Online Dating Suggestions for Women

[Scottdmw]

I've done a fair amount of online dating, and I have some suggestions for women that might make the process work better.

 

Online dating is popular, a lot of people do it. Yet, it's not terribly successful at producing what most people want out of it--good long-term relationships. So, something could work better. But what? I've given this quite a bit of thought and would like to share my ideas in case they can help anyone.

 

While I don't want to place blame, it seems to me like women have most of the power in the online dating world. Women typically get some number of e-mails and get to decide who they respond to and who they go out with. Men, on the other hand, are mainly forced to send out a large number of e-mails in hopes that a few are responded to. So, I think that women are in a better position to make changes to make the process work better.

 

First, the easy stuff, the profile suggestions. Women, it helps a lot if you can try to put some individuality and personality into your profiles. Probably 50% of them are extremely generic. That is, include something that makes you different from others, something a man can take to write an interesting response to. Specific interests and activities are good--don't say that you like to go out to the bar with your friends, say you like to go out to the Irish pub on trivia night. Talk about how you like to hike and loved your visit to Rocky Mountain National Park. Mention your love of 60s classic movies rather than just saying you like to watch movies. Avoid cliches like “you love to laugh” or “you like a night out on the town or in cuddling on the couch”. Read your profile, and if there's nothing in it that makes you different from any other woman, you need to add more. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to respond to a particular woman because her picture was cute, but ultimately didn't because even after 10 minutes of trying I could not find a single thing in her profile to compose an e-mail about that didn't seem boring to me. (As a man, I don't think I've ever had success with an e-mail that didn't even interest myself so I don't bother with them anymore)

 

Maybe you don't feel like you need to do more with your profile because you are already getting all the messages you want or more. But, consider that the more you put in your profile the more you will get guys responding you are actually compatible with and who are actually attracted to you for reasons other than your picture. You are more likely to get someone you can have a relationship with. Maybe there is a guy out there that you could be a “soulmate” to but he won't know how to write a good message to show you that unless you give him enough information.

 

Second, choice of men to respond to. I know this is a tough one. You want to respond to the men on the site that make you feel the most attracted, the ones that seem the most interesting, the hottest appearance, etc. What I'm going to suggest is that you should not assume you can judge chemistry or compatibility at all online. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Again, I'm going to refer you to the fact that online dating does not produce a whole lot of couples as evidence that something is not working really well. I'm sure you really want to believe that you can judge this well, but just consider that maybe it's harder than you think.

 

The main problem here is that some men are very, very good at simulating chemistry online, and others are very, very bad at it. It doesn't necessarily say a lot about how compatible you are with these guys. A guy that seems very uninteresting online might seem quite different in person. A guy that seems like he's trying way too hard online might just not understand how to use the online medium.

 

The other problem is the guy who has mastered online dating and turned into an online player. Remember that most women want the same things. This creates a small subclass of guys who are the “top 5%” guys-- the ones who almost all the women on the site are going to find most attractive. Maybe they actually are in person and in a real relationship, maybe not. What matters is that if a guy looks really good to you online he also looks really good to every other woman on the site. This guy actually does have options. Further, he's not going to be shy about pushing those options to the fullest and dating as many women at a time as he can.

 

This is where the difference between men and women really kicks in, and where you really have to try hard to think about things from a guy's point of view. A typical woman who meets a guy she likes is going to want to settle into a committed relationship with him. Some of these “top 5% guys” do not feel that way though, they would prefer to casually date as many women as possible.

 

So, I think what ends up happening is it is relatively easy for women to get dates online with men they find quite attractive. But, all the women are dating the same 5% of men. They find that these men are only interested in casual dating and sex. They go on a few dates, no relationship develops, and they think that it must've just been that guy. They try again, the same thing happens, and eventually they get discouraged.

 

Meanwhile, your “normal” guy is struggling to get a single date. This is a guy that if a woman ran into in real life she might think was really cool. However, when stacked up online against hundreds of others, he is never going to seem like the coolest.

