Why why why?

[ChocCheesecake]

It's eating me up wanting to understand WHY MM has acted the way he has. In some other threads, respondents have told me "it doesn't matter" or "why do you care?" and I know it doesn't matter, and that I shouldn't care, but I do. So for those of you who like to play analyst, please help me out here. For those of you who are sick of me, sorry, but I feel that I need to understand his reasoning in order to find closure.

 

Here is a play by play...

Met, became work friends and really hit if off...began flirting innocently, flirting progressed when we were alone....conversations, words exchanged that we would NEVER have said in front of spouses. A few lunches together. Tangible attraction.

 

One day it culminates in phone sex (initiated by him). I went along with it, still considered it only flirting. We never really spoke about it after the fact and went back to normal. Following this we got closer, began talking about personal things, our families/relationships with spouses, sex lives, etc.

 

Fall out of everyday contact for a while due to being busy at work, business trips, and don't get to talk much, he approaches me to ask if I am upset with him. I say no and we start communicating heavily again, mostly semi-appropriately. Culminates in another phone sex session - VERY dirty.... but also serious conversation where we discuss the attraction between us. Decide we can't cross the physical line, don't want to jeopardize marriages, our friendship, etc. He is attentive for about a week following...comes by to see me, calls me (innocent flirting). Then I feel a pull back.

 

Kind of weird in the weeks following...hot/cold...but would call or email occasionally. Said we'd do lunch, then bailed. I sensed awkwardness, asked him about it once, he said nothing was wrong. The last 2 weeks or so have been really awkward...I had texted/emailed him and just got flat out no response. He is distant, but not exactly rude; appropriate for how he would be with a coworker he doesn't know too well, but obviously that's not the case with us. I feel like he is pretending none of this ever happened.

 

So....my thoughts of what could be the reason:

 

1. Decided we might be getting too close to getting physical and doesn't want to b/c it's wrong and the risk to our marriages (we talked about this), so is pulling back because of that? (Although he also claimed to care about the friendship which is going down the tubes). I like this b/c it means he's not a TOTAL jerk, although I wish he would've talked to me about it. I really like him, but do not want to risk my marriage....I would've liked to kept the friendship if we could've controlled our attraction. And while the flirtation was inappropriate, if it was kept between just the two of us, I would've been able to continue it without taking it to the physical level.

 

2. Has the idea that I am in love with him or something and wants to get the hell away from me....I don't see how he could possibly think this, but you never know.

 

I don't know what else...I didn't DO anything to him, so I doubt he just all of a sudden hates me. I don't think he finds me physically unattractive obviously, so I don't think that's it. And I'd hate to think he is a jerk who is doing this intentionally.

 

I go back and forth, and really would like some honest feedback. I think it will help me put this behind me.

 

I so wish we could've salvaged the friendship, but that's not looking possible either at this point.

Edited April 5, 2011 by ChocCheesecake

[bentnotbroken]

Another possibility is he used you because you let him. He needs an emotional boost and you gave it to him.

[BB07]

CC,

 

There are so many possible reasons/motivations for what he's doing. All we can do is speculate as to why.

 

YES to the above.

 

Other possibilities are:

 

• He enjoyed the chase but didn't want the prize or he thinks he got you where he wanted you and that was enough.
  
• He feels guilty, realized the contact was inappropriate and decided that he wants little or no contact with you.
  
• Another OW
  
• Some men use friendship to get in a women's pants
  

You'll get past this stage, you really will. Try not to obsess. Also.........why would you want to be friends with someone who hurt you like this? Real friends don't slam you into the wall.

[whichwayisup]

He changed his mind and crossed the lines with you and realized this. He stopped it and now it's over. Whatever his reasons are, are obviously legit to him. Maybe he looked at the ring on his finger and thought WTF am I doing? Why am I risking my marriage for someone else who also is married when I KNOW I have no intention of letting something happen, let alone leave my wife for this woman.

 

Can I ask (if I have before, sorry I've forgotten) what about your H?

 

Try not to obsess about this for too long. You need to get to a point where you accept it's really over and there's no friendship. Accepting and some grieving, focussing on other things in your life, keep yourself busy too.

