whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 She is in a severe state of depression and has nobody now. I get this ugly thought that she is going to turn back to her ex fiance (we started dating right when they broke it off and she still maintained contact). It would be such a hard pill to swallow to think I was just a rebound and all of the love we had was really nothing but a filler while she worked out feelings for him. This could happen or could not, either one is possible, but I still find myself getting caught up in it. I don't want to worry about possibilities and scenarios that could make me more sad but I can't stop thinking about it.
SingVoice Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You know what? If she does end up going back to her ex...it probably isn't going to work out anyway. I mean...read the second chances threads...about 99% of people who went back to their exes ended up breaking up again within a couple of months. And if she is depressed...well that is going to make it that much worse. I'm just taking a shot in the dark here...but if she doesn't understand her depression...she might be just searching for something (or someone) to make it go away. She might have thought you were it. Then she realized she was still unhappy. Now maybe she thinks her ex is it...but guess what? In a while she'll realize that he isn't it either and she'll leave him too. I don't know much about your situation but it seems like if she is depressed...maybe she hasn't exactly come to terms with it. She has to realize that just going from one guy to another isn't going to solve things. Dealing with a depressed partner is SOOO hard so I really feel for you. It takes a lot out of you to try to understand that no matter what you do...if a person is unhappy...YOU can't fix them. Just work on yourself...grieve...and don't worry about what she may or may not do. I think if we all focused on what (or WHO) our exes are doing...we would go crazy.
poorguy Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 It depends on how long they were together and how long you two have been together for starters...So?
GreenPolicy Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) You can't control what she does. You need to worry about yourself and take care of yourself first. Go NC with your ex and things will start to get better 4-6 months after the breakup. In the meantime, spend time with your friends, don't neglect your diet, exercise regularly, get as much sleep as you can, see a therapist if that is financially feasible...if not, you can find a CODA group near you so you can be with people going through the same thing. When you lose love, it will take time for the emotions to settle and level out. If your love was deep, there are no shortcuts and it's going to be painful for awhile. Right now you need to take care of yourself. If there's one piece of advice I have to people fresh out of a breakup, it's that it is a waste of mental energy to worry about what your ex is doing, who they may be doing it with, what they may be feeling and thinking, whether they miss you or not, etc. When you are considering them, you are not considering yourself. In time you will get the answers you need, with or without their input. But fresh out of a breakup you need to put yourself first, not them. Edited April 5, 2011 by GreenPolicy
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Right now you need to take care of yourself. If there's one piece of advice I have to people fresh out of a breakup, it's that it is a waste of mental energy to worry about what your ex is doing, who they may be doing it with, what they may be feeling and thinking, whether they miss you or not, etc. When you are considering them, you are not considering yourself. Thank you all for your responses. I really need to take this advice to heart but, as you all know, it is hard not to let your mind wander to this point. As for her depression, she completely understands and realizes it. Very much so. Last weekend, as we were making love, her sister exploded on us and me. She rushed out of the room and they got in a huge fight, a physical fight. Later, she told me that she obviously had me because she just ruined her last good relationship (with her sister) for me. Her sister kicked her out and now she has nowhere to go. Literally, no other family to turn to and very few close knit friends. When I called her later on Sunday to ask if she was going to the Mariners game Friday (which she told my best friend she was), she said that her ex fiance invited her but she wasn't going. I don't know if she was lying about not going or not (it would be the one year anniversary of when he proposed to her and I told her it was a little weird). At that point she broke down and said that she was on the verge of losing it (hinted a suicide but when I pushed that she said she would never do that, it is too selfish), but I know she is completely depressed and has been her entire life. She told me that she couldn't handle me bringing drama into her life and that she was at the point where she was ready to tackle her depression but she needed to do it herself and that she couldn't talk to or see me anymore. Hurts because only a week before she told me that I was the best and most caring person that had ever walked into her life and the things I had offered to do for her (ie stop drinking if it helped her heal) were things that nobody else had ever offered her before.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Part of me is struggling as to whether she broke up with me because she wanted to spare me from her depression, in which case, I don't want to be just another guy that abandons her (I know, I know, she abandoned me by breaking up with me, but what if that was her trying to spare me and she really needs to know I care) or if she just doesn't want to be together at all. She told me she loves me, told me I was the best man to walk into her life EVER, and that I "had her' only a day before we broke up. Then the fight with her sister happened, her world crashed even lower and now we are done. I want to support her if she needs it but is to strong/weak to ask, but I don't want to be a fool since she DID break up with me.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Thank you all for your responses. I really need to take this advice to heart but, as you all know, it is hard not to let your mind wander to this point. As for her depression, she completely understands and realizes it. Very much so. Last weekend, as we were making love, her sister exploded on us and me. She rushed out of the room and they got in a huge fight, a physical fight. Later, she told me that she obviously had me because she just ruined her last good relationship (with her sister) for me. Her sister kicked her out and now she has nowhere to go. Literally, no other family to turn to and very few close knit friends. When I called her later on Sunday to ask if she was going to the Mariners game Friday (which she told my best friend she was), she said that her ex fiance invited her but she wasn't going. I don't know if she was lying about not going or not (it would be the one year anniversary of when he proposed to her and I told her it was a little weird). At that point she broke down and said that she was on the verge of losing it (hinted a suicide but when I pushed that she said she would never do that, it is too selfish), but I know she is completely depressed and has been her entire life. She told me that she couldn't handle me bringing drama into her life and that she was at the point where she was ready to tackle her depression but she needed to do it herself and that she couldn't talk to or see me anymore. Hurts because only a week before she told me that I was the best and most caring person that had ever walked into her life and the things I had offered to do for her (ie stop drinking if it helped her heal) were things that nobody else had ever offered her before. Part of me is struggling as to whether she broke up with me because she wanted to spare me from her depression, in which case, I don't want to be just another guy that abandons her (I know, I know, she abandoned me by breaking up with me, but what if that was her trying to spare me and she really needs to know I care) or if she just doesn't want to be together at all. She told me she loves me, told me I was the best man to walk into her life EVER, and that I "had her' only a day before we broke up. Then the fight with her sister happened, her world crashed even lower and now we are done. I want to support her if she needs it but is to strong/weak to ask, but I don't want to be a fool since she DID break up with me. Okay, I have finally got myself to the point this morning where I can step away and go to work. I will probably check this forum in a little bit and could really use some insight on my above to posts. Does anybody have any insight? Anybody deal with a SO with severe depression like this? Have a great day everybody, sure I will see you this evening.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Do people "bump" on here? My head is spinning. She said if I loved her I would give her the space she needs to heal and I will but I don't want to be every other person in her life who just leaves her because of her depression.
Chi townD Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 okay, it sounds like you are the very definition of a rebound relationship. The good thing is, your recongizing it. Hey, it's not your fault that you got feelings for her. It happens. You realize she's depressed, has she seen anyone for this? A doctor? If she's asking for space, the that's exactly what you need to be doing. Go NC. Think with your head and not your heart on these next questions. Is it fair to you to be with her if she still might have feelings for other guy? Do you think it's fair to you that she can't give herself to you fully with mind, body and spirit? You need to go NC. No texts, phone calls e-mails and delete her from FB. Time for you to heal and move on.
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