 

The upshot is that I think it's very important for women to be open to meeting in person men that they might not feel any chemistry at all with online. Remember, online is not real life! Women's attraction to men depends on a whole number of things that do not come through online at all--physical presence, conversation, scent, touch, all kinds of subtle things that are completely lost online. From a man's perspective, online he has to generate attraction in a woman using only a few of his available tools. It's no wonder that women don't feel chemistry with most men online. It's like looking at them through a cloudy glass. Men, being more visual, have an easier time knowing if they will find a woman attractive in person.

 

So, women I would suggest that you take a chance on an in person meeting with more guys. If you think a man meets your basic criteria (and I really mean basic), if he sends you a decent message, and if you have anything in common, consider meeting him in person. Carefully consider what your minimum criteria are as far as height, weight, age, job, etc. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard women say something like “I would never date a man who is X” and then a month later you see them doing it, and they say something like “I never thought I would have dated a man who is X but then I met this great guy and it just didn't matter.” If you weed out too many online you will never have the chance to have that experience.

 

So, consider meeting guys you aren't sure about. Even if you are corresponding with another guy that seems more attractive online, meet them both, once. No one expects exclusivity early anyway. Go ahead and meet the “hottest” guys if you can, but deliberately meet some of the guys that seem less hot but have more in common with you. Even, take some guys that you find positively unattractive from their pictures and/or other characteristics, but where you have a great deal in common, and consider meeting those guys once.

 

If you try these things I think you will have a better chance of a happy relationship.

 

Hope you’ve found food for thought.

 

Scott

[Imajerk17]

What's the matter Scott, women not responding to your emails?

 

You're right that most women write bad profiles. But they also get that it is their pictures that get responses or not. Maybe you can make it a point to write only to women who write a good profile, no matter how they look in their pictures?

 

So what are you suggesting-that people just randomly blindly pick whom they respond to? All you have to go by in online dating is the profile and the their emails. That's just how it is. Women are actually a little better than men at trying to see "what they have in common", we tend to go primarily by looks.

 

I would say that women have unrealistic expectations of "instant chemistry" on a first date and it serves them badly, but that's after you meet up.

Edited April 5, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Leeway Harris]

I would say that women have unrealistic expectations of "instant chemistry" on a first date and it serves them badly, but that's after you meet up.

What's the matter, Imajerk, women not agreeing to go on a second date with you?

 

I think Scott makes a lot of good points, for what it's worth. But I'm a man who always had a dismal response rate from online dating sites, so my reaction is colored by that.

[Scottdmw]

Actually I do get responses and dates, it just seems to me like the process could work better. Meeting someone in person should be the easy part—then you decide whether you have chemistry. It's quite possible that my solutions are totally off, I strongly believe that online dating could work better than it does.

 

Scott

[MarlyStar]

"...I would suggest that you take a chance on an in person meeting with more guys. If you think a man meets your basic criteria (and I really mean basic), if he sends you a decent message, and if you have anything in common, consider meeting him in person..."

 

I did this. It's still very hard to get a guy from the initial email to a meeting. They fade away. They change the dates then fade away. I had one guy who actually was willing to show up, and after the second date I wasn't interested. But I gave it a shot. There was only one I waffled on and decided not to call; I probably could have gotten a date out of him, but I was the one who flaked out.

 

But that's only one out of 49 men I initiated with (and if I thought they were chronic match daters or too polished and charming, I didn't reach out to them--I was definitely trying to steer clear of the 5%).

 

They say 20% of all new long term relationships start via OLD. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I should have done a little better.

 

Getting people to actually get out of the house and to meeting is HARD. I can't speak for women, but why if you are going to bother signing up and writing a profile would you not actually go thru with it?

[curlygirl40]

 

First, the easy stuff, the profile suggestions. Women, it helps a lot if you can try to put some individuality and personality into your profiles. Probably 50% of them are extremely generic. That is, include something that makes you different from others, something a man can take to write an interesting response to. Specific interests and activities are good--don't say that you like to go out to the bar with your friends, say you like to go out to the Irish pub on trivia night. Talk about how you like to hike and loved your visit to Rocky Mountain National Park. Mention your love of 60s classic movies rather than just saying you like to watch movies. Avoid cliches like “you love to laugh” or “you like a night out on the town or in cuddling on the couch”. Read your profile, and if there's nothing in it that makes you different from any other woman, you need to add more. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to respond to a particular woman because her picture was cute, but ultimately didn't because even after 10 minutes of trying I could not find a single thing in her profile to compose an e-mail about that didn't seem boring to me. (As a man, I don't think I've ever had success with an e-mail that didn't even interest myself so I don't bother with them anymore)

