Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Him leaving and divorcing should happen, reguardless if you're there or not. This kind of concerns me. Especially the part I bolded. And even if you DID pull back due to having issues and trust, which rightfully so you SHOULD have seeing as he's been back and forth so many times, it STILL shouldn't make a difference to him in the sense of divorcing. Makes me wonder that if you told him you werent' sure if you could be there or wait, he would beg and go back home, not divorce. So, is he leaving her and the kids to be with you or he is leaving because he doesn't love his wife anymore and would be okay and would rather be on his own..Again, reguardless if you're in the picture or not. Something to think about...... I think I have a slightly different view on this, I get that he would be divorcing 'for' me in that, he probably wouldn't be doing it if it weren't for me, at least not right now. He wasn't fulfilled with his marriage but wanted to keep the family together. He said that he couldn't imagine it being just him & his wife when the kids are gone, which will be rather soon because they're teenagers, but obviously I couldn't wait that long, & so he is doing it sooner, or was deciding whether to do it sooner I suppose, because he wanted to be with me & didn't want to miss that opportunity. I get that because I think while ideally he would leave on his own, it's easier once you have someone there that you really want to be with. I would plan to put the kids first. His daughter is very mad at him right now & doesn't want to be around him, understandably so, & would probably never accept me. His son just wants to be near his dad, & I realize that MM needs a place to bring him to stay as much as he wants & that I wouldn't be around them when they are together for quite awhile, while all the dust settles, & I have no problem with that. I can do anything for him if I feel he is making me a priority & not an option. [And I certainly don't want his kids to suffer any more than they are.] Right now it's too early for me to say if he is doing that or not . . . it's just a concern that is weighing on me.
Irishlove Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 My MM and I did this. We did it with the wife throwing him out and then they started talking trying to work it out. Then MM left living with his parents (he is fifty) and all the while waiting and talking to divorce attorneys. She found out about us again Sunday and I thought the divorce was final and now he isn't talking to me. If he has kids with his W you are going to hate it because it's THIER family, THIER memories and she WILL eventually be alone with him. Hope you can handle what you're in for. MM and I lived together and that was harder than sneaking around. His W was always in the picture because of thier adult child. Always a birthday or grandbaby around. Sheesh. I hope it works for you.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I just wonder how you will know if he "chooses" you. What will be the big thing that says, Yes, I pick you, because I want you, not because I have no other choice? How will you know that he doesn't even want that choice, that he does truly just want you? It's going to be hard. And giving up a marriage is confusing enough without an A. You(general) are losing a friend. Someone you care for deeply. The love you have for them, although ackbasswards, is usually the reason you stayed in the first place. And now that you are leaving, you are losing them, and that in and of itself is hard. And then you have the children and visits to figure out. So I'm sure he will be reeling for awhile even though he does love you. But how do you know how much of it is from all the issues, and if any of it is because he may want her back? Just keep coming here and posting and time will tell. And you can read what you are writing as time goes on and read back threads and see more clearly maybe. Also, he may be confused sometimes and think he wants her back. He did before though, so maybe this time around he will remember some of those feelings and see them for what they are. Missing her is not the same as wanting to be with her. You miss a person and the life you had doesn't mean you want to be lovers with them. It's only natural to miss good times you had with someone. As to your first paragraph- I feel like I know him well & will know whether he is feeling sure or unsure. Right now I think he is feeling unsure but I also think it could be because of all the guilt, shock of how it took place [yeah he should have been expecting it but I guess one never really does], & other overwhelming feelings. And there are certain ways I will know if he is still hiding me. Affair-type things that I no longer want to be there if he is really getting divorced & being with me. I know there is a fine line between doing things that could hurt his wife & children unnecessarily more, or hurt his divorce case, & things that mean he is still treating me like an affair & still trying to get back with her or unsure - as if he is waiting to see whether he even has a chance to try, which right now she has made it clear he doesn't. I feel I will know whether he is choosing me unequivocally or not, even though I realize it won't be a 'normal' relationship for quite some time. As to your second paragraph, that is what I think too. Yes he will