Dumbstruck and down in the dumps

[Analyser]

This is my first post and as is customary, here is my story. This is both of ours second marriage, been married for 4 years, together for 7 in total. I have two kids from my first marriage and she has a son that stayed with us. I loved her more than I thought possible, but she had a tendency not to to tell me when she is unhappy. Because I know her very well, I was always able to tell that something was up, after a few weeks. I would eventually feel compelled to do something and would prompt her to tell me what is bothering her, always assuming I did something wrong but did not know what. My best intentions always backfired and it ended in a huge fight. I would always feel that she is picking a fight with me to avoid telling me what is really bothering her. Unfortunately, I always fell for it and got very angry and said some stupid things in the process, both of us did.

 

It eventually got to the point where she would refuse to tell me what is wrong, because we will just fight according to her. I always suspected some issues on her part, when it comes to dealing with her own emotions, but always put it down to "women being from Mars";). To make a long story short, our last typical fight, when I pushed again, she told me she's had enough and wants out. It came out of left field, as far as I was concerned we had a good marriage. It's not as if we fought all the time either. She labeled me controlling, aggressive, verbally abusive etc. and that she is not strong enough for me. I am sure I don't have to tell you, that nothing wakes a man up like his wife telling him she wants out and to be labeled with all those things caused me to do some serious introspection. I went to see a psychiatrist to help me put this all in perspective. He got me onto transactional analysis and I learnt some very important things about myself and relationships that I fell I should have known all along.

 

My point is, I took ownership of her criticism, because I always had the best intentions to treat her like the queen she was to me. But sometimes my frustration, in getting through to her, got the better of me. I made it my mission to become a better person and in the process realised that I am not as bad as she made me out to be. I made some mistakes, but made sure I owned up to them, for the rest, she seems to have painted a picture of me that is not a true reflection.

 

After two months of dealing with this, trying my best to salvage our marriage, I learnt that she was having an EA with an old flame, which started just a couple of weeks before the bombshell broke. I found over 1000 emails between them in two months! They professed their undying love to each other within the first week of establishing communication! It turns out, from these e-mails, that she never really loved anyone since him, never made love since him etc. etc. Man, this just about destroyed me. I felt so betrayed, manipulated and cheated that I could explode. She was away for the weekend, when I found these e-mails, which was a blessing. I had the whole weekend to get to grips with what was going on. I phoned the OM's wife and made sure she knew what was going, even sending her a copy of all the mails. We had a couple of long chats on the phone and it turns out she also did not have a clue that her husband was unhappy.

 

Anyway, I decided for my own sake and for the sake of my own kids who loved her like a mother, that I never want anything to do with her ever again. It's not the fact that she cheated, I would have added that to my list of stuff to work through with her. But the fact that she said she never truly loved me the way she was supposed to, is the thing that broke my heart into a million pieces. I feel that I could never trust her again, but I also don't trust myself that I would not take her back if she pushed hard enough. That is why I need to put as much distance between us a possible.

 

One possitive to this whole nightmare, is that through my introspection, I learnt to get to know myself a whole lot better. I recognized things about myself that I want to change and have made good progress down that path. Hopefully, this will put me in good stead, when hopefully the day comes that I can get myself to let someone come close again.

 

She finally moved out, lock stock and barrel, two days ago and I am enjoying the peace and quiet to deal with my new life path and make sure I feel everything.

 

Btw, the psychiatrist who I have seen regularly in the last two months, is of the opinion that she suffers from borderline personality disorder, after I told him the story of the EA and what was said in the mails. After reading up on it, it sound like a narrative of my life with her, all the symptoms have always been there I just didn't know any better to recognize them. In a sense, I suspect it makes it easier to deal with. It makes my decision to get away from her as far possible, easier to stick to, but I am still very raw and confused about how the last 7 years of my life could have been such a big lie, without me seeing it.

[updown]

sorry to hear you are going through all this. it's definitely not fun, nor anything one wishes for. we often don't see what's right in front of us because we want to see the good in people.

 

while it's nice to hear someone's perspective on 'the other person's' issues, since she herself wasn't diagnosed, i'd be cautious relying on that too much. i know i've often looked up various personality disorders and found many that my stbx fell into. it would explain away a lot of this for sure! but, as far as i know they haven't been diagnosed with anything by a professional. it's easier though to say ' oh they act this way because of this personality disorder' though.

 

work on improving and healing yourself. let her work and heal herself. if she really does issues, she's just going to take them with her, again, to this new guy....... good luck!

[Duckduckgoose]

I am curious, you said it was the second marriage for both of ya'll. How did both of ya'lls first marriages end? Did her first marriage especially end the way ya'lls now is?