[Emme]

CC, I am going to make you feel better by telling my story. My friend and MM has not called me to even chat after he got caught. I have known him for 13 years. Not even a simple explanation other than the email is all I got. Why men do what they do we will never know. All I can tell you is maybe he is just playing with you to make you want him more. Men do play games just like women. You might have scared him to where he has to take it to the next level but he won't unless you initiate. It's all games. You just have to decide if you want to play.

[ChocCheesecake]

 

Can I ask (if I have before, sorry I've forgotten) what about your H?

 

I'm going to be honest. I love my husband, I am attracted to him, we have good, frequent sex. He is a good man and a fantastic father and I would not want to be married to anybody else. He is more of a man, imo, than MM.

But I feel that since MM and I never got physical, it was a friendship in my life that is mine alone to know about, and I took a " what he doesn't know won't hurt him" stance. A little excitement here and there. I got more emotionally attached than I should have, this is true. I am working to undo that.

This is not going to be a popular point of view, and if roles were reversed I might leave my husband if he was doing this. I realize my hypocrisy. In 10 years another man never so much as made me turn my head once. This man....so different. But it appears to be over so I am trying to put it behind me.

Edited April 5, 2011 by ChocCheesecake
spelling

[ChocCheesecake]

CC, I am going to make you feel better by telling my story. My friend and MM has not called me to even chat after he got caught. I have known him for 13 years. Not even a simple explanation other than the email is all I got. Why men do what they do we will never know. All I can tell you is maybe he is just playing with you to make you want him more. Men do play games just like women. You might have scared him to where he has to take it to the next level but he won't unless you initiate. It's all games. You just have to decide if you want to play.

 

The terrible thing is that if I knew I wouldn't be rejected I would continue to play. I love the thrill, the attention. Today he was talking to me again, friendlier. Maybe he is just playing games. But I will not risk being rejected and so trying to forget is where I am at now.

[BB07]

The terrible thing is that if I knew I wouldn't be rejected I would continue to play. I love the thrill, the attention. Today he was talking to me again, friendlier. Maybe he is just playing games. But I will not risk being rejected and so trying to forget is where I am at now.

 

 

What is going on within you CC that makes you feel that you need the thrill, the attention so much that you'd put aside the risks to get that? Or is it that you don't think there was much risk that had directly to do with you?

[ChocCheesecake]

BB07, I don't understand what you're asking.

[BB07]

The terrible thing is that if I knew I wouldn't be rejected I would continue to play. I love the thrill, the attention. Today he was talking to me again, friendlier. Maybe he is just playing games. But I will not risk being rejected and so trying to forget is where I am at now.

 

BB07, I don't understand what you're asking.

 

 

The first post above.......you said you love the thrill and the attention and you said you want more of it if you didn't fear the rejection.

In another post you said you loved your husband.

Assuming you do love your husband I would assume you risked that love and your marriage by having an affair, right?

 

So this is why I asked why are you willing to take that risk, assuming you did see it as a risk?

[ChocCheesecake]

I don't want to be rejected by MM by trying to escalate this thing, and that is the risk I am not willing to take.

 

Honestly, I do not think I have "risked" my marriage, though many would disagree. Verbal communications between MM and I are between the two of us, his name & number in my cell phone can be explained away b/c we work together and the nature of our positions, etc. IF it ever got physical (and by physical I don't exactly include kissing), then I would deem it as a risk to my marriage. Honestly, I do not know how far I would go given the opportunity.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your honesty. But I do believe you're slightly in denial about this not affecting your marriage. The energy, the time, the focus, your thoughts, the feelings of attachment and your heart is directed at MM and NOT on your husband. Ofcourse it's affecting your marriage and it's doing damage. Fact that if the roles were reversed, you said you'd leave your H if he was doing this to you. With that said, you know your H would totally disapprove and be very upset/angry and feel betrayed if he knew what you were doing.

 

You're having an EA. And you have 'risked' marriage, whether you see this or not.

 

You love the thrill and attention...It's selfish because all this is on the expense of your unsuspecting husband.

 

Is losing what you have with your H worth that extra attention and thrill? If you get caught, will you realize what you're doing is so wrong and damaging to your marriage?

[BB07]

I don't want to be rejected by MM by trying to escalate this thing, and that is the risk I am not willing to take.