miss being all together as a family, his home, even his wife, they were married for a really long time, I think it's natural. But if he really loved & respected her he wouldn't have kept coming back to me. I know the flip side of that is to ask myself if he really loved & respected me he would take steps to get divorced. I also know that it's a very hard decision & process & I was trying to be patient. I suppose my patience has a limit & after telling him I needed a decision, after him telling me he had decided to be with me & then subsequently getting pretty much kicked out or whatever, if he still can't tell me he knows he is getting divorced & wants to be with me, not her, then I can't continue. I will be living a half-life & helping him shoulder all of this when there is no guarantee we will end up together. I know there is never a guarantee but if he could just tell me [& I will know if he is being honest, I can tell] & show me that he is sure he wants me, which means sure he is getting divorced, then I can do it. If not, no.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I can tell you love this man, but you also want to mitigate any hurt his ex may feel. There's not much else you can do. But yes - you MUST protect yourself. You do deserve to be shown you were chosen, and not by default but by design. I wouldn't be able to feel good in your circumstance otherwise. I totally get that. Thank you for the support. You are saying exactly what I feel, but a lot more succinctly. He just called briefly, we are both busy with work & in & out of our offices, & told me he is seeing his kids tonight. I asked him if his daughter has agreed to see him [because she is very mad at him & said she won't forgive him] and he said no, just his son. I asked him if his wife is letting him in the house to see him & he said he assumes so, & if not he will just pick his son up & take him out somewhere. I asked him what he is going to do with all the stuff in his truck & he said he left a lot of it at his parents, in a neighboring city, & that they want him to stay with him. I said this means we won't get to be together much [while it was an affair we were together every day] & he said it's just the beginning stages & to hang in there. I got rather frustrated & said what I had just been writing on here - that I still don't feel that he's made the decision to be with me, that he just got kicked out, & I have no way to know if he's still trying to get back w/ his wife, or considering that, or what, & that if he wants me to give him my all, which is what he always says, he needs to do the same in return. I said I understand he's going through a lot & I understand we aren't going to be able to be in a 'normal' relationship now & will have to make some concessions, but I need to feel that I am his choice. Then I had to go because my boss called me into a meeting. The last thing I said was to think about it from my point of view & he said okay & that he understands. Well. This is not a pretty place to be in. I do not want to be an extra demand on him but I also don't want to lose myself in this.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 My MM and I did this. We did it with the wife throwing him out and then they started talking trying to work it out. Then MM left living with his parents (he is fifty) and all the while waiting and talking to divorce attorneys. She found out about us again Sunday and I thought the divorce was final and now he isn't talking to me. If he has kids with his W you are going to hate it because it's THIER family, THIER memories and she WILL eventually be alone with him. Hope you can handle what you're in for. MM and I lived together and that was harder than sneaking around. His W was always in the picture because of thier adult child. Always a birthday or grandbaby around. Sheesh. I hope it works for you. MM told me yesterday he is going to stay at a friend's house, where he's stayed before when he was separated, for a couple days & then look for a house to rent this weekend. Now he says he dropped stuff off at his parents who live in a different city & they want him to stay with him. I don't know if he means until he finds a place or what. I am going ot get this clarified because I think living with his parents means he is trying to get back w/ his wife & yes it's ridiculous because he is over 50!!!!! If he is going to stay w/ his parents then it is going to be without me in the picture because obviously that shows me there is no room for me! I wouldn't mind if he went to kids' birthday stuff etc. with her. I understand they have a history of being a family & I don't want to erase that. I just want him to show that he is with me. Eventually he would need to bring me to stuff too & to get there he is going to have to be okay with divorcing her & moving on with me, which, at this point I'm not sure if he is. I understand that him saying he is with me can't happen this minute but I need something more to happen then him living with his parents & keeping us in the dark longer wondering what he is saying to her & if he is trying to get back with her. That would drive me crazy & I would have to move on & get on with my life even though I love him. I'm sorry this happened to you. :-( It seems that when they leave things get way harder & more complicated. But still we think that it means we're getting somewhere. Apparently not.
