loveslack Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'll try to make this short because I know some relationship advice posts are short stories.. Im 24, in good shape and with a girlfriend who is 23. We've been together almost 4 years, we have broken up twice, the last time was two years ago for a month and the last time being a week ago. The main concern on my end is the lack of sex in our relationship. Going from 3-4 times a day at the start and it being amazing, lots of passion, to once every two weeks after the six month mark had passed. I could still go for 3-4 times a day. The sex died down more through the years as she has put on a substantial amount of weight. Being a gym rat, I attempted to help her with this and she has not stuck to any sort of strategy for more than a week. She also has for one reason or another lost a majority of her friends, to the point where she has a small group of friends, put herself in debt (including myself) and stays at home a lot, smoking weed and watching tv. I held on hoping that things would get better and began using marijuana multiple times a day (influenced by her) for the past three years as the only way overcome frustrated with her as I was not getting the amount of sex I needed and being high was my only escape from frustration. She selfishly admitted even when she was still in better shape that she 'didn't need sex as much as me' and was fine with having it as a 'treat' - not paying attention to my needs or desires. I carried guilt for her problems and tried to fix her (aka co dependency) figuring that once her problems were fixed, that sex would resume. I realized after years of this behavior that the situation has only got worse, and now I am focusing on bettering myself which includes no longer smoking marijuana, more time with friends and in the gym, and I am not 'hanging off of her' so to speak as she used to say i was 'clingy', nor am I going to ask her for sex ever again as the rejection ruined my self esteem. So far so good, but now she is complaining that I'm 'too distant'. We had our 100th talk on the subject where she told me that she is physically attracted to me, but not 'mentally attracted' to me. A week or so after this we broke up again for another week. I figured it was over, but she wore me down. She took it all back and said that she let her insecurity speak for her and not her true feelings - but this seems like her trying to back peddle out. She also told me that she never feels like she wants to have sex, even if it 'was with the hottest guy ever' - which i can attest to as even on the rare occasion that do have sex we need to use lube when it was never a problem. Our talk before getting back together she told me that she will lose the weight, that things will change, she has neglected me and that she is so sorry and wants another chance or she will never be able to forgive herself. I gave her until the end of summer and then we would 'see where we are' but every day feels like torture. Now that I am no longer smoking marijuana as an escape, I grow increasingly distant from her and fill the void with frustration and resentment as we have only had sex once this year (valentines day) and it was awful. I am aware that this relationship is doomed, it has been for awhile, and I am 95% convinced it will result in ending if we make it to the end of summer but I am committed to hold out as long as I can to see if there is a chance that it gets better as I do love her and we have been together for almost 4 years now. Any advice to tone down the frustration and resentment?
Author loveslack Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 or should I let this frustration and resentment run free as its healthy to let my feelings out finally and I personally feel the only way she will ever let go of this relationship is if she hates me, sadly?
utterer of lies Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 or should I let this frustration and resentment run free as its healthy to let my feelings out finally and I personally feel the only way she will ever let go of this relationship is if she hates me, sadly? Why would you possibly stay? Free her and yourself. Both of your lives will improve substantially.
phineas Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You are 24. You will most likely not marry this woman. Find someone else.
GivenUp0083 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 In all honestly is sounds like you're trying to change this girl. This girl just doesn't have the qualities or personality of the girl you are looking for. It's hard to break up with someone you've been with for a long time, but you need to ask yourself if you are happy like this. People don't change unless they want to, and just from your words it doesn't sound like she wants to do anything different. It's not that she's a bitch and doesn't care about your needs, she just doesn't share the same needs and you may not be a good fit for each other.
mitchell Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Is she depressed? Sounds like she has depression. Get her to ask her physician. If not, dump this girl. She's a pothead who would rather sit at home smoking weed than exercising and taking care of herself and her boyfriend. You can do better.
Ross PK Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Sorry, I should've said. Trade her for porn and video games. See how she likes that.
Saphira Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Im pretty sure by the sound of your post that the relationship is over. what are you still holding on to? You dont even sound like you want her anymore. this whole thing sounded like one miserable day after the other except the first 6 months. If you have been together for 4 years and only 6 months of them were good. Then it is time to move on.
