rainier Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi, My interest is about NC and how to try not to expect them to contact you once they "officially" broke it off. MM tried to end it many times but comes backs. Each time he got close and then pulls back. He claims he loves his wife In the meantime, due to insecurity( I realize now) I became quite clingy, then his wife found a note and he tried to end it again but then came back. He told me that he no longer could deal with the guilt and has tried to break it off before but knew I did not want to " so stayed with it as not to hurt me". I was so angry and felt so pitiful like I was a charity case! He said he would not even think of starting up again as not to hurt me more BUT he also said he wants to check in on me and I will hear from him in the future somewhere. It has only been 3 days of NC and I am so mad!!!!! at myself for waiting to see if he will contacts me. I know that I should just try to focus on moving forward and expecting him to contact me is just delay my progress.How do you push yourself through to the other side? One part is relieved that if he contacts me, it means he still cares and the other part thinks it is best to maintain NC and even change my phone number. How do you escape this hopeful thinking!?
Amour7 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I feel bad that no one is replying to you. I am no authority on NC but it sounds like you know what would be smart to help yourself move on. Changing your number would be a huge step and a big statement. You could also block his number on your phone. Best of luck to you. There is a lot of good advice around here about staying in NC that you can find on other threads.
Jane Deaux Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Personally I feel the only way to get past the hopeful thinking is to do some deeeeep digging in your heart and think it over, rethink it and keep telling yourself that He ISN'T! Then, Time. Give it time and keep telling yourself, over and over that you will get past it and it's OKAY if he does not contact you. So time and playing tricks on your own mind. That should do the trick.
BB07 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Sorry your post was missed Ranier and I'm sorry that you are in pain. Here is some good info on NC. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ It's tough, and you have withdrawal but it does get easier. Treat yourself well and go out with friends and family. Find joy in your life that you've put on the backburner. Go have some fun, even though you don't want to. Remember that to make the roller coaster stop, you actually have to get off of it.
spice4life Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi, My interest is about NC and how to try not to expect them to contact you once they "officially" broke it off. MM tried to end it many times but comes backs. Each time he got close and then pulls back. He claims he loves his wife In the meantime, due to insecurity( I realize now) I became quite clingy, then his wife found a note and he tried to end it again but then came back. He told me that he no longer could deal with the guilt and has tried to break it off before but knew I did not want to " so stayed with it as not to hurt me". I was so angry and felt so pitiful like I was a charity case! He said he would not even think of starting up again as not to hurt me more BUT he also said he wants to check in on me and I will hear from him in the future somewhere. It has only been 3 days of NC and I am so mad!!!!! at myself for waiting to see if he will contacts me. I know that I should just try to focus on moving forward and expecting him to contact me is just delay my progress.How do you push yourself through to the other side? One part is relieved that if he contacts me, it means he still cares and the other part thinks it is best to maintain NC and even change my phone number. How do you escape this hopeful thinking!? Blocking all avenues in which he can contact you will give you peace. You will not be waiting for contact and it will allow you to heal. As far as he goes, based on what he told you, tell him in a short text or email to not contact you again in any way because you would like to move on and not be hurt anymore. If he conatcts you after that and has no intention of changing his situation, then he is just fishing for an ego boost. It means he is looking for some kind of validation outside of his marriage to keep him in it. Don't be THAT person.
Author rainier Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 thank you for your replies. Maybe I seem so pathetic and it is so obvious that people don't feel the need to respond. Either way, I am fighting it each day and trying to stay strong. I am with friends everyday, a few who know the situation who I can talk to, and then others to take my mind off. Mostly I feel like such a fool that while I sit hear and pine for him, he could care less and feels good to be rid of me. That should be my motivation yet I still hurt. thank you all. I come a lot for wisdom and clarity so thank you.
Amour7 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 thank you for your replies. Maybe I seem so pathetic and it is so obvious that people don't feel the need to respond. Either way, I am fighting it each day and trying to stay strong. I am with friends everyday, a few who know the situation who I can talk to, and then others to take my mind off. Mostly I feel like such a fool that while I sit hear and pine for him, he could care less and feels good to be rid of me. That should be my motivation yet I still hurt. thank you all. I come a lot for wisdom and clarity so thank you. Rainier, you don't seem pathetic to me. I completely feel for you and your pain. Please try to be kinder to yourself and try not to label yourself so negatively. I start to have more compassion toward myself when I hear others' stories. I can get really down on myself, too, and think how stupid or weak I was, but when I recognize myself in others' stories on here, it helps. Keep leaning on your friends. Hang in there. Let me know how you're doing with NC.
JadedAmore Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I agree, first and foremost you need to try to stop being so hard on yourself. Let's face it, the heart wants what the heart wants and that in no way makes you pathetic. I do think it would be beneficial and probably healthier for you if you cut off all ties with him. Block his number, block his emails, change your own number, whatever it takes. If he finds a way to get a hold of you then that would be a great opportunity to put your foot down and tell him that you are moving on, and he needs to leave you be. I'm 6 weeks into NC. The first week probably hurt the worst, but as time has been passing I've found more to keep myself busy and I've found that he is crossing my mind less and less. Hang in there and keep your chin high. Hugs!
