Masoshi Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It's been a while since I posted here. I really feel like my heart is in tatters. Today I told MM I couldn't be in contact with him anymore. It's tearing me apart. The fact that I was still hanging on, even though he wouldn't make a decision. I felt like a fool. I let him live with the status quo, where I tried to always act happy I got little shreds of his time, when my heart was breaking inside that he still couldn't "make a decision" and "needed more time". Ugh, just writing it down makes me feel like such a stupid idiot. For two years since I left my xH I've been waiting for him to do the same and leave his W, but he hasn't, he didn't. And it's all come up to hit me right in the face as I turn 30 at the end of this month, and I'm all alone. I feel lonesome, pathetic, broken-hearted, betrayed. I'm angry, sad, empty, lost. I'm absolutely sick with grief right now, I just can't stop crying. We were together five years, I've never loved anyone like I love this man, and he just doesn't want me enough. I just snapped today -- we'd spent more time together last week than we normally get, and I found myself feeling completely empty today with realizing that we had no plans for the future, my approaching milestone birthday, he's off to run the Boston marathon in a couple of weeks and I can't share with him in that... and all I have are the memories of several hours we got to spend together. I cried while I told him, but I said I can't keep doing this anymore. He can't keep dragging me along while he makes a decision ... or not. I said no more contact - don't talk to me until you've made a decision about your life. And I'll move on with mine (ha - like I can, right now all I want to do is go to my room and lie in my bed and never leave). I told him if I don't hear from him in a few months I'll just assume he's chosen to stay married for good. I think I know in my heart this is the end. He asked if he could talk to me before his marathon, I said no. I feel like I've never said no to him in my life. I know, I'm rambling mostly, but I don't know where to go or who to turn to. No one else has ever known about our affair, none of my family or friends, and I have no one to talk to. I feel so isolated, and just downright sick to my stomach. I want this to be a bad dream but it's not. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stop crying. This hurts an infinte amount worse than my divorce ever did. Thanks for listening.
Jessica232 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 What was his response when you told him NC? I hope you're ok, ((hugs)).
AlaFlower Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Oh how I feel your pain... I went NC with MM almost two weeks ago. When we had an A he told me he was on a path of getting a divorce. I got separated, while he never did... Well, he sorta did for a short period of time but then came back to his W but kept saying he was going to separate and get divorced... Hang in there. It hurts worse than any other pain... Try to stay busy, it might help a little.... *hugs*
carrie999 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 It's been a while since I posted here. I really feel like my heart is in tatters. Today I told MM I couldn't be in contact with him anymore. It's tearing me apart. The fact that I was still hanging on, even though he wouldn't make a decision. I felt like a fool. I let him live with the status quo, where I tried to always act happy I got little shreds of his time, when my heart was breaking inside that he still couldn't "make a decision" and "needed more time". Ugh, just writing it down makes me feel like such a stupid idiot. For two years since I left my xH I've been waiting for him to do the same and leave his W, but he hasn't, he didn't. And it's all come up to hit me right in the face as I turn 30 at the end of this month, and I'm all alone. I feel lonesome, pathetic, broken-hearted, betrayed. I'm angry, sad, empty, lost. I'm absolutely sick with grief right now, I just can't stop crying. We were together five years, I've never loved anyone like I love this man, and he just doesn't want me enough. I just snapped today -- we'd spent more time together last week than we normally get, and I found myself feeling completely empty today with realizing that we had no plans for the future, my approaching milestone birthday, he's off to run the Boston marathon in a couple of weeks and I can't share with him in that... and all I have are the memories of several hours we got to spend together. I cried while I told him, but I said I can't keep doing this anymore. He can't keep dragging me along while he makes a decision ... or not. I said no more contact - don't talk to me until you've made a decision about your life. And I'll move on with mine (ha - like I can, right now all I want to do is go to my room and lie in my bed and never leave). I told him if I don't hear from him in a few months I'll just assume he's chosen to stay married for good. I think I know in my heart this is the end. He asked if he could talk to me before his marathon, I said no. I feel like I've never said no to him in my life. I know, I'm rambling mostly, but I don't know where to go or who to turn to. No one else has ever known about our affair, none of my family or friends, and I have no one to talk to. I feel so isolated, and just downright sick to my stomach. I want this to be a bad dream but it's not. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stop crying. This hurts an infinte amount worse than my divorce ever did. Thanks for listening. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I really think you're making the right decision. The fact that ending this is harder on you than your divorce tells me that you made the right decision in ending your marriage, regardless of the fact that MM hasn't followed through and chosen you. You're so young, and you have the rest of your life to live and love someone who suits you well and wants to be with you. What you need now is counseling to figure out your romantic entanglements and how you got to this place. Keep posting here for support in the meantime. I think you're on the right path, and while it's incredibly painful now, as long as you learn from it, it's only going to help you move forward. Think of your 30th birthday as a turning point. In your twenties, you married someone who (for whatever reason) wasn't the right man for you, and pursued a relationship with a married man who clearly was never ready to create a real life with you. Chalk it all up to experience, learn from it, and resolve to make the next decade completely different. (((((Hugs))))) to you, and remember, this is only temporary.
