Lexygirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I know I've been on here asking for help regarding my 18 year marriage but I really am in horrible pain and turmoil On Friday afternoon I sent my husband a very long email to really explain everything that I'm feeling including the fact that I can't find myself attracted to him no matter how I try and that I am just numb with us. I explained how I do feel some love at times but then others none. I told him how he deserves to have someone love him with all their heart, etc. I told him that I have a separation agreement template that we can just fill out. We went out for breakfast on Saturday and talked more about it all. Today was like hell trying to make sense of it all and I just feel lost and the only time I felt 'grounded' was when I was making dinner and he got home. I cried alot today. I'm quite depressed. I worry about him being depressed too I guess I wonder if anyone else struggles this much with a decision they themselves have made. I don't think our relationship will ever be any more than a sister/brother relationship but it's so difficult knowing that the end is near because it's so sad for all of us and such a huge change. I guess you gotta go through the hard stuff before it gets easier. I don't really know what I'm asking for... I guess to know that I'm not alone.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You would be happier if you were divorced? Alone without him? And being with him is worse than being alone? ... I did a reply to your other thread in the s section.. It's sad. That's alot of time together to throw away.. Is there any way of fixing this? Porn, couples sex therapy? How does he feel towards you and the bedroom? Maybe this just happens after so many years with the same person, the passion can just die. Question is, will you be happier without him? IS it just about the sex or is it you've fallen out of love with him completely and there's no intimacy at all left? (kisses, hugs, cuddles, laughter, holding hands)..
Author Lexygirl Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 You would be happier if you were divorced? Alone without him? And being with him is worse than being alone? ... I did a reply to your other thread in the s section.. It's sad. That's alot of time together to throw away.. Is there any way of fixing this? Porn, couples sex therapy? How does he feel towards you and the bedroom? Maybe this just happens after so many years with the same person, the passion can just die. Question is, will you be happier without him? IS it just about the sex or is it you've fallen out of love with him completely and there's no intimacy at all left? (kisses, hugs, cuddles, laughter, holding hands).. When we kiss (little peck) or hug (which is rare), I feel content at best, repulsed at worst but most of the time just numb. We went on a cruise a couple months ago together... Part of the reason was so I could see if we could reconnect. We held hands the odd time which was kinda nice. We had some half-assed sex once when we were drunk. The rest of the time it was like being there with a friend. On the Sunday, we were in the cabin 3 different times in the afternoon (day at sea) and neither one of us initiated anything. He asked me if I wanted to play mini-golf and I said "Sure why not, I don't have anything better to do" lmao. I think this has been coming for a very long time.... Began with us both being complacent about our marriage and like I say, sex has never been a priority to him so he really didn't initiate it much. Then I just stopped seeing him as a sexual being and since the sex sucked when we used to do it, I honestly didn't have any motivation to initiate it either which I guess made us both feel unsexy. Then came the disconnect in other ways.... and on and on. Probably for the past 10 years, sex has been once every 4 months on average (if that). I think I would rather be alone in some ways because at least I know we can both move on with our lives.
Frank13 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I say it is time to move on. Ignore the people who say 18 years is a lot to throw away. In your case, it was a lot of years to waste. The is no reward or prize at the end of your life for staying in an unhappy marriage. Don't waste time on money on counseling. Counseling isn't going to brainwash you into being happy. The time to move on us long overdue.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Did you leave no stone unturned Lexy? Because if you did then you should not feel guilt and the pain will pass. Otherwise turn over those stones.
robf1971 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 No disrespect due but what work have you or him put into this?. It sounds like you've just been sitting there and tolerating each other for the last x number of years. I just don't understand how that is working on a marriage!! I think feelings can and do change but then again if you don't want them to, they won't I've endured 2.5 years of my wife telling me how unnatracted she was to me and how we are like room mates blah blah all the stupid script, it only served to make me unattracted to her. It now seems that her romantic/in love feelings have returned, as have mine but they only did when we put the work in. Ie marriage counselling and a couple of reality checks.
Chi townD Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Well, I don't know you from Jane, but it sounds like you've put up this wall and won't let you get close to him. It only makes me wonder...and I'm sorry if this is out of line. Is there or was there someone else? Or is there someone else you are interested in? OR do you have a crush on someone? Seems like something is putting this wall up and usually is because of someone else. Now, if I'm wrong, then have you two considered marriage counseling? I mean, 18 years is a long time just to throw away over something that you've lost that could POSSIBLY be found again if you try. Then, if you really gave it a good try in marriage counseling and you TILL don't feel it anymore. Then, at least you know you tried.
