26pointblue Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I don't know. My MM never wanted to cut contact with me. I cut contact with him a few times because I couldn't stand it. He always tried to contact me and eventually it worked except for the last time when I told him I was moving on and showed him that by not talking to him that. More recently I am the one that went fishing but he took the bait happily and we were back full-swing and now he just left again, I think for good (I also think he has used up all chances with his wife and she is done with him, which is strangely what he wanted- for her to be done with him instead of hurting her... but of course he has hurt her much more this way). I guess what I'm trying to say is that either way the back-and-forth is crazy and comes with a lot of pain and drama for everyone. I will also add that until recently I didn't totally believe in him and didn't want to get hurt. So he sensed my resistance and a long-term marriage is a lot more secure than an affair. So every situation is a bit different but I think if there is a bond there they will come back- the question is what you have to go through to get there!
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Hi Sunset Red, Just to be clear, those weren't my words..I found them somewhere else a few months ago on LS and saved them because they resonated so much for me. I'm on 2 weeks of NC right now and it's really hard. But those words remind me that him not "choosing" me has nothing to do with me. My MM really did fall in love with me...and I with him. And had he not met his wife 10 years ago, I have no doubt we would have had an amazing life and future together. But the fact is, he didn't know me 10 years ago and so we didn't meet. He met her, fell in love with her, and wanted to forge a future with her. Since then, he has done that. They've had some ups and downs, but mostly ups. And yes, the intensity of his feelings for her faded, as all "in love" feelings fade, but his DEVOTION to her and to his marriage, have never wavered. If anything, they got stronger since he married her. Yes, there is a contradiction b/c of his affair with me, but the basis of his life with her never changed, and never will. I often wonder if his affair with me served to strengthen his marriage -- I rekindled his sex drive, I taught him how to please a woman again, and his involvement with me made him pay more attention to her, so he wouldn't get caught....in the end, everything to do with me, made him closer to her. If you read my posts earlier, he and his wife were infertile....part of what ruined their sex life -- the stress, etc of going through that -- and one year after being with me, he felt closer to her than he ever had before, and they finally conceived naturally. It's a bit of a strange, hard thing for me to be a part of, because I wanted to have a baby with him myself, I have been SO in love with him, but I'm trying to find some sort of zen peace here and maybe some comfort that at the very least, a blessing has possibly come out of this situation -- that she gets the child she's longed for, that he does. I get nothing, obviously, but heartache, confusion, despair, but maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn. The other silver lining is that I know he won't cheat again....he is a good person and wants to be an amazing father...and will be. He saw how much this situation destroyed me, he'll never let that happen again. But all of it sucks, Sunset, I know. It would be so nice if the fantasies we entertain were true. But they're aren't. Really, they usually aren't. Find a way to be happy on your own....there's no promise of a man in anyone's life, and even at 34 I know women who are already young widows, divorced with kids, these things. Fairy tales don't come true in life very often, and especially not where love and men are concerned.
Heart On Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 To her credit, she's never promised me anything. And that's exactly what they say when they decide to walk away when it becomes too real or too much of a risk to losing what they have. I don't consider it to be a 'credit' that she can't commit fully to either of you. Do you? I loved my xMM to the point that I left my xH. I figured,I'd rather be hated for who I am,than loved for who I am not. He stayed with his blissfully ignorant wife. I got left holding the bag for the entire affair. He went on at my expense. Ahhh...love. If she has made it clear that she is going to straddle this fence as long as she can to fill the void in here marriage,then in reality,you are a willing accomplice to your own misery and can't ever claim to be her victim. Now....had WE fallen in love while I was unhappily married,and willing to end my marriage over it as I was,we would be together right now, as I see no reason to pretent that cheating is about love. It's about passive aggressive cowardice IMO.Some people have the decency to end one thing before they start another.I outted myself long before it became sexual,as I saw no reason to disrespect my xH by omitting or lying about my feelings for someone else. Too bad for my xMM he had no balls or heart or conscience. Do yourself a favor. End this on YOUR own terms and don't let her fears/commitment phobia's rule your heart or life! You deserve ALL of one woman....not half.