Woman In Blue Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I really feel like my heart is in tatters. Today I told MM I couldn't be in contact with him anymore. It's tearing me apart. The fact that I was still hanging on, even though he wouldn't make a decision. You're mistaken, Masoshi. He has made a decision. He's chosen to stay married and stay right where he is - and has for the past 5 years. Let this milestone birthday be the turning point in your life - unless you want to wake up and find yourself 40 or 50 years old and in the same boat?
TurboGirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Masoshi, (((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're going through this. Something to remember: Anytime a man says "I don't know" or "I need more time, etc." any of these stalling mechanisms mean the word NO. I've seen it proven in my life over & over again. You say you've never loved as you have with this man... this man is obviously a skilled charmer. One of the components of "love" is how the other person makes us feel about ourselves. He tells you all wonderful things and is ever so attentive... except that he can't/won't leave his wife for you. If this man was worthy of your love he would be by your side. I'm glad you have gone NC. Don't look back, keep forging ahead. You are a young woman, there will be many opportunities for you to love again.
TurboGirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Masoshi, (((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're going through this. Something to remember: Anytime a man says "I don't know" or "I need more time, etc." any of these stalling mechanisms mean the word NO. I've seen it proven in my life over & over again. You say you've never loved as you have with this man... this man is obviously a skilled charmer. One of the components of "love" is how the other person makes us feel about ourselves. He tells you all wonderful things and is ever so attentive... except that he can't/won't leave his wife for you. If this man was worthy of your love he would be by your side. I'm glad you have gone NC. Don't look back, keep forging ahead. You are a young woman, there will be many opportunities for you to love again.
siuys Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Oh how I feel your pain... I went NC with MM almost two weeks ago. When we had an A he told me he was on a path of getting a divorce. I got separated, while he never did... Well, he sorta did for a short period of time but then came back to his W but kept saying he was going to separate and get divorced... Hang in there. It hurts worse than any other pain... Try to stay busy, it might help a little.... *hugs* Wow, Ala, your xMM sounds like my xMM. And I'm just a little ahead of you with NC, at almost 3 weeks. It gets better as I realised more and more that I have made the right decision despite missing him. Doing something that's right isn't always easy... and to the OP, keep going, don't look back. Don't waste any more time, time that you will never get back. Hugs.
