Lilmisus Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 There's been this guy who's been pursuing me for the past couple of days. He seems like a winner in the fact that he has a great paying job, is in college and has high hopes for the future, seems to be very friendly, a romantic, and seems good "rebound potential" for me. Especially since around the time things ended with my ex, things ended for his year long relationship as well, so he's in the same boat as I am, except keeping NC at all. The thing is, is that I don't know what he's expecting from me at all. He said that he's willing to remain friends and just talk and get to know one another till I'm ready to go out again, and until then he's comfortable just telling me all the time that I'm beautiful, that I'm a great person, and keeps saying he admires certain things about me..you know, telling me all the stuff girls want to hear. But (though we haven't really talked about it at all).. I know that he's way more sexually experienced than I am and that he is used to having sex early on in the relationship (after a couple of dates)..and I'm just not for that at all. I prefer waiting to know if they mean something to me first or not. I'm worried that that's all he's hoping to get out of me (what with all the compliments and pushing us to go out), and especially since he just needs a rebound right now as much as I do. Like someone told me before, just because you say yes to going out with somebody, it doesn't mean you're saying yes to sex with them as well. But, I'm just afraid that he will think of it that way..and it's not really what I want right now at all. I'm just looking for a few dates from some good guys, and he seems to be only focused on me. Should I take the risk regardless? A few friends are telling me to, but I'm not sure if I should or not, at all.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 he has a great paying job, is in college ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! The thing is, is that I don't know what he's expecting from me at all. He is expecting sex like any guy. Like someone told me before, just because you say yes to going out with somebody, it doesn't mean you're saying yes to sex with them as well.You really needed someone to tell you that? How old are you? I'm just looking for a few dates from some good guys, and he seems to be only focused on me.Oh so you are looking to use him for what you want and then throw him away. Forget what he wants. It is all about you baby. How is this better than getting involved in a purely rebound sex scenario with some random guy? A few friends are telling me to, but I'm not sure if I should or not, at all.So you need us and your friends to determine who you date and spread for. Why? I find a girls' friends to be the worst judges when it comes to determining who to date with the girl being almost as bad. Still you need to make your own choices. You won't be happy if others choose for you especially me.
fishtaco Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 If you're just looking for a rebound, why are you worried about high hopes for the future and being a winner? You just need someone that gives you attention that doesn't annoy you in the short term.
Hules Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 There's been this guy who's been pursuing me for the past couple of days. He seems like a winner in the fact that he has a great paying job, is in college and has high hopes for the future, seems to be very friendly, a romantic, and seems good "rebound potential" for me. Especially since around the time things ended with my ex, things ended for his year long relationship as well, so he's in the same boat as I am, except keeping NC at all. The thing is, is that I don't know what he's expecting from me at all. He said that he's willing to remain friends and just talk and get to know one another till I'm ready to go out again, and until then he's comfortable just telling me all the time that I'm beautiful, that I'm a great person, and keeps saying he admires certain things about me..you know, telling me all the stuff girls want to hear. But (though we haven't really talked about it at all).. I know that he's way more sexually experienced than I am and that he is used to having sex early on in the relationship (after a couple of dates)..and I'm just not for that at all. I prefer waiting to know if they mean something to me first or not. I'm worried that that's all he's hoping to get out of me (what with all the compliments and pushing us to go out), and especially since he just needs a rebound right now as much as I do. Like someone told me before, just because you say yes to going out with somebody, it doesn't mean you're saying yes to sex with them as well. But, I'm just afraid that he will think of it that way..and it's not really what I want right now at all. I'm just looking for a few dates from some good guys, and he seems to be only focused on me. Should I take the risk regardless? A few friends are telling me to, but I'm not sure if I should or not, at all. Don't lead a guy on if your not interested, I had a girl do this to me last week... its ****ing immature. Don't **** around with good guys if you are just looking for a rebound, leave them for the ladies that actually want them.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Don't lead a guy on if your not interested, I had a girl do this to me last week... its ****ing immature. But that's how she gets off. That's how they all get off.
Hules Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 But that's how she gets off. That's how they all get off. No you would be amazed, some women actually have this rare trait called "class".
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 No you would be amazed, some women actually have this rare trait called "class". They are called school girls. They usually have class 5 times a week.
