Time to get this out - First Post

[Pens55]

Hi all, first off, my ex broke it off with me about 3 months ago and like so many others, I've been hanging out here in the shadows. If nothing else, these forums let me know Im not alone. So thank you all.

 

But I think its time that I get this off of my chest, maybe it'll help me work my situation out a bit. My ex and I were together for about a year before the split, and I can honestly say we (def. me, hopefully her) were really in love. We had very few even minor fights and really cared a lot about each other.

 

One night really sticks out in my mind now as a red flag: We had a fairly small fight, and she got very emotional. Then she told me about childhood sexual abuse that happened when she was a child and tearfully told me "I'm going to hurt you someday." When she told me these things, it didnt change my mind at all - I was all in and let her cry while I tried to comfort her. After that night, it really wasnt brought up. I also know she's had rough relationships in her past and her family life was rough when she was a child.

 

Flash forward to a month before we broke up. One day, it was just totally different - she would not see me, became angry when I talked about my feelings and she told me she had been feeling depressed/anxious, but it just seemed to overtake her suddenly. This went on for a month, where we really didnt see each other at all and were fighting a lot due to me trying to help and her getting angry (Ive had pretty serious bouts with anxiety/depression and am very comfortable with both ailments now). Now I know what really helped me when I was in my states, so I tried to impress positive coping skills on her - but she preferred to try to avoid the feelings and shut down.

 

She finally broke up with me the day after Christmas, with the excuse "I am just so scared of you (emotionally) hurting me." We continued to text, and of course, I was crushed, so I pressed for answers. Over the next couple months she would show extreme anger and almost a state of psychosis (probably not, but just my metaphor). She continues to seem to justify her breaking up with me by telling me it was something that was my fault (which, in my opinion, isnt the case in any significant sense). The recurring theme is that she has self-described "issues" and she seems to feel the need to run and "hurt others before they hurt her."

 

She will occassionally send me a message in which she seems like she misses me, but then pulls back (yeah, crumbs, I know). But she also became very manic after our breakup and talked to several of her ex's (dont know what, if anything happened).

 

I got to the point a few days ago where it was just too hard to hold out hope anymore. Im trying to keep my phone away from me I went through, and am still going thru, anger and sadness cycles...but in my head, I hope I can start believing 1 of 2 things:

 

1. She does not care for me anymore or

2. There are serious psychological issues which I cannot fix

 

If its the latter, it really kills me because she was such a wonderful person for a year. If its number 1, I can just be bitter and get on with my life more easily. I know either way, I really need to protect my emotions - I'm just the kind of person that really believes the best in people. I guess that kinda bit me in the @ss. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant and thanks for your stories and experiences, which have helped me a lot in my coping.

Edited April 5, 2011 by Pens55

[whatdoido1717]

Hi all, first off, my ex broke it off with me about 3 months ago and like so many others, I've been hanging out here in the shadows. If nothing else, these forums let me know Im not alone. So thank you all.

 

But I think its time that I get this off of my chest, maybe it'll help me work my situation out a bit. My ex and I were together for about a year before the split, and I can honestly say we (def. me, hopefully her) were really in love. We had very few even minor fights and really cared a lot about each other.

 

One night really sticks out in my mind now as a red flag: We had a fairly small fight, and she got very emotional. Then she told me about childhood sexual abuse that happened when she was a child and tearfully told me "I'm going to hurt you someday." When she told me these things, it didnt change my mind at all - I was all in and let her cry while I tried to comfort her. After that night, it really wasnt brought up. I also know she's had rough relationships in her past and her family life was rough when she was a child.

 

Flash forward to a month before we broke up. One day, it was just totally different - she would not see me, became angry when I talked about my feelings and she told me she had been feeling depressed/anxious, but it just seemed to overtake her suddenly. This went on for a month, where we really didnt see each other at all and were fighting a lot due to me trying to help and her getting angry (Ive had pretty serious bouts with anxiety/depression and am very comfortable with both ailments now). Now I know what really helped me when I was in my states, so I tried to impress positive coping skills on her - but she preferred to try to avoid the feelings and shut down.

