Do They Come Back?

[no1uknow]

If an AP is truly in love with you but breaks it off to "work on the marriage," how often do they come back? If deep down they really do love you?

[jlola]

All affairs are about drama of breaking up to try to work on the marriage and coming back. Your Ap will call soon, with the declaration they could not live without you. The situation of the affair becomes addictive. Notice I said the "Situation".

 

Please read my post on Robert Greene "The art of seduction". You will notice though the rules are not for people having affars. People in affairs will subconciously follow most of these rules.

 

For every action there is a reaction. Whether you are using to manipulate or do not even know you are following these rules the same reaction applies.

 

The rules basically are

 

find someone who is dissatisfied with life.

 

Befriend them safely.

 

Let them know you are attracted.

 

Be unpredictable.

 

Create triangles(other person)

 

Create isolation(affairs are created in bubble. No friends or family around. Just you too.

 

 

create fantasy. What a happy world you will have when the obstacle to your happiness is gone and you will finally be together.

 

create uncertainty

 

Break-up when the infatuation is at a high

 

Reconnect when they are at the very low.

 

Create taboos.

 

These actions create "obsession" in love soulmate feelings as they keep you so ungrounded. Bond you to the person who is causng you such pain and drama. You do not realize how unhealthy the stuation you are in is. You are blind! Focus is on the object who is fueling your desire.

 

dangling the carrot.Letting you get so close to what you want and taking dream away.

 

Basically, affairs mess with your head BIG TIME! But If you actually do end up together, the fantasy will not live up to what you thought and as Robert Greene "Art of seduction" predicts. The aftermath of the seduction is dissapointment.

Get out now and straighten your head out. Good luck!!!

[Gentlegirl]

MM I was with told me I was always in his heart forever... when the time was right(ie wife had passed away) he would come and find me no matter where I was.

 

What a joke!

 

It's always the same story, when they are caught out, they will crucify you and leave you hanging! Actions demonstrate that you really weren't amazing friends at all. You were just a nice little distraction for him. She's the one he chooses aabove you.

 

That's the hardest bit to come to terms with but sooner the better.

 

Rejoice that he is no longer talking to you and feeding you bull****.

 

Best wishes,

 

Gentle

[East7]

If an AP is truly in love with you but breaks it off to "work on the marriage," how often do they come back? If deep down they really do love you?

 

Yes they do come back, especially when you maintain strong NC.

 

The question is not about coming back but "what for" ?

 

They come back for various reasons, ego burst, boredom, unhappy marriage (some stay but nothing changes), etc etc, but almost always just for any other reason than being with you for good.

 

In most cases they just want to resume the A without any intention of leaving their spouse. Staying married and coming back is just a way to tell you " I enjoyed cake eating, please can I have some more? "

[Irishlove]

Mine kept coming back because their marriage was boring. When he longed for the touch, the sex, the caring he called me. But this time there is no coming back. I'm done. He is too bi polar, his wife is nuts so he has learned that behavior. Sex isn't that good and he pleases himself. I want better. I hung on because of what I thought he was. He was just a shell of a man.

[Circular]

I don't think there is a cookie cutter answer to the question. Usually if two APs have truly fallen in love with each other (an often debated term here), even after a long absence there's a fairly high probability that one of the APs will try to connect. Mostly because things are unresolved. How can they be? You've never reached the point of relationship normalcy. So for most APs that question of 'could it have worked' 'was this the person I should be with' will continue to bounce around in there head. This is the problem created by emotional attachment.

 

The bigger question isn't as much if, but when and why? I tend to agree with East's and others summation of it. Sometimes ego, boredom, bad marriage, curiosity, and in some rare cases to resume the A, etc... I know in my situation my xAP has reached out to me a few times but I'm never sure exactly what's going through her head, it's definitely nothing like it was before and it's usually followed by long periods of silence. It's rare to have someone come back and say 'Im leaving my M, getting a D and want us to have a real relationship', typically a cake-eater will try to resume the A and not make any commitments to move out of the M. At that point you have to decide if that's the life you want to live.

 

There are some older threads here about xAPs running into each other again, being in the same work environment again. They usually follow a similar pattern. They post on LS 'Can we be friends again?' or something similar. They talk about how everything seems 'ok, friendly', everyone warns them of their eventually descent back into an A, they don't listen, they post weeks later 'ummm how did I get into this again??' or worse 'DDay'. Just be careful what you ask for.