Hules Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 They are called school girls. They usually have class 5 times a week. Touché, that made me laugh honestly.
Hules Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Also would just like to remind you made a thread a few days ago complaining about how your guy "friends" hit on you, and you didn't want to give them the wrong idea or lead them on. Why do it to this poor guy? It doesn't say much about your character if you go through with this.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 But rules and standards don't apply to girls even when it is their own.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 He actually knows what Im looking for and knows that Im just looking for a few dates with a few guys to give me hope in the male population again. He is also just looking for a rebound but Im just worried that our ideas of rebound differ or he has a different idea of what I meant since he's so persistent
Hules Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 He actually knows what Im looking for and knows that Im just looking for a few dates with a few guys to give me hope in the male population again. He is also just looking for a rebound but Im just worried that our ideas of rebound differ or he has a different idea of what I meant since he's so persistent I'm going to give you the male perspective again. If you have no intention with sleeping with this guy you need to be crystal clear with him from the start. As in actually saying to him "I'm not interested in having sex, I just want to go out and have a nice time." if you haven't told him this you are not been clear enough. Anything less you are leading him on. I know girls who acted like this at your age thinking it was "harmless fun" to lead guys on, go out on a few dates then try to friend zone them when they tried to move things further. I'll give you some insight to what happened to those girls. They got a Masters Degree from Cocktease University. Burn enough guys and some of them will get a mob vendetta mentality against you. You will get a rep for been selfish, manipulative and deceitful. Once you get a reputation like that you will be surprised how long and far it follows you. I tell you any guy of substance won't touch a girl who has a reputation of been selfish, manipulative and deceitful. Despite what you may think guys do talk about girls especially ones who have bad reps and they will go out of their way to warn other guys to stay well away. Just a bit of food for thought Lil I've always gone with the policy to treat people the way I would be like to be treated, you should do the same.
musemaj11 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I bet this guy is going to pay for all the dates, too. Double standard is awesome.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 It's the last of my goals to lead anyone on, but I really don't think I am here, honestly. He knows I'm not ready to date anyone yet. He knows I'm just looking do date casually and that I'm very picky with who I go out with, and that I hate guys who behave like dogs. He even knows that I'm not even completely interested in him yet and that I'm completely unsure about things and that I just need to rebound from my ex (just as he does). I am willing to sleep with him, only if we're exclusive and in a serious relationship..just going on a couple dates isn't going to do it for me. He doesn't know that bit yet, because we haven't even talked about it yet. If we do, and he says that that doesn't work for him, then I'll stop talking to him and I wont let it go any further than it has gone. Countless people though that know me and know the situation I am in are telling me to just go out with him as a "practice date" even if I'm not completely interested. I don't like this idea, and I'd like to at least go out with him with a positive thought process of hoping that it could go further than just a couple of dates, but according to just about everybody..that's what I need to do right now.
Hules Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) It's the last of my goals to lead anyone on, but I really don't think I am here, honestly. He knows I'm not ready to date anyone yet. He knows I'm just looking do date casually and that I'm very picky with who I go out with, and that I hate guys who behave like dogs. He even knows that I'm not even completely interested in him yet and that I'm completely unsure about things and that I just need to rebound from my ex (just as he does). I am willing to sleep with him, only if we're exclusive and in a serious relationship..just going on a couple dates isn't going to do it for me. He doesn't know that bit yet, because we haven't even talked about it yet. If we do, and he says that that doesn't work for him, then I'll stop talking to him and I wont let it go any further than it has gone. Countless people though that know me and know the situation I am in are telling me to just go out with him as a "practice date" even if I'm not completely interested. I don't like this idea, and I'd like to at least go out with him with a positive thought process of hoping that it could go further than just a couple of dates, but according to just about everybody..that's what I need to do right now. Lil my dear, read the parts in bold that alone tells me that you are not ready (which is