Linda9999 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Just got an email from my husband - he has been asked to go away for work for a week the beginning of May. The thought of it makes me want to puke. Since I don't recall how much of the backstory I have posted before, here it is. March 13 2010 I sat down to check my email on his computer, and he had left his yahoo chat account open. Instead of closing it out I snooped. He had deleted all the emails from his in box, but not from the sent items folder. I found a picture of his erect penis that he emailed to someone. I found emails where he talked about paying for and meeting up with a 'model' from a Sex Escort service. He admitted he had spent $3000 on 'models', had a secret cell phone and two secret email accounts, had joined numerous sexsearch type sites on the internet, and had gone to meet up with one of these 'models' whom he was having an emotional affair with. He claims he never had sex with anyone and some days I believe him. Anyway, I kicked him out, that night. We didn't speak except through email for two months. We both got counseling. He decided he's a sex addict. I found out I still love him. So we started couples counseling. Sept 1 2010 he moved back home. He admits 100% blame for the cheating - he knows that was a choice HE made. I still google the usernames I know he used to see if he's back on line and I never find anything. I have full access to his computer. But there are days I still wonder. He's giving me no reason to wonder, but I do. November 6 2010 - D day #2. He admitted to hiring a street prostitute in June 2010 when we were living apart. He says she propositioned him and he took her back to his place on the spur of the moment. He still claims there was no intercourse - just a blow job. He says the fact I don't believe that figured in to his mindset at the time he hired her. The incident in November happened when I went with him the last time he went away for work, but this time I can't go with him. I am so freaked out by this I can hardly breathe right now. Why is this freaking me out so badly? He lived away from me for five months last year and I didn't bat an eye. What the hell?? These work trips have only started in the past couple of years and only occur every 6 months or so, but I seriously cannot handle them any more it looks like.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Have you had full disclosure ( supervised by a sexual addiction specialist) followed by polygraph? Without the polygraph, you gave dick-all.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Have you had full disclosure ( supervised by a sexual addiction specialist) followed by polygraph? Without the polygraph, you gave dick-all. That should say "have" instead of "gave"
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Tell him your very real insecurities about this trip. Ask him how feels about this trip. Ask him what he plans to do about a) reassuring you about his whereabouts, activities, etc. and b) what he intends to do differently this time, what precautions he plans to take with himself! Start asking and talking about it.
Author Linda9999 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Have you had full disclosure ( supervised by a sexual addiction specialist) followed by polygraph? Without the polygraph, you gave dick-all. No. He's seeing another therapist who is free, not a CSAT. And frankly, right now we can't afford it. We've maxed out our benefit plan with marriage counseling, plus we're paying for therapy for our daughter who is bulimic. He does have a plan in place. But it isn't making me feel any better. I feel like I want to puke.
Rose1977 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Linda, I am so sorry you are hurting. Our stories are so similar, as you know, I too was cheated on with a prostitute among others. It is still so new for you, the only thing you can do is talk, talk, talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling and see what his responses are. When I was still being cheated on, any questions would incite such anger in him, and he would blame me for "stalking" him when he got caught, etc.... I think if your H responds with care and seems to truly understand your concerns, you will know if he understands the damage he has done and will not let anything hurt you that badly again. Either way, it's going to be a hard time when he goes away. One of the most maddening things about being the BS is that the H's do the damage and we are left to pick up the pieces and deal with horrible feelings, panic and fear. I don't have any great answers for you, but I can tell you I know exactly the fear you are describing. Do you have skype on your phones or computers? I kid you not, when BF and I were living apart I would make him keep skype on all night after dday so I could see he was alone and not talking to anyone else or on the computer.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 No. He's seeing another therapist who is free, not a CSAT. And frankly, right now we can't afford it. We've maxed out our benefit plan with marriage counseling, plus we're paying for therapy for our daughter who is bulimic. He does have a plan in place. But it isn't making me feel any better. I feel like I want to puke. Linda, I will be blunt but I don't want to freak you out. If you have got the stomach feeling then you need to listen to it. We all know the risks of staying involved with an SA. those risks are real. Any time the stomach flip-flop has happened to me it has not been wrong. Our SAs can talk us out of anything and make a million reassurances. If they were able to be accountable, they would have been in the first place. Now if I were in your situation I would get a book on preparing for disclosure and have him work through that with your shrink and then do one. Confirm it by polygraph which you may have to save up for. With a confirmed polygraph and proper disclosure he can put a fair amount if this sickness to bed whether he is getting triggered still or not. Follow-up polygraphs also sound necessary. To those addicts who are serious about getting well, they actually take comfort in the polygraphs knowing that it keeps them accountable. Btw a fair percentage of SAs fail their first polygraph (bitter pill , I know) but the vast majority of those pass their second. Check out Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and their Partners. Really watch his behaviour to see if it lines up with his words, the longer you go through this the better you get at it. You can hear the "placating" tone. Don't freak out and vent all the way to He'll and back, just hold to your boundaries extra-firm. I know when you have a partner that steps out, you often feel powerless. You aren't and these guys don't expect it. Keep your power and take care if yourself. Stat happy and amp up the honesty and trust factor. If you don't trust him and he can't consistently price trustworthiness, that's his problem. Btw a CSAT should only run around $300 CDN. a month. Is there no way to pull that with a part-time or weekend job for a little bit?