 

Sorry for all my ya'lls lol

[Analyser]

@updown: Thanks for the words of support. Yeah, I know she has not officially been diagnosed, but there are too many similarities between her and the stereotypical symptoms. It just gives me perspective on the level of issues on her side as well. Up to now I am the one that has been painted as the biggest villain on the planet. Up to date she has not owned up to a single thing thing, all the problems are external to her, nothing is ever her fault.

 

@Duckduckgoose: My first marriage did not work out because I got married too young. Today we get on very well and she even surprised me with the amount of support she is giving me right now. My wife's first marriage, like you predicted, ended the same way as this one. Except I was the other guy and fell for her, hook line and sinker. She convinced me that I am not the reason she was leaving him, that the M was over anyway. But the EXACT same cycle is repeating itself. He also did not have a clue what hit him when she broke the news. That just proves to me that she is never to be trusted. She was my plan A and I was always her plan C. She said that she is not leaving me for the the current OM and after she was busted, she told me she is not talking to him anymore. If that is the truth, then I am sure it is because the OM's wife has something to do with it.

[Frank13]

I only read the first few sentences of your post before I knew there was an OM. Whenever there is something wrong with a spouse and they won't tell you, it is usually another man or woman.

[Duckduckgoose]

@Duckduckgoose: My first marriage did not work out because I got married too young. Today we get on very well and she even surprised me with the amount of support she is giving me right now. My wife's first marriage, like you predicted, ended the same way as this one. Except I was the other guy and fell for her, hook line and sinker. She convinced me that I am not the reason she was leaving him, that the M was over anyway. But the EXACT same cycle is repeating itself. He also did not have a clue what hit him when she broke the news. That just proves to me that she is never to be trusted. She was my plan A and I was always her plan C. She said that she is not leaving me for the the current OM and after she was busted, she told me she is not talking to him anymore. If that is the truth, then I am sure it is because the OM's wife has something to do with it.

 

I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this, but you seem to be on the right track by getting away from her. Even though I really hate divorce sometimes that is the best thing when one person just can't see the forest through the trees.

 

I am also sorry she is making you out to be the horrible villain. It takes two to mess up a marriage and sometimes it only really takes one really ****ed up person to do it

 

Feel free to vent or ask questions on LS, there are a lot of experienced people here that can help. And also I might recommend DivorceCare if you are having trouble getting through all the emotions and stuffs associated with separation and divorce. It has helped me a whole lot.

 

Just know that you are not going through divorce alone, even though the feelings and emotions you are dealing with seem very personal; and you might think no one understands. Unfortunately... we do

[seibert253]

Sucks you "wasted" 7 years with this woman, but look at the bright side. The truth shall set you free.....

You now have your life back.

 

Peace and Good Luck

[Analyser]

Thanks for all the words of support. It helps to know there are people out there who understands what I am going through. I have been trolling these forums for a couple of weeks already and learnt allot from the advice given here. Thanks.

[health]

That's why I always look at a girls history now before I get involved.

My ex and I were both not in a relationship for 2 years before we got to gether - so it was a total surprise when she rebounded 3 days after our relationship ended. It was a total shock. She's probablygoing to do the same to her current guy. These people are miserable and can't be happy by themselves. You had warning signs, thats why they say looko at how a relationship started and she repeated the same patern. Forget about her. She's garbage, do everything you can to get back on point.

 

I'm still strugling nad it's been over two years, it's really challengng for me to find a new girl cause I have all this criteria now, I don't care though. I primarily do what I want in life and I'm happy I never wasted more than 5 years which is a lot.

 

Cut her off totally. You desrve to be loved, you felt cheated most of the time being her plan c. Forget that.

[JadedAmore]

I totally agree with what everyone else has put on here. If she's still pursuing the OM then he will likely be in for the same heartbreak you are facing now. If not, like you say the OM's wife likely has something to do with it, but she will find someone else's life to poison.

 

Good for you for finding the courage to take the steps to find out how to better yourself. I was worried that you would think you were the cause of this failed marriage, but you seem to have your head on straight and can recognize that she's got problems that lie deeper than what occurred between the two of you. Best of luck!

[Analyser]

I know it is still early days, but I am battling with the intense anger I feel towards her. Anger is such a destructive emotion and I don't want to be an angry person. To make matters worse, I forgot to mention that we work together, so I still see her every day although I try to pretend like she does not exist. I am going to have to find another job, because I cannot stand being around her at the moment and I fear it will jeopardize my job eventually. She really has turned every aspect of my life upside down. And to think I was still happily married 3 months ago!