Should I send this to GF (ex today) who is struggling w/ depression & pushed me away

[whatdoido1717]

Here is what I wrote:

 

 

Her,

It is my hope that you do not find this short letter to be disrespectful of the time and space you requested from me. I decided this would be the best way to tell you this without creating anymore drama or putting you in a situation where you felt like I wanted answers.

 

This letter is not really about me. It is about you and the journey you have ahead of you. I want you to know I support you 100% and will respect what you have to go through by giving you your space and the all the time necessary to take care of yourself. I will still be here for you if you need anything, regardless of what happens. I mean that the same now, when we've reached this point, as I did when I told you it before at the point in our relationship when things were amazing.

 

I know you hate it when I apologize, so this part will be brief. The biggest regret I have and the biggest mistake I have made in my life thus far is the way I handled the other weekend and in particular, telling you that you don't know how f***ed up you really are. I don't ever expect you to forget that and I can never take it back. I am deeply sorry for cutting you like that. I hope you know that although I know you are in a bad spot, I don't actually think you are ****ed up. I think you are an amazing woman that is in a horrifically difficult situation, which she did not bring upon herself and one that she does not deserve. In the entire time I was with you, even as the words came out of my mouth, I have never thought you were ****ed up at all. I think the hand of cards that you have been dealt recently is what's really ****ed up and I took it out on you because I was caught up in the heat of the moment.

 

I have been trying to educate myself on depression by reading articles and doing some research online and I don't begin to think I have the slightest idea what you are going through, but I can respect that you need to figure this out on your own. I don't have any answers and if all I have brought to the table is drama then I do not blame you for not wanting me with you on this journey. I know my love for you really has nothing to do with the situation. But know that I am the man who you looked at, as you told me, "as the best person to walk in to your life." My compassion for you and your well being is very strong and if I can only show you that by walking away, I will. I am standing tall and will continue to be the most kick *** employee at work, the "jock" that will love his Blazers and Huskies, and the caring and loving person I am. And I will always be the man that promised he'd stop drinking with you, if it helped you heal. I will always be the man that cares so much about you he'd write you a letter everyday you were in jail. I will always be the man that will pull you out of the bar if you have been drinking too much (and on any other night, I would have told Mac to **** off and taken you home, but I was only trying to respect your boundaries, considering where we were at, at that point). I will always be the man that will go completely sober with you if it helps you. I don't ever want to be a contributor to your unhappiness.

 

I am sorry I let my insecurities get a hold of me to the extent they did and let them cause as much drama and frustration as they did. I know you loved me and I am sorry I betrayed your trust. Those insecurities seem so minute and pathetic know because I never once doubted us. Never once doubted that we were as good of a team as we said we were or that we weren't oddly perfect for one another. I hope you look back at me as the man who only wanted to bring you happiness and not as another ******* male that hurt you along the way. I would give you a world of happiness if I could, for now I will give you your space.

 

Love,

Me

 

 

----

 

Here is the context behind everything:

 

I am 26 years old and my significant other is 26 as well. We began a long distance relationship, about an hour and a half drive, over 7 months ago. I would come up on the weekends, and she would come down during the week when she had time.

 

We quickly fell for each other. When we first met she had just broken off an engagement with her ex-fiance of 2 years. I knew when I met her she was in a bad spot with depression. She has had almost every imaginable thing happen to her growing up as well as current family issues with her sister and mother.

 

Well, our relationship had been great up until a couple weeks ago. I had a few insecurities, mostly because I didn't get to see her very much and these eventually resulted in a big fight between the two of us where I said some very regrettable things. One thing that hurt her very bad because it cut to the core of who she really is.

 

I saw her this past weekend and we hung out all weekend although things were far from being smoothed over. She told me that "I had all of her" and, while in tears, told me that I was the most amazing person that had ever come in to her life. That I cared about her more than anybody ever had but still felt like I betrayed her by talking to her friend (when I was emotional after our fight and afraid of losing her) and really hurt by what I said.

