2long Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Define "love". Because I'm pretty sure that anyone who'd do something so selfish and cruel as having an affair THINKS they know what love is but clearly CANNOT. -ol' 2long
Heart On Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) This is exactly why I could never have loved the OW! I could never have taken a woman like that home to my family. I have to much respect for them. Too bad I had so little respect for myself that I did engage in the kind of destructive behavior which led to the affair. To me, even at the time, an OP just isn't marriage material. And you are?This statement is so Madonna/Whore complex and it reaks of hypocracy.I'll bet you never told her that before you used her for sex. Edited April 9, 2011 by Heart On
bentnotbroken Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 And you are?This statement is so Madonna/Whore complex and it reaks of hypocracy.I'll bet you never told her that before you used her for sex. And apparently she didn't mind being used by a MM for sex. She knew he was married. There was a two way street of using there.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 And you are?This statement is so Madonna/Whore complex and it reaks of hypocracy.I'll bet you never told her that before you used her for sex. This particular MM has been on the straight and narrow for a long while just for the record.
thomasb Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) And you are?This statement is so Madonna/Whore complex and it reaks of hypocracy.I'll bet you never told her that before you used her for sex. Sorry you don't like what I said. Perhaps I hit a nerve. There are women a man has sex with and women they would marry and make love too. And I'm sure it is the same for a woman. Such as their are types of women I would not want kissing my children. I would hope that now, almost fourteen years since the affair, I would be more mature than to ever have dealings with the first. Edited April 10, 2011 by thomasb
BB07 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Sorry you don't like what I said. Perhaps I hit a nerve. There are women a man has sex with and women they would marry and make love too. And I'm sure it is the same for a woman. Such as their are types of women I would not want kissing my children. I would hope that now, almost fourteen years since the affair, I would be more mature than to ever have dealings with the first. You know Thomas.........I get that you regret your affair and you have every right to dislike/hate your OW because of what she done after..........BUT you obviously at one time thought she was good enough to stick your penis in. Perhaps continuing to view her as the whore who took advantage of your drunk fumbling allows you to rationalize your own actions a little more in your own mind?
thomasb Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Or perhaps you are wrong and I have a harder time dealing with my actions during the affair. Her actions were her own.
hoping2heal Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Is it really possible? It felt real? Or was I a fool? He even lived with me. He is terrified of losing his company and she WILL take it. He wants all that I am but I don't have the money. I'm the 'poor girl'. She holds his testicles. lol. Did he love me? Any men.... I read in another thread about you mentioning that he threw you under the bus, made rude comments about you, made YOU out to be the bad guy to his family, and when asked if he loved you he said no. I might be living on planet Mars but if that is love then I am an alien. Rolling on someone to save your own ass is not love, it is just being selfish and self serving and if he does love you then he must have a very small capacity to love if that is how he treats a person he is in love with.
hoping2heal Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Often he thinks he is in love but when the reality hits him that you are a woman who was willing to F**K a married man he then loses respect for you and moves on. Sorry. You have to respect someone to truly love them and many men just don't respect women who fool around with married men. This is true. It is a double standard, but I did some research on infidelity within a marriage and this did seem to be an often echoed sentiment. A woman often ruins her credibility by her consent to participate in the affair. That is not true in every single case, but it was definitely popular theme in my findings for the unfaithful men. It should not come as a surprise I guess. The OW or OM in the affair accepts less than deserved treatment on a constant basis, when people let others treat them in a way that is less than they deserve eventually that other person begins to view them as inferior. It happens in all types of social interaction, not just with romantic relationships so it is really, only natural that it would apply here as well.
thomasb Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 This is true. It is a double standard, but I did some research on infidelity within a marriage and this did seem to be an often echoed sentiment. A woman often ruins her credibility by her consent to participate in the affair. That is not true in every single case, but it was definitely popular theme in my findings for the unfaithful men. It should not come as a surprise I guess. The OW or OM in the affair accepts less than deserved treatment on a constant basis, when people let others treat them in a way that is less than they deserve eventually that other person begins to view them as inferior. It happens in all types of social interaction, not just with romantic relationships so it is really, only natural that it would apply here as well. You explained it very well!