[BB07]

If an AP is truly in love with you but breaks it off to "work on the marriage," how often do they come back? If deep down they really do love you?

 

You didn't write many words but I hear the pain there. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

Instead of driving yourself nuts about will he come back or not. Work on your life and figure out why you opened yourself up to a high risk relationship, (he was married).

 

You've had some good answers already in this thread about why they come back and as you see it's not usually for the reasons that you want them back and.............I'm here to tell you that my xmm did come back. After almost 2 years of dating, I found out that the man who I thought had came back to me, wasn't really separated at all.

I wish he had NEVER came back......none of it was worth what it has cost me.

[East7]

The bigger question isn't as much if, but when and why? I tend to agree with East's and others summation of it. Sometimes ego, boredom, bad marriage, curiosity, and in some rare cases to resume the A, etc... I know in my situation my xAP has reached out to me a few times but I'm never sure exactly what's going through her head, it's definitely nothing like it was before and it's usually followed by long periods of silence. It's rare to have someone come back and say 'Im leaving my M, getting a D and want us to have a real relationship', typically a cake-eater will try to resume the A and not make any commitments to move out of the M. At that point you have to decide if that's the life you want to live.

 

My xMW came back many times even after DDay, she reconciled with her H (though I doubt how much she did), went through a terrible withdrawal (both emotional and physical).

Then for some reasons her M was pretty much the same as during the A, she sounded bored with her H and tried to reconnect with me behaving exactly the same way that during the A. Despite all her pinning, divorce wasn't in her agenda.

[notgonnatakeit]

All affairs are about drama of breaking up to try to work on the marriage and coming back. Your Ap will call soon, with the declaration they could not live without you. The situation of the affair becomes addictive. Notice I said the "Situation".

 

Please read my post on Robert Greene "The art of seduction". You will notice though the rules are not for people having affars. People in affairs will subconciously follow most of these rules.

 

For every action there is a reaction. Whether you are using to manipulate or do not even know you are following these rules the same reaction applies.

 

The rules basically are

 

find someone who is dissatisfied with life.

 

Befriend them safely.

 

Let them know you are attracted.

 

Be unpredictable.

 

Create triangles(other person)

 

Create isolation(affairs are created in bubble. No friends or family around. Just you too.

 

 

create fantasy. What a happy world you will have when the obstacle to your happiness is gone and you will finally be together.

 

create uncertainty

 

Break-up when the infatuation is at a high

 

Reconnect when they are at the very low.

 

Create taboos.

 

These actions create "obsession" in love soulmate feelings as they keep you so ungrounded. Bond you to the person who is causng you such pain and drama. You do not realize how unhealthy the stuation you are in is. You are blind! Focus is on the object who is fueling your desire.

 

dangling the carrot.Letting you get so close to what you want and taking dream away.

 

Basically, affairs mess with your head BIG TIME! But If you actually do end up together, the fantasy will not live up to what you thought and as Robert Greene "Art of seduction" predicts. The aftermath of the seduction is dissapointment.

Get out now and straighten your head out. Good luck!!!

 

This is the first time I've ever posted on here. What I just read made me sit very still and it hit so close to home...it was like reading word for word what/who I was like while I was in my affair. I've maintained strong NC for 14 months and I believe that I will never hear from him again. Everything on this list is what happened for a year.

[Confused4Now]

My xMW came back many times even after DDay, she reconciled with her H (though I doubt how much she did), went through a terrible withdrawal (both emotional and physical).

Then for some reasons her M was pretty much the same as during the A, she sounded bored with her H and tried to reconnect with me behaving exactly the same way that during the A. Despite all her pinning, divorce wasn't in her agenda.

This was mine as well....my xMW kept coming back multiple times saying she was coming and she was ready. Then she filed but he was never served yet. I think it got so real to her....then she said. I need 6 months to heal and get healthy. This was after 2 1/2 years of therapy and IC....yeah whatever I told her I was done....

[no1uknow]

Thanks to all for the thoughtful responses. And, as it turned out, my AP called not long after I started this thread. And now we're back to NC again. I guess.

 

It's such a strange feeling, knowing that someone is putting so much work into trying to forget about you.

[siuys]

Thanks to all for the thoughtful responses. And, as it turned out, my AP called not long after I started this thread. And now we're back to NC again. I guess.

 

It's such a strange feeling, knowing that someone is putting so much work into trying to forget about you.

 

It's a blessing in disguise... you could be in this for a lot longer, and the pain will not go away coz most of the time they will come back for the wrong reasons.