 

This weekend, we were having an intimate moment in bed and her sister exploded and told me to get the F out (she thinks I am a bad influence on her sister, which is mind boggling to me since I have been trying to help her quit drinking), and my SO rushed out of the room and screamed at her not to talk to me like that and they ended up getting in a huge altercation and my SO getting kicked out of the house after this weekend.

 

This, needless to say, crushed her, as the sister she was fighting with was pretty much the last person she had a close relationship with other than me. When I left Sunday, I asked her "if I still have her" and she didn't take it very well, because I think she wanted more time to think about everything that had happened. (I didn't really contact her at all last week and thought that was what I was giving her, but I guess it was not enough).

 

Well, she said, I just got in a huge fight with my sister over you, you obviously have me! A few minutes later I said my goodbyes and headed back to my apartment. On the way, I talked to my best friend and he told me she was going to a baseball game next Friday (which she hadn't mentioned to me, which is a little weird) so I called her up casually and asked if she was going. She said she was not going but that she had been invited by her ex-fiance (who she maintained casual contact with) but she wasn't going. I simply said that I was happy she wasn't going because it seemed a little awkward since it would've been the one year anniversary of when he proposed.

 

Well, she got upset at that point, and was like I cannot do this anymore. I can't deal with the drama. She told me, which I already knew I guess, that she was at the end. That she couldn't take anything anymore. She said she was extremely depressed and now was about to be homeless and didn't have anywhere to go. She said she couldn't do this anymore because she was almost to the point of complete collapse and needed space to figure herself out and that we had to break up because she couldn't deal with the drama when she was already in such a low spot.

 

I have been reading more about depression and I can empathize with where she is and I want nothing more than to give her her space and I will. At the same time, I am so sad to lose her. She told me I was like no man or person in her life before, and although I said one mean, in the heat of the moment, thing, it is like that has undone all I have done for her and how I have been there. I am deathly afraid I have lost her for good or that she is going to turn to her ex for a shoulder to cry on.

 

I want to respect her space but I also want her to know that I can empathize and I want her to get better. I want to tell her that I am not going anywhere if she needs anything. Is there anything I can do here? I know most will say give her her space and if she realizes what you have then she will come back but I don't want to giver her space to the point that I am no longer in her life. I care about her more than anything on the planet and want her to be healthy and if that means leaving her alone I guess I have to but I don't want her to throw away "the best person thats come into her life" because of a couple bad weekends and because she is sick. She has to do this on her own but she doesn't deserve to lose those who do care about her well being. I feel sick. Please help

[whatdoido1717]

(sorry for the double post)

[JasonRules]

Your girlfriend pushed you away because she doesn't want to be with you and she feels she doesn't need you in her life. If she is depressed, let her contact her father, mother, siblings, or friends.

 

No woman on earth will find that letter attractive. Be a man and stick to NC. I know its tough and you hate it cause you miss her, but guess what?

 

I miss her too, but I'm not going to be sending her "I support you no matter what" type letters because all that does is empower her more and cause her to lose respect for me.

 

She broke up with you? You need to stick with NC and do not email, text, or call her. The more you do, the more you prolong your agony and the more you shoot down your chances of her missing you (if that's what you want).

 

You need to take her down from the pedestal you have put her on.

[whatdoido1717]

I think you're right, the only thing is she doesn't have a father, mother, sister, or many close friends she can turn to. It was me and her sister, but she just had a huge falling out with her sister. She is pretty much abandoned

[JasonRules]

I think you're right, the only thing is she doesn't have a father, mother, sister, or many close friends she can turn to. It was me and her sister, but she just had a huge falling out with her sister. She is pretty much abandoned

 

Correction; she abandoned you.

[Google1000]

I think you're right, the only thing is she doesn't have a father, mother, sister, or many close friends she can turn to. It was me and her sister, but she just had a huge falling out with her sister. She is pretty much abandoned

 

YOU WANT HER TO BE ABANDONED! Why? Because then she will be miserable and might come running back to you.

 

I can't promise that she will come back, but I can promise you one thing:

 

If you send her that letter and continue to talk to her, you will NEVER get her back. Period.