 

Honestly, I do not think I have "risked" my marriage, though many would disagree. Verbal communications between MM and I are between the two of us, his name & number in my cell phone can be explained away b/c we work together and the nature of our positions, etc. IF it ever got physical (and by physical I don't exactly include kissing), then I would deem it as a risk to my marriage. Honestly, I do not know how far I would go given the opportunity.

 

Let's see if I can sum this up going by your prior posts.

 

You've been having an EA with a mm which includes phone sex and your flirting with the possibly that it could cross over into sex since if given the opportunity you aren't sure what you'd do, (your words). Also.......you admit that if your husband was doing the same thing you are doing, you would have a problem with it. You don't think you've really risked anything because so far you can come up with good explanations/lies on how to cover yourself. You admit that you like the attention and the thrill of it so much that you'd do it some more if you knew you wouldn't get rejected.

 

This is what I think.......you are either going to take this farther with this mm or you will find another one soon, because you are now hooked on what you are getting, (thrills and attention) and right now you feel safe that you aren't going to get caught but when you take this one or the next one all the way, you'll get careless and one or both of you will be having a d day and all the pain that will heap on those who love you (your family, your husband, your kids) then you might wish you hadn't went down this road. Op....you better consider the trainwreck up ahead and how you are being incredibly selfish.

 

I bet I'm not the only one who sees the trainwreck coming and hey what do I know I'm just a XOW.

[Fight4Me]

I have another thought regarding his reasons for being hot & cold. This may not be his first rodeo and/or his BW may be getting suspicious. While you may think you're safe on your end, you cannot discount what is really going on on his, and never EVER underestimate a wife's intuition. All it takes is one phone call to your Betrayed Husband to blow your world to hell.

 

I don't say this to be mean in any way, but to give you something to think about before you end up making more mistakes that end up ruining your personal and professional life... to say nothing of the devastation to BS's and children.

 

Another thought. People at work pick up on these things pretty quickly, no matter how good you think you're hiding it. Maybe that isn't a worrisome thought, but people love to talk and it could very easily get back to your families. MM may have this fear as well.

[BB07]

I have another thought regarding his reasons for being hot & cold. This may not be his first rodeo and/or his BW may be getting suspicious. While you may think you're safe on your end, you cannot discount what is really going on on his, and never EVER underestimate a wife's intuition. All it takes is one phone call to your Betrayed Husband to blow your world to hell.

 

I don't say this to be mean in any way, but to give you something to think about before you end up making more mistakes that end up ruining your personal and professional life... to say nothing of the devastation to BS's and children.

 

Another thought. People at work pick up on these things pretty quickly, no matter how good you think you're hiding it. Maybe that isn't a worrisome thought, but people love to talk and it could very easily get back to your families. MM may have this fear as well.

 

 

Really good post.......and CC should think about all the points you brought up.

[ChocCheesecake]

Let's see if I can sum this up going by your prior posts.

 

You've been having an EA with a mm which includes phone sex and your flirting with the possibly that it could cross over into sex since if given the opportunity you aren't sure what you'd do, (your words). Also.......you admit that if your husband was doing the same thing you are doing, you would have a problem with it. You don't think you've really risked anything because so far you can come up with good explanations/lies on how to cover yourself. You admit that you like the attention and the thrill of it so much that you'd do it some more if you knew you wouldn't get rejected.

 

This is what I think.......you are either going to take this farther with this mm or you will find another one soon, because you are now hooked on what you are getting, (thrills and attention) and right now you feel safe that you aren't going to get caught but when you take this one or the next one all the way, you'll get careless and one or both of you will be having a d day and all the pain that will heap on those who love you (your family, your husband, your kids) then you might wish you hadn't went down this road. Op....you better consider the trainwreck up ahead and how you are being incredibly selfish.

 

I bet I'm not the only one who sees the trainwreck coming and hey what do I know I'm just a XOW.

 

I don't dispute that thrills and attention are a major part of this. I do dispute that I will soon find someone else. I've met plenty of men over the last 10 years, living my day to day life, and there has never been an instant attraction like with MM. I am not eager to repeat this experience, believe it or not. While maybe 15% of it has been thrilling, the remaining portion has been unpleasant.

 

I agree that this is not going to end well, unless it ends now. It is ending now. I am absolutely NOT taking this farther. Not necessarily for noble reasons, but nonetheless I am stopping my part.

