Why do some women have such an issue with porn?

[Woggle]

I know this topic has been done to death and most modern day porn bores me but I am curious about this. It seems that to some women the worst sin a man can commit is looking at porn and I don't get it. They are just images on a screen of women he most likely will never meet or ever have a chance with. The chances of him actually cheating with these women is two million to one so why is this such an issue of contention?

[HopelessR]

I have no problem with it. I guess the only real issue could be if the guy is spending more time looking at porn and not willing to do anything with ME instead. Then it can be an issue.

[Woggle]

I can understand why people would have issues with strip clubs because you are actually interacting with the strippers but getting mad at porn is like getting mad at vampire movies.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know this topic has been done to death and most modern day porn bores me but I am curious about this. It seems that to some women the worst sin a man can commit is looking at porn and I don't get it. They are just images on a screen of women he most likely will never meet or ever have a chance with. The chances of him actually cheating with these women is two million to one so why is this such an issue of contention?

 

I would say that in my case my husband's porn adventures completely replaced all intimacy in our relationship and caused him to let me know how inadequate I was compared to the images.

 

Those images turned what I saved myself for 4 years to give to him into something that could be found in a plastic box with a wireless connection at McDonald's. And something that apparently worked better.

 

If you see in another thread reinforcing an unmonogamous sexual template using 18 year old women who were selected specifically for their physical assets leaves a wife very little to work with.

 

I am not 18, I do not have the figures and surgically altered wonders that they provide, nor am I going to be 18 and have those surgically-altered wonders anytime soon.

 

The porn industry knows exactly what it is doing by providing images that are visually altered to its users. It is hooking them and by the masses. It also doesn't care if you lose your family or get a divorce because of it, because then you are more likely to spend your time, money and effort viewing more porn.

 

Some men grow to love their porn more then their girlfriends and wives, this comes up often when you see a wife ask her husband to give up porn and he flat-out refuses despite the fact that it sometimes obliterates her self-esteem when he turns his primary attention to it.

 

How many wives need to come on these boards complaining of sexless marriages and how many guys need to come on here saying that now they "don't need a woman because they have porn?"

 

How many until people are willing to get that there is a problem?

[dreamingoftigers]

I can understand why people would have issues with strip clubs because you are actually interacting with the strippers but getting mad at porn is like getting mad at vampire movies.

 

If a man I was dating regularly masturbated to vampire movies and let me know how much they got him off but he lllooooovvveeessss me, you can bet that that would not be a long relationship (I am not willing to go through this type of journey again).

[Woggle]

I would say that in my case my husband's porn adventures completely replaced all intimacy in our relationship and caused him to let me know how inadequate I was compared to the images.

 

Those images turned what I saved myself for 4 years to give to him into something that could be found in a plastic box with a wireless connection at McDonald's. And something that apparently worked better.

 

If you see in another thread reinforcing an unmonogamous sexual template using 18 year old women who were selected specifically for their physical assets leaves a wife very little to work with.

 

I am not 18, I do not have the figures and surgically altered wonders that they provide, nor am I going to be 18 and have those surgically-altered wonders anytime soon.

 

The porn industry knows exactly what it is doing by providing images that are visually altered to its users. It is hooking them and by the masses. It also doesn't care if you lose your family or get a divorce because of it, because then you are more likely to spend your time, money and effort viewing more porn.

 

Some men grow to love their porn more then their girlfriends and wives, this comes up often when you see a wife ask her husband to give up porn and he flat-out refuses despite the fact that it sometimes obliterates her self-esteem when he turns his primary attention to it.

 

How many wives need to come on these boards complaining of sexless marriages and how many guys need to come on here saying that now they "don't need a woman because they have porn?"

 

How many until people are willing to get that there is a problem?

 

You are one of the people on here I have genuine sympathy for but to me addiction to anything is bad. I can even understand not wanting men to view it while in a relationship but the way I hear some women talk they want it all banned and destroyed.

[Duckduckgoose]

A man viewing porn is okay. When the porn takes the place of relationship intimacy its not okay.

 

Sort of like beer. Drinking some beer is okay. Drinking to the point where you are ****ing drunk all the time and it's affecting your relationship is not okay.