 

SHE ABANDONED YOU DUDE. Now be a man and ignore her. NEVER reply to any of her texts. Only then will there ever be a shot at her coming back to you.

[JasonRules]

Its basic human psychology. We never appreciate what we have certain. And we never miss what will always be there.

[whatdoido1717]

alright, I am heeding your guys' advice. letter has been put away

[butterfly2011]

positive side of this is you were able to get all that was on you mind out by writing it out. Good thing! Now put it away and NC.

 

I want my man back too.....so I am NC because I dont want to push him further away than I have. I dont even want to write what I have said to him. Hoping he can forgive me soon. Only one day of NC so far..... Need to learn a little bit more about me and why I get so mean sometimes when I dont want to be that way. I love my man and He loves me too. I want that love back... so I am staying out of sight...hoping he will miss me....

 

How long does that take usually for a man to miss his woman?

[JasonRules]

positive side of this is you were able to get all that was on you mind out by writing it out. Good thing! Now put it away and NC.

 

I want my man back too.....so I am NC because I dont want to push him further away than I have. I dont even want to write what I have said to him. Hoping he can forgive me soon. Only one day of NC so far..... Need to learn a little bit more about me and why I get so mean sometimes when I dont want to be that way. I love my man and He loves me too. I want that love back... so I am staying out of sight...hoping he will miss me....

 

How long does that take usually for a man to miss his woman?

 

Usually 1-6 months...

[butterfly2011]

OUCH.... one to six months....hmmmm

 

He says he didnt take his things because he wants to see how things work out. We didnt break up, I just asked him to leave during an argument.... He tried to get in touch with me the very next morning but I didnt respond to him. Cant go backwards but wish I had responded...he would have come home. Instead he felt that I threw him away and now is hurt by that. I dont blame him. When I went NC for 2 days last week, he started texting me. Now I dont like playing games but if this is the way it works I guess I have to try it. So say two days pass and he starts texting.... I ignore the texts since when I replied before he backed off? How long do I let him keep texting? Until he calls or shows his face I assume/????

 

Sorry I made this post about me.. Selfish i know.... sorry

 

and I changed the locks yesterday cause he was being really mean to me and playing games with me which I dont think is necessary really. I probably did the wrong things by changing the locks??? so soon?? I keep making one mistake after another.... what do u think of the lock situation/?

[JasonRules]

OUCH.... one to six months....hmmmm

 

He says he didnt take his things because he wants to see how things work out. We didnt break up, I just asked him to leave during an argument.... He tried to get in touch with me the very next morning but I didnt respond to him. Cant go backwards but wish I had responded...he would have come home. Instead he felt that I threw him away and now is hurt by that. I dont blame him. When I went NC for 2 days last week, he started texting me. Now I dont like playing games but if this is the way it works I guess I have to try it. So say two days pass and he starts texting.... I ignore the texts since when I replied before he backed off? How long do I let him keep texting? Until he calls or shows his face I assume/????

 

Sorry I made this post about me.. Selfish i know.... sorry

 

and I changed the locks yesterday cause he was being really mean to me and playing games with me which I dont think is necessary really. I probably did the wrong things by changing the locks??? so soon?? I keep making one mistake after another.... what do u think of the lock situation/?

 

 

The locks is a bit over dramatic, but you can talk to him. Sounds more like a spate between you two than a full blown break up.

[butterfly2011]

Jason - I changed the locks because I dont think he has the right to just come and go while I am away at work if he doesnt choose to be here. He isnt contributing while he is gone so why should he be able to come in and act as if he lives here? That is why I changed the locks..... Yes a bit dramatic I agree, but I let him know I was going to do that. Basically him coming here while I am gone is him trying to check up on me to see what I have been doing. He came here last week and ate some food I had in the kitchen, took some snacks I bought for the kids, took some clothes, probably showered and did laundry. Later that day he said he didnt want to be with me anymore, then even later he said he left his stuff here to see how things work out. Im just stopping the game.