fine, I only felt ready to start dating again after 5 months after breaking up with my last ex. I however wasn't going to lead some poor girl on to make myself feel better.) why are you letting other people influence you? Honestly I would tell them to bugger off. Only you know whats right for you. May I ask why you feel the need for a rebound? Is it honestly something you want. Or is it something your "friends" are hounding you to do? I used to have "friends" like that, they weren't really my friends because they didn't respect that I wasn't ready to start dating people shortly after a breakup. That my morals clashed with the idea of a rebound, of using someone else to make myself temporarily feel better went against the core of who I am. Just so you know I've never been in a rebound, because honestly its using someone else to mask the pain of my failed relationship and its honestly not fair on the other person. Someone usually ends up getting hurt in a rebound and it ends up setting you back even further. Edited April 6, 2011 by Hules
Author Lilmisus Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Lil my dear, read the parts in bold that alone tells me that you are not ready (which is fine, I only felt ready to start dating again after 5 months after breaking up with my last ex. I however wasn't going to lead some poor girl on to make myself feel better.) why are you letting other people influence you? Honestly I would tell them to bugger off. Only you know whats right for you. May I ask why you feel the need for a rebound? Is it honestly something you want. Or is it something your "friends" are hounding you to do? I used to have "friends" like that, they weren't really my friends because they didn't respect that I wasn't ready to start dating people shortly after a breakup. That my morals clashed with the idea of a rebound, of using someone else to make myself temporarily feel better went against the core of who I am. Just so you know I've never been in a rebound, because honestly its using someone else to mask the pain of my failed relationship and its honestly not fair on the other person. Someone usually ends up getting hurt in a rebound and it ends up setting you back even further. I feel the need for a rebound because I was in this mindset that he was the absolute only one I wanted. That no guy could compare to what I felt for him, and I didn't even want to consider the idea of dating anyone else. Last night I talked to him about things again, and he told me that I was more infatuated with him than he was in me..and that stung, but it was what I needed to close the door on him, and I felt more open minded and like he broke whatever spell he cast over me (corny I know ) by telling me that all we had was infatuation and that he didn't care about me the way he made me believe he did. I felt like I was ready to date again last night, and I told this guy that I may be up for a date in a week or two, but I wasn't sure just yet, and he once again..since he was up for waiting. I just need someone to remind me that hey..there's other guys out there, who will treat me right, and that what I felt towards him was a love that I could feel towards anyone else, if given the chance. I don't just want to date someone though who is only rebound material..I want to date someone who is potential LTR material..and this guy seems he could be, but I don't want to be the one getting hurt by only being rebound sex material to him...you know what I'm saying? Is it a bad idea for two people fresh out of relationships to date one another when neither are looking for serious relationships just yet? Or is it the perfect mix for success in rebounding? Never made a guy a rebound before, never wanted to, but it feels like that's what I need right now.
BeginAgain Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 He even knows that I'm not even completely interested in him yet Please don't do this. You aren't interested. Love or attraction isn't just going to leap out of the picture plane like a pop up book. Don't date even if it is casual or for a rebound if you don't really want him. If you have to doubt your feelings about him then they aren't there. Go find someone you like. He may have received your words but not their intention. He is flirting with you heavily because he expects sex or more. It might be more rather than sex because it is easier to get sex with less effort unless you are gorgeous. I wish the girls would put up pics so I could give a more honest opinion because he sees you but all I see is text. It would be even easier if I saw how you interacted with each other. Countless people though that know me and know the situation I am in are telling me to just go out with him as a "practice date" even if I'm not completely interested. I don't like this idea, and I'd like to at least go out with him with a positive thought process of hoping that it could go further than just a couple of dates, but according to just about everybody..that's what I need to do right now. You don't need to practice. If you have been single in the past couple years and have dated before you don't need to mess around with people to get your bearings.
one goal Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I agree. You should go out with this guy. He likes you, and wants you. You should give this guy a shot! I wish women were like that with me!