[DreamerGirl27]

I would say that in my case my husband's porn adventures completely replaced all intimacy in our relationship and caused him to let me know how inadequate I was compared to the images.

 

Those images turned what I saved myself for 4 years to give to him into something that could be found in a plastic box with a wireless connection at McDonald's. And something that apparently worked better.

 

If you see in another thread reinforcing an unmonogamous sexual template using 18 year old women who were selected specifically for their physical assets leaves a wife very little to work with.

 

I am not 18, I do not have the figures and surgically altered wonders that they provide, nor am I going to be 18 and have those surgically-altered wonders anytime soon.

 

The porn industry knows exactly what it is doing by providing images that are visually altered to its users. It is hooking them and by the masses. It also doesn't care if you lose your family or get a divorce because of it, because then you are more likely to spend your time, money and effort viewing more porn.

 

Some men grow to love their porn more then their girlfriends and wives, this comes up often when you see a wife ask her husband to give up porn and he flat-out refuses despite the fact that it sometimes obliterates her self-esteem when he turns his primary attention to it.

 

How many wives need to come on these boards complaining of sexless marriages and how many guys need to come on here saying that now they "don't need a woman because they have porn?"

 

How many until people are willing to get that there is a problem?

 

I agree with this whole heartedly.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I rely on porn, because I've never known anything else.

 

However, I'm actually scared that if I meet a girl, and she doesn't measure up to my porn star ideal, I will not be able to, umm, get an erection. This worries me, because I know that I'm too old for the 18 year old hotties I look at, and they aren't interested in me, anyway.

 

It's for this reason that I'm quitting porn. It's hard, because as I've mentioned before, I have certain "fetishes" that get played out via internet forums. I now have a hard time just looking at a picture of a friend, and fantasizing to get hard. I actually require the girl to be naked and doing the act.

 

Porn has been a nightmare. I'm sure that other guys will say I'm overreacting, but some people become porn addicts. I am one of them.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i think one reason is religious influence. some people view sex, engaging in different sexual positions and porn as dirty.

 

personally, i do not have a problem with it as long as my partner is not addicted to it. i look at porn myself lol. often times i am teased by it by my fiance.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are one of the people on here I have genuine sympathy for but to me addiction to anything is bad. I can even understand not wanting men to view it while in a relationship but the way I hear some women talk they want it all banned and destroyed.

 

Have they set a date yet?

[dreamingoftigers]

Just kidding, halfway.

 

Anyways. Porn especially in its current form holds no real value. It does not enhance intimacy and if anything strips away at it.

 

I will copy a basic outline of what I wrote in another thread. I can expand upon it but I don't want to chunk up this thread because there may be more women with views that want to share and I simply don't want my blanketing to look forceful or domineering.

 

BTW in regards to addiction, there isn't a 'safe level' of crack. Considering the many men that use porn day to day I would say that some level of regulation may actually be in the government's long-term interest. Not because of "women" but because of a declining birth rate. Simply put, what would be their future children are ending up in the palms of their hands.

[dreamingoftigers]

OKay here we go,

 

1. In the male brain the "sexual pursuance" and "romantic love" sections are located in different areas. In the young hetero male with the unset template he would merely be attracted to the 'ideal' female form overall. As the young man goes through childhood, his template becomes altered by those experiences and certain stimulus 'set' his attraction in certain ways.

 

2. This wiring is semi-permanent and as he gets older he is naturally attracted to certain women who fit that template and not to others that don't. Romantic love and attachment happen. Over the course of time as he sleeps with his intended partner, his brain is neurally plastic and his template alters to be stimulated by her depending on how many orgasms, frequency etc. with the dopamine that is released at orgasm (reinforcing the sexual center) and the oxytocin that gets released just after (reinforcing the love and bonding section).

 

With his wiring the template eventually becomes fairly set with one woman as the wiring between the two centers becomes more bunched and connected.

 

3. Disruptions happen when in youth a man starts to either a)masturbate to a variety of female stimulus therefore telling the brain that "a variety of female cause orgasm" instead of one. (common)

 

OR a man begins to masturbate to one set type of woman or stimulus that sets his template that way. (i.e. Xtra large surgically-altered breasts).

