Jlovestruckx0 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I can't exactly come to a conclusion or an answer as to why I am still with my boyfriend. I love him , but lately hasn't been so great. I have changed a lot with him as far as arguing and complaining, I basically avoid saying anything to bring up a fight. Even while doing this when something does come up he yells or curses so i just shut up because at that moment the conversation is pointless. I've been feeling extremely ignored , we've been hanging out a lot less and talking a lot less , mostly because i have been maintaining my distance to give him a chance to maybe miss me ? or even to just breath. I feel unappreciated , I ask for a simple act of affection and he says i always want to much attention , so I've stopped asking. So i'm not asking , therefore i'm not receiving and its making me unhappy. I am pretty positive that I deserve much better treatment than I've been receiving from him , so I ask myself why am I not getting it? I have talked to him about it and he says he knows its the way he reacts to things and he knows he needs to change that , I've heard the change bit before and like i knew then i know now he wont change, i don't expect him to change for me, but if he wants to be with me and sees a future with me like he says, then why am i still feeling this huge cold shoulder. I feel us drifting apart. I keep asking myself why i'm with him and the only reason is the fact that i love him , because i honestly am not feeling the love coming from him side. I keep thinking maybe we need to break up but anytime the conversation drifts towards that I get so upset and realize i don't want to be without him , but im not sure if that's because i don't want to miss him or not. Any similar situations , or advice on how to either make this work or determine if its time to just end it ? I don't know exactly what to do .
scarletears Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 in a rather similar situation as you. his words and actions do not tally. he says he loves me and all. but his actions are all not justifiable. im still struggling with this up till now. If i stay, i'm going to be miserable. if i leave, i'll feel like im really mean to him to break his heart.
Author Jlovestruckx0 Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 I feel the same . If i leave I'll miss him and I don't want to feel that sadness or regret. But if I don't I'm constantly left disappointed , some days are good , and others are bad , it's honestly a roller coaster of emotions.
Kelemort Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I had a similar situation in my first relationship. We were both 20, pushing 21, and it was a first relationship for both of us. We had been dating for nearly a year and a half and I had known in my heart for a year that it was over. But I was so attached and so fearful of what life would be like without him that I sat paralyzed for a year. I experienced many of the things you did - he was always quick to anger, he never saw anything from my perspective, and he was really only interested in showing me affection or attention when he was jealous. He would never call me until he knew I was going out with one of my friends, and then he would call 10 times in a row and get angry when I didn't answer. You couldn't talk to him about his behavior. He was always right and I was the one causing all of the problems in our relationship. You don't indicate if this is one of your first few relationships or not, but I suspect that it probably is. You have to beg for attention or you're told to stop asking for it and to recognize his interests. That's the most one-sided display i've ever seen and that kind of selfishness can't persist for a lifetime. I've dealt with similar issues in the past and in my present relationship, and you have to work aggressively to nip it in the bud - if it can be nipped at all. When it comes down to it, this is affecting your self-esteem and making you feel worse about yourself. You're not happy and you're tossing the idea of leaving around in your head. He claims he'll change, but he never does. Because...why should he? He feeds you that simple line and he gets to go back to what he's doing for a while. He has no incentive to change. He can get all of the benefits of changing without having to change at all. If you haven't already, talk to him in depth and share everything you've shared here. But it sounds like you've already done that, so... Cut off any affection you show towards him. Build up your own life outside of him - get involved in charity, get a job, hang out with your friends, attend art shows, start keeping a journal, whatever it is that will keep you occupied. Have your fun and your life without him. Show him - and yourself - that he is not the epicenter of your existence. Don't wait by the phone waiting for him to call. Place him last on your list of priorities. If he notices this treatment and asks why, reinforce what you've already told us here and explain that this is how it's going to go. If he can't meet your needs and show you that you're in a relationship, why bother acting like you're in a relationship? It's an unorthodox solution, but honestly I think some people respond much better to a partner's withdrawal and tit-for-tat treatment than they do to talking it out or arguing about it. When they're suddenly faced with the same treatment, they have to recognize it and understand it. Sometimes, they'll simply say, "Okay, the relationship's over with, see you later." In my experiences and in those of people around me, it has almost always ended well. The neglectful partner recognizes the impact of his behavior and makes a change. For me, I had to do this with sex - when my partner simply wanted oral all of the time and rejected all of my sexual advances, I told him that I was going to ignore him sexually and it was up to him to make all of the advances from then on. I decided to act totally uninterested - I don't even initiate touching him. So far, it's working rather nicely. He's acting a little more needy and desirous of me now that I'm not rewarding his poor treatment.
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