Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Hugs.......big hugs 26pointblue. I know it's hard right now......but honestly I think when a few months has passed you are going to see that you dodged a bullet and you are going to be thankful that you are out of this mess. We are here for you........ Thanks BB & thanks for the continuing posts & support. :-) Once again you sound like my sister! If he wants to prove his love for me, okay, but I doubt it, & absent that, I am done with him. I know I deserve better.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Better a week of turmoil than a lifetime of bull$hit. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to love someone with everything you have. And be prouder still that you value yourself enough to not allow anyone to disregard and disrespect you. Good things are coming your way. Thank you, Carrot. You're right. I was starting to see myself in his wife's shoes & I didn't want this for the rest of my life. I do love him but he has too many issues right now to be able to give all of himself & really love someone. I would rather have a healthy relationship. And thanks LovingWhatIs for the kind words & encouragement. :-) I do hope good things are coming my way! As much as I loved him I am excited to find a real, good relationship with someone single. I did try to be his, & him mine, but it's not what he wants or can do right now, & probably never, so, on to the real thing. First I'm going to work on myself & then I'm going to go find someone on the same plane. Because MM definitely is not. :-(
BB07 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks BB & thanks for the continuing posts & support. :-) Once again you sound like my sister! If he wants to prove his love for me, okay, but I doubt it, & absent that, I am done with him. I know I deserve better. Yes you DO deserve better..........and for some reason I feel a kinship with you. I have from the beginning......maybe because you remind me of myself and how you love too much and give too much away. Pssssst.........this man is not the right one, too cowardly, too messed up. You are like me........you need a strong man because you are strong. Hugs......my sister.
spice4life Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Sorry didn't see your last update, so totally ignore my most recent post to you. So sorry it ended this way for you. You will get through this!
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 ((P26)) You reached your enough is enough stage, he pushed you too far and the guy (once again) proved that he has no balls. He lets others dictate decisions. What a p.*ssy! Part I bolded..He loves himself more. Yes, he did push you too far and knew you'd end it.. and how he treated you is exactly what he's done to his wife. He's broken and messed up. To expect or hope honesty from someone who is cheating on his wife, a skilled liar to keep an affair going right under his wife's nose..Well, his words are not trustworthy. Now you know this. Sorry you're hurting. Take this one day at a time, keep posting. You've done the right thing for you by ending it. You are right, I always thought he was strong, ambitious, successful, but I think it was just part of the image he put on for everyone else to see. Inside he is weak & needy & insecure. I say that but I still love him . . . I see what he is & what he could be & I just want him to get healthier & happy. He has so much potential but if after all this time he can't truly unleash it, then maybe he never will. :-( And I think he 'loves' himself more in that he doesn't really love himself, he is looking for an escape in everyone else. :-(
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Yes you DO deserve better..........and for some reason I feel a kinship with you. I have from the beginning......maybe because you remind me of myself and how you love too much and give too much away. Pssssst.........this man is not the right one, too cowardly, too messed up. You are like me........you need a strong man because you are strong. Hugs......my sister. Aww, thanks. :-) I used to think he was strong but I guess you're right that he's weak. This doesn't mean I don't love him, but, I do want a strong man, not a weak one. I really don't think I love too much, I guess I just have been loving the wrong person. I need to find out how to find a good one to give my love to! Someone who can love me back. I'm sad that it's not MM but I'm ready to get over that. As soon as possible. It's hard but not as hard as this last week has been! It feels good to have some power & control back. To be in charge of my own life. Although I know I will miss him so much & that there is more sadness to come. I know this but I have to get through it somehow.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Sorry didn't see your last update, so totally ignore my most recent post to you. So sorry it ended this way for you. You will get through this! No problem Spice4Life. :-) I read your initial post & I agree with everything you said - it was what I was trying to do but I think he is too confused & lost right now to be able to follow any boundaries I set. I think he will just take what I give him & then some, & not even realize how much he is hurting me. If he was capable of thinking about me right now then I would keep following your advice, which I think is great!, but he is just not able to do that. On the other hand he didn't put up much of a fight & I wonder if his letting me go without a fight is really thinking about me, because he knows he can't give me what I need right now, & in that sense that is the only way he can follow my boundaries & not hurt me anymore. Thanks Spice4Life for your help!
