my time. I also told her that she can do better than the 'bar guys' we always meet & that Match would allow her to choose guys based on her preferences & ones she thinks she would actually like, instead of just any old guy to fill the time. [she was very hurt by her ex boyfriend who cheated on her with a lot of other girls, including one of her good friends. :-( So she & I were in the same miserable boat for awhile - although I was there by my own choosing & she wasn't - & I think we were both dealing with our pain in a bad way. So anyway she agreed that she is tired of randomly dating or hooking up & she opened a Match account and already has a date lined up for this Friday. I think that's awesome for her but I am so not ready to do that yet . . . I hope I will be within a few months. We ate some Chinese food & it was nice to hang out with her & talk with her.

 

When I got home I cleaned my house - I still have a lot more to clean because I've totally been letting it slide - but it felt good to make a dent in it. One of the things I need to decide by end of May is where to live - my lease is up & I have to move [well I don't have to but my landlord is raising the rent & I don't want to pay that much & in fact would like something cheaper than I already have, to save money], & believe it or not, xMM kept saying I should get a small, cheap place because most of the time I'd be at the house he's renting, except for when his kids are there, & with a short-term lease because as soon as his kids got used to me we would live together . . . he even had a house picked out he was going to buy for 'us'! I can't believe he filled my head with such fantasies & I can't believe I believed him! It seems utterly ridiculous already. :-( On the other hand at one point - the last time we were apart - I kept thinking of just moving away; I'm not from this city but my career is established here, but at one point I wanted to just give it all up & move where the rest of my family lives. I think that was just because I was so miserable with or without MM that I didn't know what to do with myself. Now I feel strong enough to stand on my own & so I have to figure out what I want to do all on my own, independently of MM or anything having to do with MM, & it feels strange but also exciting.

 

I was just thinking last night of some possible future ideas for my career & the direction I'd like to take it in. Some of the traits I loved about MM, which are also traits that I think I have, are his ambition & drive & success. Sadly I hadn't done well at work the whole time we were apart & was ready to give up my entire career! :-( But this last month or so - since I got back with MM & decided to accept the situation & be happy - I had been doing great at work, it's like he was some drug that made me 'up' & the rest of my life so good. I thought that would fade now that I'm no longer with him but it's almost like I'm inspired to do even better now. I know I can do it on my own & probably even better now that I'm not embroiled in the drama & focused on MM instead of on myself. When I think of what to do with my own money & my own career I realize I can eventually be just as successful as MM if I want to be . . . but in my own way, in my own area which is different than his, & all on my own, which feels better than relying on him [he used to help me a lot with work & that's how we met].

 

So overall I have been doing great, all things considered, & I just want to stay this way. I don't want to swing back to feeling sad, lonely, depressed, mad at myself, & down, but I know I will. Whenever I hit bottom I'm just going to remember that I deserve better, that he wasn't treating me the right way, that I need to focus on myself & not him, & that he loved me but was unable to love me the right way. The last one feels important to me because I find that when I get angry at him, & at myself for being with him, I feel bogged down in it all, but when I just let it go & realize we both loved each other as best as we could but it wasn't meant to be, I feel more free & light.

 

As BB07 mentioned, I do feel some guilt about his wife & I wish I could somehow make that right, especially because I did know her personally, but when I start to feel down about that I just tell myself that I am doing things right now, & that's all I can do, & that by staying out of the way & letting him figure out what he wants & work on his marriage without me if his marriage is what he wants, then I'm doing the right thing by him & by her & that's all I can do from here on out.

 

Thanks for the encouragement LovingWhatIs, I hope to be able to report back that I'm still doing well & keeping no contact! I'm going to see my faimly this weekend :-), they live far away, so that is when I'm going to leave his stuff & tell him to come get it & to leave my key & my stuff, any time over the days that I'm gone. Then I will be free of him physically as well as [as much as I can be right now] emotionally.

