Last talk before disappearing from each other's lives!

[Lil1]

Hello LS confidants! I would like your opinion on this… is it ok to have one final discussion about relationship (for purposes of closure) with an ex? Or is it just better to leave things the way they are? So my ex came over this last weekend to move his belongings out of my apt. Brief recap of our relationship is that he moved to OR back in Oct., we tried having and LDR but that didn’t work out too well for me. I finally broke things off in Jan. after months of constant arguing and periods of NC (mainly from me). I wanted to sit down and take some time to speak with him on Sunday before he left but it was soo hard for me! I was torn up about the loss of this person in my life. I kept thinking about how this was the last encounter we would have and I was barely able to control my tears the entire time he was there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty confident that I’m over him, it was just the whole experience of breaking up and losing someone who knows me so well that had me all choked up.

 

I decided I really didn’t want that to be our last encounter. I still want to talk with him and have good closure between us. So last night I called him and asked him if we could see each other again before he leaves to OR. He is coming by tonight. I just want to have an honest conversation about us. Is that wrong? I want to understand what really happened to us. Not because I want to be back with him, I truly don’t want that. I just want to know his side of this experience. I think that if we are able to have a heart to heart talk then we will both feel better about everything. He does look so much better (muscular, tanned, and happy looking!) so this may really benefit me more than him, as he seems to have moved on quite well (I have too but I still have things I need to work on with myself).

 

What do you guys think of this idea of sitting down one last time to discuss our relationship? Is it a waste of time or will it be a good thing for us?

Edited April 5, 2011 by Lil1

[VJohnson32]

Nothing wrong with getting a closure and ending it on good terms but you must be certain that this is final and he wont try and pull any tricks on you to get you back. Same goes for you. But to get a closure first you need to realize that HE isnt the one and never was. If you still see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, closure wont help you out.

Ive done that, ending on good terms and getting my closure but happened months and months of NC until my head was thinking straight and realized that we were together for all the wrong reasons. Be aware that its very hard to end things so well and knowing deep down that you may never see that person again. Its nice at first but it hurts like a bit** after wards.

[Lil1]

Yes VJohnson32, I definitely realize that he is not the one and as I stated, I am pretty certain that I do not want him back (I know what I want out of life and he is still figuring himself out). I highly doubt he will be 'pulling any tricks' because I really think we are both ok with moving on.

 

Its just that this is the last time we may have to somehow redeem our relationship, so we will both be able to look back on it in a good light. That's all I really want, is to have good closure. Thanks for your thoughts!

[Lil1]

Any other thoughts out there? I guess I just want some reassurance that I am doing the right thing and wont come off as clingy or desperate to my ex... I'm so far from that!

[whatdoido1717]

I think that if you are SURE, I mean 100% positive that you aren't fooling yourself and hiding feelings that this is okay. Just don't expect ANYTHING out of it or any sort of particular response from him. If you need to get this off your chest for closure then go ahead, don't do it with any secret hopes or expectations.

[Pens55]

As you broke up with him, just please be very sensitive to his feelings. He may not be as "ok" as you are, so be careful to let him voice everything he wants to say.

 

But yeah, Im in a situation with no closure and it sucks. Just dont do it if its totally self-serving. If a conversation is what you want, I think thats good. If its just you clearing your mind, please dont. (sorry, I guess that sounds a little harsh - no intention :-) )

[Lil1]

Well, It sort of is about me clearing my mind. I did the breaking up but about a month after I called him and told him that if we still love each other then we should do everything to make it work. I even offered to move to OR! He said that right now this was for the best since he had too much on his plate out in OR with his family and his work. So in the end it was more of a mutual break.

 

He is definitely ok with ending the relationship (as am I since I realized he wasnt for me), but I know there are some things that we both regret so I just want to take this chance to understand what was the uiltimate downfall of our relationship so that I learn from my mistakes.

[Pens55]

This sounds good then - you seem like you are both in a good place to talk and I hope it goes well for the both of you.

