xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 In the previous notes I mentioned that last night was going to be the last time im going to see the ex and do strict NC after 12 weeks. So.. I met him in his car - this was his new car he wanted to show me and to give my stuff back. Anyway what did he do, he didnt even bring my stuff and said 'oh I thought this meet was just for me to show you my new car'. Hmmm... Anyway a few small talks later when I was saying bye we had a cuddle and he said he was going to buy me an easter egg as I bought him one because it was the last time I was going to see him (I know stupid and im way too generous for my own good) and then also give me my stuff back. I told him no and kept saying no! I specifically said to him just post my stuff through the door and I dont want an egg, I didnt expect one back at all.. But he just wouldnt take no for an answer and said he will txt me when he has bought the egg. Grrr... I was so prepared and ready for it to be the last time and do NC :-(
betterdeal Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You can think of him as being a fan and you're a Hollywood star. You smile, accept the gift graciously and give it to the homeless hospice when the show's over, and forget all about it.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 In the previous notes I mentioned that last night was going to be the last time im going to see the ex and do strict NC after 12 weeks. So.. I met him in his car - this was his new car he wanted to show me and to give my stuff back. Anyway what did he do, he didnt even bring my stuff and said 'oh I thought this meet was just for me to show you my new car'. Hmmm... Anyway a few small talks later when I was saying bye we had a cuddle and he said he was going to buy me an easter egg as I bought him one because it was the last time I was going to see him (I know stupid and im way too generous for my own good) and then also give me my stuff back. I told him no and kept saying no! I specifically said to him just post my stuff through the door and I dont want an egg, I didnt expect one back at all.. But he just wouldnt take no for an answer and said he will txt me when he has bought the egg. Grrr... I was so prepared and ready for it to be the last time and do NC :-( It's because he does not take you seriously. Getting in his car, having cuddles, buying him an egg...he still feels he has control over you. He still feels he can manipulate the situation into what he wants it to be. A different scenario: You get there. Ask him for the the stuff. He says he didn't bring them. You tell him to pack it and post. You politely congratulate him on his new car (don't have to sit inside and cuddle). You say goodbye, give him a hug and leave (instead of going back and forth about the egg and what not). You then show him that you mean business and that you are serious about NC. So, if you are really serious about NC, when he texts you about the egg. You ignore. You NC. If you respond, then YOU will show him again that your NO means absolutely nothing and that your "threats" for NC mean absolutely nothing.
Fufu Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Please go into Strict NC and cease all contacts from/with/to him. Whatever he's going to do and say is no longer a matter to you. I do not want to be with a guy who wants to keep me around by his side but doesn't want to be committed to me.
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 I havnt told him im doing NC.. I was planning to but that happened. But why won't he just post my things when I tell him no to bringing it over? He did this last time when I had his top round mine, he came by and I gave him his top and he 'forgot' to bring mine. Thats the point where he txtd me a few days after to ask when I wanted it and then this happened. Starting to pee me off now. So.. Should I meet him, get my stuff, dont get in his car and tell him im going to do NC and then give him a hug and go. Or just not tell him at all? I think maybe he has a right to know, I cant be rude and just ignore him suddenly.
betterdeal Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 geegirl gave you a good answer. He does it because he wants to and you are doing nothing that is stopping him from continuing to "forget" to do what he has said will do. If you want to progress in life, this pattern of behaviour is delaying that.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I havnt told him im doing NC.. I was planning to but that happened. But why won't he just post my things when I tell him no to bringing it over? He did this last time when I had his top round mine, he came by and I gave him his top and he 'forgot' to bring mine. Thats the point where he txtd me a few days after to ask when I wanted it and then this happened. Starting to pee me off now. So.. Should I meet him, get my stuff, dont get in his car and tell him im going to do NC and then give him a hug and go. Or just not tell him at all? I think maybe he has a right to know, I cant be rude and just ignore him suddenly. He's not posting your things because it is what keeps the door still open. It's a reason to keep communication open or a reason to have communication when he wants to so that he can walk in and out whenever he wants. So he gives you bits and pieces of your stuff, delays giving it back to you, doesn't give it back to you, etc. So you are still in his grasp. Just send him an email or text and tell him that you are going NC to heal and move on and to please not contact you anymore and to mail your things. Tell him to respect your decision and STAY NC. Don't meet him again. You had your chance to exchange the easter egg, cuddles and all that. You said your goodbyes then.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 If you still decide to meet him to get your things back, you may get there and he may look at you and say, "Oh I thought we were just meeting so that I can give you your egg. I'll give you your stuff next time we meet." How long will you be playing this game? If it's not an egg now, he'd going to dangle something else to keep you hooked to his fishing line. If you feel you are being rude by not saying you are NC, send that short note, implement NC and stop playing his game.