[lovingwhatis]

I can't tell you, Pointblue, how happy I was to read your post, for soo many reasons! That's why we kept telling you you are strong, you know what to do, and you are doing it! 4 times working out?! Wow, that's just great! The cleaning can be very cathartic too. My best friend always encourages me to do all these things, and generally I do, I but I have more resistance, because I can be stubborn. And I generally am of the view that inner changes are even more important than outer ones, but that's a topic for some other time...

 

Check out this thread I started a while back, it deals with the dating qs you seem to be asking yourself.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262287/

 

For me a set deadline for healing hasn't worked, but if deadlines work for you, do what works best. Have you experienced online dating before? I have on a few occasions, and I find it unnatural. I tend to be overwhelmed by the many people to choose from. It sounds like a good problem to have, but I seriously found it daunting. And one other observation i've had, just like you can not be ready for dating and be on a dating site, other guys can be in a same position, but of course they will not volunteer that info. Just my observations, again, everyone has different preferences, and please if my words are depressing you in any way, disregard them!

 

I also want to thank you for your post today, because since I've been in the dumps today (family stuff), reading that you are well helped me get out of my own head and smell the spring outside! Regarding the ups and downs, I literally get baffled when a depressive moment overtakes me for a bit. It feels like the progress is gone somehow, but of course that is not true. It is all a cycle.

 

Enjoy your day!

[26pointblue]

I can't tell you, Pointblue, how happy I was to read your post, for soo many reasons! That's why we kept telling you you are strong, you know what to do, and you are doing it! 4 times working out?! Wow, that's just great! The cleaning can be very cathartic too. My best friend always encourages me to do all these things, and generally I do, I but I have more resistance, because I can be stubborn. And I generally am of the view that inner changes are even more important than outer ones, but that's a topic for some other time...

 

Check out this thread I started a while back, it deals with the dating qs you seem to be asking yourself.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262287/

 

For me a set deadline for healing hasn't worked, but if deadlines work for you, do what works best. Have you experienced online dating before? I have on a few occasions, and I find it unnatural. I tend to be overwhelmed by the many people to choose from. It sounds like a good problem to have, but I seriously found it daunting. And one other observation i've had, just like you can not be ready for dating and be on a dating site, other guys can be in a same position, but of course they will not volunteer that info. Just my observations, again, everyone has different preferences, and please if my words are depressing you in any way, disregard them!

 

I also want to thank you for your post today, because since I've been in the dumps today (family stuff), reading that you are well helped me get out of my own head and smell the spring outside! Regarding the ups and downs, I literally get baffled when a depressive moment overtakes me for a bit. It feels like the progress is gone somehow, but of course that is not true. It is all a cycle.

 

Enjoy your day!

 

Wow, I'm touched that I could brighten your day! Yay!

 

Yeah I don't know if timelines will work either but I feel overwhelmed when I think of the future as just 'the future' & I fear I will never be able to get over xMM or live a normal life or find a good guy. It's much easier for me to escape into another guy, or into partying & alcohol, then it is to just be on my own & feel my emotions & thoughts. So I think I tell myself as a coping mechanism, take it day by day, just go a couple months alone & work on yourself, & then you will be ready to find someone awesome. But really I don't know if I will be able to after a couple months . . . Idk how to explain it except that I do this when I train or run marathons - I tell myself, you only have to run 5 miles, just get there & you'll be good [but really I have to run 26 - I just keep adjusting how much further I have to go in a way to trick myself, & it also helps to look back at how far I've come.] So I'm trying to do this with my personal life . . . I'm telling myself just go two months - work out, train for a race, clean your current house [for some reason it really helps me to get rid of things - throw old things away, give undesirable stuff to Goodwill, decide which desirable things to sell on eBay, & overall downsize & declutter -- I feel like I am cleaning out my whole past life!] & decide where to move, concentrate on work, interests, hobbies, friends & family . . . there is so much to do besides work & so much to think about besides guys, even xMM [although I do think about him a lot & am trying to figure out how not to do that as often. Seems like everything reminds me of him & there are so many things I wish I could tell him but I can't. :-( That part is very sad!]