Author Masoshi Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 He couldn't really understand why I was in such a bad emotional place yesterday, since in his mind, we had spent more time together than usual last week and time spent together usually puts us in a good mood. But it was a combined bunch of factors that put me in such a bad place. I kept thinking about after our weekend visit, we have no "event" to look forward to. There was nothing planned for us and all I had to "look forward to" was my birthday which was not something I was looking forward to at all. In the middle, there'd be the marathon, where he'd be off with his kids and wife for the weekend and it's a big deal to him, but I'm stuck at home watching his progress through automatic online updates. And with the approach of the marathon, he has to taper his training, go to sleep early, eat certain stuff, blah blah blah, so he's a lot less available anyway. In my mind, the next month stretched out so unpleasantly, and all I could think about what turning 30 and being alone. No end in sight to this pain and this cycle, and no "progress" on his end in making a decision (and yes, I'm reading loud and clear the comments that no decision is a decision). And I thought, honestly, I sometimes don't know what's worse: seeing him and feeling miserable when he leaves, riding this stupid roller coaster over and over, hoping for a shred of his time, or not being in contact and having all the pain that builds up and comes out in waves to just hit me all in one big shot. I really don't know what's worse. I want to stand up for myself, and saying I can't talk to him anymore makes me feel like I'm doing that for myself, but at the same time it makes me so miserable I just want to be weak and see him again. It's been less than 24 hours of not being in touch and I'm so worked up and miserable and devastated and all that, that I can barely eat, sleep, function. I got my daughter to school half an hour late this morning. I don't want to do anything. I keep thinking about him, not being able to see him, talk, joke around, to never touch him again? We've been so close, there's nothing I don't tell him, that we don't talk about. I feel like I just can't function. After five years of everything being a secret, I confided in my best friend. She was stunned. She couldn't believe she'd never had any inkling and we talk several times a week and see each other regularly. She couldn't believe I'd been holding it all in for this long. It felt a little better having someone to talk to, someone who would listen to me. I finally felt like I wasn't so completely isolated, though I don't feel one ounce better in general. We talked for hours, until the middle of the night and I'm exhausted today, a zombie, and perhaps that's a little better because maybe I won't cry as much as I did yesterday... Someone asked what happened when I told him. He said he was sad I felt I had to come to this point, and that he had mixed feelings. He felt very sad we wouldn't be in contact, that we wouldn't see each other. When he thought about it, he said he understood, that it was probably better for me, because he sees how upset the relationship is starting to make me. He says seeing me makes me sad, when he doesn't see me I get sad. He also said he's been going through his own cycle of the excitement and anticipation of seeing me, then happiness of seeing me, basking in an afterglow of having spent time together and reliving memories for a bit, then the guilt kicks in, and he feels bad because he feels he should be figuring out if he can be "happy enough" in his marriage to stay in it. And he thinks he can't figure that out when I am there, available, because it's comfortable to continue seeing me, but he can't think rationally about what he should do. Because he keeps running through that guilt cycle in his mind. This is what he's said, take it for what you will. Of course, a huge part of me (the very needy part of me) wishes he would say "no, I can't live without you, blah blah blah." But the smarter part of me (which has been losing out to the needy part of me for years now) says that I can't get to an emotional place that's healthy if this pattern keeps going. It's not healthy for anyone, especially not me. I want to believe in fairy tales and that he'll realize he can't live without me but I really think that's not going to happen. I am afraid for myself, because I'm afraid with the way I feel about him that I'm going to hold a torch for him forever and no one will ever measure up in my mind and I'll never stop pining for him. My best friend says she doesn't believe that the best man for me out in this world would be one who would put me through this, and I really want to believe her. I just can't even fathom the thought of dating anyone else at this point, I still want him so bad it hurts. I am sorry this is so long.
Vince1980 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 i did the same today. big hugs. its hard i know...but we'll look back in 5 years and laugh about all this..stay strong. everything will word out..keep ur mind occupied...listen to new music..go for a walk or cycle. read a book book. life isnt a rehersal. hes not at home crying about u. go out and find someone. u can do it.
TigerCub Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Masoshi, I am truly sorry for all the pain you're going through right now. I can't imagine investing 5 years into someone and having to break it off. I do know the pain of an A, and although going NC is heartbreaking, it also gives you so much power back, it gives you your self confidence, your self respect, and as more time goes on, as you get further out of the fog, you begin to see things a lot more clearly. It will hurt a LOT right now, but it DOES get better with time. I think you should be very proud of yourself for being strong and finally saying enough is enough. I think instead of dreading your 30th birthday, you should see it as an amazing door opening, your 30s are starting off with you reclaiming your strength!! I think your 30s will actually be awesome! You're going into them smarter, wiser and a whole lot stronger!!! :bunny::bunny: HUGS
Irishlove Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Boy do they all say the same things or what? They find a way to keep you calm so you don't go crazy and tell the wife and mess their secret lives up. So he will be compassionate. He will try to move you away slowly making you think it's your idea. If he ever got caught you would have been gone quickly. Mine told me good bye too because I made a joke he didn't like and it was stupid. I hope his entire world falls apart. He's an arse.
