Am I over reacting?

[EyeJustDontKnow]

Hi all, first post here.

 

Have been in a relationship for about four months now with a woman that I am in love with. We are both in our early 40s, divorced and want a long term relationship. For the most part we are solid, but there are some things that have been eating at me.

 

First off, she is very attractive. It's new territory for me to be honest. She has been with a lot of men in the past but that in and of itself does not bother me. In fact I am a bit flattered Anyway, some of these men were "Friends with benefits". She has been completely open with any of them that have contacted her not knowing about her new status with me and she has made it clear that she has a boyfriend, is in love and is not available any more.

 

All good.

 

So, here is where my question comes in; there is one guy in particular that sort of rubs me the wrong way. He is single, they were friends for a couple years so their friendship predates me. She told me she is not atttacted to him at all but they are good friends. I can accept that.

 

The first time I found out about this guy was sort of weird; I was off work sick during the day and after our usual "Good morning!" text chat I had not heard from her all day. About 6:00 that night I was feeling better and we had this text exchange:

 

Me: Hey whatcha doin?

Her: going out for drinks

Me: <confused> ( I didnt say that but it caught me off guard, she is not a big drinker>

 

I let it slide for a bit and then asked:

 

Me: With friends from work?

Her: No, my friend Jim

Me: Oh.

 

Nothing for a while, then later that night I get some light hearted texts about some raffle or something and am trying my best to not be bothered. to be honest I was not sure how to feel; the whole thing just seemed shady to me even tho I trust her. And I do; but this Jim guy....I have since found out that he has been texting her things like "Maybe you should move on" "I want you to be happy so if they guy you are with now is not making you happy you should leave" etc. Things that personally I think are sort of douchy to be saying to a woman that you know is in a relationship.

 

Anyway, we had a talk that same night and I made my feelings clear, that while I was not really mad or anything it was a little unsettling. She didnt really understand since they are just friends so it ended on sort of a sour note.

 

Fast forward a couple months, and these two seem to communicate a lot. Sometimes I think she talks to him more than me. I try to not let it bother me because when we are together it is jsut fantastic. We say we love each other, and I believe deep down that I love her. I want to trust her. And I think I do, it's this guy that bugs me.

 

Anyway, she stayed over one night and my curiosity got the best of me. I am not proud of it, but I looked at her phone. Now, there was nothing coming from her that was bad; no secret trysts or anything like that, no sexual advances, she is innocent. But I cant help but be bothered when I see things from this guy along the lines of "I need to get laid soon" and more of the "Are you happy with him? If not, then maybe you should move on"

 

I confessed to the phone snooping and also pointed out that I love and trust her, but this guy makes me a little uneasy. If it were the other way around I would not allow that sort of thing. I mean, if I had a female friend that contacted me that much and said those things while I am in a loving relationship, I would feel like it is disrespectful to my girlfriend.

 

Tell me, am I over reacting? Should I just let this go because I trust her and know that she would not sleep around on me?

 

I really do love her and I do not want to smother her or be over bearing. At the same time I dont understand why she doesnt get why this guy sort of bugs me...and during all of this she is getting "advice" from friends that me looking through her phone is crossing the line and makes me obsessive and controlling. So she is confused But when we are together she doesnt think that way. Its only when I am not around and she gets bombarded with all of this "advice" that she gets muddled and doesnt want to talk to me.

 

*confused*

Edited April 5, 2011 by EyeJustDontKnow

[SingVoice]

Well even though some people may disagree about this...I think that you have a right to be a little bit hurt by this. Reason being...when you are in a relationship with someone...there are just some things that you don't do if your partner isn't comfortable with it.

 

For me...I wouldn't go out with a guy alone for drinks if I had a boyfriend. Not unless my boyfriend had met the guy a whole bunch of times and felt comfortable with it. If they were meeting for lunch or something...it might be a little different...but still. Especially if he has feelings for her.

 

If I was in her shoes...I would have discussed it with you before I went. If you had any reservations at all...I wouldn't have gone. Simple as that. OR...I would have invited you to come along. If they are JUST friends...well...then there's no reason that you couldn't go with too.

 

There could be a couple of things going on....either she just likes the attention from men....or she is keeping him as a fallback guy (even if just for hookups) if it doesnt work with you.

[Linda9999]

If the two of you have agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship then she has no business doing that sort of thing with another guy, and she should stop right now.

 

If you haven't talked about or agreed to be exclusive, then you need to talk about it. Either way, she needs to know what you think, and you need to know what she's thinking.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

Thanks for the input.

 

She knows we are exclusive, we have talked about that and there is no ambiguity at all on that point. I am a little leery about bringing up this subject because she has had controlling boyfriends in the past so I do not want to come off as restrictive. Sort of a quandary for me.

 

All I know is I really love her and do trust her. It's this guy that I think is a grade A douchebag with no class. I would never even think about having the kinds of conversations he has with a woman that I know is in a relationship. But he is her "friend" so I have to be careful not to drive her away.

 

Wouldn't it be a sign of distrust to put forth some sort of ultimatum, him or me?

