betterdeal Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Understandable as it is, given the plethora of advice that talks about red flags, controlling behaviour and other such fear-based terminology, these things can be impediments to your happiness. As you get more self-confident, you'll want to move on from this way of thinking to something more fluid, more dynamic. Relationships are dynamic: they're what we make of them. It's what we feel that matters. If, for instance, you quite like the overall effect of being wined and dined, fine. If you want to arrange something yourself, do so. If you feel you really want more input in the decision making, say so. Many people in couples have their own pet "domains". For some, it's a car, and that's one or other's domain. They polish it, tune it, don't let anyone else drive it. Is that controlling? I suppose so, but does it matter? That's up to you. If you don't mind your partner coveting his Dodge Ram at the weekend then no, it doesn't. If he doesn't mind your devotion to model ship-building, all's good. And even if it annoys you that he spends one day a month playing paintball with his weirdo geeky mates, does it cross any of your lines? If not, and the overall picture is that this person brings positive into your life, all is good. But if he spends 8 hours a night on the Internet and you feel like an inconvenience most of the time, then that's when you make changes, and simply expressing your frustration and explaining what you'd like to happen is one of the best routes to try out first of. It's very much a process of having a fair hearing - you explain the complaint you have and what remedy you are seeking. The other party then has a chance to present their case (thoughts, feelings, suggestions). If they choose to not take part in this, let them know what you're going to do, and do it if they accept that as a consequence of their decision. Bearing this in mind, it's easiest to achieve this when we are happy in ourselves, and with our own company. We're then not hostage to our feelings of dependency on any one person. And so learning to express ourself individually is important. Being able to spend a weekend on our own and feel happy with how we spend that time makes us independent, and this sense of independence means we can participate in things with others out of our free choice instead of because we need their company. Of course, as we grow and develop more independence, become more individual, we may choose to refer to safe other people, such as therapists or support groups (like LS) who aren't part of our immediate life and explore how we are with them. Personally, I think you've progressed a lot in a short period - you're doing extremely well - instead of jumping to conclusions you're spotting this kind of thinking in yourself and asking us lot what we think about it. You sound a lot more self-confident, a lot less stressed. Keep on keeping on...
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 betterdeal, Out of curiosity did you know me under any other user names? OceanGirl etc?
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