donnamaybe Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I asked him what he is going to do with all the stuff in his truck & he said he left a lot of it at his parents, in a neighboring city, & that they want him to stay with him. I said this means we won't get to be together much [while it was an affair we were together every day] & he said it's just the beginning stages & to hang in there. This is a good sign though! He SHOULD move somewhere NOT in with you for now. You don't need to be his salvation. You need to be his one and only. He needs to do for himself first, and then you can both do for the both of you when the time is right. I got rather frustrated & said what I had just been writing on here - that I still don't feel that he's made the decision to be with me, that he just got kicked out, & I have no way to know if he's still trying to get back w/ his wife, or considering that, or what, & that if he wants me to give him my all, which is what he always says, he needs to do the same in return. I said I understand he's going through a lot & I understand we aren't going to be able to be in a 'normal' relationship now & will have to make some concessions, but I need to feel that I am his choice. Then I had to go because my boss called me into a meeting. The last thing I said was to think about it from my point of view & he said okay & that he understands. Well. This is not a pretty place to be in. I do not want to be an extra demand on him but I also don't want to lose myself in this.Well, the frustration aside, I don't think you were too demanding. You simply declared your feelings on the whole thing. Nothing wrong with that. And the fact that he is okay with you having those feelings is good. Many people try to tell you "but you shouldn't feel that way!" which is SO wrong. We feel how we feel, and there's not much we can do to change that. Just be strong and keep your eyes open. Everything will eventually sort itself out. Just look after yourself!
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 This is a good sign though! He SHOULD move somewhere NOT in with you for now. You don't need to be his salvation. You need to be his one and only. He needs to do for himself first, and then you can both do for the both of you when the time is right. I don't think he should live with me but I think he should rent his own place like he told me he was planning to do. I think staying with his parents would be a way to show his wife he's not with me & he's trying to get her back. Plus we would never see each other because for one thing he is with his parents & for another thing they live an hour away. Well, the frustration aside, I don't think you were too demanding. You simply declared your feelings on the whole thing. Nothing wrong with that. And the fact that he is okay with you having those feelings is good. Many people try to tell you "but you shouldn't feel that way!" which is SO wrong. We feel how we feel, and there's not much we can do to change that. Just be strong and keep your eyes open. Everything will eventually sort itself out. Just look after yourself! Yes, I always tell him how I feel & he always listens & tries to understand. I do appreciate that about him. Sometimes he gives me the 'please be patient' or 'this is how we have to do things' lines & right now I just can't handle that. I know things aren't going to be magically great but I need to protect my heart & if he is giving me signs that he wants to stay married then I just can't do this anymore, the bad outweighs the good now, with no promises of being together in the end.
donnamaybe Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't think he should live with me but I think he should rent his own place like he told me he was planning to do. I think staying with his parents would be a way to show his wife he's not with me & he's trying to get her back. Plus we would never see each other because for one thing he is with his parents & for another thing they live an hour away.But he has to have a decent rental, and he needs a little time to look. I know, he could have looked before, but now that things are moving on (we think), he has to have SOMEWHERE to live until he finds his own place. Just wait and watch.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't think he should live with me but I think he should rent his own place like he told me he was planning to do. I think staying with his parents would be a way to show his wife he's not with me & he's trying to get her back. Plus we would never see each other because for one thing he is with his parents & for another thing they live an hour away. he should be alone, live alone and learn how to BE alone...But, moving in with his folks is happening for lots of reasons.. Support, and I think (could be wrong but I doubt it) it'll save HIM money. No rent. He'll still be paying for the house and probably child support too so if he can save $$ by living with his mom and dad for a few months, he'll do it.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 An hour drive isn't that far or long. It may seem like it but it isn't. I do have to add, if you are feeling frustrated and he's not doing what you think he should do or how he's handling things, (his daughter, his son, when he does or doesn't see his (ex) wife in the future etc..) Don't ask questions that have to do with the 'ending of his marriage'. He has to do it his way. Handle it his way and react his way.. It's setting yourself up for pain because you know right now he can't and doesn't have it in him to MAKE a go and relationship work with you at the moment. He needs to fix himself first so expect less from him in the next bunch of months. I'd say by summer if he isn't moving along with his plan, then you need to re think everything, or even more so come Fall if things aren't falling into place.