Fight4Me Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 My situation was very different from yours, but since my fWH met up with his old flame during a business trip, it was very difficult to have him go away again after we began R. I went with him for the first one, but the second one was really hard on me because it was impossible for me to go, and I was a basket case as soon as he told me. He only has to go once or twice a year (if that), but the very idea can cause a lot of anxiety, or at least it used to. When the 2nd trip came up, he knew intuitively how I was feeling and went out on his own to buy me a webcam (his was built into his laptop) because he also wanted to see me just as much as I wanted to see him. While working, he would keep in sight of his cam without anyone else noticing so I could check my screen whenever I wanted. He also arranged to room with another trusted male coworker whom he had confided in about what he had done. They both worked long hours and barely had time to eat, and when they did, they brought food back to the hotel. B-O-R-I-N-G Every chance he got, when he found time alone, he would call me to make sure I was okay. It was genuinely sincere, and not out of obligation... which makes a huge difference. He was missing me and the kids so much that it almost became annoying. LOL Since then, he has managed to avoid going out of town. He turned down a company trip to Cancun and flat out said that if he couldn't bring me, he wasn't going. He's in a unique position to do that without repercussions on those types of trips. Soon, he will be having to go for an extended period of time to wrap up and implement a major project, and I'm honestly not the least bit concerned. We are about two years out from DDay, but it seems like a lot longer and I credit his consistency with the changes he's made in all areas of his life. I trust him completely, but it is not a blind naive trust like before. It is one born out of wisdom. In your situation, you have absolutely every reason to be anxious. Since your WH used services that required money, I would work with him on a plan to monitor expenses. Does he use a company card, a personal account to be reimbursed later, or tries to keep cash on him? He should be able to produce receipts for every little thing and you should have access to all account records. A prepaid credit card can be monitored online, for instance. Depending on the type of cellphone he uses, it can be loaded with software that allows you to track his whereabouts and even listen to what is going on around him at all times. If he truly has an addiction that he seriously wants to overcome, then he will see this not as an invasion of privacy, but as a tool to help keep him accountable. Some people may suggest that it isn't worth all this effort and emotional expense for someone who has cheated so heinously, but you and ONLY YOU can make that call. Hang in there. We're here for you.
Author Linda9999 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I don't know if a webcam would work - he'll be in classroom training and on site. I'll ask him though. The expense tracking is a great idea - thanks. I don't know exactly what skype is - how does it work? I really wish he had confided in someone at work but he hasn't. I checked out that Hope and Freedom website and it looks like a good resource, thanks.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I actually spoke with the author, he knows his stuff but the book was hastily edited I think.
painfullyobvious Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Ask him if you can join him on this trip or set up a way that you could see him later during the trip just to see what he says.
Woman In Blue Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Wow - he's spent $3,000 on escorts and claims he didn't have sex with them? What was he paying for - their charming company at dinner? As another poster said, I'd hook his ass up to a polygraph so fast his head would spin. Maybe you're wracked with anxiety because you know deep down, he's been lying his fool head off to you.
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