KLN Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 My husband is a wonderful person and we are very compatible, but we have one reoccurring issue... him attending strip clubs. I feel very strongly against him going and he feels very strongly about going. He says he doesn't feel like it should be such a big issue and that it's just a way to unwind and hang out with the guys. (I have no issue with him hanging out with the guys, I think he should. I just don't agree with the venue.) He tells me that very little of him wanting to go is sexual. I have a hard time understanding where he's coming from since he's in a very sexual environment, how is it not sexual? Are there any guys that could give me insight on that? I should add that this isn't a weekly or even monthly thing and he always goes with a group of guys. Typically the only time they go is for bachelor parties (which I can sort of tolerate), but over the past couple years it went from just being bachelor parties to birthday parties and sometimes just a regular guys night out. They usually go 3 or 4 times a year. If I had it my way it would be never (for him anyway, I don't care what his friends do.) I try to express to him that even though he thinks I'm over reacting on the subject, I feel as though he should be more sensitive to my feelings. His overall opinion is he enjoys going and he will go regardless of how I feel because I'm making something out of nothing. Last time he went we came to a compromise, which is he will only go a couple times a year and will not have private dances. I'm trying very hard to be okay with this compromise, but ultimately I'm just not comfortable with him being there. I do trust him and I know he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, the fact that he's surrounded by naked woman who are all taking turns offering him lap dances irks me. Not to mention this is all a big waste of money. I just want to see how other people feel about strip clubs (men and women) and how you feel about your significant other attending one. Also, if you have any suggestions on how I can deal with this on my end without being the nagging wife, that would be greatly appreciated. He's getting tired of me talking about it every time he goes. I'm sure I sound like a broken record to him, but I just wish he could feel how I do for just 2 minutes so he can see how difficult this is for me. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I certainly don't understand where he is coming from.
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) Last time he went we came to a compromise, which is he will only go a couple times a year and will not have private dances. Where is the compromise? At first I thought he just went there with the guys and watched. Now you also say he has private dances. ??? For me this would be an absolute dealbreaker. I have no problem being with a guy who hangs out with the guys for a couple of beers but I don't want to have anything to do with a guy who goes to stripclubs. For me this means that something is wrong with the way this guy sees women, and something wrong with the crowd he hangs out with. "Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are..." Edited April 5, 2011 by PinkInTheLimo
yessy21 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I understand about the waste of money. but a couple of times a year isn't so bad.
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I wouldn't like this at all. I think it is a highly charged sexual atmosphere with more available on the side for the right price, off premises. I would try to go to a male strip joint, under what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Some men just do not "get it" until their woman wants to enjoy the very same things they insist they have a right to. If he now starts to develop insecurities about your attendance at these places, maybe then he will "get it.""
tinktronik Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I understand about the waste of money. but a couple of times a year isn't so bad. It is if his wife is uncomfortable with it. OP would your husband be okay with you going out and getting trashed drunk? Or talking on the phone with an ex? Or any number of things he may be uncomfortable with.... If he brought it up as an issue would you be okay with giving it up? This fits into that square box of issues in which couples either have an issue with it or don't. If one person of the couple has issue and one does not it has to be resolved.
Linda9999 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 He's being VERY selfish if he says he's going to go no matter what you say. And I don't say that because it's strip clubs - that is true no matter what the issue is. If he was going to church and you told him you didn't like it and his attitude was 'I don't care WHAT you think, I'm doing it anyway' he would be acting selfishly too. As for the fact it IS strip clubs - I agree that men who go regularly (and 4x a year IS regularly) have a skewed view of women and sexuality. There is no way in hell I would be OK with my husband going to one under any circumstances, because my husband is a sex addict. Before he cheated on me, I wouldn't have had a problem if he attended a bachelor party at a strip club every few years, but if he had been going just to hang out with the guys, I would definitely have had a problem. And if I EVER found out he had a private dance he'd be out on his heiny so fast his lap would spin. That is crossing WAY over the line. Now, or prior to him cheating. No husband who respects and cherishes his wife has ANY reason whatsoever to get a private dance at a strip club, and if he tries to justify it he's being a total *********.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I genuinely think the best cure for this would be to visit a male strip club; not necessarily with the intent of enjoying the male strippers, but more to give him a taste of his own medicine. You could even say you are going with your girlfriend, and not actually go there if it's not your cup of tea. If he is genuinely OK with you going, then his point of view allows for this type of experience within the framework of marriage... My guess is that it varies from couple to couple, with a majority not being ok with it. The real issue for me comes down to the fact that he cannot respect your point of view and have consideration for how you feel about this subject...