 

 

Thank you for this! I just changed my profile. I get a fair amount of attention but usually it's not the type of guy I like. And I'm not talking about just looks here, I'm talking about the fact that I need a guy with a great sense of humor! So I e-mail those guys who have a profile that makes me laugh and they never e-mail me back, and today I read my profile after I read this post and I thought 'it's boring!'. So I changed it up and now I think it's kind of funny, like me. My pictures are good and a good likeness, and I've been told by all of the guys that I have met that I am 'cute, attractive, hot, etc.', so I don't think it's my picture that makes the funny guys not respond. Who knows, but this can't hurt.

 

Thanks again.

Curly (and funny) girl

[Imajerk17]

Scott, you actually do make some really good suggestions RE the women writing better profiles.

 

The toughest thing for myself to deal with online dating is that there is a lack of courtesy. Something of it anyway. I've scheduled dates that I didn't feel like going on when the day came, but I still made it a point to show up. I've never been outright stood up, but I have had to deal with flakes and poofs, and I hate that. I get that everyone is looking for the bigger better deal, but still...

[orangelady]

 

While I don't want to place blame, it seems to me like women have most of the power in the online dating world. Women typically get some number of e-mails and get to decide who they respond to and who they go out with. Men, on the other hand, are mainly forced to send out a large number of e-mails in hopes that a few are responded to. So, I think that women are in a better position to make changes to make the process work better.

 

 

Scott

 

Hi Scott, thanks for all the tips. Found some of them pretty helpful. Did you have much success on the dating site yourself?

 

However, I'd like to point out to you that no, we don't get a large bulk of emails from men even on dating sites. I hardly get any, and I think my profile is quite different from the rest of my female competitors.

 

I think THAT's the problem - that it is too different - I don't write all the cutesy and flirty stuff that they write like 'I'm fun, adventurous and LURVE to try new things!'

 

I mean, I know guys just dig that. They always say "Only write me if you are are fun, wild and adventurous." I don't really know where I stand with that, so I don't write to them.

 

Sometimes I think some of the guys on dating sites actually have a different agenda than just wanting to look for someone. Some of the things they say on their profiles does indicate that they're just looking for casual sex OR a hot chick for whatever reasons. I don't really look for a HOT guy, someone pleasantable would suffice. But I know for men, pleasantable would mean something else.

 

 

And you know what? A lot of the guys who are quite decent and attractive or not so attractive actually say they respond selectively only. And true enough when I hit them an email, they don't reply. I also get a lot of 'visitors' on my profile but only 3% would send me an email.

 

And the ones that email me would say things like "Hi dear, how aer you...." And they're usually what look like illegal immigrants that are staying in my country or something......

 

Also if they do reply to my email, it's usually just a one line answer. It's like they just cram in a line just to be obliging but don't have an interest to know me better.

 

But good observations and tips, thanks. I might change it again.

Edited April 6, 2011 by orangelady

[Scottdmw]

Hi Scott, thanks for all the tips. Found some of them pretty helpful. Did you have much success on the dating site yourself?

 

However, I'd like to point out to you that no, we don't get a large bulk of emails from men even on dating sites. I hardly get any, and I think my profile is quite different from the rest of my female competitors.

 

I think THAT's the problem - that it is too different - I don't write all the cutesy and flirty stuff that they write like 'I'm fun, adventurous and LURVE to try new things!'

 

I mean, I know guys just dig that. They always say "Only write me if you are are fun, wild and adventurous." I don't really know where I stand with that, so I don't write to them.

 

Sometimes I think some of the guys on dating sites actually have a different agenda than just wanting to look for someone. Some of the things they say on their profiles does indicate that they're just looking for casual sex OR a hot chick for whatever reasons. I don't really look for a HOT guy, someone pleasantable would suffice. But I know for men, pleasantable would mean something else.