 

In reality I'm not going to date until I feel ready, & I won't feel ready until my own life is in order, which could take quite awhile. I look around & see so many things I've neglected in my own life while waiting around & pining over xMM. This includes the times we have been together & the times we have not - looking back it always seems like it was all about him for me, or all about trying to escape him. This is the first time I really feel free of him, wanting & ready to move on, & all about me. But I tell myself two months because I'm afraid I'll slip into a rebound relationship or maybe even worse an empty 'friend with benefits' relationship & those did me way more harm than good last time around. I seriously beat myself up for the couple of months that xMM & I weren't together, & now I just want to be good to myself & not let myself be distracted by men - especially when I know they don't really care about me & honestly I don't really care about them - we're just using each other, just like xMM & I were to quite an extent, but without the connection, passion, intimacy . . . I'm not doing that again, for sure. I don't fully trust myself to just not do it, so I've made a declaration of a two-month timeline to my best friend & my sister etc. & I will adjust it once I get there & see where I'm at. :-)

 

This is the first time in a long time I've felt genuinely happy about my own life. :-)

 

As far as Internet dating goes, no, I've never tried it. I can see how it can pose the issues you mention. My sister has tried it, a lot, without much success [my sister is gorgeous, successful, everything a guy would want - I think the guys on the site are just not the type of guys she wants!], & she's told me some of the pitfalls, like talking too much online to a guy before you get to know him & building up that fantasy & then having it fall flat & seeing you've wasted your time, or guys lying about who they really are or just saying what they think you want to hear [which I guess could describe just dating in general but seems especially easy on the Internet.] As far as the selection, I could see how it could be overwhelming but honestly I would welcome a wider selection - I just honestly don't know where to meet good single guys in real life! I live in a small city, especially small when you consider my education & career level & the fact that I would not ideally want to date someone with less education than I have [i'm not trying to be arrogant - I've just tried that before & it doesn't work because I can't connect with them & vice versa], plus when you factor in my age [30], & I have browsed possible matches on my friend's account . . . the sad thing is that I know a lot of the 'potential matches' & wouldn't want to date them or have had close friends date them, etc. It's just an incestuous community in many ways & I would love the opportunity to meet a different pool of guys . . . there were some on there that seemed new & interesting & I'm not ready yet but when I am it seems like it would be rather exciting to get to know someone new. But thank you for the warnings & I will be sure to take online dating with a grain of salt! I'll also ask around & see if anyone knows anybody they think might be good to hook me up with . . . I've avoided doing this or turned them down when others have done it in the past because of MM, but it seems like connections would be a good way to meet people [again if they haven't already dated half my friends or colleagues, ha ha].

 

I'm sure there are opportunities such as at the gym or just even running my running route, or in the grocery store, ha ha, that I've not had my eyes open to because of MM. I think in real life is the ideal way to meet someone but I will at least give online dating a shot.

 

Thanks for the link to your dating post - I can really relate! Have you started dating yet or found anyone special? Or are you not ready still? I can definitely understand what that's like; I'm scared & feel that no one will come close to xMM, & that's why I have to find a way to get him out of my head & heart. Maybe it's just time!!!!

[fooled once]

26, you said

Sometimes I feel like you [& others] miss part of what I say - I realize that may be because I'm not expressing myself well or just a general miscommunication. But I never said, or meant to say, that I think I can 'just' move on from this. I said that I am going to take a few months & focus on just me, on healing from this. I know it won't be easy, in fact I know it's going to suck. In a way I feel I'm ahead of the curve because I have been through it before & this time I have the closure I wanted [from myself] & I know I deserve better & won't be going back. But I do know it is going to be very hard & I don't expect to just pick myself back up & walk off into the sunset.