 

OR a man begins to sleep with a variety of women setting the template to not have intimacy, but rather brief encounters that spark dopamine but not oxytocin (common)

 

Of course most men will still end up in relationships, but without forcing their brains through the cognitive change of monogamy, they don't give their brains the chance to set their template to one woman. As men get older their brains tend to crave the emotional function as being part of sex.

 

As young men and women go through puberty, women develop the emotional-sexual connectivity functions that equal an approximate "8-lane highway" while men tend to develop more of a "country road." Men are quite capable of widening this road and eventually turning it into a highway (with some limitations) and therefore connecting the sexual centers with the love centers and thereby ending up quite happy in monogamy and desirous of their wives.

 

But step one is limiting the unmonogamous contact instead of reinforcing it. Unfortunately in our dopamine-driven society where we have attuned to having new new new all of the time.

 

You see oxytocin loves bonding and history, dopamine loves new and variety, and then intensity.

 

Things like porn provide a series of dopamine reactions due to the altered, movement, and visual nature of the content. The brain floods with dopamine.

 

Guess what dopamine also does? In inhibits oxytocin. So by playing with unattached sexual stimulus, you are actually inhibiting the brains ability to function as well with bonding. This is also where serial cheaters come from. Their brains have trouble bonding to one partner and they have their dopamine-fest with many. Oxytocin is released during kissing as well. Many wives that I have personally spoke with and some on here that have contacted me agree that their mates turned into poor kissers. Without the oxytocin there is little male need to kiss.

 

So there's your answer: instead of reinforcing the instinct that is most likely to hollow out your relationship, reinforce the bonding and affection one so that the dopamine falls in line and you become sexually satisfied instead of imbalanced.

 

Brains that have dealt with abusive/neglectful situtations tend to develop trauma symptoms. The brain naturally deals with trauma by flooding itself with an imbalance of dopamine in order to "feel good" instead of traumatized, if trauma has happened, it inhibits the ability to bond effectively because of the dopamine cycle that the brain is awash in.

 

EMDR has been effective in removing, processing and reducing trauma, thus assisting the brain in regain dopamine regulation balance.

 

Any further questions?

[White Flower]

Woggle, I'm sorry I didn't read the whole thread but will share a quick story with you before I go.

 

I have no problem with porn. Sometimes it gets me in the mood.

 

But my friend's exH was addicted to it and she felt betrayed by it. Sometimes he would come to bed late and she would think, great, we finally get to be alone and make love. But he'd be spent because he just jacked off to porn downstairs and had nothing left for her. In a very real sense, porn was his OW. They D'd.

 

As long as porn doesn't replace the person you love nor hinders your intimate time with them, I don't see a problem with it.

[highviolet]

A lot of it just comes down to the differences between men and women, and the fact that it is truly difficult to understand the other sex's point of view because the brain is just wired differently.

 

From what I've heard here, women do not understand the power of the visual aspect of men's sexuality and also the "need" to get off. They only see their man "getting off" to other women and it is hurtful, makes them insecure, etc. I think women need to see it from this aspect: you wouldn't tell a man he couldn't masturbate at all (I hope, that would be really controlling), and most men need visuals to get off. It is simply not a matter of wanting to be with other women, at least not with the men I've talked to (unless they were just placating me!)

 

It goes both ways. Men do not understand the true hurt that some women honestly feel and don't make an effort to understand it or explain their point of view. They see the woman trying to take away thier porn as being controlling becasue they are trying to take away a need that they have.

 

Here I am only talking about "normal" porn viewing, not excessive or addictive behavior.

 

I could be completely wrong, but that is my thinking anyway

[dreamingoftigers]

Plus who we share our bed with is often who we value highest. If who we value highest uses that same term so freely, it devalues us.

 

Just the same as if you and your wife have a special place like where you kissed for the first time and then your wife brings some random guy she met at 7-11 and kisses him there.

 

The sex I find hits me harder then the "emotional stuff." I never understood that perspective. If a man doesn't want to sleep with me, there must be something wrong with me. If a man doesn't want to cuddle me or go on a date with me then there must be something wrong with him because I am lots of fun!

[Knittress]

1) Some women are really insecure and have control-freak tendencies.

2) Some men are selfish and turn to porn to satisfy their own needs, while showing utter disregard to the emotional harm they're causing by neglecting their relationship and partner's emotional/sexual needs.

