whatdoido1717 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I am 26 years old and my significant other is 26 as well. We began a long distance relationship, about an hour and a half drive, over 7 months ago. I would come up on the weekends, and she would come down during the week when she had time. We quickly fell for each other. When we first met she had just broken off an engagement with her ex-fiance of 2 years. I knew when I met her she was in a bad spot with depression. She has had almost every imaginable thing happen to her growing up as well as current family issues with her sister and mother. Well, our relationship had been great up until a couple weeks ago. I had a few insecurities, mostly because I didn't get to see her very much and these eventually resulted in a big fight between the two of us where I said some very regrettable things. One thing that hurt her very bad because it cut to the core of who she really is. I saw her this past weekend and we hung out all weekend although things were far from being smoothed over. She told me that "I had all of her" and, while in tears, told me that I was the most amazing person that had ever come in to her life. That I cared about her more than anybody ever had but still felt like I betrayed her by talking to her friend (when I was emotional after our fight and afraid of losing her) and really hurt by what I said. This weekend, we were having an intimate moment in bed and her sister exploded and told me to get the F out (she thinks I am a bad influence on her sister, which is mind boggling to me since I have been trying to help her quit drinking), and my SO rushed out of the room and screamed at her not to talk to me like that and they ended up getting in a huge altercation and my SO getting kicked out of the house after this weekend. This, needless to say, crushed her, as the sister she was fighting with was pretty much the last person she had a close relationship with other than me. When I left Sunday, I asked her "if I still have her" and she didn't take it very well, because I think she wanted more time to think about everything that had happened. (I didn't really contact her at all last week and thought that was what I was giving her, but I guess it was not enough). Well, she said, I just got in a huge fight with my sister over you, you obviously have me! A few minutes later I said my goodbyes and headed back to my apartment. On the way, I talked to my best friend and he told me she was going to a baseball game next Friday (which she hadn't mentioned to me, which is a little weird) so I called her up casually and asked if she was going. She said she was not going but that she had been invited by her ex-fiance (who she maintained casual contact with) but she wasn't going. I simply said that I was happy she wasn't going because it seemed a little awkward since it would've been the one year anniversary of when he proposed. Well, she got upset at that point, and was like I cannot do this anymore. I can't deal with the drama. She told me, which I already knew I guess, that she was at the end. That she couldn't take anything anymore. She said she was extremely depressed and now was about to be homeless and didn't have anywhere to go. She said she couldn't do this anymore because she was almost to the point of complete collapse and needed space to figure herself out and that we had to break up because she couldn't deal with the drama when she was already in such a low spot. I have been reading more about depression and I can empathize with where she is and I want nothing more than to give her her space and I will. At the same time, I am so sad to lose her. She told me I was like no man or person in her life before, and although I said one mean, in the heat of the moment, thing, it is like that has undone all I have done for her and how I have been there. I am deathly afraid I have lost her for good or that she is going to turn to her ex for a shoulder to cry on. I want to respect her space but I also want her to know that I can empathize and I want her to get better. I want to tell her that I am not going anywhere if she needs anything. Is there anything I can do here? I know most will say give her her space and if she realizes what you have then she will come back but I don't want to giver her space to the point that I am no longer in her life. I care about her more than anything on the planet and want her to be healthy and if that means leaving her alone I guess I have to but I don't want her to throw away "the best person thats come into her life" because of a couple bad weekends and because she is sick. She has to do this on her own but she doesn't deserve to lose those who do care about her well being. I feel sick. Please help. Additional Details is writing a letter still too much? is one phone call telling her, without being emotional, that I am here for her still but will respect her space too much? Is there anything I can do other than silence?