 

I think you misunderstood me.

 

I wasn't implying that you were going to move forward today. Someone brought up dating and that, IMHO, is the worst thing you can do right now.

 

Don't worry, I sure don't think all older people are this way, but I also know some of his friends who seem to act just like him! But I know they're a rare breed & birds of a feather . . .

 

Good - because my H is over 50 and he is none of those things. He is a great guy (my H) and in fact, many people mistake him for being much younger ... heck, physically he is way healthier than I am and I am 8 years younger than him! The way we are going, he will be the one taking care of me instead me taking care of him!

 

Online dating - for what its worth - it has brought MANY people together.

 

Almost 14 years ago, before there was Match and all those sites, there was AOL personal ads. I met my now H on there. We both replied to each others ads within an hour of seeing them - and we both posted our ads on the same day at the same time. Very strange; very surreal. But we messaged each other, emailed each other, talked on the phone for about a month; then met in person and 8 months later, we married.

 

I know some people have not have good experiences, but I also know others like me who have met their spouse that way. Like with everything in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

 

Glad you are doing okay. Hang onto that feeling when you start to feel blue. Baby steps each day. You have a whole world out there waiting for you to make your mark on it. Go for it!!

[26pointblue]

Well, he contacted me about returning my key & garage door opener & I about broke down into tears. WTH is wrong with me? I feel so sad & angry . . . like I want to go running for miles even though I already went over lunch, or just lay here on my desk and cry.

 

I don't know how I can go from being so up to so down.

 

I wish I could get back to how I was feeling earlier. I feel so many different yucky things. Part of me wants him to still want me even though I know we're wrong for each other. Part of me wants to do something to ensure he will never talk to me again. Those are two totally different things but I keep thinking about both of them! I think I am certifiably insane.

[26pointblue]

26, you said

 

I think you misunderstood me.

 

I wasn't implying that you were going to move forward today. Someone brought up dating and that, IMHO, is the worst thing you can do right now.

 

Oh I see . . . no, I'm not dating right now.

 

Good - because my H is over 50 and he is none of those things. He is a great guy (my H) and in fact, many people mistake him for being much younger ... heck, physically he is way healthier than I am and I am 8 years younger than him! The way we are going, he will be the one taking care of me instead me taking care of him!

 

Online dating - for what its worth - it has brought MANY people together.

 

Almost 14 years ago, before there was Match and all those sites, there was AOL personal ads. I met my now H on there. We both replied to each others ads within an hour of seeing them - and we both posted our ads on the same day at the same time. Very strange; very surreal. But we messaged each other, emailed each other, talked on the phone for about a month; then met in person and 8 months later, we married.

 

I know some people have not have good experiences, but I also know others like me who have met their spouse that way. Like with everything in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

 

Glad you are doing okay. Hang onto that feeling when you start to feel blue. Baby steps each day. You have a whole world out there waiting for you to make your mark on it. Go for it!!

 

I'm glad you & your husband met & are happy together. :-) That's good to read!

[fooled once]

Well, he contacted me about returning my key & garage door opener & I about broke down into tears. WTH is wrong with me? I feel so sad & angry . . . like I want to go running for miles even though I already went over lunch, or just lay here on my desk and cry.

 

I don't know how I can go from being so up to so down.

 

I wish I could get back to how I was feeling earlier. I feel so many different yucky things. Part of me wants him to still want me even though I know we're wrong for each other. Part of me wants to do something to ensure he will never talk to me again. Those are two totally different things but I keep thinking about both of them! I think I am certifiably insane.

 

I think we all have waited for this moment for you We all knew you had to have a weepy period; and please don't be alarmed if it lasts .... long. YOU loved/love him. It is going to take time to come to terms with that.

 

Please do not beat yourself up, okay? Give yourself the time to grieve it and cry.

 

Ask him to leave that stuff on your door step or somewhere that you can get them - NOT so you have to see him. It will be easier, I promise.