Anna86 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Hey, I know how it feels. But, keeping him around is really only delaying healing time. Right now, I am still in my little comfort zone of knowing he is there on the other end of the phone...Its easy this way, like it is for you and your ex. Neither of you want to move on. Its hard. But, what if he got a new gf? How would you feel? Thats when the pain would sink in and you will feel like you are breaking up all over again. Thats how I feel about it...... I had all that messing around with getting stuff back and it dragged on. We both kept 'finding' reasons to meet up. I have tried to minimize contact as it was getting too hard for me as my feelings were getting stronger..... I hope that you are stronger than I was! I was very strong at first, then I got stuck in a rut and its hard to get out of it.
Fufu Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) I'm going to be very harsh here. xbexy87x: If you feel happy seeing him, do continue to meet him. (I basically been through similar encounters from my ex, and now thinking back, it was seriously big mistakes, and for me it was not just 1 encounter, therefore I will urge you not to do it again) Anna86: You can get out of the rut if you put all your mind and heart into it. It's all up to you at the end of the day. I know and believe you will choose the way that is ultimately best for yourself. NC, you don't have to tell your exes you are ignoring them, what are you trying to achieve by telling them you are disappearing from their lives. They chose the break up, they chose to leave you, they chose to disappear from your life officially (not being committed to you). You ignore their contacts, you don't tell them to ignore you. You make the action yourself and not telling them to make the action to feed your NC. Edited April 5, 2011 by Fufu
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Hey Fufu...Im not going to continue to meet him, it wont achieve anything. Like you guys have said he is having me on a string and reeling me in when he 'wants' me. He is in control of everything and still keeps me close by him so he wont lose the communication or just lose for me for good even if he doesnt want the commitment. I just dont know wether to meet him for the actual last time this time and leave a lasting impression and tell him its the last im going to see him. Or do I just send him an email. If I were to send him an email, im just stuck on what to say. I want the email to say about the NC but dont want to say that I dont want him to contact me ever again :-/ Any advice on the email if I were to send one??
Fufu Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) I'm so happy your not meeting him anymore :bunny::bunny: I will still stick on to this, you don't have to tell him you are going NC. You just disappear, that's the best. That's the best and lasting impression to him. For me, I now dragged myself for telling my ex-bf I went NC and now if I could ever turn the Earth back, I will really choose the path of just starting my NC and disappear from his life. In the past, I wish he will still contact me, but now, nah, don't ever contact me again. Edited April 5, 2011 by Fufu
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 I'm so happy your not meeting him anymore :bunny::bunny: I will still stick on to this, you don't have to tell him you are going NC. You just disappear, that's the best. That's the best and lasting impression to him. I told him I was going to meet him so when he does txt me to arrange it I can't just ignore him, that's mean! Im still unsure if im definatley not meeting him though.