Heart On Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 These actions create "obsession" in love soulmate feelings as they keep you so ungrounded. Bond you to the person who is causng you such pain and drama. You do not realize how unhealthy the stuation you are in is. You are blind! Focus is on the object who is fueling your desire. No truer words where written with exception of a man named Patrick Carnes who wrote the book The Betrayal Bond:Breaking free of exploitive relationships. At one point in my life,I could say YES to every single question he asked only to have to face that I was betrayal bonded to both my xMM and my xH,not in love at all and it all started thanks to my childhood conditioning to narcissistic people. Codependency and love addiction are some pretty scary blinding obsessions to evolve out of but it IS possible! Knowledge is power! Take the test and honestly ask yourself if it's "LOVE" or a Betrayal Bond to the MM/MW. http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm
Author no1uknow Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Hi Heart On, thanks for the responses. It sounds like our experiences have some similarities, so I appreciate your input. I took the test. It said I'm "normal." And truthfully, I don't think either one of us have any major underlying psychological issues. I wish there was a chat room on this site. I'd love to get into the nuts and bolts of this thing with somebody.
lynne76 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I found this article helpful. Admittedly, it's a little over the top in some parts maybe, so read it with a grain of salt, but overall, I thought it had some good parts. http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman?page=8
jthorne Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I got left holding the bag for the entire affair. He went on at my expense.I noticed you because you have the same signature I had for awhile when I joined here. I was hoping you'd expand on the quoted. I hope it's not a threadjack, maybe it will be instructive to the OP. Why do you say he went on at your expense? Are you saying you wouldn't have divorced had it not been for the affair?
ladydesigner Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 No truer words where written with exception of a man named Patrick Carnes who wrote the book The Betrayal Bond:Breaking free of exploitive relationships. At one point in my life,I could say YES to every single question he asked only to have to face that I was betrayal bonded to both my xMM and my xH,not in love at all and it all started thanks to my childhood conditioning to narcissistic people. Codependency and love addiction are some pretty scary blinding obsessions to evolve out of but it IS possible! Knowledge is power! Take the test and honestly ask yourself if it's "LOVE" or a Betrayal Bond to the MM/MW. http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm Wow what an insightful post, unfortunately I tested high on the Betrayal Bond which is no surprise to me as my past has definitely dictated the future. Time to change that. Thanks for this post!
SunsetRed Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Wow, Lynne76, you really seem to have gained so much wisdom from the pain of your experience. I know you're still hurting but you do seem to convey a sense of zen like peace/wisdom. I too feel like my presence in xMM's life served to put his marriage back together. He and his ex had had no relationship for years and had been physically separated for 3 years. As soon as she found out he was serious about me, she wanted him back. I never fought to keep him as I already knew that fighting a legal wife is a losing battle. Now he is back living in the house that she swore he'd never be welcome in. If it weren't for me, they'd have never gotten back together and it hurts to think that I helped the man I wanted to marry, stay married. You're right about there being no fairy tale endings guaranteed for anyone. Look at the 25,000 people in Japan who lost their lives... At least all of us heartbroken people on this forum still have our lives.. It's ironic that I always had milestones set for not being alone. I DID NOT want to be 30 and not married, and I ended up divorced at 27. Then I didn't want to be 40 and alone so I put up with all kinds of garbage from men in my 30's. Yes, I wasn't alone at 40, but I'm alone now at 43. I'm trying to be zen about it too. I still have TONS of things that are right in my life. In fact, I do everything right except romantic relationships. My plan is simply to keep living my life, to tolerate some of my feelings of sadness but to still go on and be happy and blessed.
