seeker2010 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 My H had an EA online. That was 10 months ago. Finding out took quite a while, but the first 'negiversary' is coming up really soon. Part of our reconciliation agreement was that he would give me full access to ALL his online stuff, and at first he did. And, I admit, at first I did snoop. However, for my own sake, I stopped that, because it made me feel bad about myself. However, knowing I *could* monitor if I wanted to was helpful to me. He, however, has *major* issues with the whole concept that I would monitor him at all, and these date back years and years to a very intrusive family structure. It has come up a few times already where he speaks in a really bitter manner about how I am 'monitoring' him and how intrusive that is. The other day, I decided to check and see if I did have accurate info (I did not read or review anything, I only put in the user name and password to find out if it would go through or not, and I found that although most of his accounts have the same passwords, one of them does not. This is an account that had been used previously for inappropriate mail. I also find that I don't have any information about several accounts that I know he has, and he has neither admitted or denied them, but also hasn't volunteered info about having them. I now wonder if he has accounts that he has never brought up having at all. I want to survey the state of the information I have from him--so how to do this? He's very computer savvy, so it's unlikely that I would ever really be able to find everything if he chose to go underground with it. Any thoughts? Or should I not do it, and wait until I have indication that he is up to something (other than a desire for privacy). I feel badly for not believing him, but then again, I believed him before and look where *that* got me. On the other hand, I don't want to monitor his accounts! I don't care what he is doing *except where it's relevant*. I'd be happy if there is nothing there or if he can come forward and just give me all the information without making an issue of it... But I doubt he will, so my question here is: how to handle this? Advice please!
reservoirdog1 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 There's a saying: "those with nothing to hide, hide nothing." He's hiding something. If those email accounts and their passwords weren't covering anything up, why would he need to keep them hidden? I don't buy his privacy "issues" with roots in the past blah blah blah. It's an excuse, nothing more. It's very simple -- you need access to all his accounts. If you don't check them, great. No problem. But the important thing is that you can IF YOU WANT TO. Tread carefully here... things are not what they seem.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Sounds like your husband is more sorry he got caught..rather than sorry for doing it in the first place. My only advise would be to get a keylogger..since he doesn't think you should know whats going on in HIS life! Its simple really...if he's got nothing to hide..than whats really up with him? I don't know if your part of the recovery was solely him giving up his passwords to you and thats it. But it doesnt really sound like your on the right path to recovery with his attitute. I just don't think he really cares. Just my 2 cents.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Tired of hearing an EA = PA and is just as bad. Does a person have an EA with their Psychologist? Sharing intimate details of one's life is something females have done for ages. Unless he/she has admitted to another person they are in love and planning to leave start and affair with that person, sorry it is not an EA......
spice4life Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 My H had an EA online. That was 10 months ago. Finding out took quite a while, but the first 'negiversary' is coming up really soon. Part of our reconciliation agreement was that he would give me full access to ALL his online stuff, and at first he did. And, I admit, at first I did snoop. However, for my own sake, I stopped that, because it made me feel bad about myself. However, knowing I *could* monitor if I wanted to was helpful to me. He, however, has *major* issues with the whole concept that I would monitor him at all, and these date back years and years to a very intrusive family structure. It has come up a few times already where he speaks in a really bitter manner about how I am 'monitoring' him and how intrusive that is. The other day, I decided to check and see if I did have accurate info (I did not read or review anything, I only put in the user name and password to find out if it would go through or not, and I found that although most of his accounts have the same passwords, one of them does not. This is an account that had been used previously for inappropriate mail. I also find that I don't have any information about several accounts that I know he has, and he has neither admitted or denied them, but also hasn't volunteered info about having them. I now wonder if he has accounts that he has never brought up having at all. I want to survey the state of the information I have from him--so how to do this? He's very computer savvy, so it's unlikely that I would ever really be able to find everything if he chose to go underground with it. Any thoughts? Or should I not do it, and wait until I have indication that he is up to something (other than a desire for privacy). I feel badly for not believing him, but then again, I believed him before and look where *that* got me. On the other hand, I don't want to monitor his accounts! I don't care what he is doing *except where it's relevant*. I'd be happy if there is nothing there or if he can come forward and just give me all the information without making an issue of it... But I doubt he will, so my question here is: how to handle this? Advice please! You should just come out and ask him. Tell him you were having a moment, assuming he knows you will feel this from time to time, and wondered why the login was changed. This happened to me and I found out the email address was associated with the person's facebook account and they had to change their login info because facebook closed down their account due to a security breach. They also changed their email password due to the security breach as a precaution. They DID NOT however, use that account to send inappropriate emails though. They logged in in front of me and the trail of what happened was right there...nothing was deleted. Hope this helps. Have a nice evening.
Author seeker2010 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Tired of hearing an EA = PA and is just as bad. Does a person have an EA with their Psychologist? Sharing intimate details of one's life is something females have done for ages. Unless he/she has admitted to another person they are in love and planning to leave start and affair with that person, sorry it is not an EA...... If you had asked me a year ago, I would have agreed with you. Now I know better. I would say if you haven't personally experienced it, you don't really know what you're talking about. In my case, this wasn't sharing intimate details. This was stripping naked and doing the dirty on web cam. This was swearing eternal undying devotion to one another. This was spending hours online and on the phone and in chat, lamenting that they couldn't be together. Trust me, the only thing they left out, and that was because they had to, was the physical. And they didn't do that because they couldn't. Distance prevented it.
Author seeker2010 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 You should just come out and ask him. Tell him you were having a moment, assuming he knows you will feel this from time to time, and wondered why the login was changed. This happened to me and I found out the email address was associated with the person's facebook account and they had to change their login info because facebook closed down their account due to a security breach. They also changed their email password due to the security breach as a precaution. They DID NOT however, use that account to send inappropriate emails though. They logged in in front of me and the trail of what happened was right there...nothing was deleted. Hope this helps. Have a nice evening. Thank you for posting this. I feel like this whole situation is a mine field. I don't want to patrol or feel I have to patrol. I never used to feel like that and I don't like it. It is nice to be able to think there *could* be a good reason (maybe there is, maybe there isn't, but there *could* be).
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Well, in the aftermath of my H's infidelity, I gave him all my passwords and told him he could check anything he wanted to at anytime. He then did the same for me. That includes blogging here at LS! There is no right to secrecy in a marriage, especially following an affair! Tell him you need reassurance. This should not be a big deal, because as was mentioned above, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Why not try the same? You are vulnerable and trying to rebuild trust in him which he understands, yes? So tell him that and come out and ask him if you have all the passwords to all his emails. Offer to give him all of your's.
BB07 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I know you feel bad for wanting to snoop and I know you want to trust but as you said, "look what that got me." From your posts it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to have any peace of mind unless you confirm it one way or the other and really.......why should you feel bad about it, you didn't cheat, he did. Do whatever you need to do to feel some peace.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 He, however, has *major* issues with the whole concept that I would monitor him at all, and these date back years and years to a very intrusive family structure. It has come up a few times already where he speaks in a really bitter manner about how I am 'monitoring' him and how intrusive that is. He is using that as an excuse to continue to do what he's doing. He doesn't seem to be too remorseful for what he's done either. It's like he doesn't realize that HIS BEHAVIOUR is what brought all this on! You don't trust him. And he hasn't done much to prove himself to you.
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