 

 

And you know what? A lot of the guys who are quite decent and attractive or not so attractive actually say they respond selectively only. And true enough when I hit them an email, they don't reply. I also get a lot of 'visitors' on my profile but only 3% would send me an email.

 

And the ones that email me would say things like "Hi dear, how aer you...." And they're usually what look like illegal immigrants that are staying in my country or something......

 

Also if they do reply to my email, it's usually just a one line answer. It's like they just cram in a line just to be obliging but don't have an interest to know me better.

 

But good observations and tips, thanks. I might change it again.

 

I've had some success, two out of the last three relationships I’ve had have been from online.

 

I can’t definitely speak for other guys, but if the guy writes something like he is looking for "fun, wild, and adventurous" it is at least possible that he doesn't really mean it.

 

A big part of the problem with online dating is that there is so much advice out there—people saying you have to do this and not that to make a profile work. Some of the advice for guys that I've read says to act discriminating and picky so that women will think you are in demand. So, these guys may be trying to do that. But, in reality they may not care that much if you are adventurous or whatever.

 

Congratulations to you for taking the step of e-mailing some guys yourself. But, if you're not getting responses from those, it is possible you are choosing guys that feel they have more attractive options. I do get some e-mails from women myself, but it seems like the unfortunate reality is that pretty much 100% of the women who e-mail me first are significantly less attractive than women I’m able to date if I e-mail first or meet them in the real world. If a woman e-mails me first I do give her some credit for that, and I'm more interested in possibly getting to know her, but it's a relatively minor amount of “credit” compared to the other factors I'm looking for. I mean, I don't blame them, I e-mail girls that are really attractive even if I don't think I have much of a shot with them, in addition to the women I think are more realistic for me. But, it tells me that the women I have interacted with at least will not send the first e-mail to a guy unless he is significantly more attractive than she probably normally dates. There is a disconnect where both genders are trying to “date up” to some degree, but when it comes to choosing who to send first e-mails to, I think that women try to “date up” more so than men in my experience.

[bac]

Meeting someone in person should be the easy part—then you decide whether you have chemistry. It's quite possible that my solutions are totally off, I strongly believe that online dating could work better than it does.

 

Scott

 

The solutions are kind of off. If a girl gives a chance to every online's guy, she should quit her job because it is going to be too too busy. Do you know how many online's males are loooking for ONSs/or married/or personality disorders/or psychos ? It takes about 1-1.5 hrs to get ready for a date (driving included). WTF You recommend to check out all the guys a few times per week. It is going to be a very depressing waste of time. It is going to be very disgusting to spend so much time with the guys. What kind of chemistry are you talking about? If you mean the guys who i want to f....k, I want to f...k most young hot guys.

But, it does not mean that I am really going to do that. Compatability is much more complicated than the false chemistry of the first date. Sure, I am going to feel a lot of chemistry with a player who knows what to say to wash my females'brains.

[Scottdmw]

The solutions are kind of off. If a girl gives a chance to every online's guy, she should quit her job because it is going to be too too busy. Do you know how many online's males are loooking for ONSs/or married/or personality disorders/or psychos ? It takes about 1-1.5 hrs to get ready for a date (driving included). WTF You recommend to check out all the guys a few times per week. It is going to be a very depressing waste of time. It is going to be very disgusting to spend so much time with the guys. What kind of chemistry are you talking about? If you mean the guys who i want to f....k, I want to f...k most young hot guys.

But, it does not mean that I am really going to do that. Compatability is much more complicated than the false chemistry of the first date. Sure, I am going to feel a lot of chemistry with a player who knows what to say to wash my females'brains.

 

No one said anything about dating married, psycho, personality disordered, etc. I'm simply suggesting that women should be somewhat (not radically) more open-minded towards a first meeting than they are right now.

[GivenUp0083]

Scott, very well written post and I agree with 100% of your points. I just wish this had a better way to reach the audience of women who are online dating, because I feel many of them could benefit from this.

 

I was someone who struggled with online dating for quite a while. I sometimes would be able to land dates, but many times I found out we didn't have much in common at all once we met, and I attributed to the desperation of just wanting to get my money's worth and date since my response rates were generally very low with women I felt I may have more in common with.

