Shocked at how common infidelity is!

[neurotetris]

I'm a single male in my mid 20's and I'm really surprised to discover how common infidelity is. Being an extreme introvert with few prior relationships and friends might be the reason I was so naive to the reality of how common it is.

 

Strangely, I've grown this mildly twisted curiosity and fascination about the topic of infidelity.

 

Reasons include:

 

• About two years ago, I became extremely infatuated with a girl in one of my classes. The eye contact and chemistry between us was SO intense! Being the introvert that I am, I could not build the courage to ask her out. Nevertheless with all the fantasizing -- I felt I was in a real relationship with her (introverts may attest to this). As a way of supporting my rationalization: "oh she would have cheated on me anyway" as means of pulling myself out of misery, I began searching online for stories of women committing infidelity.
  
• In the past 1-2 years, increasingly I've been getting hit on by married women. I'm still very introverted but my confidence has gone up (guessing it's the reason).
  
• And lastly, I have a close friend who's a car salesman, and for some reason or the other the topic of infidelity came up when he shared several stories of him having sex with married female clients while on test drives (I was oddly fascinated by the stories).
  

 

 

Oh boy! I went through all five stages of grief at the painful realization that infidelity is extremely common.

 

The following are my past age ranges and corresponding percentage of women I thought cheated on their husbands or LTR's:

 

12-15 = 2%

16-18 = 5%

18-20 = 7%

20-22 = 15%

22 to Present (after hours lurking LS and similar discussion forums, in addition to the above) = 90%

 

 

Reason I started this thread is in hopes of advice.

 

In light of all this, I've begun to drastically restructure my future goals, specifically in the domain of relationships. (a) I no longer want to get married, period. At least not until I'm well into my late 40's or 50's. And (b) I'm putting FAR more emphasis on my career goals and long time personal goal of living abroad years at a time during my late 20's and 30's.

 

Of course, everyone is different, but curious to know if anyone else took a similar path of avoiding marriage and serious relationships and instead enjoyed the occasional short-term affairs (with other singles) -- do you have any regrets?

 

Is long term love and marriage only a social construct that seems to be quickly deteriorating?

 

A sociology professor I had lectured on the topic of marriage and described it as a social construction from 15th-16th century for the purpose of survival as two untied people stood greater chance of surviving once the era of settling/farming became more common.

 

 

Not to complicate the thread any further, but to add a few possible revelent dimensions to all of this -- (a) I typically score as "INFP" on the Myer-Briggs (meaning I'm a 'dreamer') and admittedly have a cluster of traits that pull me away from reality at times... (b) I have a slight anxious–preoccupied attachment tendency though it's not too extreme, and © I live for variety! diligence is one of my weaker traits.

 

 

So to get a little assurance... marriage is not for everyone eh?

 

Anyone else go through similar experience of discovering how far more common infidelity is opposed to previously thought? Did it result in any changes to your life?

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like a research posting? Is it?

[neurotetris]

Sounds like a research posting? Is it?

 

I wish! --I would love to formally research this topic for a masters/phd -- but not the case here.

[Dust]

LS isn’t the real world. Most of the users on here also claim they have never cheated and never would. I myself have never cheated and never would. I’ve also never been cheated on as far as I know. Looking at girl you like and never trying because you say to yourself she would have just cheated on me anyways is very counterproductive. Having a few married woman hit on you and using that to prove all married women cheat is no different then claiming something like all minorities are violent criminals. You really have no proof, just percentages you made up.

[neurotetris]

LS isn’t the real world. Most of the users on here also claim they have never cheated and never would. I myself have never cheated and never would. I’ve also never been cheated on as far as I know. Looking at girl you like and never trying because you say to yourself she would have just cheated on me anyways is very counterproductive. Having a few married woman hit on you and using that to prove all married women cheat is no different then claiming something like all minorities are violent criminals. You really have no proof, just percentages you made up.

 

 

Thanks for your reply - you make a great point that everything lies on a spectrum. My made up 90% is a bit extreme... wish there was a way of knowing the real percentage.

[threebyfate]

Yup, don't rely on any infidelity figures on LS since 98% of the individuals who post on the Infidelity/OW subforums have been one piece of the affair triangle.

 

It's like going onto a cycling site and saying, WOW, 99% people in the world are dedicated cycling hobbyists.

 

Confirmation bias.

[StoneCold]

In light of all this, I've begun to drastically restructure my future goals, specifically in the domain of relationships. (a) I no longer want to get married, period. At least not until I'm well into my late 40's or 50's. And (b) I'm putting FAR more emphasis on my career goals and long time personal goal of living abroad years at a time during my late 20's and 30's.

 

Smart.... because

 

 

Is long term love and marriage only a social construct that seems to be quickly deteriorating?

 

A sociology professor I had lectured on the topic of marriage and described it as a social construction from 15th-16th century for the purpose of survival as two untied people stood greater chance of surviving once the era of settling/farming became more common.

 

This I beleive to be true...except for the origin. I beleive the concept of marriage is the brainchild of the church used to control people (this was way back when the church actually had power and would do anything to retain it)... Nevertheless it is certainly a concept that "worked" in the past but increasingly not anymore as people get smarter and/or wake up from the brainwash.

 

Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way....Fortunately it didnt take too long for me to "wake up"

[Dust]

Thanks for your reply - you make a great point that everything lies on a spectrum. My made up 90% is a bit extreme... wish there was a way of knowing the real percentage.

 

Why are you so afraid of some one cheating on you? It doesn’t make you some kind of loser if you get cheated on. It says something about the cheater not the cheated.