[Lil1]

So, my ex canceled last night and asked if we could meet later in the week since he will be here for a few days. I must admit, I was disappointed. I had been thinking about how our conversation would go last night throughout the day. I was looking forward to it. I inevitably have been thinking about why I felt so disappointed that he had canceled. What did I ultimately want to achieve? I want resolution and I want to leave on better terms. I think I also wanted an opportunity to show him that I am truly happy for him and that I am over the relationship – but I’m realizing now that’s not entirely true. The last time I saw him (this past Sunday) I could barely contain my emotions, I felt so much sadness and regret that our once very loving relationship was really over, and that furthermore I was really losing this person in my life. It still pains my heart to think about this reality. I want to tell him so much, but now I am starting to think that maybe I am not completely over our relationship. I do feel ok about moving on and I’m pretty confident that soon I will be very happy again, but now that the break up has become final (him moving his things out and returning to OR) I find myself truly mourning losing him. If we do get the opportunity to meet and talk, it’s not like I would ask him for another chance, but maybe it’s best if we don’t meet at all and just continue with our lives. With time everything heals and I know I will find love again. But if he does contact me to meet later in the week, I will meet and speak with him, I just need to be strong and know that we are done. I will also try not to take it personally if he doesn’t contact me again.

[Lil1]

The last time I saw him (this past Sunday) I could barely contain my emotions, I felt so much sadness and regret that our once very loving relationship was really over, and that furthermore I was really losing this person in my life. It still pains my heart to think about this reality. I want to tell him so much, but now I am starting to think that maybe I am not completely over our relationship. I do feel ok about moving on and I’m pretty confident that soon I will be very happy again, but now that the break up has become final (him moving his things out and returning to OR) I find myself truly mourning losing him.

 

UPDATE:

 

Everything I wrote above (about my ex) just makes me LMAO now

 

Turns out my ex is bat sh*t crazy.

 

I admit it took me a loooong time to get over him, and I was so convinced that he was someone very special. Little did I know!

 

short story, his mother passed away around mother's day (OD'd on pills and alcohol, sad, but predictable given her history). I sent his family a nice bouquet of flowers out of respect. I did not contact in any other way other than the flowers. Four days later he harrasses me non-stop for an entire weekend, even threatened me with violence if I ever try and make contact with him or his family again! He blamed me for everything in his life, including his poor relationship with his brother (brother is schizophrenic and also abuses pills) and told me the flowers I sent were a dishonor to his mother.

 

I understand he was grieving but every nasty thing he said to me and the threats he made just made it clear to me what a crazy person he really is. I was so scared of him that I didn't sleep in my apt. the entire weekend!

 

I dodged a HUGE bullet. I very much regret all of the tears I shed for this loony. I'm also extremely happy to know that I can move on and never ever have to look back with sadness or regret that I lost someone special, because he is far from it.

 

Anyway, just thought this might make an interesting read for anyone who remembers my story. I'm in a much better place now and my soul is at peace. Thanks for reading LS peeps!:D

[Breck]

UPDATE:

 

Everything I wrote above (about my ex) just makes me LMAO now

 

Turns out my ex is bat sh*t crazy.

 

I admit it took me a loooong time to get over him, and I was so convinced that he was someone very special. Little did I know!

 

short story, his mother passed away around mother's day (OD'd on pills and alcohol, sad, but predictable given her history). I sent his family a nice bouquet of flowers out of respect. I did not contact in any other way other than the flowers. Four days later he harrasses me non-stop for an entire weekend, even threatened me with violence if I ever try and make contact with him or his family again! He blamed me for everything in his life, including his poor relationship with his brother (brother is schizophrenic and also abuses pills) and told me the flowers I sent were a dishonor to his mother.

 

I understand he was grieving but every nasty thing he said to me and the threats he made just made it clear to me what a crazy person he really is. I was so scared of him that I didn't sleep in my apt. the entire weekend!

 

I dodged a HUGE bullet. I very much regret all of the tears I shed for this loony. I'm also extremely happy to know that I can move on and never ever have to look back with sadness or regret that I lost someone special, because he is far from it.

 

Anyway, just thought this might make an interesting read for anyone who remembers my story. I'm in a much better place now and my soul is at peace. Thanks for reading LS peeps!:D

 

You sound like a b----h. He lost his mother. What's wrong with you?