Carrot2000 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 The next day, yesterday, is when I started to have concern about what's really up, because he told me he told his kids that Mom is making him move out, obviously different than what he told me. The bolded part, watch out for this. I can understand not wanting his kids to hate him, but he's making his wife the bad guy in the whole thing. Also, he's *kinda* leaving the door open for his return by telling the kids mom kicked him out instead of telling them he's leaving. Even if he doesn't go back, he's setting things up where the kids may believe it's a possibility, creating a situation where he may tell you at some point that he has to go home "for the kids". Anyway, things are too new and everything happened too suddenly to have all of the answers right now. Just be prepared for a lot of turmoil on his part and as important as it is for you to support him, don't totally bury your needs in an effort to meet his. There is such a thing as being too supportive! If he is truly in this relationship for the long haul, he'll appreciate you giving him a kick in the butt when needed instead of viewing your actions as rejection or doubt. Hang in there!
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 he should be alone, live alone and learn how to BE alone...But, moving in with his folks is happening for lots of reasons.. Support, and I think (could be wrong but I doubt it) it'll save HIM money. No rent. He'll still be paying for the house and probably child support too so if he can save $$ by living with his mom and dad for a few months, he'll do it. Money is not the issue. He has a successful established career & makes a lot of money... much more than his parents who are in their 70's. And no I'm not a gold-digger, ha ha, I'm in the same career although not as established as him yet.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 An hour drive isn't that far or long. It may seem like it but it isn't. I do have to add, if you are feeling frustrated and he's not doing what you think he should do or how he's handling things, (his daughter, his son, when he does or doesn't see his (ex) wife in the future etc..) Don't ask questions that have to do with the 'ending of his marriage'. He has to do it his way. Handle it his way and react his way.. It's setting yourself up for pain because you know right now he can't and doesn't have it in him to MAKE a go and relationship work with you at the moment. He needs to fix himself first so expect less from him in the next bunch of months. I'd say by summer if he isn't moving along with his plan, then you need to re think everything, or even more so come Fall if things aren't falling into place. I understand. But if he is still trying to get back with his wife &/or lying to her about seeing me, then I am done. I've just had enough of that & this is too painful to do that way.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 But he has to have a decent rental, and he needs a little time to look. I know, he could have looked before, but now that things are moving on (we think), he has to have SOMEWHERE to live until he finds his own place. Just wait and watch. Well he was supposed to move into his friend's house. He lived there before when it was empty & I think it's still empty but either way he had told me that's where he was going to stay until he found a place to rent.
greengoddess Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 three things make me very nervous for you. One is she is letting him see their son already tonight. He just left. I worry he is seeing his son as an excuse to glimpse his wife. Two his telling you all about how much his daughter hates him now. He did not need to share this and honestly would his daughter have conveyed this to him already. It makes me nervous that that will be the excuse if he isn't ready to leave yet. Kids really don't usually hate their parents. Three moving in with mom and dad signifies see I am behaving I am being watched by my parents and I am not going out playing the single life. Please protect your heart. He may mean what he says when he talks to you but get all confused when he talks to his wife and vice versa.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 The bolded part, watch out for this. I can understand not wanting his kids to hate him, but he's making his wife the bad guy in the whole thing. Also, he's *kinda* leaving the door open for his return by telling the kids mom kicked him out instead of telling them he's leaving. Even if he doesn't go back, he's setting things up where the kids may believe it's a possibility, creating a situation where he may tell you at some point that he has to go home "for the kids". Anyway, things are too new and everything happened too suddenly to have all of the answers right now. Just be prepared for a lot of turmoil on his part and as important as it is for you to support him, don't totally bury your needs in an effort to meet his. There is such a thing as being too supportive! If he is truly in this relationship for the long haul, he'll appreciate you giving him a kick in the butt when needed instead of viewing your actions as rejection or doubt. Hang in there! To your first paragraph- exactly. This is what I fear he's doing. To your second paragraph- I am trying to find that balance for sure. He does appreciate when I call him on his ****. Yet I know he has so much going on right now that my needs may be too much of a burden for him. I need to find out if he is sure he is getting divorced or not. If he's unsure, I don't feel I should be in the picture. For one thing I will be placing all my bets on someone who isn't sure he wants me [or, sure that he is going to do what it takes to have me for real], & for another thing I don't know how he could have clarity to decide if I'm in the picture. I feel like the make it or break it time has come, for either he & me or him & his wife, & if he is still unsure then how do I know he will ever be sure?