[StoneCold]

Further...LS may be make beleive land but the facts are there is a 50% divorce rate in the US...40% in Canada. The number 1 reason for divorce is finances....guess what pulls up a close second? Sex....and mind you thats only counting the couples that are actually getting divorced.

[neurotetris]

Yup, don't rely on any infidelity figures on LS since 98% of the individuals who post on the Infidelity/OW subforums have been one piece of the affair triangle.

 

It's like going onto a cycling site and saying, WOW, 99% people in the world are dedicated cycling hobbyists.

 

Confirmation bias.

 

 

I agree with you 100%... I've searched for stats and have seen everything from less than 10% to more than 80%. This site: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html claims 30%-60% and appears to be backed by journal studies.

[neurotetris]

Why are you so afraid of some one cheating on you? It doesn’t make you some kind of loser if you get cheated on. It says something about the cheater not the cheated.

 

Great point. I do have some insecurity issues... and I have been cheated on, though the relationship was only 2 months long.

[carrie999]

Statistics (scientific or not) aside, I can see the OP's POV in terms of someone who never thought about infidelity because it never affected him, so finding out just how common it is can be jarring. Yes, visiting LS and these boards in particular certainly can cause one to think infidelity is possibly even more rampant than we believe, but that's not what surprised me. I expected it here, but I never really KNEW anyone in my personal life who had been cheated on or who had cheated.

 

When I was growing up, I never knew of or heard of anyone's parents splitting up because of adultery. My parents were some of the first in my small town to divorce, and it had nothing to do with infidelity; my dad was an alcoholic who destroyed us financially and refused to get help for his drinking or other issues. In that time in a very traditional Christian/Catholic town, my mother was looked down upon at the time for giving up on the marriage. She held her ground, and by the time my much younger brother was in high school, many of the same parents who shunned her came to her to apologize and/or ask for her advice. Years and years later, long after I grew up and moved away, she told me (in confidence) all the stories she learned. So many of the parents were dealing with infidelity (sometimes her, sometimes him, sometimes both) and just let it happen because society expected them to stay together. I was shocked by how many "happy" marriages were only an illusion.

 

At the time, I was working in a hospital and had been there long enough to be privy to the gossip. I was again often surprised and sometimes very disappointed to learn about affairs that had been common knowledge for years, when I thought those coworkers were happily married as well. Others, of course, did not surprise me.

 

I'm working in a small office now with only ten people. The office manager is engaged, but I found out through my coworkers that he had an affair with someone else in our building and broke up with his fiance. One of our new office staff members confided in me that the reason she left her old job and started here was that she found out her live-in boyfriend got someone pregnant last fall and she needed a fresh start, including a new apartment and job. Last week, another coworker came in and told all of us that over the weekend, she caught her long-term boyfriend cheating with one of her oldest childhood friends.

 

Sorry for the long response. My point in responding to this thread is that infidelity is not something you necessarily notice until it affects you somehow, and when you start looking for it, it seems to be everywhere. As the child of an alcoholic parent, I have always been keenly aware of signs (and stories) of alcoholism and substance abuse, to the point where I'm rarely surprised to learn when it becomes enough of a problem for others to address, and am far less naive about it than others. Same goes for these boards...some posting here are new to this and completely shocked by infidelity, whereas others are savvy and have learned how common it is...and the warning signs.

[Spark1111]

Well, I think people get married because they think they should, or they fall in love and believe they will live happily ever after.

 

Parenting is a lot like that too! Unfortunately, many people do not educate themselves as to what it takes to parent well, or to do long term relationships well.

 

They think they know it all, or for them, it will be different.

 

Few EDUCATE themselves to what it truly takes to be happily married for life or what is needed to raise successful children. It is the self-focus bias that prevents education, as in, I turned out okay, so my parenting will ensure my kids do too! Or my parents were reasonably happy, so we will be too. Not true.

 

Most affairs happen in phase two, the disillusionment phase it is called. If you have the proper coping skills, you could be okay. If you do not, learn them.

[StoneCold]

If you have the proper coping skills, you could be okay. If you do not, learn them.

 

what exactly do you mean by "coping"?

[StoneCold]

but I never really KNEW anyone in my personal life who had been cheated on or who had cheated.

 

You quite likely did and just didn't know it. Its not the type of thing people go around advertising about their lives

 

When I was growing up, I never knew of or heard of anyone's parents splitting up because of adultery. My parents were some of the first in my small town to divorce, and it had nothing to do with infidelity; my dad was an alcoholic who destroyed us financially and refused to get help for his drinking or other issues. In that time in a very traditional Christian/Catholic town, my mother was looked down upon at the time for giving up on the marriage. She held her ground, and by the time my much younger brother was in high school, many of the same parents who shunned her came to her to apologize and/or ask for her advice. Years and years later, long after I grew up and moved away, she told me (in confidence) all the stories she learned. So many of the parents were dealing with infidelity (sometimes her, sometimes him, sometimes both) and just let it happen because society expected them to stay together. I was shocked by how many "happy" marriages were only an illusion.

 

Which I guess means that things are very seldom as they appear...even in marriage.

 

My point in responding to this thread is that infidelity is not something you necessarily notice until it affects you somehow, and when you start looking for it, it seems to be everywhere.

 

Interesting... but I would change that to "infidelity is not something you notice until you acknowledge it as a reality"

[denise_xo]

I live in a European country, and heard a psychologist on TV here estimate that roughly 60% of marriages would at some point be affected by infidelity. He didn't say what that number was based on, though.