Irishlove Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 It's sad because it's the end of an era. We are saying good bye to what could have/should have been but was not. I'm ending a ten year but I'm not in love with him. He is my childrens father and I thank him for that but he chizzled away at me for years due to his alcoholism. I fought like hell with three babies on my own. It's a piece of paper. I feel nothing for him, no attraction. It's his fault. He had chance after chance a loooooooooooong time ago.
WorldIsYours Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I know I've been on here asking for help regarding my 18 year marriage but I really am in horrible pain and turmoil On Friday afternoon I sent my husband a very long email to really explain everything that I'm feeling including the fact that I can't find myself attracted to him no matter how I try and that I am just numb with us. I explained how I do feel some love at times but then others none. I told him how he deserves to have someone love him with all their heart, etc. I told him that I have a separation agreement template that we can just fill out. We went out for breakfast on Saturday and talked more about it all. Today was like hell trying to make sense of it all and I just feel lost and the only time I felt 'grounded' was when I was making dinner and he got home. I cried alot today. I'm quite depressed. I worry about him being depressed too I guess I wonder if anyone else struggles this much with a decision they themselves have made. I don't think our relationship will ever be any more than a sister/brother relationship but it's so difficult knowing that the end is near because it's so sad for all of us and such a huge change. I guess you gotta go through the hard stuff before it gets easier. I don't really know what I'm asking for... I guess to know that I'm not alone. You haven't even told the man of all the times you cheated and you're wondering why the marriage is like this. You keep disrespecting him and thinking only of yourself. Divorce is most likely the best way to go.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Well, I don't know you from Jane, but it sounds like you've put up this wall and won't let you get close to him. It only makes me wonder...and I'm sorry if this is out of line. Is there or was there someone else? Or is there someone else you are interested in? OR do you have a crush on someone? Seems like something is putting this wall up and usually is because of someone else. Now, if I'm wrong, then have you two considered marriage counseling? I mean, 18 years is a long time just to throw away over something that you've lost that could POSSIBLY be found again if you try. Then, if you really gave it a good try in marriage counseling and you TILL don't feel it anymore. Then, at least you know you tried. There is no one else right now. We did go to marriage counselling a few times. It helped somewhat. My main problem is that we are so much like friends who 'hang out' together and basically care about one another that I can't see him as anything more than a friend and he really isn't that interested in sex either as far as I see it. But a marriage should be more than hanging out sometimes together. I can do that with my girlfriends. I need physical closeness and passion. It's like my brain, body and heart are constantly at odds with each other. I know I love him and it breaks my heart to think of being away from him but when I think of him with someone else who he can be passionate about, it makes me happy. Ugh ! So messed up.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 It's sad because it's the end of an era. We are saying good bye to what could have/should have been but was not. I'm ending a ten year but I'm not in love with him. He is my childrens father and I thank him for that but he chizzled away at me for years due to his alcoholism. I fought like hell with three babies on my own. It's a piece of paper. I feel nothing for him, no attraction. It's his fault. He had chance after chance a loooooooooooong time ago. Yes you are so right about it being sad that it's an end of what could have/should have been but was not... During the first few years our relationship we had a nice balance of being friends and lovers. Then as the years passed, we just became friends and well at times disconnected friends. Sorry to hear about your situation.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 I say it is time to move on. Ignore the people who say 18 years is a lot to throw away. In your case, it was a lot of years to waste. The is no reward or prize at the end of your life for staying in an unhappy marriage. Don't waste time on money on counseling. Counseling isn't going to brainwash you into being happy. The time to move on us long overdue. You make sense here, Frank13. I wish it were this easy though. It's not really even the amount of time that we were together that hurts... it's the good memories and how we really felt like somehow everything would always be good and right but at this point I go from feeling very sad to numb to angry and back again.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Did you leave no stone unturned Lexy? Because if you did then you should not feel guilt and the pain will pass. Otherwise turn over those stones. I don't think there are any stones left. I feel like we have done alot of talking and soul searching and we went on that cruise and basically our dynamic was VERY much paralleled during that time. The hardest thing out of all of this is that we still care about each other but like good friends and how do you say goodbye to a good friend whom you have 'hung out' with on a daily basis for 22 years? It's so painful.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 No disrespect due but what work have you or him put into this?. It sounds like you've just been sitting there and tolerating each other for the last x number of years. I just don't understand how that is working on a marriage!! I think feelings can and do change but then again if you don't want them to, they won't I've endured 2.5 years of my wife telling me how unnatracted she was to me and how we are like room mates blah blah all the stupid script, it only served to make me unattracted to her. It now seems that her romantic/in love feelings have returned, as have mine but they only did when we put the work in. Ie marriage counselling and a couple of reality checks. Well that gives me hope, Rob. I just can't get past feeling like he's my brother or father or something. As weird as it may sound, that's the dynamic that we have and it's awful. As far as working on the marriage, we have done quite a few things I think. We talk about things seriously probably every couple weeks. We went away on a cruise together alone. We did go to marriage counselling a few times. I booked a motel a few weeks ago and left him a note to find after work to come and meet me there and we had fun and went out for dinner and to a casino afterwards. Then everything went back to the same dynamic literally the day after. My reality check IS realizing that this marriage isn't fulfilling either one of our needs.