 

My xMM moved out, on his own for 6 months, moved back with W, told me he was moving out, then told me he was not ready to be in an R... that's when I pulled the pin for good. It's no use them coming back. Rarely are they ready for anything serious. Rarely do they even know what they are doing... and you don't really want to end up being the rebound girl.

[no1uknow]

I'm a "he," just for the record. Ha ha. Should have said so, I guess.

 

Which actually brings up another question, namely how a MW might behave vs. a MM in this situation. Just trying to get inside her head.

[siuys]

I'm a "he," just for the record. Ha ha. Should have said so, I guess.

 

Which actually brings up another question, namely how a MW might behave vs. a MM in this situation. Just trying to get inside her head.

 

From what I have read this past year on the forum, whether MM or MW, their behaviour seems pretty much on par... though you do seem to find more OW than OM out there, or maybe just coz OW post more? Don't know...

 

OK, you don't want to be the rebound MAN!

[no1uknow]

Thank you.

[lynne76]

I saw this on LS a few months ago and it really hit home. It might give you some clarity to your situation...sadly, I know it did for mine. It just seems so bang-on when it comes to married men.

 

Most OW don't realize that these men are usually content in their marriages and do not even ENTERTAIN the thought of leaving.

 

Many men go into marriage fully aware that the "in love" feelings they have for their wives are going to fade. They don't expect or need to be madly in love with their wives forever. They chose her for a life partner, and usually they honor that for life.

 

Yeah, they have certain expectations. They hope she doesn't get fat, they hope she will still want sex...but usually they will hang in there for the long haul unless things get really bad. Really bad usually means the wife is cheating or the wife is alcoholic or addicted. "Not in love with her anymore" is not grounds for divorce in most men's minds, because it is an expected result after being with someone for so many years.

 

OW often believe that because he is no longer "in love" with the wife, that it is a dealbreaker. Many women are raised with the idea that marriage is a fairy tale and the couple will be "in love" forever. So in their minds, because the husband and wife are no longer passionately in love, the marriage is over. It's "just a piece of paper".

 

The reality is that the "in love" feelings will morph into a comfortable, "know you like the back of my hand" kind of love. Dependable, nurturing, loving and good. A side-by-side partnership. A mutual love for family and friends. A shared past full of good times, struggles and funny things that happened. That is what marriage is, and the loss of passion does not nullify that. These men usually love their wives, they love their families and are content. They do not want a new marriage, their current one is fine.

 

They cheat because they want excitement, new sex, the rushing, passionate feelings. Not because they want a new wife.

 

They know that if they were to marry OW, those feelings would fade, just like with the wife. Men are logical thinkers. Why would he rewind his life, start over, just to wind up with what he already has now?

 

They tell OW they may leave to keep her on the hook for as long as she will remain there. They love the feelings she gives them. Some even truly love her as a person. But no matter how perfect OW is, she will not usually inspire him to leave his wife, home and family.

 

If OW truly understood this, they would have a lot less heartache. They project their "being in love is the most important thing in my life" feelings onto OM and get confused. Yes, OM may love them. Yes, she makes OM feel awesome. But to men, a love relationship is only one portion of their lives. It is fun, but not necessary. If it is available, they will indulge. But they will rarely leave their families for it.

[BB07]

Good post Lynne, that should be a sticky at the top of the forum and the way it goes the majority of the time.

 

 

I saw this on LS a few months ago and it really hit home. It might give you some clarity to your situation...sadly, I know it did for mine. It just seems so bang-on when it comes to married men.

 

Most OW don't realize that these men are usually content in their marriages and do not even ENTERTAIN the thought of leaving.

 

Many men go into marriage fully aware that the "in love" feelings they have for their wives are going to fade. They don't expect or need to be madly in love with their wives forever. They chose her for a life partner, and usually they honor that for life.

 

Yeah, they have certain expectations. They hope she doesn't get fat, they hope she will still want sex...but usually they will hang in there for the long haul unless things get really bad. Really bad usually means the wife is cheating or the wife is alcoholic or addicted. "Not in love with her anymore" is not grounds for divorce in most men's minds, because it is an expected result after being with someone for so many years.

 

OW often believe that because he is no longer "in love" with the wife, that it is a dealbreaker. Many women are raised with the idea that marriage is a fairy tale and the couple will be "in love" forever. So in their minds, because the husband and wife are no longer passionately in love, the marriage is over. It's "just a piece of paper".