Heart On Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I noticed you because you have the same signature I had for awhile when I joined here. I was hoping you'd expand on the quoted. I hope it's not a threadjack, maybe it will be instructive to the OP. Why do you say he went on at your expense? Are you saying you wouldn't have divorced had it not been for the affair? I knew that being honest was the right thing to do,but it was the hardest thing to do too.I looked my xH in the eye and told him I didn't love him anymore and outted myself without fear! His motto was 'Lie and Deny' and while I was answering for us both,he was hiding behind those lies while I suffered for having trusted him and taken his advances seriously.I don't know if I would have wound up divorced had I not met and been groomed and idealized,devalued and discarded by the xMM,but it certainly put the nail in the coffin of my marriage! 'He went on at my expense' means that I lost all thanks to my honesty and I didn't even wind up with the very man who pulled me out of my abusive marriage.I was forced out of my house as the only way I could protect his lies was to sell it as our kids wound up on the same sports teams and I couldn't deal with his FAKE face in front of his family and friends.I lost the respect of people who trusted me,my own self respect,alot of money,as he was actually my massage therapist who crossed ALL lines and boundaries of his profession,money for massive amounts of therapy to overcome the betrayal of being lead on to nowhere by an admitted anti-social,not to mention my pride and dignity. I ate crow for years thanks to my honesty,while he could have cared less as long as I stayed silent for his sake. He kept all including his image,professional license to practice massage,his family,his wifes trust and love,his home,all thanks to his lies and omissions in his own life without so much as a care in the world what his games and lies caused me overtly,let alone what it caused his marriage covertly. At the end of it all,all he had to say was...."I thought I loved you". "I thought all you wanted was sex".It's not like I ruined your life". You know, all defensive projections to avoid taking any personal responsibility for his own actions. I know all he wanted from me was sex,money and protection now,but at the time,I was 100% convinced by his words that he wanted more than that and since I am NOT a liar,I easily outted myself in the name of LOVE. 'Liars win' was what conculsion I came to,as I saw him go on as though he had done nothing wrong to anyone and felt entitled to it to boot! The one thing I salvaged was my integrity,my courage to be honest and my ability to follow my heart. Bottom line,had he been sincere and not just a scamming charmer,things would not have been left in my lap to contend with alone as if I had seduced myself over nothing. But in the end,I learned that I had some serious issues to deal with within myself that lead me astray in the first place and that kept me protecting him at my expense and that I didn't EVER want to give someone so much power over my life,self esteem or worth EVER again! Nor will I EVER trust a married man or a massage therapist at his word~ Even though I have been hurt many, many times by men with issues..... i keep my HEART ON!~ Hope that disclosure helps!
Heart On Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Wow what an insightful post, unfortunately I tested high on the Betrayal Bond which is no surprise to me as my past has definitely dictated the future. Time to change that. Thanks for this post! You are welcome.It hit the nail on the head for me to. I don't think there is any way to deny that denial is one of the only ways that EMR can continue to thrive in the face of utter betrayal.
jthorne Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) But in the end,I learned that I had some serious issues to deal with within myself that lead me astray in the first place and that kept me protecting him at my expense and that I didn't EVER want to give someone so much power over my life,self esteem or worth EVER again! Nor will I EVER trust a married man or a massage therapist at his word~ Even though I have been hurt many, many times by men with issues..... I keep my HEART ONThank you. I'm especially relieved to read the above, and wish you the best. Edited April 8, 2011 by jthorne
20Seconds Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 'Liars win' was what conculsion I came to,as I saw him go on as though he had done nothing wrong to anyone and felt entitled to it to boot! The one thing I salvaged was my integrity,my courage to be honest and my ability to follow my heart. Heart On did you ever consider revealing the A to others, or even the BS?
20Seconds Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 They cheat because they want excitement, new sex, the rushing, passionate feelings. Not because they want a new wife. They love the feelings she gives them. Some even truly love her as a person. But no matter how perfect OW is, she will not usually inspire him to leave his wife, home and family. If OW truly understood this, they would have a lot less heartache. They project their "being in love is the most important thing in my life" feelings onto OM and get confused. Yes, OM may love them. Yes, she makes OM feel awesome. But to men, a love relationship is only one portion of their lives. It is fun, but not necessary. If it is available, they will indulge. But they will rarely leave their families for it. This could equally be true of a MW, I think. No1, MM came back and came back and continues to...now just "wants to be friends" since I ended the PA. He reminds me how fantastic it was when we were together. Well, he's right, it was. And I say, yes, I know, but that's not all that matters. Lynne's post rings so true.
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