Author Masoshi Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 After I wrote that reply, I noticed he had texted me. I didn't understand it - he said he was sorry we had had to cut off our conversation abruptly and he could talk to me today (yesterday). Why am I so weak? I didn't want to see him, I knew it would cause me immense pain, it wasn't like he was going to tell me anything I didn't know already, or I him. But I did it anyway. We went for a really short drive late in the afternoon and he didn't really say anything. I said, "didn't you want to talk to me? Isn't that why we're here?" He said yes, he thought I wanted to say more than I'd gotten the chance to the day before. He said me telling him I wanted to end contact shocked him, like a slap in the face, unexpected. He didn't think I'd do it, but at the risk of "angering" me, he was relieved, as he expects without the distraction of the affair he can finally figure things out for himself....whatever. He's sad because he's going to miss me terribly, he says. Maybe he is just relieved he doesn't have to deal with me anymore: my needs, my wishes, my wants, my desires, my feelings for him. I said I was terrified, I didn't know how I would deal without him; I was scared my absence would make it easy to forget me, his feelings for me, and make it more comfortable to stay in his marriage without me being such a distraction. The reasonable part of me tells me his actions show he's already chosen to stay in his marriage anyway, and I need to do this to stop constantly feeling hurt. But I asked him why were we even having this conversation? Did he want to tell me something I didn't know - probably didn't have anything to say I didn't know. Did I tell him something he didn't already know? He said no. So I said why are we even here? He admitted he just wanted to see me again. Through all my stupid sniffling and crying and shaking and everything else that made me feel like crap, I said that I guessed this was goodbye then..and of course, he grabbed my hand, kissed me, and I cried even more. So what, I was thinking, so that's the end? That's the last touch I will ever have from him. One kiss when I was crying my eyes out. When I took him back to the office and he was getting out of the car, he said "I'm sure we'll talk soon." And I said "No we will NOT talk soon! That's the point!" But now I think he will be the one to break the no-contact, and right now I'm weak enough to sort of hope that'll happen, even though I know I can't do it myself, because of how much worse I feel now after having seen him. I wish I never met him yesterday. I just feel so much worse today.
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Read though this: http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman?page=8 And then this, which I have posted a few times now in other threads: I saw this on LS a few months ago and it really hit home. It might give you some clarity to your situation...sadly, I know it did for mine. It just seems so bang-on when it comes to married men. Most OW don't realize that these men are usually content in their marriages and do not even ENTERTAIN the thought of leaving. Many men go into marriage fully aware that the "in love" feelings they have for their wives are going to fade. They don't expect or need to be madly in love with their wives forever. They chose her for a life partner, and usually they honor that for life. Yeah, they have certain expectations. They hope she doesn't get fat, they hope she will still want sex...but usually they will hang in there for the long haul unless things get really bad. Really bad usually means the wife is cheating or the wife is alcoholic or addicted. "Not in love with her anymore" is not grounds for divorce in most men's minds, because it is an expected result after being with someone for so many years. OW often believe that because he is no longer "in love" with the wife, that it is a dealbreaker. Many women are raised with the idea that marriage is a fairy tale and the couple will be "in love" forever. So in their minds, because the husband and wife are no longer passionately in love, the marriage is over. It's "just a piece of paper". The reality is that the "in love" feelings will morph into a comfortable, "know you like the back of my hand" kind of love. Dependable, nurturing, loving and good. A side-by-side partnership. A mutual love for family and friends. A shared past full of good times, struggles and funny things that happened. That is what marriage is, and the loss of passion does not nullify that. These men usually love their wives, they love their families and are content. They do not want a new marriage, their current one is fine. They cheat because they want excitement, new sex, the rushing, passionate feelings. Not because they want a new wife. They know that if they were to marry OW, those feelings would fade, just like with the wife. Men are logical thinkers. Why would he rewind his life, start over, just to wind up with what he already has now? They tell OW they may leave to keep her on the hook for as long as she will remain there. They love the feelings she gives them. Some even truly love her as a person. But no matter how perfect OW is, she will not usually inspire him to leave his wife, home and family. If OW truly understood this, they would have a lot less heartache. They project their "being in love is the most important thing in my life" feelings onto OM and get confused. Yes, OM may love them. Yes, she makes OM feel awesome. But to men, a love relationship is only one portion of their lives. It is fun, but not necessary. If it is available, they will indulge. But they will rarely leave their families for it.
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