 

The reality is that the "in love" feelings will morph into a comfortable, "know you like the back of my hand" kind of love. Dependable, nurturing, loving and good. A side-by-side partnership. A mutual love for family and friends. A shared past full of good times, struggles and funny things that happened. That is what marriage is, and the loss of passion does not nullify that. These men usually love their wives, they love their families and are content. They do not want a new marriage, their current one is fine.

 

They cheat because they want excitement, new sex, the rushing, passionate feelings. Not because they want a new wife.

 

They know that if they were to marry OW, those feelings would fade, just like with the wife. Men are logical thinkers. Why would he rewind his life, start over, just to wind up with what he already has now?

 

They tell OW they may leave to keep her on the hook for as long as she will remain there. They love the feelings she gives them. Some even truly love her as a person. But no matter how perfect OW is, she will not usually inspire him to leave his wife, home and family.

 

If OW truly understood this, they would have a lot less heartache. They project their "being in love is the most important thing in my life" feelings onto OM and get confused. Yes, OM may love them. Yes, she makes OM feel awesome. But to men, a love relationship is only one portion of their lives. It is fun, but not necessary. If it is available, they will indulge. But they will rarely leave their families for it.

[SunsetRed]

Wow Lynne76, you have put reality into the best words possible. It is a huge slap in the face, but it's also true. The old addage "It's cheaper to keep her" is also true but is cynical is well. Your post reminds us that it's not always about the money or the house or the kids...even though that's what they tell us. It is about that almost business like relationship of being a life partner to someone.

 

I knew of a MM (not mine)who told his OW that he felt he needed to "honor the vows" he made. When she confronted him about sleeping around and how that compromises the forsaking all others part of the vow, he sheepishly admitted that he couldnt follow that aspect of their vows as their sex life had vanished. He did however honor the other vows, like to death do we part.

 

I think I'm going to flag your post so that I can go back and reread it. I'm over the worst part of my break up, but I struggle with self blame and I constantly ruminate over how I could've been a better gf so that he would've chosen me. Your post helps me realize that there really is nothing I could have done and that a life with him would have been a constant losing battle of me trying to one up the wife (which is impossible).

 

I am focusing on living MY life, but for some reason I seem to be really good at multi tasking, as I am living my life, but still ruminating over him. I want to just live my life!

[JaneyAmazed]

I think that there is no way to generalize an AP's actions. For me, the months following my affair have changed my life. I had so many problems and issues during the affair and before the affair. After I ended it, I've been able to confront my problems and talk about them with my family, my counselor and my husband. Sometimes things happen in our lives that change everything. My life has been changed and there is no way I'd go back to a toxic relationship. I've been through so much pain and heartache. The last thing I'd do is mess up my life again on purpose. Going back to xOM would guarantee that.

[no1uknow]

I just can't imagine that after everything I'll be left with nothing. It just can't be true. I've given this thing all that I have. Why would she do that?

[siuys]

I just can't imagine that after everything I'll be left with nothing. It just can't be true. I've given this thing all that I have. Why would she do that?

 

Sometimes it makes sense to cut your losses and run...

[no1uknow]

I'm in too deep for that now. I really love this woman.

[JaneyAmazed]

I just can't imagine that after everything I'll be left with nothing. It just can't be true. I've given this thing all that I have. Why would she do that?

 

 

Did she lead you to believe she'd leave her husband for you? If not, she is doing the right thing by working on her marriage. It's tough. I know. I loved my xOM.

[no1uknow]

To her credit, she's never promised me anything.

[SunsetRed]

No1youknow...just be careful about how much "nothing" you'll be left with.

 

It hurts to be left with a broken heart and wounded soul but many people involved w a MM/MW end up losing their jobs and other forms of livlihood.

 

I almost gave up my beach house because xMM wanted me to move with him. He promised to take care of the "technicality" of the divorce paperwork during our move. Thank goodness for all my previous heartbreaks and divorce because now at 43, I've learned a thing or two.

I wasn't willing to sacrifice my house, esp when it's affordable and the economy is shakey. My situation could've turned out much worse.

 

Just be careful of how much of yourself you are willing to throw away.

The MM/W has a family to fall back on, we as the single persons have only ourselves. Sometimes when you're involved with a MM/W your friends are not sympathetic to your break up misery. Many of my so called friends had the "you had it coming" philosophy.

 

Just hang on to you, because You are all you'll have in the end.