 

However, my only side argument I would like to make is that I always try to look at women with the "wrong mentality" toward online dating as somewhat dodging gunfire. I'm someone who really values positive attitude and open minded people. Women who would not respond to my email simply because I didn't meet X criteria or I wasn't one of the hottest guys they got an email from are women I felt would not be a good fit for me anyway. They ruled themselves out without me wasting my time or money on them.

 

I found a great girl after a year and a half of struggle to find someone, and I'm glad I did because it taught me to stick to my guns, be a good guy, only email women I felt I had an interest in, and I would eventually find the most amazing girl I've ever met my entire life. Things couldn't be more perfect right now and I appreciate her that much more knowing what else is out there.

[GivenUp0083]

I mean, I know guys just dig that. They always say "Only write me if you are are fun, wild and adventurous." I don't really know where I stand with that, so I don't write to them.

 

There's always two thoughts behind this scenario that plagued me and it's really more a judgment call.

 

I agree with Scott that maybe some men are writing their profile a certain way to make themselves more in demand, but I can tell you there's probably a lot of "good guys" out there who do this maybe out of frustration or desperation. They really do have a lot to offer, they maybe just received poor advice or are fed up with getting no responses so they are trying something.

 

The flip side of this, is that as a man who really values positivity in the attitude of women I date, this is a huge turn off when women make a statement such as "don't bother messaging me if....."

 

Now if they say don't message me if you're just looking to hook up then it could be just a general and harmless statement and I may overlook it and email anyway. But I've also seen plenty of don't message me if--followed by a list of things ranging from height, musical tastes, and political party affiliations. I would say I almost immediately stop reading a woman's profile if I even get a small whiff of bitterness or negativity.

[Crazy Magnet]

I must be a rare woman to spend so much time trying to get from the emailing stage to the meet in person stage as fast as possible. I've given online dating another shot since my last LTR ended (which began online) and I've been out with 5 or 6 guys in the past month. I had a lot of out of town travel and other things to work around so I didn't have many free nights.

 

My theory is that it's going to take meeting A LOT of guys to find one I want to be with (who also wants to be with me.) Email and pictures can only tell you so much.

 

I'll generally give most people a chance who meet the minimum criteria: Non-smoker, degree (at least BA), decent looking, 5'10" or taller, and normal/athletic build.

[green_tea]

I agree with OP about having a more detailed profile. Mine is, and I've had men say that they like that. And this way I don't have to waste time with people I'd be completely incompatible with.

 

However I wouldn't encourage women to meet men they feel no chemistry with at all online. I've only met a handful, and pretty much knew beforehand I wouldn't be attracted to them, and I was right. So now I've decided I am only going to meet in person now if I feel there is potential.

[oaks]

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to respond to a particular woman because her picture was cute, but ultimately didn't because even after 10 minutes of trying I could not find a single thing in her profile to compose an e-mail about that didn't seem boring to me.

 

I've been there, too. If the profile doesn't include something that can reasonably work as a conversation opener then I end up thinking "wait, do I really have nothing in common with her, or did she just fail to say anything about herself?" If I have nothing in common with her despite her listing lots of interests then there's not much point getting in touch, and if she failed to mention anything in her profile beyond "I like to go out and I also like to stay in. I'm warm and caring and all my friends say I'm a great catch." then I just assume that her main assets are her looks and that she won't have much to say over dinner, so I generally don't bother contacting them either.

 

I want to date someone who is both pretty and intelligent, and I'd like to be able to send an initial email that's better than "sup?", so her profile had better say something!

[Scottdmw]

I must be a rare woman to spend so much time trying to get from the emailing stage to the meet in person stage as fast as possible. I've given online dating another shot since my last LTR ended (which began online) and I've been out with 5 or 6 guys in the past month. I had a lot of out of town travel and other things to work around so I didn't have many free nights.

 

My theory is that it's going to take meeting A LOT of guys to find one I want to be with (who also wants to be with me.) Email and pictures can only tell you so much.

 

I'll generally give most people a chance who meet the minimum criteria: Non-smoker, degree (at least BA), decent looking, 5'10" or taller, and normal/athletic build.