Hules Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) I feel the need for a rebound because I was in this mindset that he was the absolute only one I wanted. That no guy could compare to what I felt for him, and I didn't even want to consider the idea of dating anyone else. Last night I talked to him about things again, and he told me that I was more infatuated with him than he was in me..and that stung, but it was what I needed to close the door on him, and I felt more open minded and like he broke whatever spell he cast over me (corny I know ) by telling me that all we had was infatuation and that he didn't care about me the way he made me believe he did. I felt like I was ready to date again last night, and I told this guy that I may be up for a date in a week or two, but I wasn't sure just yet, and he once again..since he was up for waiting. I just need someone to remind me that hey..there's other guys out there, who will treat me right, and that what I felt towards him was a love that I could feel towards anyone else, if given the chance. I don't just want to date someone though who is only rebound material..I want to date someone who is potential LTR material..and this guy seems he could be, but I don't want to be the one getting hurt by only being rebound sex material to him...you know what I'm saying? Is it a bad idea for two people fresh out of relationships to date one another when neither are looking for serious relationships just yet? Or is it the perfect mix for success in rebounding? Never made a guy a rebound before, never wanted to, but it feels like that's what I need right now. Lil you honestly sound like a good girl who is getting some terrible advice from the people around you. I know exactly what you are saying, and most rebound situations end up been a bunch of NSA sex then one person goes "well that was fun... seeya!". It is a bad idea to jump into dating after a recent breakup. You haven't had time to fully heal and process the feelings. By jumping into dating you are only trying to avoid those feelings and most likely will end up getting used or using someone yourself. Making you feel even worse. I honestly suggest avoiding dating for now and just focus on going through the process of dealing with your feelings and doing whats right for you. **** the people around you putting pressure on you to date. If they were your real friends they would understand this. When you feel ready you will know. To me, just from the way you are writing I can tell you are not ready and strongly advise you not to do it. Take this from a guy who has had his heart broken more times than I care to admit, you end up been a better person if you don't use others to mask your pain. Edited April 6, 2011 by Hules
Author Lilmisus Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Lil you honestly sound like a good girl who is getting some terrible advice from the people around you. I know exactly what you are saying, and most rebound situations end up been a bunch of NSA sex then one person goes "well that was fun... seeya!". It is a bad idea to jump into dating after a recent breakup. You haven't had time to fully heal and process the feelings. By jumping into dating you are only trying to avoid those feelings and most likely will end up getting used or using someone yourself. Making you feel even worse. I honestly suggest avoiding dating for now and just focus on going through the process of dealing with your feelings and doing whats right for you. **** the people around you putting pressure on you to date. If they were your real friends they would understand this. When you feel ready you will know. To me, just from the way you are writing I can tell you are not ready and strongly advise you not to do it. Take this from a guy who has had his heart broken more times than I care to admit, you end up been a better person if you don't use others to mask your pain. After thinking about it, and reading what the couple of you wrote, I think I agree with y'all. People were encouraging me to go out with him just go out with him (which I've never done before), and not because I was really interested in him. In fact, the idea of going out with this guy was more of a turn off than a turn on. He's not the first, and hasn't even been the last guy to ask me out, so to go out with him out of desperation to go on a date just seems needlessly cruel. Friends even said "free dinner!" when I told them he asked, instead of "great guy!" and I think that speaks for itself just what I'd be looking for if I went out with him. If the right guy comes along, who I feel comfortable dating and actually have the first date jitters about, then I will go out with him, even if he comes along tomorrow, and it's not all to do with my ex. There's actually a guy like that in my life right now, who I'm not pursuing at the moment in the least because I absolutely hate the idea of him being just a rebound relationship, and would like to take things further with him, since he actually has my interest and I can see things working out great with him, and wouldn't want to ruin that chance. He'd be the type of guy who I'd be actually fighting to go out with since he's really, really great, and I know he'd treat me great. I'll take your advice for now though, and just wait until I've come to terms with my emotions and heart ache and until I'm emotionally available. Thanks for keeping me from wasting his time (and money) and mine, I think I'll go delete his number now...
BeginAgain Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I really wish you could have been more open and honest earlier with him and yourself. Now he thinks he has a hot date with you some day in the future and all he has to do is wait. You really must be something. Quite the hot stuff. Since you were so into your last guy you should take a hiatus from dating but if you are really into this other guy you should pursue it. Don't see it as a rebound but your next potential relationship.
thatdog Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Friends even said "free dinner!" when I told them he asked, instead of "great guy!" and I think that speaks for itself just what I'd be looking for if I went out with him. These friends of yours sound dangerous. Be especially careful of friends who always respond to troubles by encouraging something 'fun'. true friends will always be there for you in good times and bad with whatever emotional support you need 'party friends' show themselves easily cos they will always be around when youa re having fun. But when things go south they either a- vanish or b- tell you that whetever you problem is it can be easily fixed by a 'party' ( doing something they can have fun with or gossip about) cos they don't want to have to deal with your 'heavy s$^t'.
