Spamalot64 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I have a best friend that I've known for 12 years (I'm a sophomore in college) and we tell each other everything. My boyfriend doesn't really like this because he wants our relationship to be just between us. I have been keeping things to myself recently and not telling her as much which she is ok with and understands the reasoning. My boyfriend and I recently had sex for the first time and as I was a virgin I felt like this was big news that I needed to share with my best friend. My boyfriend told me he would rather I not tell her but I assumed he would more or less be ok with it. I told her and now my boyfriend is very very upset because I have ruined any chance of sex just being between the two of us anymore. How do I convince him that it is still special?
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You can't. You turned your own private, intimate moment into salacious gossip. Congratulations! You now are truly a woman. Revel in your accomplishment and be proud.
SweetDaphne Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I have a best friend that I've known for 12 years (I'm a sophomore in college) and we tell each other everything. My boyfriend doesn't really like this because he wants our relationship to be just between us. I have been keeping things to myself recently and not telling her as much which she is ok with and understands the reasoning. My boyfriend and I recently had sex for the first time and as I was a virgin I felt like this was big news that I needed to share with my best friend. My boyfriend told me he would rather I not tell her but I assumed he would more or less be ok with it. I told her and now my boyfriend is very very upset because I have ruined any chance of sex just being between the two of us anymore. How do I convince him that it is still special? I'd be wary of this situation. It sounds like he's trying to control you and who you interact with. You should be allowed to speak to someone outside of your relationship and his strong reaction to that is unsettling to me. Be on the look out for any other controlling clues: ie telling you what you should wear, where you should go, needing to know where you are at all times, who you hang out with, etc. If he does any of that - you need to back out of the relationship - fast!
SweetDaphne Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You can't. You turned your own private, intimate moment into salacious gossip. Congratulations! You now are truly a woman. Revel in your accomplishment and be proud. Spamalot - Ignore this guys 'advice.' It's always horrible.
Kelemort Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You can't. You turned your own private, intimate moment into salacious gossip. Congratulations! You now are truly a woman. Revel in your accomplishment and be proud. Agreed. Your sex life is not just about you - it's also with the people with whom you share it. In this case, your boyfriend. He made his feelings about sex, and the privacy he desired, clear to you. You betrayed his trust and went and blabbed about it to your friend. He should be angry with you. You went out of your way to disrespect his desires, and for what? Did your friend REALLY need to know that you had sex for the first time? Pfft, no! You need to apologize to him and admit to your mistake. And we'll see what he shares with you in confidence from here on out given that you couldn't keep this one a secret.
Kelemort Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I'd be wary of this situation. It sounds like he's trying to control you and who you interact with. You should be allowed to speak to someone outside of your relationship and his strong reaction to that is unsettling to me. Be on the look out for any other controlling clues: ie telling you what you should wear, where you should go, needing to know where you are at all times, who you hang out with, etc. If he does any of that - you need to back out of the relationship - fast! I see nothing controlling here. This isn't just about her, it's also about him. I wouldn't be pleased to have my sex life advertised to all of my boyfriend's friends, so I wouldn't do it to him. When you choose to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to make reasonable accommodations to your lifestyle. The things you're describing are definitely controlling, as they have very little to do with him. But asking that she not spread the news about their sex life? That's not controlling. Maybe they're younger and he wants to keep family from finding out, and once that kind of information breaks the first circle and enters the second, who knows where it might go.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I'd be wary of this situation. It sounds like he's trying to control you and who you interact with. You should be allowed to speak to someone outside of your relationship and his strong reaction to that is unsettling to me. Be on the look out for any other controlling clues: ie telling you what you should wear, where you should go, needing to know where you are at all times, who you hang out with, etc. If he does any of that - you need to back out of the relationship - fast! If a guy bragged about his sexual conquest even if it was his first to his best pal he would be the creep and we wouldn't be sounding the overly controlling, possessive girlfriend alarm. I am glad to see the continued observance of the double standard. If we don't remain ever vigilant who will protect these national treasures?
SweetDaphne Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Maybe they're younger and he wants to keep family from finding out, and once that kind of information breaks the first circle and enters the second, who knows where it might go. Ok so OP - How old are you? Exactly what DID you tell your friend? I think a girl should be allowed to tell someone, especially a close friend about the first time they sex - not minute detail, but be allowed to share that information. We have no idea exactly how much the girl tells her friend. I mean by the OPs description he has an issue with WHATEVER she tells her friend about. Kelemort - you have to admit that you talk to your friends about your boyfriend, if only to get advice or share something cute he's done? My problem is that he's told he doesn't like her telling her friend anything.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 My problem is that he's told he doesn't like her telling her friend anything. Probably because she shares things like this. Prior bad acts have created a pattern that has stuck in his mind. He needs to dump her.
Author Spamalot64 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Ok so OP - How old are you? Exactly what DID you tell your friend? I think a girl should be allowed to tell someone, especially a close friend about the first time they sex - not minute detail, but be allowed to share that information. We have no idea exactly how much the girl tells her friend. I mean by the OPs description he has an issue with WHATEVER she tells her friend about. Kelemort - you have to admit that you talk to your friends about your boyfriend, if only to get advice or share something cute he's done? My problem is that he's told he doesn't like her telling her friend anything. We're both 20 and it was the first time for me but he's had sex numerous other times. I only told her that it happened. Not how many times it happened, when, or where. Nothing except that it had happened
Dlyrica Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 My own opinion is that is a definite red flag...be wary girl! You should be able to tell your best friend of 12 years that you've had sex for the first time. The fact that he was cutting off your communication before this is even more alarming...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 My own opinion is that is a definite red flag...be wary girl! You should be able to tell your best friend of 12 years that you've had sex for the first time. The fact that he was cutting off your communication before this is even more alarming... While I can appreciate the positions of those citing a double standard, this person seems to have the best take on the scenario described. It really isn't outlandish that two female friends of 12 years' duration would share such news. Indeed the guy was trying to squelch their friendship before the big night, so that must be considered as well. Tricky stuff.
Crimesoftheheart Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) The people who are calling your actions 'salacious gossip' are overreacting. This is a landmark occasion in your life that you will remember for the rest of your life. You have every right to share it with your closest friend and confidant. just because you do so does not delegate your boyfriend or the experience itself to a lesser degree of importance in your life. You're not writing about it in a blog, you're not publishing it with the world. You are sharing it with your closest friend of 12 years. If you're 20, you've been friends since what, 8? Of course you have every right to share this incredible new experience with her. Its your right to do so. Who DOESNT talk about losing their virginity outside their relationship? That is INSANITY. Your boyfriend is controlling. Be wary. Edited April 6, 2011 by Crimesoftheheart
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