cutiec123 Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 i have a question.. well actually i would rather just hear others opinions on this ... i do everything but intercourse when it comes to sex... and in many situations .. i have had to set out... no sex...part of me thinks its no big deal...but then another part of me almost thinks it says something about me and self respect for myself or something... i don't know .. anyway what do you think about people who don't have intercourse... and would you stay in a relationship with someone who would do anything but actually intercourse (of course i will one day ! but it has to be right for me....) but i feel ridulous b/c i don't think its omse big special moment or anything ... haha just want to hear some thoughts -- thanks
dyermaker Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I don't consider you a virgin, because I refuse, as I've said before, to let the spirit of chastity be lost in the linguistics of virginity. Additionally, I'd certainly stay in a relationship with someone holding out, but I'm abnormal.
Darkangelism Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 well if you are going by the no sex definition of virgin, then yes you are, i would stay in a relationship withthe person if i was in love.
magda Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I think that the actual act of intercourse is misleading. A person protecting their virginity is, in my opinion, a person protecting their purity. Those who follow silly "everything but" rituals are basically just trying to fool themselves. If you're still satisfying the person you're with through "everything but" then you're not very innocent to sex at all. I find the "everything but" virgin hypocritical and filled with self-denial. You can still contract many STDs through oral sex, you can still orgasm from oral sex, you are still sharing your body through these other types of sex so in my opinion it's ridiculous and just shows that the person following this regimen has very weird notions about virginity and sexuality. The whole act of sex becomes this whole contorted image of pain & submission and idealized into an experience that must be perfect. If you've waited so long and said no to so many people, you want the first time and first person to be "perfect" - it's only natural. But it's mostly unrealistic, as you've acknowledged. I know more than a handful of "everything but" virgins who finally "lost their virginity" and then broke the barrier and didn't really care anymore. You sound like one of them. But hey, less sex with people that you don't have a future with is probably better in the long run, especially at a young age. There is something to be said about avoiding pregancy, however. If you keep away from having actual sex you're pretty much garunteed of not having to worry about why your period is late. you've basically been toeing the line for so long, you might just decide to do it pretty randomly, with no forththought, so I think that since you're bringing this up for discussion, it means you're pretty much ready to say "fuggit" and have sex with the guy you're seeing. In this case, I suggest you get ready to make an appointment with an ob-gyn and look into a method of birth control. You don't seem to have any very strong values or ideals that are preventing you from having sexual intercourse, so it seems like it's only a matter of time.
moimeme Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 IMHO you lose 'virginity' when you share in someone's orgasm or they in yours, however that comes about.
yes Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 i think everybody has their own point of losing virginity... if you ask yourself and are honest, you'll know if you are. i think it's possible to have sex and stay a virgin because of zero mental involvement. it's also possible to not have intercourse and lose virginity, because smth very private and down-there-involving happened. my 2c, -yes
Fritz Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I would stay with someone I love even if they weren't "puttin out". The term for everything but intercourse is "technical virigin". I agree with Magda and Dyer on that myself. It seems very hypocritical to me but then society has traditionally placed a value on a woman's virginity. Of course, if we're going by the Bill Clinton definition of sex... (or is) then no, oral sex isn't sex.
magda Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 if we're going by the Bill Clinton definition of sex... (or is) then no, oral sex isn't sex. I'm surprised that the term hasn't evolved to "oral not-sex," honestly.
dyermaker Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Well, it IS sex, it's just that IS could mean "is not".
average guy Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Magda, You said soemthing that made me think: "A person protecting their virginity is, in my opinion, a person protecting their purity." I was a virgin until 19, not because of not having any opprtunity, at least a dozen women offered theirselves to me, and when I did lose it, it was nowhere near as special as any of the times I'd been offered could have been. What you are saying about preserving your "purity" could also be prserving your "alone-ness" from the world. I know this sounds wierd, but I truy think I never gave in because having sex would have connected me to a world I didn't want to live in. I would have become just like everyone else, literally as Steely Dan put it "joined the human race", and Iremeber specifically that I didn't want to be like my dad who cheated on my mom almost everynight, or like my mom who was w withdrawn, emotionally shellshocked abused woman, or like the guys I had to work with at a construction site who bragged about how many holes they could fill in a woman. I did want to preserve my purity, but not so much my sexual purity, but my isolated self-preserving mental and emotional purity by not "connecting" with anyone in this world. Now, at a wise old age I can look back and see how nuerotc I was, and that anyone of those chances that I neglected to experience could have taken me into a new world of love, trust and friendship and hanged my path in life to a good one instead of spiriling into self-hatred, anger isolation, depression, and several attempted suicides because I felt so "unconnected" with the world. I feel like people had opened doors for me to enter into a bright new world, and I couldn't from fear of taking any action (or maybe it was from being sexually abused by the neighbor). I wish one of those girls had just literally grabbed me by my prick and just taken me into their loving selves Sorry if I went on, you just triggered seomthing inside me with that word Thanks A.G.
magda Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 What you are saying about preserving your "purity" could also be prserving your "alone-ness" from the world. I know this sounds wierd, but I truy think I never gave in because having sex would have connected me to a world I didn't want to live in.You make a good point, average guy. It could definately also be anti-social in nature. A person can avoid having sex (as an non-virgin adult) for the exact same reasons a virgin can avoid having sex. I suppose it goes hand in hand with, say, obesity, depression, or any number of pathologies, that have "benefits" like keeping people away, avoiding situations, even attention, special treatment.. Thanks for pointing that out; I definately did over-simplify. A person's sexuality or lack thereof is very complicated and personal.
Hypatia Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 I guess at this point I'd be an "everything but," because me and that guy I wasn't sure I was going to sleep with in my other thread (I don't think I will, if anyone knows what I'm talking about) have gotten each other off in ways not including actual intercourse. I made a conscious decision a while ago that I didn't want to use the word "virgin" because the only thing I'm protecting is my self-respect. I don't consider myself pure, or ever had any desire to wait until marriage. The only thing I'm waiting for now (which doesn't fit this guy) is someone who cares for me (as at least a friend) and respects why I've waited so long. This guy just doesn't understand how I haven't had sex yet and why I'm so picky when it's "normal" to be a young adult having sex (I'm 24). I mean, do I wish I was getting laid right now? Of course! But if I've waited this long, I'm not going to settle on someone who doesn't seem to like me very much. (He was a lot nicer and sweeter to me before we started hooking up.)
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