hoping2heal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) You explained it very well! Eh, it's simple social science. When people allow others to treat them less than equal at some point (in some cases it happens quick, others more gradually) that person will begin to view them as actually being less than equal to themselves. You don't respect someone you view as inferior to yourself. I think for the OW/OM this does not register because they are in an affair fog. They assume it is the DH/DW that is being betrayed. While that is true there are two branches to consider here. The first, is that often the DH/DW does not actually know of the betrayal, they are not choosing to stay in a situation with a cheater willingly because they are not aware. The AP is still being betrayed and treated with less than they deserve because they are not an integral part of the MM/MWs daily life. By consenting to an affair with a MM/MW you are accepting less than equal treatment and respect goes out of the window at some point. The same dynamic applies in monogamus relationships as well. You ever see a woman or man who is accomodating of their partner to the part of putting their own needs/feelings/etc. on the back burner? Yes, and what do you often see? Someone who treats them not very well and is ungrateful. They lose respect for that person. An AP must put his or her needs on the backburner and accomodate their MM/MW. I think the dynamic changes though in affairs that are purely physical and where neither party connects emotionally because they both remain neutral in that scenario. Edited April 11, 2011 by hoping2heal
Flabbergaster Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 To the OP, from a MM that was in an affair yes it is possible for the mm to fall in love. It is also possible for him to just use you. I fell in love. The OW must be so much better / stronger a love than the life he has that you have a hard path to victory. You must be good enough for him to sacrifice his M, his W, the years of memories, the life he has built. Oh, and then...he must still be brave enough to go for it. Did he love you? I don't know. I hope so! Does it matter? Well...the thing is...he chose that life over you. I'm so sorry. It doesn't me you aren't worth it. Heck, this is a guy who got into an A...you cant trust his judgment. Money? fine, let him be selfish...you don't want a selfish man anyway. If he isn't willing to give that all up..he might love you, but not enough. You'd give up all for him, right? Well, move on for someoen that will do the same for you. The best thing you can do is move on, find a way to hate him, get help to recover, go NC (very important), and move on with a happy life. Let him be a bittersweet memory, something you are happy to have had and a pain you recover from.
blizzard Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) Yes he can. Does it make a difference whether or not he leaves his wife? No it doesn't. There are times where you have simply have to let go of the one you love...for so many reasons. A WS spouse can hurt the one he/she loves. OW or spouse. As for a MM thinking less of OW after an affair, it's basically a stupid notion unless it were a one night stand sort of fling. Relationships in affairs can run pretty deep. I believe both parties have a clear understanding of what they both have done and their reasons behind straying. Edited April 11, 2011 by blizzard
spacehopper Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 From someone who has been in the same situation yes it is possible,we are now a normal happy couple who now have everything we ever wanted,am not saying it works for everyone and everyone involved has been through some very dark times but if this is what you really want you need to give an ultimatum and stick with it.He may tell you what you dont want to hear but at least then you know exactlywhat your dealing with This rubbish that he doesnt respect you because you fooled around with a married man is obviously a narrow minded view of ppl who have never known this type of situation,get with the times affairs happen their on every chat site going,its part of life,some ppl choose to go there and some ppl dont but life is about risks and choices and as long as you can live with the choices you make then you dont have to answer to anyone but yourself. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do,either way it will be a tough road ahead x
Summer Breeze Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Eh, it's simple social science. When people allow others to treat them less than equal at some point (in some cases it happens quick, others more gradually) that person will begin to view them as actually being less than equal to themselves. You don't respect someone you view as inferior to yourself. I think for the OW/OM this does not register because they are in an affair fog. They assume it is the DH/DW that is being betrayed. While that is true there are two branches to consider here. The first, is that often the DH/DW does not actually know of the betrayal, they are not choosing to stay in a situation with a cheater willingly because they are not aware. The AP is still being betrayed and treated with less than they deserve because they are not an integral part of the MM/MWs daily life. By consenting to an affair with a MM/MW you are accepting less than equal treatment and respect goes out of the window at some point. The same dynamic applies in monogamus relationships as well. You ever see a woman or man who is accomodating of their partner to the part of putting their own needs/feelings/etc. on the back burner? Yes, and what do you often see? Someone who treats them not very well and is ungrateful. They lose respect for that person. An AP must put his or her needs on the backburner and accomodate their MM/MW. I think the dynamic changes though in affairs that are purely physical and where neither party connects emotionally because they both remain neutral in that scenario. Maybe I disagree with this because I don't think of anyone as inferior to me.
Summer Breeze Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Yes he can. Does it make a difference whether or not he leaves his wife? No it doesn't. There are times where you have simply have to let go of the one you love...for so many reasons. A WS spouse can hurt the one he/she loves. OW or spouse. As for a MM thinking less of OW after an affair, it's basically a stupid notion unless it were a one night stand sort of fling. Relationships in affairs can run pretty deep. I believe both parties have a clear understanding of what they both have done and their reasons behind straying. Well said.
hoping2heal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 From someone who has been in the same situation yes it is possible,we are now a normal happy couple who now have everything we ever wanted,am not saying it works for everyone and everyone involved has been through some very dark times but if this is what you really want you need to give an ultimatum and stick with it.He may tell you what you dont want to hear but at least then you know exactlywhat your dealing with This rubbish that he doesnt respect you because you fooled around with a married man is obviously a narrow minded view of ppl who have never known this type of situation,get with the times affairs happen their on every chat site going,its part of life,some ppl choose to go there and some ppl dont but life is about risks and choices and as long as you can live with the choices you make then you dont have to answer to anyone but yourself. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do,either way it will be a tough road ahead x The beauty of this website is that you are able to see the perspective of others, It is not a narrow minded view at all, it does happen just as situations like yours happen, even if they are in the minority they do happen. I would not know if her MM in question disrespects her simply because she fools around with a MM or not, but it is pretty apparent from his mistreatment of her that he does not respect her and she really deserves much better than to be rolled on like that.