Fufu Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) I shall share a little of my post break up experiences with my ex bf Summary: I was with my ex bf for near 3 years and last year 2010 Feb he went oversea to study. He came back in July for 2 weeks vacation and we bought engagement rings together, the plan was to get engaged this end of year together. He went back after the vacation and we got into fights and quarrels more often and in October 2010, he broke up with me and I was devastated because I saw this man as "The One", I saw myself "marrying this guy" and didn't expect he will drop me the bomb. After he broke up with me through skype video, my life felt it was over. So the next few weeks, I contacted him, asked him forgiveness, begged/plead him to come back to me and he was coming back in mid November for his school break and I asked him to meet me as I wanted back then to pass him his belated birthday present, it was hugo boss men belt (GAHH~ Come to think about it I can give my brothers instead). He then told me, he only wanted to meet me as a friend and he doesn't want to give me false hope, and silly me thought I could withstand the pain went to meet him. And that 1 meeting, becomes 2 meetings, 3 meetings, 4 meetings, 5 meetings, 6 meetings. When I told him I wanted to watch movie, he declined and said a simple lunch will do. When we met up, he told me he wanted to watch movie. Inside the theatre, we were behaving like a couple and seriously after I had gave up hopes in him and move on to be happy, thinking back, what I had done was incredibly silly. I was still very much in love with him and was always hoping for second chances and that he will come back for me. We met more often and at times we were behaving like couple but he had no intention in coming back to me even though he was behaving intimately with me. When he went back to the country, I was still e-mailing him trying to encourage him to come back to me by then he already start ignoring me and yet I still continue to hurt myself over and over again by emailing him daily. Then, i sent him a email I am going NC and I was glad I stick to it now because previously i sent him lots of email I'm going NC but only to find myself breaking it every time and now I come to realize, you don't have to tell them you are going NC, you just do it. Action speaks the loudest. "I told him I was going to meet him so when he does txt me to arrange it I can't just ignore him, that's mean!" He broke up with you is not being mean? Edited April 5, 2011 by Fufu
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I just dont know wether to meet him for the actual last time this time and leave a lasting impression and tell him its the last im going to see him. Or do I just send him an email. If I were to send him an email, im just stuck on what to say. I want the email to say about the NC but dont want to say that I dont want him to contact me ever again :-/ Any advice on the email if I were to send one?? What lasting impression do you want to leave him with? Telling him this is going to be the last time he's going to see you so it will scare the bejesus out of him, rattle him and he will change his mind and want to be with you. Threaten him with your disappearance so he will see the light? He told you he does not want the "hassle of a gf"...there is no other lasting impression you can leave him with except for the fact that you symbolize what he does not want in his life...a girlfriend. It doesn't matter what you look like, how wonderful you are, how gorgeous you are...it's not what he wants in his life. If you're going there to see him to say, 'Hey look at me. One last time. One more chance and then I am gone so you better be sure, you better grab me before I go, no more chances, ok, I'm going, I'm going, you sure?....," it's futile. Stop it. The guy labeled you a "hassle". Stop clinging to him. You can tell him that you are going NC because you need to move on from this and that you need time to heal since the R is over. You can tell him to please not contact you and that maybe in time you will reach out to him when you feel you are healed and when you are in better place. Tell him to please respect this time apart...whatever works for you. Just STAY NC after you send the email. You are so afraid to lose him but he is not in the slightest bit worried about losing you as his gf. But I bet, once you NC, and you get to a point of indifference, you won't really care if he contacts you or not.
radiodarcy Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I told him I was going to meet him so when he does txt me to arrange it I can't just ignore him, that's mean! Im still unsure if im definatley not meeting him though. i know what you mean. i'm not the kind of person who can ignore a text or an IM. which is why i told my ex i was going NC. then i did it. he hasn't contacted me since - - at first i was kind of bummed - - then i realized he was doing me a favor. he gave me my space so i could heal. it doesn't sound like you're quite ready for NC yet. but that's ok. when you are ready to do NC, there's nothing wrong with telling your ex that you're doing so. be sure to stick to it though. and if he does contact you, then you are completely within your rights to ignore him. if you were to contact you after that then *he* is the one who is being rude in not respecting your space and need to heal.
butterfly2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 One thing us women do and is a huge mistake is "talk about our plans" Dont tell him anything....just do it. If you are going NC, do it without telling him. keep your plans to yourself.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 The thing is we can all tell her to just go NC and don't tell him anything. But if she kept quiet, he may hound her and I don't think she will be able to stick to NC becasue then she will start to worry about how he feels, how rude she is, etc. If she tells him and he contacts her, then she can stand her ground with not contacting him back knowing that he knows the deal. And if she breaks contact, it's her cross to carry. If she is not ready or is having a hard time with feelings of being rude and worrying about not leaving the door slightly ajar (afraid to tell him not to contact her again), then no amount of telling her to go silent is going to work. If telling him eases her somewhat in at least starting NC, then maybe best for her to tell him that way she's not adding to her already added anxieties. If after she does all this and still breaks NC, then that's another story.