 

Neither side of this coin is very attractive.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh please, knock off the addiction responses. No where in this thread did he ask about porn addiction. If you want to start a thread in regards to porn addiction, go for it.

 

On the other hand, you have probably heard the old adage.

 

Hookers and porn stars. The girls that do things the girlfriends or wives wont do.

 

I only mentioned the addiction in my first post and when I wrote as part of one post: btw in regards to addiction blah blah blah.

 

The other attitudes are more general. To boil it down: it does nothing but reinforce unmonogamous behaviour and that hurts.

 

I believe that the male equivalent would be coming home knowing that your wife had kissed and cuddled on the couch with another guy (no sexual stuff just kissing and cuddling).

 

And that she did this regularly.

[Knittress]

I only mentioned the addiction in my first post and when I wrote as part of one post: btw in regards to addiction blah blah blah.

 

The other attitudes are more general. To boil it down: it does nothing but reinforce unmonogamous behaviour and that hurts.

 

I believe that the male equivalent would be coming home knowing that your wife had kissed and cuddled on the couch with another guy (no sexual stuff just kissing and cuddling).

 

And that she did this regularly.

 

I respect your life experiences, but to play devils advocate - there ARE women who ignore their relationship/partner while they read romance books which fulfill an emotional need for them. (I had an issue with this, myself) It's really very much the same thing.

 

I think, the point is, if the other person is AWARE of your porn-viewing preferences/habits - then you're being an inconsiderate a-hole.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

This is separate from my earlier post, but if someone is mentally and emotionally healthy, why would porn be such a bad thing?

 

Every guy masturbates. If it's not to some porn star, it's to a female friend.

 

I'd frankly feel better, if I was a girl, if my boyfriend was getting off to some random pornstar he'll never meet, or some celebrity he'll never meet, rather than a female friend who he sees regularly.

 

And that is where the gender divides. Women can fantasize about male friends, and if a guy steps in, he's controlling. But god help us if a man has fantasies. He must want to have more than the fantasy, of course, because he has a penis and a woman doesn't.

 

Bottom line is, women have their Twilight obsession, and their romance novels. Men have porn. Deal with it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I respect your life experiences, but to play devils advocate - there ARE women who ignore their relationship/partner while they read romance books which fulfill an emotional need for them. (I had an issue with this, myself) It's really very much the same thing.

 

I think, the point is, if the other person is AWARE of your porn-viewing preferences/habits - then you're being an inconsiderate a-hole.

 

I think ignoring your partner is wrong. Period.

 

This is separate from my earlier post, but if someone is mentally and emotionally healthy, why would porn be such a bad thing?

 

Every guy masturbates. If it's not to some porn star, it's to a female friend.

 

I'd frankly feel better, if I was a girl, if my boyfriend was getting off to some random pornstar he'll never meet, or some celebrity he'll never meet, rather than a female friend who he sees regularly.

 

And that is where the gender divides. Women can fantasize about male friends, and if a guy steps in, he's controlling. But god help us if a man has fantasies. He must want to have more than the fantasy, of course, because he has a penis and a woman doesn't.

 

Bottom line is, women have their Twilight obsession, and their romance novels. Men have porn. Deal with it.

 

We disagree, at least it would be a human with some substance that he had to rub two neurons together to think about.

 

I think Twilight is lame, who wants a guy that wants to drink your blood, gross. As for the "deal with it" those are pretty big words coming from someone that already knows he has a problem with it. The two tend not to be equal. Women's romance usage as a whole is nowhere near equivalent to the industry that porn is.

[Duckduckgoose]

Bottom line is, women have their Twilight obsession, and their romance novels. Men have porn. Deal with it.

 

Women masterbate too bubba. And umm... I don't have a Twilight obsession or read ****-tastic romance novels.

 

I can just Jill off to thinking about sex, it's not that difficult.

[zengirl]

I know this topic has been done to death and most modern day porn bores me but I am curious about this. It seems that to some women the worst sin a man can commit is looking at porn and I don't get it. They are just images on a screen of women he most likely will never meet or ever have a chance with. The chances of him actually cheating with these women is two million to one so why is this such an issue of contention?

 

I have no issues with men viewing porn, so long as they are not addicted to it, disrespectful or inappropriate about their use of it, or hindering the intimacy of the relationship with it. Most women I know feel the same.