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Keep holding strong. You deserve much better than what he can give you right now. We shall see what the future brings . Thanks SadInTexas. :-)
jwi71 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 26, Have you..... ...blocked his ability to email you and DELETED every email from him and every email in your trash and sent items? ...blocked every phone number by which he can call and text you? ...cleaned house of EVERY memory...photos, mementos, clothing, anything to conjure him up? ...blocked him on any social networking sites AND professional networking sites? I'm not all Mr Lovey-dovey by any means...blunt and to the point. Block his ability to contact you because the longer you don't the longer it HURTS. Do this now. He was never yours. He will NEVER be yours (you don't want him anyways...again, trust me on this - tons of red flags you refuse to acknowledge for now - in time, you'll smack your forehead).
OWoman Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Well, I ended it. He made it easy on me. I caught him in a lie. And then he acted like it wasn't a lie, he made excuses, blamed it on me, & minimized the lie & my feelings. By the end he finally admitted he had f&^ked up & apologized, sincerely. But it was too late. I feel like he is treating me with no respect. I gave him everything & all I asked for in return was his honesty, & he couldn't even give me that. He's treating me just like he's been treating his wife this whole time. I don't think he loves either of us. ((((hugs)))) 26pb. I'm sorry that it did not turn out as you'd hoped, but happy you had the strength to demand to be treated with respect and dignity and would not accept the same shoddy treatment he thought was acceptable for his BW. His attempt to blame you for his own misstep demonstrates his inability to accept responsibility for his role in the way things have worked out, which would be untenable longer-term in any kind of healthy R. The aftermath of leaving is a very rough and confusing time for the fMP, and one which offers great opportunities for reflection and reparations to address the issues which led to them engaging in an A. It does not sound as if your fMM was using that opportunity to grow and heal, but instead to try to shirk responsibility and ownership and to have others make things right for him. In TA terms, assuming the "child" role so that others (you, or his BW) would have to assume the "parent" role rather than relating adult to adult. Your strength is exemplary.
Snowflower Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (((hugs))) I don't have much to add because everyone else has said it but just wanted to say that you seem to be a gracious and loving person, 26BP. I think after all this pain has lessened for you, you will see that this whole painful episode in your life was not the right thing for you. Hang in there, your kind and gracious nature will eventually lead you to the love that you deserve. In the meantime, take care of YOU! Try not to focus on him and do things that will make you feel better.
1956peace Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 You just switched places with his wife, now you will be the wondering all the time........ Your MM has a connection with his wife and letting go of that will be hard for him, he will have second thoughts especially if the wife is pulling the plug, might be still unresolved for him......... The stats show that relationships that start with an affair don't last because they started in the wrong way, maybe yours will be different, if I were you I would give him lots of time to work through his own emotions before you enter into something that might be a painful place for you to be......... When fantasy hits reality it might sting a little.......... You might now see the man the wife has always known, maybe you won't like that either........ Remember you have only seen the good sides, not the sides that hurt and lie. good luck
Silly_Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Keep holding strong. You deserve much better than what he can give you right now. We shall see what the future brings . Ditto what the clever lady said!!!
Jane Deaux Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I am sorry he lied and it had to end this way for you. But you have maintained that when you were through you would know it and be able to do it. So you must have felt strongly about what happened. I hope that you can get past the pain. (((((26PB))))) I am sorry your heart is hurting right now. But happy that you feel a measure of strength. He is obviously more confused than he should be if he lied to you. And in that instance, you deserve more. It is sad that you were willing to be there for him and he still did that. The one person he could be honest with right now. He obviously is too confused and needs space from both of you to figure it out. Hopefully without you there he will give himself the space to do just that without running right back to a broken marriage. I don't even mean figure out if he wants you. I just mean figuring out how to either repair his marriage and if he even wants to. And if not, how to leave and settle into some routine that is healthy for him and his children. Then and only then will he be ready to make other decisions. And during that time, now that he has shown he can't use your strength without hurting you, you can move on and heal yourself. You can focus on you. I hope that no matter what you heal and find love. Real love. Love that everyone deserves. I hope that for everyone.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 26, Have you..... ...blocked his ability to email you and DELETED every email from him and every email in your trash and sent items? ...blocked every phone number by which he can call and text you? ...cleaned house of EVERY memory...photos, mementos, clothing, anything to conjure him up? ...blocked him on any social networking sites AND professional networking sites? I'm not all Mr Lovey-dovey by any means...blunt and to the point. Block his ability to contact you because the longer you don't the longer it HURTS. Do this now. He was never yours. He will NEVER be yours (you don't want him anyways...again, trust me on this - tons of red flags you refuse to acknowledge for now - in time, you'll smack your forehead). No, I haven't done these things yet. For one thing I guess I feel it would be pointless- he has my work phone number, in fact I work in the building right across the street from his, and he knows where I live . . . there are just so many ways for him to get in contact with me if he really wants to. For another thing there are some things we need to exchange - he has the key to my house & a garage door opener, for