Armyspouse Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 The husband & I were in a poly relationship w/another female for many years. We broke it off many times over a 9-10 years span. But the last break up about 6 months ago, was for good. Not pointing fingers, not placing blame, it just wasnt working and we needed to go our seperate ways. Yes, we were all involved w/one another seperately as well as a whole. The hard part for me has been.. she was also my best friend. Shared most everything past, present future thoughts, experiences w/one another. We tried being friends through every break up.. Didnt ususally work due to someone always getting jelouse of the other(s) moving forward. But this time, it "SEEMED" we had finally learned how to deal w/it. Or so I thought. It seems she is no where near able to get over the break up. She doesnt want to move forward and only wants to revisit the past and fix all that ever went wrong. Where hubby/I are clearly ready to move on w/our lives. I want her to heal, to find someone special and to love again. I want to be able to heal and move on w/the husband and of course would love to keep the friendship in tact. Seems that is nearly impossible though. If I go away on a trip w/hubby, she gets jelouse that she doesnt have that life anymore. If I spend time w/him out to eat, or out on the town, she takes an attitude and starts acting out or does something that I would consider stupid and childish. Makes facebook comments as if they would possibly upset me, hurt me or even attempt to make me jelouse. Eventually we argue over how childish she is, and I try and understand that the bottom line is she is alone and just doesnt want to move forward. Although she has made many statements, suggestions and advances to rekindle, I refuse, back down, and deny her requests. I just want my friend and nothing more. We have come to realize that the poly life style just isnt for us, and all we want is one another w/no outside interferance. I have struggled very hard to try to find a happy medium, her moving on, and still keep a friendship that means a lot to me. But it just seems too difficult because she isnt really letting go of the idea of what we USE to be, and doesnt accept what we now are.. friends. Its gotten so bad that the husband and I have just signed paperwork so that he could go back active duty and move outta state to escape the madness and allow for distance. We want to get our realtionship back on track and allow her space to get her life on track. I am actually looking forward to the move. I guess what I am wondering is.. Is it possible to be friends w/an EX? Or will this always to some degree have some sort of issue? I wanna fight for the friendship now that I no longer have the fight for the relationship. I am very clear in my words/actions and never miss lead her in anyway. I am just not 100% sure if this will ever end as friends... most likely enemies. Army Spouse
Chi townD Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 And I think you would be lying to me if this hasn't caused...static... between your husband and yourself in some way. I really hate the swinging lifestyle, nothing but trouble if you ask me. And stats prove that couples that swing NORMALLY don't last very long. As far as the third party is concern, I'm sorry but you can't go from an intense relationship to back to being friends. Sorry, it won't work. I think that you have to cut ties completely and go NC. And I believe that deep down...you realize that too. If you want to be exculsive with your husband, you have to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. He has to fully understand where you're coming from. And I would strongly suggest marriage counseling here. Because for the longest time, this wasn't what most would consider a traditional marriage and you're going to have to get to know your husband all over again and live life for just the two of you and your family.
Dust Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 She doesn’t want to be friends, and probably never will. How nice or great you feel it would be doesn't matter. I think the best thing you can do for every one involved is cut all contact, and give up on this idea of becoming friends again.
Author Armyspouse Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 @ chi town, Hubby & I have sat down and had many heart to hearts. This whole "swing" life style (for lack of a better term) was something I wanted. I studied for some time on the possibility of having multiple partners, having been cheated on in a previous marriage as well as having cheated, I thought at that time.. what a great way to maintain an open and honest relationship w/out *as much* of a risk of being lied to or cheated on etc. We were active in polyamory groups, therapy by a poly counselor, and practiced in a live in environment the belief that it is possible to love more than one person in the absence of jealousy and possesiveness. We (he & I) were very open and honest, she not so much. Bottom line, now, many years later.. We all knew it wasnt working, we all avoided it. Partly out of regret, guilt, and not wanting to lose what we did have we side stepped it more than delt with it. Now.. I know in my heart that I can not maintain a friendship. Yes in a perfect world I could.. but obviously no one is perfect. The complicated part I didnt mention... We work together. I am her immediate nursing supervisor. We have to communicate at work and that is a place where attitudes and feelings cant effect. Although when she is pissed, hurt, upset, jealous, she will allow that to effect the working relationship. Thus making it difficult for me to do my job. Cant exactly tell someone how to do their job and or even support them when they avoid you even during work. AND BELIEVE ME.. I have had the speach.. Work is work.. I have a job to do and feelings arent to come in the way of that job. But some how she will avoid any and all conversations w/me just to proove a point. Hubby has put in for a Full time position w/the military and we are planning on moving outta state, but that is at least 4 -5 months away. (military is slooowwww) So once that happens I can enforce the NC rule. For now all I can do is have NC while at home. But work.. obviously the NC rule does not apply. I/we have learned a valuable lesson. Hubby & I have become closer, and have enjoyed every moment of the time we do have as a couple and not a 3 some. Life seems so much better, we are so much closer. And enjoy the idea every day of what our future holds as a couple. For me.. I am just trying to make it past this rough patch of avoiding her and work etc.
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