[seibert253]

Have you truly expressed the level at which you have a problem with her "friendship"?

If not, you should.

If she respected you and your relationship, she would honor how you feel, and at least curtail what's going on.

You should be first with her, not "Jim".

[BWLoca]

If he's her friend, why wouldn't he be giving her advice like this? I don't think he's giving any worse advice than a female friend would give her. I would be more concerned with what she's asking him or telling him for him to feel like he could give out this advice. Who says something like that without any prompts?

[EyeJustDontKnow]

If he's her friend, why wouldn't he be giving her advice like this? I don't think he's giving any worse advice than a female friend would give her. I would be more concerned with what she's asking him or telling him for him to feel like he could give out this advice. Who says something like that without any prompts?

 

Because we are human, which means we are not happy 100% of the time. And this is the kind of guy who will text her all the time asking "How are you". Sooner or later its going to land during a time when we may not be having a good day or whatever. From what I have seen all it takes is a response less than "Everything is perfect and I could not be happier" for him to start poking and prodding looking for holes.

[BWLoca]

Again, I don't see the friend as the problem. He doesn't really owe you anything. While you may not have these conversations with someone in a relationship, he obviously doesn't share those values or respect your relationship. And that's really your girlfriend's fault.

Edited April 5, 2011 by BWLoca

[EyeJustDontKnow]

Turns out I was not over reacting and any doubts have been confirmed:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273502/

[Jazzari]

How have your doubts been confirmed? Just because she moved on quickly instead of begging you to take her back? Or because she's angry that you dumped her and said some harsh words? How does that prove she was unfaithful? Did you really expect her to sit home alone crying for a man who dumped her for no good reason?

 

I think you WAY overreacted to the friend thing. And I think your snooping and jealousy put a strain on your relationship and caused the problems and the distance you complained about.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

How have your doubts been confirmed? Just because she moved on quickly instead of begging you to take her back? Or because she's angry that you dumped her and said some harsh words? How does that prove she was unfaithful? Did you really expect her to sit home alone crying for a man who dumped her for no good reason?

 

I think you WAY overreacted to the friend thing. And I think your snooping and jealousy put a strain on your relationship and caused the problems and the distance you complained about.

 

I didnt say anything about her being unfaithful; I said I would not be surprised. It's one of those "Aha!" moments when a bunch of blank spots get filled in.

 

Believe me, my harsh words were nothing compared to the frequent and random alienation I was dealing with.

 

You sound bitter.

[ASG]

How have your doubts been confirmed? Just because she moved on quickly instead of begging you to take her back? Or because she's angry that you dumped her and said some harsh words? How does that prove she was unfaithful? Did you really expect her to sit home alone crying for a man who dumped her for no good reason?

 

I think you WAY overreacted to the friend thing. And I think your snooping and jealousy put a strain on your relationship and caused the problems and the distance you complained about.

 

I agree completely.

 

I personally have no tolerance for people telling me how I can and cannot hang out/talk to.

It's the sort of thing that is a deal breaker to me. And I have had FwB and have several male friends (single or otherwise) and I do go out with them, more often then not, alone.

 

And I put my money where my mouth is, and if the bf has female friends and want to go out with them, I don't object at all. Sometimes it will even happen that we will all go out.

 

And I'm sure I'm not the only person to think like this. Maybe your ex felt the same.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

I agree completely.

 

I personally have no tolerance for people telling me how I can and cannot hang out/talk to.

It's the sort of thing that is a deal breaker to me. And I have had FwB and have several male friends (single or otherwise) and I do go out with them, more often then not, alone.

 

And I put my money where my mouth is, and if the bf has female friends and want to go out with them, I don't object at all. Sometimes it will even happen that we will all go out.

 

And I'm sure I'm not the only person to think like this. Maybe your ex felt the same.

 

You guys can armchair quarterback all you want, the bottom line is I was the one who experienced this particular situation. Not you.

 

And everybody is different; some people may be perfectly OK with their SO dropping off the radar periodically so they can have drinks with members of the opposite sex. I just happen to not be one of them.

 

Neither perspective is right or wrong, just different. I would never do it because personally I would feel like it is a slight to the person I am with, and all the "But we are just friends and if you cant handle it you are too insecure" in the world would not change the way I feel, so in my case I prefer to be with somebody who feels the same way.

[ASG]

That's fair enough. I was just saying that maybe she felt the opposite way. Which is also fair.

 

But you asked if you were overreacting... and I think you are, cause clearly, our views on the subject are no the same.

[EyeJustDontKnow]

That's fair enough. I was just saying that maybe she felt the opposite way. Which is also fair.

 

But you asked if you were overreacting... and I think you are, cause clearly, our views on the subject are no the same.

 

All good!

 

I will be honest, maybe I was just looking for validation. Heck there is a good chance that is exactly what I was doing.

 

And to be even more honest, as tough as I may have come across I still have second thoughts. Mostly these nagging guilt feelings telling me I may have jumped the gun. How's that for being wishy washy. Ugh.

 

It's been a Hellacious few days