example. So eventually I'm going to have to figure out how to get that & give him stuff he left at my house [which isn't much, some pajamas & fur slippers he had left the last time he stayed over because I was wearing them - I was thinking today how I should have known/ did know how unsure he was or maybe that he was even thinking we weren't going to last long - because he always took everything with him, even his toothbrush]. I think he is done with us too, at least in this current form. He sent me a bbm this morning [i don't know how to block him from that . . . I'm sure there's a way but I was too busy with my pity-party last night to figure it out] asking if I knew the results of my STD test. I don't know if this was fishing, because I had already told him it would be 7 - 10 days & I went on Friday. In fact just yesterday before I broke it off I was commenting on how my sister said it's usually sooner than that & the clinic said no news is good news, so the further I get to the 7 - 10 days, the more relieved I feel. So he knew I didn't have the results yet . . . but maybe he just wanted reassurance, Idk. I told him no not yet, 7 - 10 days, & he asked me to let him know when I knew. I said okay. Then he told me he is feeling so down & he thinks it's going to get worse. He said he is hoping to salvage something with his son but that is his only hope out of his entire family, the rest are done with him. I don't know if he just felt the need to talk, or if he was trying to make me feel guilty [i don't think so?] or expunge his guilt for not being with me anymore, I really don't know & I didn't know what to say. So I just told him that things will get better with time, that I wish him well, that I'm sorry for my part in this & to take care. He told me that he will always love me [which I do believe to be true - to the extent that he is able to love, I guess] & I told him the same & said best wishes. I don't know if that was a goof-up or not. It kind of gave me some closure because yesterday things ended pretty badly between us. I did want him to know I want him to be happy & wish him the best. I'm glad I got to tell him that. But it also hurt a lot to hear from him & I just want to forget about him for now & start moving on. So today is hard so far, although last night really wasn't that bad - more zombie-ish than emotional.
donnamaybe Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (((26pb))) I'm sorry you weren't allowed the privilege of knowing the real man at the onset, 'cause you could've run for the hills long ago. But - be thankful you are a smart gal and a strong enough one to say "I deserve better than this!" Good for you! You'll hurt for awhile, but it will pass and you will go on to MUCH better things.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 ((((hugs)))) 26pb. I'm sorry that it did not turn out as you'd hoped, but happy you had the strength to demand to be treated with respect and dignity and would not accept the same shoddy treatment he thought was acceptable for his BW. His attempt to blame you for his own misstep demonstrates his inability to accept responsibility for his role in the way things have worked out, which would be untenable longer-term in any kind of healthy R. The aftermath of leaving is a very rough and confusing time for the fMP, and one which offers great opportunities for reflection and reparations to address the issues which led to them engaging in an A. It does not sound as if your fMM was using that opportunity to grow and heal, but instead to try to shirk responsibility and ownership and to have others make things right for him. In TA terms, assuming the "child" role so that others (you, or his BW) would have to assume the "parent" role rather than relating adult to adult. Your strength is exemplary. Thank you for the kind words. I agree with you that this should have been a time for reflection but instead he was just running all over the place trying to appease everyone as usual instead of thinking about what he really wants & starting to be honest with himself & everyone else. I really think he is incapable of doing that. :-( I had to get away because it was clearly impossible for him to think about things with me in the picture - maybe it will still be impossible, Idk, but I couldn't handle it any more because it was hurting me. If he was stronger in his resolve to be with me I know we could have done it, but he clearly wasn't. I know he loved me, I know I loved him & gave him my all, I remember the good times & the love & I get sad but when I think of right this moment I know I had no choice but to leave him. I was doing him no good & he was doing me no good. I don't really know what TA means but yes, I was thinking of how he seems like a baby - & I don't mean that in a mean way but he just had no idea what he wanted, he looked to his wife, me, his family, to tell him that, but whenever he let us down he would start crying & placing blame. This is a grown, successful, intelligent man. I don't understand how he could act like that! I just don't 'get' it. But you're right, he was disrespecting me & using me just like he's done to his wife for who knows how long. I thought it would be different with him & me but I guess not. I guess that's just who he is & how he handles conflict, & I want something different, although I do miss him terribly & it does feel like I will always love him. Thank you for your help. I will try to remind myself that I'm strong & I need to stay strong.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 (((hugs))) I don't have much to add because everyone else has said it but just wanted to say that you seem to be a gracious and loving person, 26BP. I think after all this pain has lessened for you, you will see that this whole painful episode in your life was not the right thing for you. Hang in there, your kind and gracious nature will eventually lead you to the love that you deserve. In the meantime, take care of YOU! Try not to focus on him and do things that will make you feel better. Thanks, Snowflower. I really appreciate everyone's outflowing of encouragment! I already know it wasn't the right thing for me, I guess I just had to learn the hard way. In part I regret it & in part I don't. I don't regret falling in love & I just hope to do it with the right person for me next time! I am really trying to take care of me, I've started training for a race [which sadly I haven't done in way too long], I've planned a trip to go see my family, I'm trying to dedicate myself at work & I'm trying to come up with some routine for myself that doesn't involve pining over MM or planning my days around him like I did too much in the past. I am trying to love myself the way I loved MM. It doesn't seem to come as naturally though!