 

I'm sure you know what you're talking about...I appreciate the fact that you can say what you say without being rude about it. There aren't any excuses for my behavior. It's just been so long since I've been desired by someone new and it's so easy to rationalize that it's ok since we haven't done anything physical.

[ChocCheesecake]

I have another thought regarding his reasons for being hot & cold. This may not be his first rodeo and/or his BW may be getting suspicious. While you may think you're safe on your end, you cannot discount what is really going on on his, and never EVER underestimate a wife's intuition. All it takes is one phone call to your Betrayed Husband to blow your world to hell.

 

I don't say this to be mean in any way, but to give you something to think about before you end up making more mistakes that end up ruining your personal and professional life... to say nothing of the devastation to BS's and children.

 

Another thought. People at work pick up on these things pretty quickly, no matter how good you think you're hiding it. Maybe that isn't a worrisome thought, but people love to talk and it could very easily get back to your families. MM may have this fear as well.

 

Interesting....I have considered whether his wife knows or not, and I am fairly certain she doesn't....or at least she didn't up as recently as 2 weeks ago, and nothing has happened since then unless he told her/called out my name/etc - all of which I HIGHLY DOUBT. But yes, I realize that one call from her and I would be causing my family's ruin.

 

As I said to BB07, I am ending my part of this "whatever it is." Right now, it is not for the noble reason, but I hope that in time and look back and think "what was I thinking?" Thank you for your non-judgmental reply. I figure I might as well put all of my cards on the table here, though it certainly doesn't paint me in a flattering light.

[BB07]

I don't dispute that thrills and attention are a major part of this. I do dispute that I will soon find someone else. I've met plenty of men over the last 10 years, living my day to day life, and there has never been an instant attraction like with MM. I am not eager to repeat this experience, believe it or not. While maybe 15% of it has been thrilling, the remaining portion has been unpleasant.

 

I agree that this is not going to end well, unless it ends now. It is ending now. I am absolutely NOT taking this farther. Not necessarily for noble reasons, but nonetheless I am stopping my part.

 

I'm sure you know what you're talking about...I appreciate the fact that you can say what you say without being rude about it. There aren't any excuses for my behavior. It's just been so long since I've been desired by someone new and it's so easy to rationalize that it's ok since we haven't done anything physical.

 

 

I hope you do end it because I'm afraid that all those good feelings he is giving you are masking the bad things that can and often do happen and I'm living proof that it can do irreparable damage to you. I know it's easy to rationalize when something makes us feel good or it's something we need, been there done that but those things can have too high of a price.

 

Find an outlet for getting a thrill and attention in other safer ways. Heck go skydiving or bungee jumping. As for the attention, tell your hubby that you need some extra, there isn't anything wrong with coming out and asking for what you want and need. pssst....men are dense about those things. The grass is not always greener........CC and be careful. Feel lucky that you've not went farther and don't take it anywhere else.

[Fight4Me]

Interesting....I have considered whether his wife knows or not, and I am fairly certain she doesn't....or at least she didn't up as recently as 2 weeks ago, and nothing has happened since then unless he told her/called out my name/etc - all of which I HIGHLY DOUBT. But yes, I realize that one call from her and I would be causing my family's ruin.

 

As I said to BB07, I am ending my part of this "whatever it is." Right now, it is not for the noble reason, but I hope that in time and look back and think "what was I thinking?" Thank you for your non-judgmental reply. I figure I might as well put all of my cards on the table here, though it certainly doesn't paint me in a flattering light.

 

I really appreciate you taking my post in the spirit in which it was intended. Even though I'm a fBW, I still see OW/M as human beings and truly want what is in their best interests. It sounds like you have a really great thing going with your husband and family and I see all too much how easily someone can get caught up in the newness and flattery to see the very real danger ahead until it's too late.

 

I'm glad that you put your cards on the table KNOWING you would get mixed responses as well as take a few hits. That tells me you are open to all opinions, appealing or not. Now you just need to plan for each contingency, whether he's buttering you up, flattering your work, or retreating again. You have the power to put it all to rest with one simple, soft, yet firm, "I'm sorry, but I have become increasingly uncomfortable with the direction our working relationship has taken and prefer to pull way back and move on as mere coworkers. Nothing more. Nothing less." Soon, and VERY soon, you will truly look back and see the minefield you just extricated yourself from.

 

I truly wish you the very best for you and your family.