[26pointblue]

At first I was really mad at him because he was acting like he disdained me [at least that's how it read to me - it was on gchat], because after I suggested leaving his stuff in front of my place so he could come get it & hide the garage door opener & key while I was out of town, he said 'I don't want to go back to your house.'

 

I just wanted to punch him.

 

But then he told me that his daughter was excluding him from her birthday plans today & he feels like his whole family is turning against him, & I had this urge to 'save' him by telling him he has to work on his own issues & not just do what everyone else wants him to do to 'fix' things & that I wished him well. I didn't tell him this - we did end the chat on a good note with me saying take care & him saying 'goodbye my Precious love' - which made me start crying, so good thing he wasn't here or on the phone to see or hear it - partly because I knew it was none of my business & partly because I realized it wouldn't affect him . . . it would go in one ear & out the other until or unless he was ready to really hear it & act on it & work on himself, & by that time I hope to be long out of the picture! He is not there yet . . . he is confused & doing what everyone else thinks he should be doing instead of looking within.

 

I know I have to stop thinking about him somehow & I have to have no more contact with him. I know I feel really good - almost superficially 'up' or high! - when I don't have contact with him [which makes me worry that it's temporary & will come crashing down, & really, really low - a bundle of confusing & almost all bad emotions - when I do have contact with him. Once we exchange stuff & find out about the STD test result, I will completely obliterate any way he has to get in touch with me except obviously I can't change my work number or location, or where I live. He can still get a hold of me if he wants to but I don't think he will try once I send the strong signal that I'm done having any contact with him. That will actually make me feel really strong, to kill the thread of hope of hanging on & just know that I mean I never want to talk to him ever again. [scary! But strong.]

[26pointblue]

I think we all have waited for this moment for you We all knew you had to have a weepy period; and please don't be alarmed if it lasts .... long. YOU loved/love him. It is going to take time to come to terms with that.

 

Please do not beat yourself up, okay? Give yourself the time to grieve it and cry.

 

Ask him to leave that stuff on your door step or somewhere that you can get them - NOT so you have to see him. It will be easier, I promise.

 

I was waiting too but it hit hard once I heard from him!!!! I think it's because I know I still love him & I hate feeling weak like that . . . I wish I could just really be over him & have him know that.

 

I did tell him to leave it at my house but he said he doesn't want to go there so then we came up with a plan to leave it on my car at my office garage.

 

I know I need time to greive & cry but it sucks. It definitely sucks the most when I talk to him or even hear from him, so I have to stop doing that. Any other time, I think I can handle it.

[26pointblue]

I hate this part & just want to get it over with. Last time I couldn't & ended up going back with him. I don't want to do that again because I can no longer accept things as they are [they've sure changed!] & I can't be happy like this . . . plus I've seen some less than desirable sides of him that make me see that I don't want him even though I think I do. It's the weirdest feeling!

 

I just have to remind myself that this is how I wanted it . . . I needed closure, to know I gave it my all & it just wasn't meant to be. Well now I have what I wanted in regards to him, & what I want for myself is to be happy without him damn it!

[BB07]

Well, he contacted me about returning my key & garage door opener & I about broke down into tears. WTH is wrong with me? I feel so sad & angry . . . like I want to go running for miles even though I already went over lunch, or just lay here on my desk and cry.

 

I don't know how I can go from being so up to so down.

 

I wish I could get back to how I was feeling earlier. I feel so many different yucky things. Part of me wants him to still want me even though I know we're wrong for each other. Part of me wants to do something to ensure he will never talk to me again. Those are two totally different things but I keep thinking about both of them! I think I am certifiably insane.

 

 

It's the waves I was telling you about..........you have to ride them out and just hang on sometimes. You can do it.....all those feelings have to come out, sometimes you have to let them. Don't try to make the hurt go away, ride it out, feeling it is part of your healing.

 

 

Huge hugs.........