 

She finally broke up with me the day after Christmas, with the excuse "I am just so scared of you (emotionally) hurting me." We continued to text, and of course, I was crushed, so I pressed for answers. Over the next couple months she would show extreme anger and almost a state of psychosis (probably not, but just my metaphor). She continues to seem to justify her breaking up with me by telling me it was something that was my fault (which, in my opinion, isnt the case in any significant sense). The recurring theme is that she has self-described "issues" and she seems to feel the need to run and "hurt others before they hurt her."

 

She will occassionally send me a message in which she seems like she misses me, but then pulls back (yeah, crumbs, I know). But she also became very manic after our breakup and talked to several of her ex's (dont know what, if anything happened).

 

I got to the point a few days ago where it was just too hard to hold out hope anymore. Im trying to keep my phone away from me I went through, and am still going thru, anger and sadness cycles...but in my head, I hope I can start believing 1 of 2 things:

 

1. She does not care for me anymore or

2. There are serious psychological issues which I cannot fix

 

If its the latter, it really kills me because she was such a wonderful person for a year. If its number 1, I can just be bitter and get on with my life more easily. I know either way, I really need to protect my emotions - I'm just the kind of person that really believes the best in people. I guess that kinda bit me in the @ss. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant and thanks for your stories and experiences, which have helped me a lot in my coping.

 

Your situation is very similar to mine. If you want to know that you are not alone read my post titled, "I need to be honest with you guys & myself." We have very similar girls and had very similar situations. When you said that she contacted her ex's, it hurt me a little bit, because that is what I am worried about right now since I met her when she had just broken off an engagement. I have a strong gut feeling she is going to turn back to him since she has nobody else and is in deep depression. Really hurts. Know you are not alone. I feel exactly the same way you do about wanting to help and hurting so bad.

[Pens55]

Thanks, I did comment on your thread - hope it gives you a little comfort. But yes, contacting the ex can happen (I hate to say it). And it does hurt. But one of the things my friends (who she was also close with) keep telling me is that "I know you treated her really well and you both seemed happy, she just did a complete 180 one day."

 

If nothing else, I can at least say I really tried my best and I doubt she will find anyone better than me (sorry if it seems conceited!), I was the ONE person in her life that was truely there for her and she either couldnt handle it, or didnt want it. I guess you just have to think "Ill find that one person that can care for me as much as I care for her"...just sucks in the meantime haha

 

Oh, and also whatdoido: If she runs back to her ex, that kind of shows her character. Running back to an ex as a source of comfort isnt a way to handle a problem. If she does it to you, she would do it to others...take comfort in the fact that you have the ability to emotionally invest in someone and not run out on them - in the long run, itll pay off for you

Edited April 6, 2011 by Pens55

[happiness0421]

Hi Pens – read your post after you replied to mine, and thought it only fair to respond to yours, since our situations sound so similar.

 

I do believe that our ex’s are in similar mental situations. The unfortunate, sucky truth (which I am pretty sure you have already realized) is that even though these people may love us – and yes, they will probably look back and know they gave up the best thing they ever had – they are truly not emotionally capable of being in a loving, adult relationship at this point in their lives.

 

Your ex does have some more serious emotional issues going on – sexual abuse takes on a whole other dimension than just physical abuse. I hope that she sees this as a sign that professional help could be a good thing, or else she will just have to work on ‘herself’, so to speak. The problem with relationships like this is that we (as the more ‘stable’ of the two people, and I don’t mean that offensively) want to help and be there as much as possible for that person, to love them no matter what. But the cliché is true – they have to love themselves before they can love anyone else. And neither you, nor I, deserve to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t completely healthy, trusting, and okay with themselves. Not only is it unfair to us, but it is more unfair to them because they will continue to just push us away.

 

It sounds like you handled the situation well at the end. She needs her space, and so do you. And hopefully one day (sooner rather than later), you will look back at the relationship and realize that this was the best option for the both of you. It’s not easy, is it? Especially after a year of being with her. But time will heal, and even though it sucks to hear it, it is true.

 

Feel free to message me anytime, if you’d like. Best of luck to you

[Chi townD]

Yeah, your Ex has the ethos, "I'm getting too close, get out before I get hurt." syndrome. Yeah, she has some deep seeded issues and SHE has to seek out help and address them. You can offer guidance, but you can't help her. She has to want to help herself.

 

You seem to know what you're talking about and evaluating the current situation. However, you have to let her go and you need time to heal. You were affected by this as well.