Hules Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 After thinking about it, and reading what the couple of you wrote, I think I agree with y'all. People were encouraging me to go out with him just go out with him (which I've never done before), and not because I was really interested in him. In fact, the idea of going out with this guy was more of a turn off than a turn on. He's not the first, and hasn't even been the last guy to ask me out, so to go out with him out of desperation to go on a date just seems needlessly cruel. Friends even said "free dinner!" when I told them he asked, instead of "great guy!" and I think that speaks for itself just what I'd be looking for if I went out with him. If the right guy comes along, who I feel comfortable dating and actually have the first date jitters about, then I will go out with him, even if he comes along tomorrow, and it's not all to do with my ex. There's actually a guy like that in my life right now, who I'm not pursuing at the moment in the least because I absolutely hate the idea of him being just a rebound relationship, and would like to take things further with him, since he actually has my interest and I can see things working out great with him, and wouldn't want to ruin that chance. He'd be the type of guy who I'd be actually fighting to go out with since he's really, really great, and I know he'd treat me great. I'll take your advice for now though, and just wait until I've come to terms with my emotions and heart ache and until I'm emotionally available. Thanks for keeping me from wasting his time (and money) and mine, I think I'll go delete his number now... Lil I'm honestly very proud of you right now. You can take solace in the fact that you are now in a higher class than many of your female peers. The way you are thinking, acting are very desirable traits for good, honest guys who wont **** you around. Your "friends" who encouraged you to abuse this guy for free dinner will feel the sting in a few years time. When quality guys won't touch them with a 50 foot pole. I really wish you could have been more open and honest earlier with him and yourself. Now he thinks he has a hot date with you some day in the future and all he has to do is wait. You really must be something. Quite the hot stuff. Since you were so into your last guy you should take a hiatus from dating but if you are really into this other guy you should pursue it. Don't see it as a rebound but your next potential relationship. At least she didn't lead him on for several dates then say shes wants nothing more to do with him. He might be a little disappointed at best, but he will move on. Rather than fuming mad and wanting to kill several kittens/puppies. She was getting ****ty advice from ****ty friends. At least now she now realise's it wasn't such a great idea to begin with.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I really wish you could have been more open and honest earlier with him and yourself. Now he thinks he has a hot date with you some day in the future and all he has to do is wait. You really must be something. Quite the hot stuff. Since you were so into your last guy you should take a hiatus from dating but if you are really into this other guy you should pursue it. Don't see it as a rebound but your next potential relationship. Haha, I definitely wouldn't describe myself as "hot stuff." I know guys find me attractive, and I don't have an issue with finding someone to date, but I think it's more to do with self confidence, which it seems many girls that I know, lack. But, he's known that I wasn't sure about dating him since we started talking a couple of days ago (it's seriously only been a few days-week that he's been trying to get me to go out with him), and so, I think that if I just say "sorry, but I don't think I'm interested in going out with you after thinking it through" or something along those lines, would be enough for him to know (may even have to ignore him for a while or completely so he knows I'm serious, whatev). He even suggested just hanging out as friends, so I may just take him up on that offer if I make it clear that I'm not looking for anything from him (even to allow him to pay for me), but I don't know about that at all. And I may just go after this new guy..I don't know though. I think taking the hiatus from dating would be the best thing for me to do right now, no matter how into him I am. It just sucks because like I said..I'm really into him, and it's a horrible thought to think that while I'm getting my things straight, a girl could come in at any minute and sweep him away, haha. Let's just hope it doesn't happen. If anything does come from him (or anyone) I'll put it on here fo sho.
BeginAgain Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 At least she didn't lead him on for several dates then say shes wants nothing more to do with him. He might be a little disappointed at best, but he will move on. Rather than fuming mad and wanting to kill several kittens/puppies.I just hope in the future there isn't a repeat of this situation due to her own actions with another guy. She was getting ****ty advice from ****ty friends. At least now she now realise's it wasn't such a great idea to begin with. On a personal level I can't understand why women do this where they make important decisions based on the opinions of friends and family instead of their own. This really mucks up relationships. Though I kind of comprehend the reason behind it. I couldn't live for others like this.
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