Author rainier Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Well, after four days he sent me a text. "hope this reaches you and you are doing well". It seems like such a pity text or is he trying to keep some contact? Not sure if he is looking for a reply or best if I ignore him. I have been up and down. Has anyone been in this situation where you did one thing and then hoped you had done another or best way to approach. If you did contact him, was it just more heartbreak?
TinaniT Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Well, after four days he sent me a text. "hope this reaches you and you are doing well". It seems like such a pity text or is he trying to keep some contact? Not sure if he is looking for a reply or best if I ignore him. I have been up and down. Has anyone been in this situation where you did one thing and then hoped you had done another or best way to approach. If you did contact him, was it just more heartbreak? If you want NC, don't reply. Lots of these stories where something like that has led to more hurt, and opened up more contact. Countereffective. In your situation, it sounds like NC might be good for a while because he's just going to rekindle what you are feeling - like a knife jabbing you each time. Do you agree? I don't know you, so it's just a guess on your post.
Amour7 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Well, after four days he sent me a text. "hope this reaches you and you are doing well". It seems like such a pity text or is he trying to keep some contact? Not sure if he is looking for a reply or best if I ignore him. I have been up and down. Has anyone been in this situation where you did one thing and then hoped you had done another or best way to approach. If you did contact him, was it just more heartbreak? Well, he said he was going to contact you, right? And you felt like a charity case. You could prove to him that you don't need him checking in on you by not replying. He probably gets some satisfaction in watching over you. I'd recommend not giving him anymore satisfaction. This is a chance for you to prove you can be strong. I know it is so much easier to see this clearly from the outside. If I got a text from my xMM right now, I am sure I would have to struggle against major urges to respond. Best of luck. Keep updating us. Hugs.
Author rainier Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 thanks for posts. I wish I had followed through with what I know I should do instead of giving in at a weak moment. I text back saying I was fine thanx. He text back with details of what he has been doing and glad I was well. I was so mad at myself since it was all about him again! Does he really think I am well? Or did I just do what I didn't want to and give him the satisfaction of being let off the hook? NC really probably is the way to go since now I am back to wondering if he will contact me or why he contacted me.... I am learning from all of you out there and know I will come out on the other side but it seems so far away
JadedAmore Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I think maintaining the NC sounds like what is best for you. I'm not faulting you at all for texting back because it's a hard urge to resist, but take a look at what you've done to yourself now.. you feel as if you've shot yourself in the foot and now you've got to start over with NC. Is it possible to block his number? If so, I would look into that. I ended up blocking xMM's number because not only was I dead set on maintaining the NC, but I didn't want to give myself the false hope that he may one day try to get a hold of me to see 'how I'm doing' (i.e. he wants to know if I miss him). When you break off a relationship, AP, EP, or even a regular relationship.. it's going to hurt. That person that you've come to care so deeply for has been suddenly ripped away from your life, it's similar to a death. You're going to grieve and miss him, but if you don't allow yourself the opportunity to move on it's going to continue to hurt, and it's unhealthy to subject yourself to that. Hugs! Stay strong, we're all were with you.
fooled once Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Well, after four days he sent me a text. "hope this reaches you and you are doing well". It seems like such a pity text or is he trying to keep some contact? Not sure if he is looking for a reply or best if I ignore him. I have been up and down. Has anyone been in this situation where you did one thing and then hoped you had done another or best way to approach. If you did contact him, was it just more heartbreak? He is reaching out to you for HIS ego boost. He knows that each time he breaks it off and hurts you, you allow him to come back into your life. IF you really are done - block his number OR change your number. NC is about finding YOU again - not about playing games or making him miss you so he will come back. YOU have the power over YOUR life. Either be done with him or accept being his mistress when he it suits HIS needs. Personally, I think you deserve better. But ultimately it is up to you. You have a life before him; you will have a life after him. Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Well, after four days he sent me a text. "hope this reaches you and you are doing well". It seems like such a pity text or is he trying to keep some contact? Not sure if he is looking for a reply or best if I ignore him. I have been up and down. Has anyone been in this situation where you did one thing and then hoped you had done another or best way to approach. If you did contact him, was it just more heartbreak? He's fishing. Sending you a little hey text to see if you'll take the bait and react to it. Do not contact him. There's no point! Remember WHY you're doing NC. Stay strong and delete the text. Is it possible to block his number on your cell? Also, block his email address.
Flabbergaster Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Don't worry about longing or hoping for him to contact you...just GET THROUGH without breaking NC yourself. rainier you gotta just make it through the first week or two of nc. Ignore his texts, delete w/o reading. If it happens more than once or twice, respond one time w "Please do not communicate to me further. I am deleting any messages, unread." The first bit of nc is really hard...then it gets easier. block communication paths; block him as an email sender, del his phone number. Delete or move all emails and sms from him so you can't find them. move all souvenirs into a box and get them out of your reach. It hurts. badly. very badly. just do it and it gets easier.
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