Feelin Frisky Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Personally I hate the idea of strip clubs. But considering the frequency at a handful of times a year perhaps he should get a little slack. I don't blame you for having it bother you though.
xxoo Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I think you guys need to talk more. Do you understand why he wants to go hang with his friends at strip clubs, rather than at regular bars or restaurants? Does he understand your specific concern? It is curious to me that he started these casual visits with the guys (not related to bachelor parties) AFTER marriage. I mean, it is one thing if you married him knowing that he believed that to be normal "guy stuff", and then tried to change him. But it is another thing for him to now, after marriage, want to sell "guys night out" at the strip club as normal guy stuff. Um, not really Most guys I know did the occasional bachelor-party visits for a few years, and then it dropped off as everyone got married, or turned 30, whichever comes first It would REALLY bother me if my partner disregarded my feelings so blatantly about anything at all. That's not cool. What is that about? Does he feel controlled in the marriage? Is he generally immature?
TigerCub Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't mind it if my guy went to a strip club once in a blue moon - but getting lap dances and or any "extras" is definitely a deal breaker. Its funny, I actually suggested to the bf that we go to a strip club the other day - I'm really into pole dancing and I know that it just wouldn't be the same experience when I'm going "oooh, I can do that!", "ooooh, oh yeah - I wanna learn that move",etc... I think though its the fact that your H is telling you that he will go regardless of how you feel about it that's really concerning - that's not cool, and that certainly shouldn't be how a partnership works. I agree with the advice to go to male strip clubs, get a dance and tell him all about it - see how he likes it when the shoe's on the other foot! Edited April 5, 2011 by TigerCub
Author KLN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 He tells me that he is okay with me going to a male strip club because he knows that I'd just be having fun with my girlfriends and the strippers don't mean anything. Now if I actually went, I don't know if he'd still feel the same way. I get that he just wants to have fun with the guys and the strippers mean nothing to him. I just don't understand why he (as well as a few of the others guys) want so badly for Guys Night be at a strip club. A regular bar just doesn't interest them. I'm hoping they all grow out of this soon. We're at the point where a few of them are married, but most aren't. So maybe once all of them are married (or in a serious relationship) and more of them have disapproving wives, this will stop. Who knows though. He's not at all controlling, he's a very sweet guy. I don't find him to be immature either. But when he feels a certain way about something, it's hard for him to see where I'm coming from. He can't put himself in my place on this subject, he doesn't think it should have ever become such a big deal. I try to tell him that although he feels that way, it IS a big deal to me. I told him that married men should not be surrounded by naked woman. They especially should not be receiving lap dances (which he does agree with me on the lap dance part). I could see him blowing my opinion off if I were on his case all of the time about everything, but I'm not. I'm very encouraging in regards to school, etc... This is the ONE thing that I really wish he would work with me on. Maybe I am being too hard on him, because I know that he's just there to have fun with the guys... but in the end I do feel this way and can't control that. I've TRIED to be more accepting with this, but obviously that's not working.
Ella whispers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Give him a lap dance, when he goes there he will remember what you did while he's there. Go with him, I have been, it's fun! Plus, he will see a whole other side of you and that will be a turn on. I have gotten lap dances before, the girls make more money, and I had awesome sex later that night.