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 The thing is we can all tell her to just go NC and don't tell him anything. But if she kept quiet, he may hound her and I don't think she will be able to stick to NC becasue then she will start to worry about how he feels, how rude she is, etc. If she tells him and he contacts her, then she can stand her ground with not contacting him back knowing that he knows the deal. And if she breaks contact, it's her cross to carry. If she is not ready or is having a hard time with feelings of being rude and worrying about not leaving the door slightly ajar (afraid to tell him not to contact her again), then no amount of telling her to go silent is going to work. If telling him eases her somewhat in at least starting NC, then maybe best for her to tell him that way she's not adding to her already added anxieties. If after she does all this and still breaks NC, then that's another story. Lol talking like im not here :-( But yea you're totally right. Ive said in my previous thread that I did successfully not respond to him and then he txtd me again and I didnt respond until a day after but the response from me was cold and didnt ask questions it was a 'sorry I forgot you txtd me. But yea I want my bangles please' He then got funny with me and bascially did the same to me. So I did try NC but because I didnt let him know it he didnt like it and I have no will power. I am going to tell him about the NC. I have told him before a while ago and I didnt stick to it. Ive even told him to delete my number and we had an argument but then we were back to normal after. This is why I want to tell him about the NC to his face. Not just over some txt or email because he will think that I wont keep my word at all as my feelings are so strong and id be there for him always. I respond to his txts and answer his calls.. He knows he still has me... This is going to be so hard :-(
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) Didn't mean to talk like you were not there. Sorry about that. First of all, you can't tell him to delete your number or block you, etc. You have no control over what he does. You control YOU. He can call you a million times or text you because he wants to. It is up to you to not respond. Sometimes I believe you say these things to "scare the finality" of it all into him moreso than actually wanting him to stop contacting you. Your actions speaks louder than words. So far your words have meant nothing. So if you tell him over email and you stick to your words through action, you will send him the message loud and clear. No need to see him. You're making excuses to see him. What difference does it make saying it to him face to face? Your strength is shown not when you tell him, but when you follow through with action after you implement NC. If you want to see him for the last time, then say that. Don't say you want to see him to tell him face to face becasue it will make you look stronger and that he will believe you when you say it to him." He will believe you when you stop accepting his contact, not when he receives the email or when you see him for your last goodbye. Edited April 5, 2011 by geegirl
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Of course I dont want him to stop contacting me... But this is what I have to do now. If I email him.. I will most likely wait and see if he responds, I know what Im like. If I tell him face to face I wont expect a response from him. But then If I do meet him I think it'll be harder. Hmm.. Well ill see how the week goes. Thanks for the advice.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 If you don't want him to stop contacting you, then don't ask him to delete your number. Let him keep your number but you stay NC. That is why I say you are playing the "finality" game with him. You tell someone to delete your number because you don't want them to contact you. Simple. Hope you work things out and try to find a way that is best for you to deal with getting on with NC. Good luck next week.
betterdeal Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You have a relationship. It consists of what you two are doing. You both make excuses to see each other. At some point, you'll get too tired of it. Being lied to. Lying to yourself. Hurting yourself by going back for more. Hurting yourself by feeding him breadcrumbs and eating up the ones he throws back to you. It's your life. You will do what you want to do. You'll continue to make excuses to see him again and again and again. It's not worked so far, but you seem to think if you keep on banging your head against the same wall something different will happen. That's not been my experience, but I'll be happy for you if it works for you. My advice is to think of the bigger picture. You got this far in life largely without him. In the grand scheme of your life, he's just one of thousands of people you will meet. You're hurting inside and you're very vulnerable. People hear are passing on their advice and that is, stop banging your head against that wall and stop contacting him. Good luck with your pursuit of happiness.
Author xbexy87x Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Betterdeal - I do take advice from people and that's what im doing, im going to do the NC but I havnt decided if im going to tell him by email or face to face. Im just scared that is all... I dont understand what you mean by me being lied to?? Also I dont understand the whole breadcrumbs thing that ive been reading through peoples threads! Thankyou very much geegirl for your advice and well everyone else. It has helped alot. I will keep people posted on the outcome etc. I think I need to for help as this forum is like a guide and doesn't keep you thinking about the present it keeps you thinking of the future :-)
Recommended Posts