thomasb Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 This rubbish that he doesnt respect you because you fooled around with a married man is obviously a narrow minded view of ppl who have never known this type of situation,get with the times affairs happen their on every chat site going,its part of life,some ppl choose to go there and some ppl dont but life is about risks and choices and as long as you can live with the choices you make then you dont have to answer to anyone but yoursel x It is important to remember that everyones opinions are based on their own experiences and are their own. They are certainly not 'rubbish' because they do not match your own. That is being narrow minded!
2long Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 This rubbish that he doesnt respect you because you fooled around with a married man is obviously a narrow minded view of ppl who have never known this type of situation What's rubbish about it? Look, this isn't rocket surgery. It doesn't take a whole lot of functioning brain cells 2 realize that you can't very well respect someone you have 2 lie about in order 2 be with. get with the times affairs happen their on every chat site going,its part of life,some ppl choose to go there and some ppl dont but life is about risks and choices and as long as you can live with the choices you make then you dont have to answer to anyone but yourself. Wars happen, 2. Doesn't mean they're always right or just, and usually the last thing the perpetrators are thinking about are the consequences of the choices they make. Does Qadhafy (sp?) really care about the lives of his own citizens? You can hide a lot of cruelty behind "don't have 2 answer 2 anyone but yourself." I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do,either way it will be a tough road ahead x So do I. And I agree. -ol' 2long
spacehopper Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 well i am entitled to my opinion as is everyone else andwill totally agree to disagree with you,andit dosent take 2 braincells to work out that youve never been in this situation or you wouldnt be posting half that rubbish,anyway wont get into a debate,hope my post helped with theoriginal question x
Author Irishlove Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Stop hijacking my post and start your own. THANK YOU!
2long Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 well i am entitled to my opinion as is everyone else andwill totally agree to disagree with you, Yes, this is true. As am I. andit dosent take 2 braincells to work out that youve never been in this situation I've probably got "conditions" that are older than you!. Since finding out about my W's affair 9 years ago, I've had a lot of time 2 think back on how I handled crushes I've had on other women over our 35-yr marriage. And though I may not have done the right thing in all those cases, I never did cheat on my wife, though I knew for certain that I was in love at the times. That's chemistry. That's romantic love. But it would have been far more selfish of me 2 act on my feelings for these women and break my promise 2 my W, even though she did that very thing 2 me. A funny thing, though. My W knew about at least 2 of the crushes just from watching me around these women (mu2al friends or other acquaintances). I thought for sure I'd been successful in keeping my feelings 2 myself until they faded away, but she (and at least one of the women) knew! So, yes, in the strictest sense, I've not been in that particular si2ation. But not because I didn't have the oppor2nity. Rather, because I made a choice not 2 act on my feelings. or you wouldnt be posting half that rubbish,anyway wont get into a debate,hope my post helped with theoriginal question x I still take issue with the "rubbish" label. -ol' 2long
2long Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Stop hijacking my post and start your own. THANK YOU! Is this directed at me? You are on the infidelity forum. Many BSs here, though there are also WSs. If you want "support" for looking for love from a married man who should be directing his love 2 his family, you might try the OW/OM forum. I really do wish you the best. -ol' 2long
Bionic Me Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm new here, I don't know where to post sorry. Him and I were dating for a year and he hired an attorney and they were going back and forth to the attorney. Thier marriage was over from what I was told before I got involved with him. I was told he didn't live with her (her own words) they were not sleeping together (her words) I saw they were divorcing (public record). I don't want to hear what I WANT to hear. I just needed the truth. The bolded- REALLY? So is it public record if the divorce's ink ain't dry and sealed??? Please delight me. Where is the record of something that has not happened? Sorry, but you must think that we are a bunch of idiots. Who are you trying to fool? Isn't this the same guy that is now back with his "stinky w"?
carhill Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 If one had been so inclined, they could've watched our divorce online, from initial filing to final decree, over a period of 18 months or so. All one needed to do was search the dockets by name and then peruse the relevant actions on the docket. From types of filings/motions, one can often deduce the progress of the lawsuit and what direction it's taking. Information is a good thing I don't know whether the OP is referring to this 'record', but in Cali it's certainly possible to watch the entire divorce, at least the courthouse part. Also, a concluded lawsuit doesn't necessarily mean it's 'over'. That's just the legal part. The emotional part is much more nebulous.
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