Hes been playing games with me and I just want the games to stop. He is hurt, I will give him that but that does not give him the right to play games. Its childish and here I am acting the same damn way. I am really ashamed at myself so I decided to change the locks and go NC. Yes I hope he wants to talk and decides to come back home, but until then I have to live everyday without this stomach ache,. I have two sons to take care of so I have to be healthy.

I do though feel bad about changing the locks cause what if that just makes him feel more violated and pushed away? I just know I dont want him taking advantage of the situation and walking all over me. DOes that make any sense or am I rambling?

[butterfly2011]

jason, i repeated myself over and over, sorry about that. I sure do appreciate you being here for me though and the support you have been giving me.

[butterfly2011]

oh, note, When he came here and did those things... I didnt say a word about it when I found out. Cause really I just wanted him to come home and stay. Hoping its just a semi mid life crisis he is going through. Only time will tell. This has happened before and things got better with time and when he came back, we were stronger than ever.

 

The argument we had....well I hope he considers my feelings on it cause I really felt strongly about what I was telling him. I know anyone would agree with me if I were to mention what the argument was about.

[JasonRules]

oh, note, When he came here and did those things... I didnt say a word about it when I found out. Cause really I just wanted him to come home and stay. Hoping its just a semi mid life crisis he is going through. Only time will tell. This has happened before and things got better with time and when he came back, we were stronger than ever.

 

The argument we had....well I hope he considers my feelings on it cause I really felt strongly about what I was telling him. I know anyone would agree with me if I were to mention what the argument was about.

 

How old are you guys? It sounds like you're in your 30s/40s? Why don't you just sit down like adults and talk about it? Tell each other what your expectations are and what you'd like to see happening. This tit for tat will lead no where.

[butterfly2011]

In our 30's...and as much as i have tried to be an adult and sit down and discuss this...I asked him this weekend if we can sit down and talk this through. So later he send me this via childish text of course:

 

.he says the words, look I want to work things out but we really need to sit and talk things through together.

 

I say..ok sounds great...where can we meet? Let do this. He says lets talk tomorrow...

 

Second time he has done that. He is trying to hurt me, playing games. I know him too well. It has made me realize all the growing up he still has to do and that although I thought I was acting mature.....I have began acting immature and like I said before....I am ashamed of that and have decided to stop behaving that way.... I am a grown woman and that is not me. If he wants to continue that way then no we will not go anywhere.

 

Well I am off to bed for the night. I feel like a complete compulsive stalker right now. LOL chasing down Jason for advice.

 

thanks for your support Jason. I hope you have a wonderful night.

I pray that I can stop obsessing over this... He will come around sooner or later to talk about this. Who knows what will happen at that time. Only God knows.

nite nite

[JasonRules]

In our 30's...and as much as i have tried to be an adult and sit down and discuss this...I asked him this weekend if we can sit down and talk this through. So later he send me this via childish text of course:

 

.he says the words, look I want to work things out but we really need to sit and talk things through together.

 

I say..ok sounds great...where can we meet? Let do this. He says lets talk tomorrow...

 

Second time he has done that. He is trying to hurt me, playing games. I know him too well. It has made me realize all the growing up he still has to do and that although I thought I was acting mature.....I have began acting immature and like I said before....I am ashamed of that and have decided to stop behaving that way.... I am a grown woman and that is not me. If he wants to continue that way then no we will not go anywhere.

 

Well I am off to bed for the night. I feel like a complete compulsive stalker right now. LOL chasing down Jason for advice.

 

thanks for your support Jason. I hope you have a wonderful night.

I pray that I can stop obsessing over this... He will come around sooner or later to talk about this. Who knows what will happen at that time. Only God knows.

nite nite

 

Don't worry. Be confident and optimistic. Things always work themselves out one way or another for the better...

[betterdeal]

That's a very kind letter, but I think sending it won't make matters better. Whist you wish your ex a speedy recovery and all good things, you have to respect your own needs as well. You need to not catch depression from her, and promising to be there no matter what is one sure way to catch it. One sure way to avoid catching it is to ensure your life is enjoyable and not overly dependent on one person.

 

Maybe in time you can enquire as to how she is and, if she's in a good place, you work from there. Just leave it for now.