 

I've never met a woman who thought it was the "worst sin a man can commit" (maybe a nun in someone's Catholic school----don't waste that sperm, it's a sin! Haha) so I think that's hyperbole on your part, Woggle. I'm sure even the women who object think cheating, hitting, etc, are worse.

 

If porn is in any way hindering the relationship, I'd have a problem with it. That, for me, would include a man who is too obvious or frequent in his porn use (i.e. He has a porn collection he keeps in clear view of visitors -- gross, not appropriate in my book -- or he spends time looking at porn when we're on vacation instead of hanging out with me, as one poster mentioned in another thread happened with her BF). This has never been a problem in ANY of my relationships. It's never even come up. I don't think any of my boyfriends viewed porn super-regularly, but I'm sure they watched some (in some cases, I know they did). It's not a problem. The reason you hear women say it's a problem is because they experienced it hindering their relationships (and/or they're automatically insecure).

 

I can understand that, because I have a similar thing with a particular drug that is often casually used (debated whether it should be legal) but I detest. I especially detest when partners use it. My opinion of this drug----I hate hate hate hate it--- is not really based on medical science, my own general morals (generally, I'm more the type who'd say, "Make it legal and tax it" and I even think that with more serious drugs, but somehow this one gets to me, emotionally), but rather because I had a relationship where it seriously hindered emotional and sexual intimacy to the point I found damaging. I had that experience at a formative relationship age, in my very early 20s, and even though mentally I know my reaction is an overreaction to the drug, emotionally the reaction exists. I imagine people have had similar reactions to porn (and are perhaps less analytical than I, so not even having the whole "mentally they know" thing; they just go with their emotional reaction).

 

Oh please, knock off the addiction responses. No where in this thread did he ask about porn addiction. If you want to start a thread in regards to porn addiction, go for it.

 

On the other hand, you have probably heard the old adage.

 

Hookers and porn stars. The girls that do things the girlfriends or wives wont do.

 

I don't think you can talk about a vice without talking about the darker ends of the spectrum. If somebody asked, "Why do people have issues with alcohol?" we'd have to mention alcoholism as well. Porn addiction and porn are the same topic --- it's just a spectrum of use.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I don't really have much problem with porn. I can't very well tell my boyfriend not to watch it since I watch it myself.

 

I get a little jealous at times if I see the attractive girls he's been looking at, but a little (very little) bit of jealousy is good.

 

As long as our sex life is great, it's not an issue. If he stopped wanting to have sex with me or wanted it less frequently as a result of porn, that would be an issue.

[Eclypse]

Interesting discussion! Especially the stuff DOT wrote. I did quite a bit of study on human physiology at university but we never covered that topic.

 

I am a 20 year old male. So for pretty much as long as I can remember porn has been freely available on the internet for me to view at my leisure (as long as parents weren't around ) I think I began around the age of 12 and it was always an enjoyable experience for me. I looked at it regularly, either daily or once every 2 /3 days and used it as a masturbation tool. However I was aware from the onset that real women did not look like this.

 

I got my first (and so far only) girlfriend a year ago so I spent a long time just with porn before her. However porn hasn't seemed to cause any issues yet. I accept my girlfriend for her faults, and she always turns me on. However I do find I have trouble orgasming sometimes, which I don't like I enjoy kisses and cuddles even more than sex sometimes.

 

However looking back on everything, perhaps porn did influence me in subconscious ways without me even noticing? I realised that all the girls I'd ever been attracted to were the very thin waif ones. My girlfriend is only 90 pounds and her body looks like that of a porn star (but her boobs are small). Food for thought I guess.

 

Perhaps DOT was right about the dopamine effects. I've had instances where I've kissed other girls (only twice before) while drunk. Maybe the dopamine from all the porn viewing caused me to do that? Or maybe I'm just a f***ing bastard.

 

My girlfriend doesn't mind me watching porn, although she hates it. She say's its a guy thing and is ok with me watching it. I think this is mainly because I'm always horny for her and ready to go I still watch porn fairly regularly as we only get to see each other once a week so need a way to keep the urges down over the week! I consider it to be a relaxing experience, and also it's a chance to play out fantasies my gf wouldn't ever do (such as anal, threesomes, bondage etc).