 

I actually think seeing 5 or 6 people in a month is pretty good. Certainly it's possible to do more, but that's probably enough. I think what you're doing is great.

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with the OP and would like to share this.

 

There was one guy I met online who was charming, had all the same hobbies as me, his picture seemed attractive enough, and we had extremely deep convos over the phone. I met him in person and OMG, it exploded in my face. I'm not picky at all, but he was extremely unattractive in person. (He weighed about 400 pounds, had hideous looking teeth that he hid in his pictures, and a penis the size of a baby's, not exaggerating!) We didn't have any chemistry at all in person and not just because of his looks. We just didn't click when we were together. It was hard to do things we both enjoyed and harder to talk, but we'd get back online or on the phone and BAM! Easy conversation again. It didn't make a lot of sense.

 

Then there was this other guy who contacted me online. He had horrific spelling, so bad that I couldn't follow the majority of our conversations. His picture was awful and he seemed kind of sleezy online. I met him in person and those were some of the best dates I ever had in my life. He was very handsome in person, he was attentive and willing to see girly movies with me. He was complimentary and smelled wonderful. His hair was soft and so were his lips. He was very chivalrous. I honestly miss him to some degree and yet I almost didn't meet him!

 

Don't date a guy if he seems like a psychopath, but honestly, men do misrepresent themselves online.

[bac]

No one said anything about dating married, psycho, personality disordered, etc. I'm simply suggesting that women should be somewhat (not radically) more open-minded towards a first meeting than they are right now.

 

IMO 95% of the first dates are going to be with married guys/and ........

But, if a girl exchanges several meaningful emails with the guys, she can figure out that they are wrong without spending her money on the coffee, gas and probably anxiolitics and antidepressants.

[GivenUp0083]

I must be a rare woman to spend so much time trying to get from the emailing stage to the meet in person stage as fast as possible. I've given online dating another shot since my last LTR ended (which began online) and I've been out with 5 or 6 guys in the past month. I had a lot of out of town travel and other things to work around so I didn't have many free nights.

 

My theory is that it's going to take meeting A LOT of guys to find one I want to be with (who also wants to be with me.) Email and pictures can only tell you so much.

 

I'll generally give most people a chance who meet the minimum criteria: Non-smoker, degree (at least BA), decent looking, 5'10" or taller, and normal/athletic build.

 

This always bothered me as I'm only 5'8", however IRL finding girls to go out with or draw attraction from never was a hinderance. I guess women don't find me to be "short" in person as a number like 5'8" does.

 

Just curious, how tall are you? I can understand not wanting to date a shorter guy, but what about a guy you'd be close in height with? or maybe an inch taller than if you wore 3 inch heels?

 

I only ask because my gf is 5'6" and she admitted she almost didn't respond to my first email because I was 5'8".....she is more than glad she was able to overlook it.

 

 

I agree with OP about having a more detailed profile. Mine is, and I've had men say that they like that. And this way I don't have to waste time with people I'd be completely incompatible with.

 

However I wouldn't encourage women to meet men they feel no chemistry with at all online. I've only met a handful, and pretty much knew beforehand I wouldn't be attracted to them, and I was right. So now I've decided I am only going to meet in person now if I feel there is potential.

 

I guess I'm a little baffled by this statement. How exactly do you feel chemistry with someone without at least speaking to them on the phone, let alone meeting face to face? If went by this rule, I would've never gone out on a single date, I never feel chemistry with people I haven't met before...

 

IMO 95% of the first dates are going to be with married guys/and ........

But, if a girl exchanges several meaningful emails with the guys, she can figure out that they are wrong without spending her money on the coffee, gas and probably anxiolitics and antidepressants.

 

I'm sorry you've fallen into a hole where you think the entire world is one way just because you've been burned by it. I've been there, I know it sucks, but don't let it beat you. Everyone has had bad dating experiences one way or another, are you going to let it get the best of you and ruin your chance of ever being happy with someone? Man up.