butterfly2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 If you love her you need to do what you can to be there for her in her time of need. Can you take her in if she really doesnt have a place to go? The best thing you can do is let her know that you will do anything for her to make sure she feels great. Dont bring up any problems, just try to make her smile. Depression is something that is very difficult to deal with. Why does the sister say you are a bad influence on her though? That is something you need to figure out or face it if you already know why.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Butterfly, thank you for the response. I offered to let her stay with me but her job is in her town and I live a ways away. In reality, this might be part of the problem, I cannot be there with her more during this. It really sucks because I might have the opportunity to transfer up there and continue my same job but now I don't know. I am going to be honest on here, because I have no reason not to, her sister thinks I am a bad influence because she thinks I am an enabler, in terms of drinking and drug use. However, when she told me she wanted to stop drinking I was the one, the only one (which almost made her cry that I offered) that offered to stop drinking with her if it would make things easier. My gf used to be addicted to pain killers and I think her sister is worried that we are just out getting wasted and high all the time when in reality I care about this girl more than anything in the world and just as much as her sister does. I want to tell her I will be there and everything but I don't want to push her away by continuously being in her space. Is there anyway to say this without creating animosity or making her feel suffocated/smothered. She knows I care and love her but I desperately want her to know that I want to help her and not go anywhere, even if that means sit in silence and wait. I want her to know that I am the man she thought I was, the person in her life that will not abandon her like everyone else even though she is pushing me away (I said something similar to that and she said, "I am not giving you a choice."). I cannot believe that she really wants me gone forever, I know the past couple weekends have been hard and she is incredibly sick, but she still loves me, she told me, and I want to prove to her that I wont give up without pushing her away forever (if that hasn't happened already)
VJohnson32 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Well, first of all you dont engage or pursue a relationship with someone who just ended one. Doesnt matter who ended it, its clearly obvious she rebounded with you. You said she keeps in touch with her ex on regular basis? She cares for you and may even love you but she might not be IN love with you and still be in love with her ex. You seem like a decent guy and dont beat yourself up and look for other reasons as to why shes acting like this. Give her space, dont contact her at all. She knows you are there for her if you always have been. She will come back or contact you if she wants to be with you... and dont blame it on depression, they all seem depressed at first but once you realized its all an act it will totally screw you up.
jenko Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 HI think you need to wait a week and talk to her. Every women including me need security. Maybe you can ask her if there's any way around this and what you can do. Maybe even going to the extent by talking to her sister and explaining to her that you're a good genuine person. Try to fix the situation... if you talk to her after a week And she still doesn't wan you around then you should move on.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 I wrote this to her, bad idea to send: Her, It is my hope that you do not find this short letter to be disrespectful of the time and space you requested from me. I decided this would be the best way to tell you this without creating anymore drama or putting you in a situation where you felt like I wanted answers. This letter is not really about me. It is about you and the journey you have ahead of you. I want you to know I support you 100% and will respect what you have to go through by giving you your space and the all the time necessary to take care of yourself. I will still be here for you if you need anything, regardless of what happens. I mean that the same now, when we've reached this point, as I did when I told you it before at the point in our relationship when things were amazing. I know you hate it when I apologize, so this part will be brief. The biggest regret I have and the biggest mistake I have made in my life thus far is the way I handled the other weekend and in particular, telling you that you don't know how f***ed up you really are. I don't ever expect you to forget that and I can never take it back. I am deeply sorry for cutting you like that. I hope you know that although I know you are in a bad spot, I don't actually think you are ****ed up. I think you are an amazing woman that is in a horrifically difficult situation, which she did not bring upon herself and one that she does not deserve. In the entire time I was with you, even as the words came out of my mouth, I have never thought you were ****** up at all. I think the hand of cards that you have been dealt recently is what's really ****** up and I took it out on you because I was caught up in the heat of the moment. I have been trying to educate myself on depression by reading articles and doing some research online and I don't begin to think I have the slightest idea what you are going through, but I can respect that you need to figure this out on your own. I don't have any answers and if all I have brought to the table is drama then I do not blame you for not wanting me with you on this journey. I know my love for you really has nothing to do with the situation. But know that I am the man who you looked at, as you told me, "as the best person to walk in to your life." My compassion for you and your well being is very strong and if I can only show you that by walking away, I will. I am standing tall and will continue to be the most kick *** employee at work, the "jock" that will love his Blazers and Huskies, and the caring and loving person I am. And I will always be the man that promised he'd stop drinking with you, if it helped you heal. I will always be the man that cares so much about you he'd write you a letter everyday you were in jail. I will always be the man that will pull you out of the bar if you have been drinking too much (and on any other night, I would have told Mac to **** off and taken you home, but I was only trying to respect your boundaries, considering where we were at, at that point). I will always be the man that will go completely sober with you if it helps you. I don't ever want to be a contributor to your unhappiness. I am sorry I let my insecurities get a hold of me to the extent they did and let them cause as much drama and frustration as they did. I know you loved me and I am sorry I betrayed your trust. Those insecurities seem so minute and pathetic know because I never once doubted us. Never once doubted that we were as good of a team as we said we were or that we weren't oddly perfect for one another. I hope you look back at me as the man who only wanted to bring you happiness and not as another ******* male that hurt you along the way. I would give you a world of happiness if I could, for now I will give you your space. Love, Me
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