Kelemort Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Is she depressed? Sounds like she has depression. Get her to ask her physician. If not, dump this girl. She's a pothead who would rather sit at home smoking weed than exercising and taking care of herself and her boyfriend. You can do better. I agree. I think many of the others here are being too swift in saying "GET RID OF HER." I understand this problem has been enduring for a long time, but I don't think any serious steps have been made to change it. You say that you try to encourage her to go to the gym. Are you trying too hard (i.e., are you asking her every single day, or making comments about what she's eating - whether it's what she should be eating or what she shouldn't be eating)? If you're so focused on her losing weight, her resistance to doing anything long-term about it could be a quiet sort of rebellion against you. You don't strike me as sounding like you find her particularly unappealing since she's gained weight, but maybe a little clueless as to how to approach the issue. For me personally, it beyond enrages me when I'm dating someone who makes comments about what I should eat/what I am eating or who tries to push me to go to the gym. I don't need outside motivation from other people. Part of it's also that I just don't want someone telling me what to do if they themselves haven't lost weight before (I've lost 70 lbs. in the past) - I know what to do, and I don't need someone pressuring me to do it, thnx. Maybe your girlfriend is similar. I understand that people have their hearts in the right place, but if you've never actually had to lose weight, it just comes off as jerky. You need to sit down with her and explain your concerns. Is she working? From what you write, I assume she's unemployed or mostly unemployed. You might say something like, "When we first started dating four years ago, you were doing x, x, and x. Now, it seems like you spend most of your time smoking marijuana and laying around. I'm worried about you." See what she says. Maybe she'll express that she's depressed. And as her boyfriend, it's up to you to decide how you can help her with that. Arrange to see a therapist with her. Create a list of small goals she can accomplish each day. Maybe you'd like her to spend an hour each day applying for work, or maybe you'd like her to fill out 5 or 10 applications each week. Maybe you'll set guidelines for her to gradually reduce the marijuana. Maybe each day, you'll take a one-mile hike together. Does she go to school? If not, maybe you'll discuss career goals with her. Attend college seminars with her or speak to a college counselor with her. Arrange for her to job-shadow someone in her desired field. Set up get-togethers with your friends so you can see all of them together. Host a barbecue and encourage your friends to bring some of their friends, so maybe both of you can widen your social circles (and your girlfriend can meet new friends). As humans, we're made to be social and working. When we're passive all of the time, we start to get depressed, we start to ruminate and we start a self-defeating cycle of doing nothing and feeling more miserable. You are going to have to work and work hard to pull your girlfriend out of this funk. I don't mean to say that you are entirely responsible for pulling your girlfriend out of the dumps - eventually she will have to sustain this herself, but right now it's quite obvious that she needs help. You shouldn't stay with her "just because you've been together for four years," but because you find value in those years and you believe that you can have it again. As soon as something is broken, you don't just hurl it into the trash, and people are the same way. They are not disposable playthings. When you express frustration and aggression toward your girlfriend, you are showing her that you disapprove of her and that she is unacceptable to you - potentially feeding into this depression even MORE. I assume she was in good shape when you first started dating, but then she started gaining weight. Again, that sounds like depression to me. You may yet be going without much of a sex life for a while further if she gets treatment for depression, especially if she's put onto anti-depressants...it can take a while to work out which ones are right and the correct dosage. And only you can decide if she is worth that wait. Right now, however, I see some very obvious signs of depression that you are missing while you're hyper-focused on the sex. Focus on solving the depression and I think that the sex will improve along with that. But when you approach her, don't do it to gripe about the sex. Approach her as though you care about her and the overall problem - not just when she's next going to wet your pecker. And set a reasonable, healthy deadline for all of this. If after 3 to 6 months she is making no steps in the least to improve, it's probably time to move on.
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Why are you hanging on to such a dismal relationship? As someone who has a pretty liberal view on marijuana, I can tell you that it is certainly NOT helping her two biggest issues: weight gain and lack of sex drive. In fact it is most likely making these things worse. Marijuana makes you content to just do nothing; which can be good for someone who has anxiety or trouble relaxing & sleeping. But for someone who needs to be more active, it is a serious problem. Sex once in an entire year is downright depressing for a couple of any age, let alone two twenty-somethings. You can find someone more compatible.
Dlyrica Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Why are you hanging on to such a dismal relationship? As someone who has a pretty liberal view on marijuana, I can tell you that it is certainly NOT helping her two biggest issues: weight gain and lack of sex drive. In fact it is most likely making these things worse. Marijuana makes you content to just do nothing; which can be good for someone who has anxiety or trouble relaxing & sleeping. But for someone who needs to be more active, it is a serious problem. Sex once in an entire year is downright depressing for a couple of any age, let alone two twenty-somethings. You can find someone more compatible. Agree completely! You are way too young to be having sex once a year, thats completely depressing and not normal. I would do the suggestions listed above to help her come around OR just straight up end the relationship. What are you staying around for? Because you've been in a relationship for 4 years? That is NOT enough of a reason at all, especially since you seem to not enjoy the relationship one bit!
Akumark Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 A long time ago, something strangely similar to this happened to me. We discovered that the weed was responsible for the drop of her libido. When we both stoped using we began to have a sex life again. In the end we finaly broke off after almost 11 years in the relationship but stayed good friends.
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