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 You just switched places with his wife, now you will be the wondering all the time........ You might now see the man the wife has always known, maybe you won't like that either........ Remember you have only seen the good sides, not the sides that hurt and lie. You are so right that I switched places with his wife & it wasn't a good place to be. I don't know how she does it but I guess that's not my concern. I had seen his bad sides before, & I guess I was hoping he would learn & grow. I guess that was silly. I do love him but I couldn't live with the bad aspects of his character that made him put himself before me, use my love, & tramble on the things I gave him. I guess she feels the same way. She can have him. I don't say that to be mean about him, or her, it's just that I have no idea how she can deal with him, & I don't want to anymore!
Silly_Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks, Snowflower. I really appreciate everyone's outflowing of encouragment! I already know it wasn't the right thing for me, I guess I just had to learn the hard way. In part I regret it & in part I don't. I don't regret falling in love & I just hope to do it with the right person for me next time! I am really trying to take care of me, I've started training for a race [which sadly I haven't done in way too long], I've planned a trip to go see my family, I'm trying to dedicate myself at work & I'm trying to come up with some routine for myself that doesn't involve pining over MM or planning my days around him like I did too much in the past. I am trying to love myself the way I loved MM. It doesn't seem to come as naturally though! Look how very far you've come in such a short period of time. He'll soon be a distant memory!!! You will be just fine
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 I am sorry he lied and it had to end this way for you. But you have maintained that when you were through you would know it and be able to do it. So you must have felt strongly about what happened. I hope that you can get past the pain. (((((26PB))))) I am sorry your heart is hurting right now. But happy that you feel a measure of strength. He is obviously more confused than he should be if he lied to you. And in that instance, you deserve more. It is sad that you were willing to be there for him and he still did that. The one person he could be honest with right now. He obviously is too confused and needs space from both of you to figure it out. Hopefully without you there he will give himself the space to do just that without running right back to a broken marriage. I don't even mean figure out if he wants you. I just mean figuring out how to either repair his marriage and if he even wants to. And if not, how to leave and settle into some routine that is healthy for him and his children. Then and only then will he be ready to make other decisions. And during that time, now that he has shown he can't use your strength without hurting you, you can move on and heal yourself. You can focus on you. I hope that no matter what you heal and find love. Real love. Love that everyone deserves. I hope that for everyone. Wow, I had just typed out a super long post about what happened & how he had lied. It was so long & now it is gone! Maybe that is the Universe's way of telling me I just typed it out to remind myself & that not everyone wanted to read my drivel?? Ha ha. Wow. That's crazy. How sad. Anyway, Jane, you are right that I was the one person he could be honest with, & that's the only thing I had asked from him, but he was incapable of giving me even that. I do deserve better.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Look how very far you've come in such a short period of time. He'll soon be a distant memory!!! You will be just fine Thanks Silly_Girl. I can't imagine that but I hope so. I mean I hope he will be a good distant memory & that I remember the good things about us without the pain & heartache when I think of him. I want to find a guy with his good qualities - passionate, driven, ambitious, successful, fun, funny, fun-loving, spontaneous, happy to be around me, happy to love life, sweet to me, good in bed, adventurous, exciting, handsome, active, in shape, always young at heart - but who also has important qualities that he unfortunately doesn't have - honesty, trustworthiness, the ability to commit & be stable in a relationship, unselfish, decisive, knows what he wants & acts on it & values what he has. Do you think this is possible or is it one or the other? I myself am not a traditionalist in that I'm not very domestic [okay I'm not domestic at all], I've never really wanted the picket fence & 2.5 kids & 9-5 & staying in one place for ever . . . I am adventurous & fun-loving & I think I would get bored with the same routine over & over & over. MM is the same way except that he wanted the image of all of that & the stability of having someone there for him always helping on the domestic front & making his life comfy, while he wanted to go out & have fun & forget about responsibility. I would like a balance but in many ways I think someone like MM is good for me because it keeps things exciting & we have a lot of similar interests & things we want to do in life. But I don't want to be hurt & lied to, & since we are no longer together, ideally I would want someone younger who hasn't been through it all & who I could start fresh with [although if MM & I were together this wouldn't bother me - I want him, but since it hasn't worked out then okay ideally I would like someone in my same stage of life]. To me it seems like there are good, plain-joe boring guys who like to sit around & play video games & watch movies, but who are steady eddies & wouldn't hurt me [but then there's no passion!], or there are fun, exciting guys who would spontaneously wisk me away to Europe or play on the beach etc. - but who are always looking for the next fun thing & always thinking about themselves & what they want next or in addition to me. Am I wrong about this - are there guys who are fun & adventurous but also stable & steady in relationships?
Author 26pointblue Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Wanted to add. Someone mentioned that they hope he really works on himself & decides what he wants instead of just running back to his broken marriage. Sadly I think he will just run back - or is in the process of that - & I understand that because it's all he's known & change is hard & he's realized all the hurt that he's caused. But I don't think he will ever really work on himself, I think he will just convince himself that he's doing the right thing by keeping the family together & he will just tough it out . . . but really he will be miserable [because he's miserable with himself] & the same pattern will just continue . . . but not with me, I won't let it. I hope this isn't true, I hope that if does go back he can really seriously concentrate on making it work & that it does work. But he said his wife said he isn't happy being married, it's not for him, & I agree with her. When he told me things his wife said it was like getting a glimpse of my future if I stayed with him - he doesn't like a domestic routine, he doesn't like coming home every night, he can't be satisifed with the family or marriage but instead has to look elsewhere. I don't particularly want traditional marriage [not ruling it out if I'm madly in love & feel that both of us can commit for life, but have never planned on it like it seems a lot of girls do] & I don't want a domestic routine day in & day out either [i'd rather hire a maid & cook - ha ha], but I do want someone who is satisfied with me & our relationship. For awhile I thought MM & I would be good together because we are both that way, but maybe I was just fooling myself & that no matter what he had with me he would still be running away from me, from himself, & looking for fulfillment elsewhere. I just want him to be happy & me to be happy.
lovingwhatis Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I just want him to be happy & me to be happy. This shows your character more than anything else, pointblue! I am glad to know you. I totally see this as the strength of your forgiveness. And yes, your analytical mind is really fine, and it is helping you in this. It's good you got closure too today, and now you can know that he didn't mean to be evil, he is at the present time incapable of giving more. And you, knowing your own worth, just chose you, that's all. Let the pain in. It is not as scary as we all make it out to be. IME allowing the pain fully really propels the greatest healing. When we run away from it, we end up postponing the inevitable and are only torturing ourselves in the meantime. Hugs!!!
Carrot2000 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 When he told me things his wife said it was like getting a glimpse of my future if I stayed with him - he doesn't like a domestic routine, he doesn't like coming home every night, he can't be satisifed with the family or marriage but instead has to look elsewhere. The only thing broken in his marriage is him. As old as he is, he's not ready to grow up. He wants to go out and play and be adventurous (and adulterous) while his wife does all of the stuff that's not fun, like coming home every night and being responsible for the upbringing of the children they brought into the world. That horrible domestic routine he hates? It's called stability. And as much as he claims to despise routine, he craves it. His boredom with family life? It's actually immaturity and poor impulse. His inability to work out of the mechanics of ending his marriage? That's just his way of fulfilling his need for a wife (stability) and a mistress (adventure). From the sounds of it, his wife is no longer interested in making him happy. And from this point forward, his happiness or unhappiness is no longer any of your concern, either.
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