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 There's no one RIGHT NOW..... okay, so there was someone in the past. I'm guessing that is were the wall is coming from. It might be guilt that you subconsciously feel by betraying the man you promised yourself to. AND he has a wall up because he's afraid to get close to you for fear of getting hurt again therefore, there's an arms lenght distance between the two of you. Thus, the lack of passion and sex. You don't feel the excitement that you felt with someone else because it was new, fresh and wrong. Made you feel young again, like the passion you felt for the first guy you fell for in high school. This may be just my opinion, but there's a lot of hurt here that no one is addressing. You went to marriage counseling a few times and you said it felt like it helped. Sorry, but a "few times" is not gonna fix this.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 There's no one RIGHT NOW..... okay, so there was someone in the past. I'm guessing that is were the wall is coming from. It might be guilt that you subconsciously feel by betraying the man you promised yourself to. AND he has a wall up because he's afraid to get close to you for fear of getting hurt again therefore, there's an arms lenght distance between the two of you. Thus, the lack of passion and sex. You don't feel the excitement that you felt with someone else because it was new, fresh and wrong. Made you feel young again, like the passion you felt for the first guy you fell for in high school. This may be just my opinion, but there's a lot of hurt here that no one is addressing. You went to marriage counseling a few times and you said it felt like it helped. Sorry, but a "few times" is not gonna fix this. Thank you, ChiTown. Many things you are saying are valid, good points. And Yes we both have a wall up... mine probably bigger than his. Trouble is, I think our passion/good sex has been gone for wayyyy more years than I would like to admit I do think that intensive therapy of some kind is needed... the trick is to find someone decent who isn't going to put us in the poor house.
Chi townD Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Sorry, thought of something else. You say that you two feel like your roomates and friends more than you do husband and wife. Well, that's because you found a place that's safe for the both of you and you're stuck. Couples that have been interviewed because they been married for 50 or 60 years, they've been asked what did they do to last so long. The first thing they usually say is that their each others best friend. So, there you go. You have a foundation for your own marriage. I believe if you put half the effort into doing anything you could to save this marriage and into the man you deeply loved at one time rather than convincing yourself that it's over. I think you could have an amazing marriage and a deeper love for each than you ever did before. I feel like you're on this website to validate your reasoning for ending this marriage. In my opinion. You haven't given any strong enough reason but lets be honest you REALLY need to try.
robf1971 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 find someone decent who isn't going to put us in the poor house. Good Marriage counsellor = £40 per hour, good divorce lawyer = £300 per hour. You think counselling is expensive, try divorce!!
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Sorry, thought of something else. You say that you two feel like your roomates and friends more than you do husband and wife. Well, that's because you found a place that's safe for the both of you and you're stuck. Couples that have been interviewed because they been married for 50 or 60 years, they've been asked what did they do to last so long. The first thing they usually say is that their each others best friend. So, there you go. You have a foundation for your own marriage. I believe if you put half the effort into doing anything you could to save this marriage and into the man you deeply loved at one time rather than convincing yourself that it's over. I think you could have an amazing marriage and a deeper love for each than you ever did before. I feel like you're on this website to validate your reasoning for ending this marriage. In my opinion. You haven't given any strong enough reason but lets be honest you REALLY need to try. Agreed. I'm not on here to validate my reasoning for ending my marriage... just trying to make sense of it all and trying not to feel so alone and confused. Thank you
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Good Marriage counsellor = £40 per hour, good divorce lawyer = £300 per hour. You think counselling is expensive, try divorce!! Well there are ways around paying a divorce lawyer when you are amicable about everything BUT I get your point.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You can buy individuals too, they say that around 10 sessions is a pretty good number. I've done 3 and when I follow what they say it is very helpful.
Author Lexygirl Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 ty DOT.. I think for now, I am gonna try to find a live human being here in our area that can really dig into it all for us. We have honestly been through alot and there ARE alot more layers of trauma and pain than I'd really care to admit. I was thinking about it all a few minutes ago and I think that resentment is our biggest enemy right now on both sides. * sigh *
dreamingoftigers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 EMDR practitioner for trauma there has got to be at least one I The area.
Recommended Posts