[spiderowl]

Well, some interesting thoughts Scott. I agree with them mostly but quite frankly I would happily see someone who was intelligent, somewhat attractive to me and could write coherent and pleasant messages. It just doesn't seem to work like that in online dating for women. 75% of messages are crude or incoherent; the rest are a mixture of OK guys who I'm not attracted to or who are way out of my age range, young guys who must be mad approaching a woman 20 years older than them, and then the few who might be possibles but then tend to work out as being wrong in some other way, like they don't smell right in person or have an odd manner or simply seem so much older than me mentally. It seems impossible to find someone on the same wavelength, even if I completely ignore the physical attraction element.

[green_tea]

I guess I'm a little baffled by this statement. How exactly do you feel chemistry with someone without at least speaking to them on the phone, let alone meeting face to face? If went by this rule, I would've never gone out on a single date, I never feel chemistry with people I haven't met before...

 

I probably used the wrong words. But you do know when you are not going to develop feelings for someone - otherwise you'd be meeting every single online person that contacts you. I'm just going to be a lot pickier now about who I meet in person.

[stepka]

There was one guy I met online who was charming, had all the same hobbies as me, his picture seemed attractive enough, and we had extremely deep convos over the phone. I met him in person and OMG, it exploded in my face. I'm not picky at all, but he was extremely unattractive in person. (He weighed about 400 pounds, had hideous looking teeth that he hid in his pictures, and a penis the size of a baby's, not exaggerating!) We didn't have any chemistry at all in person and not just because of his looks. We just didn't click when we were together. It was hard to do things we both enjoyed and harder to talk, but we'd get back online or on the phone and BAM! Easy conversation again. It didn't make a lot of sense.

 

OK, I'm dying to know--if he looked like that, then how in the world did you let him get close enough for you to find out his penis size?

 

I must say that OLD isn't working out too well for me either and I'm pretty sure that I'm at least semi-attractive, I have about 6 pix uploaded and none of them are goofy--just recent, regular shots and full body shots, and I'm pretty sure that my profile is interesting and has things that a man could respond to. I suppose it could be the combo of my age (51) and the fact that I'm on OKC. I've had people compliment me on an interesting and well written profile but mostly guys saying things like, "Wanna chat?" and I'm wondering what that even means. Or guys who demand my phone number first thing before even writing me a proper message. A man who sounds schizophrenic and a lesbian who thinks I'm "stunning." The one I like best is my penpal from 800 miles away who smokes and has cats--2 things I can't deal with, but the letters are interesting so we keep writing.

[Enchanted Girl]

OK, I'm dying to know--if he looked like that, then how in the world did you let him get close enough for you to find out his penis size?

 

Not a proud moment in my life, but I had just broken up with my ex and I was desperate. That's the truth.

 

And also, he was the first man I had ever met in my life that I wasn't attracted to and I felt guilty because he was nice, so I was trying to overlook it, but I couldn't. It was when I discovered that there were actually some exceptions to who I can be attracted to. I used to think there wasn't.

 

I'd post a pic to show I wasn't exaggerating, but that would be too mean. I'd prefer he remain anonymous then find one day that his picture is out on the internet like that and people are discussing his appearance.

 

Because I don't hate him, but he was genuinely UGLY. My friends kept asking me why I was doing that to myself. And so did my Mom and my Dad and everyone.

 

He had no friends and never left the house and had no job. He was just spending all his time sitting on the couch and getting fat. That's the truth.

 

You are probably offended because you think I am describing some average looking guy. I'm not. I'm actually attracted to fat men. My current boyfriend is 300 pounds, but this guy was just too much.

 

And trust me, when I broke it off with him, he made me feel horrible. He called me a fickle bitch and said I was shallow for not loving him with his funny teeth, tiny dick, no job, and 400 pounds, even though he was a nice guy, but I just couldn't. There wasn't a future with him, even if he hadn't looked that way and I didn't find that out until after I met him.

Edited April 8, 2011 by Enchanted Girl

[Scottdmw]

 

I only ask because my gf is 5'6" and she admitted she almost didn't respond to my first email because I was 5'8".....she is more than glad she was able to overlook it.

.

 

It's funny, OKCupid did a survey and found that the bell curve for the male heights on their site was 2 inches higher than that of the general population. Moral--men on average exaggerate their height by 2". But, perhaps women "expect" this--if a man says he is 5'8" maybe she assumes he is really more like 5'6".