Hanther Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 1) Obviously he IS going at least somewhat for the sexual factor if he is getting private dances. I mean seriously...a guy who is going just to hang out with his friends isn't going to be at all interested in a private dance (which is ONLY about sexual arousal - obviously you are not hanging with friends while you're letting a woman grind on you naked). 2) It's also a bad sign that he still goes even when you are uncomfortable with it. Personally, I don't care if my fiance goes to one. He goes occasionally, sometimes with me and sometimes without me. In fact, we are going tomorrow night for his birthday. It is a hell of a lot of fun. The music is good, lighting is awesome, the chairs are super comfy, and you can bring your own liquor. We usually pull up our chairs around a table and drink and talk with each other or with friends. The atmosphere is great. So I do completely understand where he is coming from that it is a good place to socialize. The last time we went I had a great time, and it really had nothing to do with the women there. But like I said, the first two points I made are what would be troublesome to me if I were in your position.
yessy21 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Btw he is lying if he says he isnt getting any lapdances... sorry but if he got them before... and he knows ur not there... he will get them anyways...
dreamingoftigers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Btw he is lying if he says he isnt getting any lapdances... sorry but if he got them before... and he knows ur not there... he will get them anyways... No kidding.
denise_xo Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I just want to see how other people feel about strip clubs (men and women) and how you feel about your significant other attending one. I don't like the concept of a strip club and wouldn't want an SO who is interested in going to one. It's the context I have a problem with, not the nudity per se.
sally4sara Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Going to a male review to "give him a taste of his own medicine" isn't really the same thing as what appeals to men about going to a strip club and definitely not the same deal when it comes to lap dances. What would be comparable would be that you pay a nice looking, well built guy to show up dressed in a way you like that your partner doesn't indulge in for you on the regular to take you out to dinner and dancing (or whatever activity you like that your partner isn't that into), spends the evening sweet talking and complimenting you and then drops you off back home to your relationship partner all revved up with sexual tension you need to release. You're turned on by someone else making you feel good, not your partner, even if its only your partner you end up having sex with after you get back home. Ask your husband if he would be fine with you spending money on this kind of service for you each night he wants to go to the strip club with the boys for some lap dances.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 What turns me off most about the whole strip club thing is not the sleaziness of the guys or the ho-ishness of the women as much as it is the "mob dynamic" of mixing sex and public exposure. Does buying a lap dance make you a brave or hip guy? Does going through sexual girations in public give you a sense of "position" in the world? Is any of this real in any way other than form? Is paying someone to look like they favor you something to carry around to boost your sense of self worth? All these and other questions just make me want to run, run, run from dealing with any of it. It's not only unfulfilling, it maketh of me a "caver" to the will of fools--real or perceived.
StoneCold Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Well to each his own...but really....you need to get over the whole strip club thing. the guy doesnt even go often. What is it about strip clubs that sets you off? Is is the following?: What would be comparable would be that you pay a nice looking, well built guy to show up dressed in a way you like that your partner doesn't indulge in for you on the regular to take you out to dinner and dancing (or whatever activity you like that your partner isn't that into), spends the evening sweet talking and complimenting you and then drops you off back home to your relationship partner all revved up with sexual tension you need to release. You're turned on by someone else making you feel good, not your partner, even if its only your partner you end up having sex with after you get back home.. LOL you're dreaming (and likely arrogant as hell) if you think that your partner only gets turned on by you. You dont have to be in a strip joint to find the "fuel". Actually FAR FAR MORE OFTEN THAN NOT the fuel is found elsewhere.... the secretary at work, the boss, the random girl in line at starbucks that has a booty to die for (I mean you can bounce a quarter off that as* ). Its miraculous...you could be virtually anywhere and a nice piece of "insipration" walks by and the guys (yes, married as well) in the vicinity that notice her will look at each other, smile, give the nod of approval and you just know what eachother's thinking lol you just smile and nod at eachother...... You're insane if you think your partner isnt getting any "inspiration" elsewhere Ask your husband if he would be fine with you spending money on this kind of service for you each night he wants to go to the strip club with the boys for some lap dances. You could do this but becareful what you ask for...you might get it.