[Lil1]

You are ignorant to the background of my story Breck so I can see how you may perceive me this way. Thanks for your insightful input though!

[KathyM]

I know you meant well, but those kinds of gestures from an ex are usually not appreciated by the grieving family. It's just serves as a reminder that you are no longer in his life, or it can bring up painful feelings for him about your relationship at a time when he is at his lowest. I remember when my father died, my sister's ex husband felt compelled to show up at the funeral. It was just a painful reminder about their failed relationship--a reminder that she didn't want or need when she was mourning her father. The flowers were representative of you and your presence, so it served as a painful reminder to him of a failed, lost relationship. I know you meant well, but it was not a good idea to do that.

[Breck]

I know you meant well, but those kinds of gestures from an ex are usually not appreciated by the grieving family. It's just serves as a reminder that you are no longer in his life, or it can bring up painful feelings for him about your relationship at a time when he is at his lowest. I remember when my father died, my sister's ex husband felt compelled to show up at the funeral. It was just a painful reminder about their failed relationship--a reminder that she didn't want or need when she was mourning her father. The flowers were representative of you and your presence, so it served as a painful reminder to him of a failed, lost relationship. I know you meant well, but it was not a good idea to do that.

 

See lil1. You're an idiot.

[Professor X]

Her heart was in the right place. Maybe not the most tactful thing to do, but she meant well.

[Lil1]

Thanks Breck, you're an as*hole, and now the 2nd person on my ignore list.

 

Kathy I see your point, but the strange thing of it all is that my ex actually thanked me for sending the "lovely flowers which made their home smell nice" via text the same day they were delivered (I did not reply). It wasn't until 4 days later that he decided to send me a slew of hateful texts and voice mails threatening me with physical violence and saying the most horrid things about me.

 

ProfessorX thanks for your input as well. I guess every single one of my friends are also tactless because they all told me it was the right thing to do.

 

Bottom line is: this man whom I truly loved, and I thought he loved me also, said so many hurtful things to me and admitted he just used me so he could have a place to live AWAY from his family. I gave him my life. I dropped all of my friends and even stayed away from my own family because he wanted me all to himself at all times. I loved this man with all of my heart. He showed me what kind of person he truly is. A friend of mine who attended the funeral told me that he physically assaulted his aunt at the funeral (she and his mother did not get along) and he had to be restrained by other family members. What kind of person does this? Truth be told I am still somewhat fearful that he may come after me if he has lost his mind. I try not to think about it but it's always in the back of my head and I think that I should probably move.

 

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts. Breck you're still an ass.

[Professor X]

Thanks Breck, you're an as*hole, and now the 2nd person on my ignore list.

 

Kathy I see your point, but the strange thing of it all is that my ex actually thanked me for sending the "lovely flowers which made their home smell nice" via text the same day they were delivered (I did not reply). It wasn't until 4 days later that he decided to send me a slew of hateful texts and voice mails threatening me with physical violence and saying the most horrid things about me.

 

ProfessorX thanks for your input as well. I guess every single one of my friends are also tactless because they all told me it was the right thing to do.

 

Bottom line is: this man whom I truly loved, and I thought he loved me also, said so many hurtful things to me and admitted he just used me so he could have a place to live AWAY from his family. I gave him my life. I dropped all of my friends and even stayed away from my own family because he wanted me all to himself at all times. I loved this man with all of my heart. He showed me what kind of person he truly is. A friend of mine who attended the funeral told me that he physically assaulted his aunt at the funeral (she and his mother did not get along) and he had to be restrained by other family members. What kind of person does this? Truth be told I am still somewhat fearful that he may come after me if he has lost his mind. I try not to think about it but it's always in the back of my head and I think that I should probably move.

 

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts. Breck you're still an ass.

 

You got a good heart Lil1 I am sorry someone you used to love decided to act the way you did, even if it was a tad tactful, it certainly does not justify what he did. You dodged a bullet, as you already said.

 

And he won't come after you nor hurt you, I promise.