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Money is not the issue. He has a successful established career & makes a lot of money... much more than his parents who are in their 70's. And no I'm not a gold-digger, ha ha, I'm in the same career although not as established as him yet. Oh no, that wasn't towards you or anything, I just figured he would save money by staying with his parents, and also he won't be living 'alone'. Going from having a family, a house full of people to noone and being "alone" isn't easy. Just assumed he didn't want to spend extra money if he didn't have to.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I understand. But if he is still trying to get back with his wife &/or lying to her about seeing me, then I am done. I've just had enough of that & this is too painful to do that way. Right now if she knew he was still seeing you, how would it impact their divorce (settlement)? Yup if he is playing both of you, both sides so he can leave the door open a crack in the future, try things out with you and if they don't work he can run back home, then yeah, you should be pissed and end it.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 three things make me very nervous for you. One is she is letting him see their son already tonight. He just left. I worry he is seeing his son as an excuse to glimpse his wife. Two his telling you all about how much his daughter hates him now. He did not need to share this and honestly would his daughter have conveyed this to him already. It makes me nervous that that will be the excuse if he isn't ready to leave yet. Kids really don't usually hate their parents. Three moving in with mom and dad signifies see I am behaving I am being watched by my parents and I am not going out playing the single life. Please protect your heart. He may mean what he says when he talks to you but get all confused when he talks to his wife and vice versa. The whole son thing has me confused. Maybe he is really seeing her. Maybe he is using the son as an excuse to see her. I hate doubting him like this but he is acting strange. He said he wanted out, now he's out, & it's like he's gotten more distant & confused. I know his daughter hates him. She was mad at him the last time he moved out & when he told them yesterday he said she said that she'll never forgive him for hurting her mom again. I believe him on this. Maybe he didn't have to share it with me but he always shares everything w/ me & it was really bothering him. He also said his wife told her about what happened when she found us together - she & her mom are very close & her mom had told her about the affair & why he moved out, before. I agree with the thing about him living with his parents. I told him things seem weird between us & I need to talk to him tonight & he said he will come over after he sees his son. His answers are choppy short - agreeable but like he doesn't want to say much. There is a huge change in his demeanor & I understand that a lot has happened & he feels overwhelmed but I don't understand the nature of the situation & I need to. I want to ask him whether he is sure he wants to be with me & get divorced. If he says he's unsure, I can't give him my all. I will still be here for him but I need to have my own life & not center it on him. I feel like that's reasonable but I don't want him to feel like he doesn't have my support or I don't want to be with him. I want him to know I want to be with him but we can only work if he's decided to make us work & if not he's going to further complicate things for everyone & I can no longer be a part of that. Please give me any input as I'm trying to stay sane right now! This is crazy.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Oh no, that wasn't towards you or anything, I just figured he would save money by staying with his parents, and also he won't be living 'alone'. Going from having a family, a house full of people to noone and being "alone" isn't easy. Just assumed he didn't want to spend extra money if he didn't have to. Maybe you are right but my issue is how do I know? Last time he lived in a friend's house &then rented another place . . . he has never mentioned anything about rent money being a concern, & he does have other places to stay. So I really feel he is doing it like GreenGoddess said to show her he is being good. I don't know how else to know for sure except my gut instinct. And I will talk to him tonight about how long he means he is planning to stay there. I guess my biggest fear is that I need him to be honest with me & I'm not sure if he's going to be - but I can read him & I think I will know - but it just bothers me if he can't be honest with me. I feel he is at the point to be honest w/ me even if it means losing me, & I just hope I'm right. I am ready for this madness to end - I want it to end w/ us being together but if it doesn't work out that way I still want it to end. I need peace about it one way or the other.