StoneCold Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 What turns me off most about the whole strip club thing is not the sleaziness of the guys or the ho-ishness of the women as much as it is the "mob dynamic" of mixing sex and public exposure. Does buying a lap dance make you a brave or hip guy? Does going through sexual girations in public give you a sense of "position" in the world? Is any of this real in any way other than form? Is paying someone to look like they favor you something to carry around to boost your sense of self worth? All these and other questions just make me want to run, run, run from dealing with any of it. It's not only unfulfilling, it maketh of me a "caver" to the will of fools--real or perceived. What turns me off is 10 quid a beer and the girls actually thinking I'm dumb enough to pay them 20 bones a song (which averages 3 MINUTES) for a lap dance when I could go to a bar/club and get it for free
Rose1977 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Okay, my view on this is probably going to differ from the majority of women, but hopefully I can help. I put myself through college working at a SC. I could say I was a bartender, but none of you would believe me anyway A lot of my women friends come to me with this exact dilemna, and my honest answer is that I would be more worried about my husband cheating at a regular club than a SC. The dancers are only concerned with money. That's it. If I had to estimate, I have known 500 dancers in my life. I know of 2 that fell in love with and dated customers. MOST clubs, especially high end ones highly regulate lap dances. I workedat one clu whereif the guy took his hands off the chair during a dance, secutity ended the dance. With that said, there are always girls who will do outside work and always girls who will find a way to hide from the cameras and even do more in the couch dance and champagne court rooms. Men who come in looking for it know which girls these are b/c there are forums out there that tell guys which girls do what and for how much. I would put the names of the forums here, but I am not sure if I am allowed. There are many men who do not get dances, and many men who even during a dance do not take up the opportunity to touch the dancer even if it is offered. Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. With all of that said, I think the issue here isn't so much what really goes on at the club, but the fact that you are asking him not to go and he is not respecting your wishes. Just an idea, and this of course depends on how open minded you are, but a lot of women frequent strip clubs with their SO's and enjoy it. In my day I did many dances and champagne courts for couples who claimed it helped their sex life. It is an erotic atmosphere. I think a good way to gauge what his intentions are at the club would be to ask him if you could go with him one time just to see what it's like. If he freaks out, I think you have reason to worry. If that is not an option, you need to make it clear to him the reasons why it upsets you and that you are not comfortable with it. If he refuses to comply with your wishes, then counseling may be an option. I just reread this and it sounds like I am defending strip clubs and your H and I am not. I just think a lot of times there are a lot of misconceptions about what really goes on and what the girls are truly after. No dancer goes to work to meet the love of her life- they go focused on the money. Good luck to you If you have any questions, feel free to PM me I will answer anything you would like to ask including what men do when they go to strip clubs to cheat - there are a couple simple things you can do to figure out what his intentions are/were when he goes
blueeyes74 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Yes, there are some questions there as to why the lap dances? Why not just regular old bars? But, as opposed to going to a male strip club with your girlfriends, I'd say 100% go with him to the strip club. Watch the women with him. You know he'll be on his best behavior but just see how he reacts to that suggestion. Open your mind to a new experience. You never know what it could lead to as far as your own personal relationship is concerned. My husband and I of 11 years are always looking for ways to "spice it up". I told him that I want to go to a strip club with him.
mached Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 It is not my experience that going to a SC 3 times a year suggests an unhealthy view towards women.
xxoo Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 What turns me off most about the whole strip club thing is not the sleaziness of the guys or the ho-ishness of the women as much as it is the "mob dynamic" of mixing sex and public exposure. Does buying a lap dance make you a brave or hip guy? Does going through sexual girations in public give you a sense of "position" in the world? Is any of this real in any way other than form? Is paying someone to look like they favor you something to carry around to boost your sense of self worth? All these and other questions just make me want to run, run, run from dealing with any of it. It's not only unfulfilling, it maketh of me a "caver" to the will of fools--real or perceived. ::::swoon:::: I may have a message-board-crush I sometimes wonder if men knew how much of an aphrodisiac it can be for a woman to hear their man say they'd rather not go to a strip club I swear, my H is very very smart in the business of actually getting laid. Says all the right stuff!
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