Author 26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Right now if she knew he was still seeing you, how would it impact their divorce (settlement)? Yup if he is playing both of you, both sides so he can leave the door open a crack in the future, try things out with you and if they don't work he can run back home, then yeah, you should be pissed and end it. I don't know. He said his lawyer told him to keep me on the down-low & not move in w/ me or make it obvious because the judge will look down on it. But I need to ask him what that means. We had stopped calling/texting awhile ago b/c his wife had blocked my number, & we just used bbm & work phones. Now he still hasn't unblocked me & this really hurts me. If it is because he doesn't want her to know we are talking . . . then we haven't really gotten anywhere at all & I need to end things for my sanity's sake. And if it's because he doesn't want a record of calls for his divorce proceedings . . . well, first there needs to be a divorce in the works for that to even be a concern!, & second how long is he going to hide me away like that, when the whole purpose of being divorced is supposed to be to be together? It is very frustrating & I don't want to mess up his divorce but I don't want to be naive & think he's even getting divorced if he's really trying to keep both still. I hate doubting him like this, I really love him.
Jane Deaux Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Is it possible he is just going to stay at his parents house because this time he did get kicked out. He didn't have a plan in action and so it does take time to find a place to live. Where else would he stay right now till he can find a place? And does he not work in your city? Doesn't that mean he will drive there most of the week? And his kids are there. You will see him if you want to. Maybe not as much, because some of this time will be dedicated to his kids. If I were in his position or my husband were, my kids would see me or him every night at first. And maybe for good. That's just how much we love them and want to see them. Neither of us can imagine not seeing our children every day. I just think he is in shock right now. Probably very lost on account of his whole life changing. He has told people though and that is a start. Once friends and family know it is easier to move on. One of the decisions to keep someone in a marriage is not wanting to hurt the friends and family that you feel are also somehow invested in your relationship as well. Strange yes, but true.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You don't know..All I can say is, time will tell. All this JUST happened and it's new, so many changes so he IS going to talk and see his wife on occasion, that's a given. Don't assume the worst and don't assume that things are moving along as quickly as he says it will. Step back, detach from details, stop asking him stuff about this and that, that's his business and how he ends his marriage has to be done his way. There are things that he shouldn't involve you in because it's not fair to you and it's stressful. Focus on you and your life. Don'tget caught up in his drama right now. It IS drama, his son, his daughter, dealing with family, inlaws, etc .. HIS problem, not yours. He has nothing to "give" to you and what you two share right now cannot 'grow' or have effort put in until his old life is dealt with properly. Put a time limit on this for your own sake and sanity. Either summer or mid summer.. You don't want to be where you are now come September, kind of in the affair still and him not really gone from his marriage.
Irishlove Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You have got a lot to think about. My MM that moved out to his parents also went to see the grandchildren at thier house. And thier daughter hated him which is one of the reasons he had an excuse to not bring me into the open. He lived with the parents like another poster said "look at me...I'm right here where I am safe and thinking". FYI My MM has the company and could have gotten his own place. He didn't because he planned on being with both of us and could only do that by being at his parents. Don't be surprised if you get the 'lets take it slow' talk. I really hope this works out for you. Just pointing out that it's been done before. He is not original. We don't want your heart hurt
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't know. He said his lawyer told him to keep me on the down-low & not move in w/ me or make it obvious because the judge will look down on it. But I need to ask him what that means. It means he'll be paying triple the amount if she can prove your involvement and the on going affair. The judge will sympathize with his wife and he'll suffer for it since she did catch him and kick him out. HE needs things to be calm. Since his lawyer has advised him to handle things that way, sorry but you need to respect that. It might make things worse if you don't. Again, time will tell as to what happens and where he goes next.
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