Kamille Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 I've thought about this some more, and it seems to me like your priority should be to not mis-assign the pressure that you feel. You are putting that pressure on yourself. You are the one who refuses to let her chip in when she offers. You are the one who is afraid that if you tell her you can't afford a trip, she will love you less. I repeat: you are putting that pressure on yourself, and your fears are creating a conflict between your desire to be love and your desire to acheive financial security. so I don't necessarily think step one is a talk. I think step one is facing your fears and learning to assert yourself. One, graciously accept her offer to chip in the next time she offers. Two, next time she suggests an activity you feel is out of your budget, graciously tell her you're currently building an emergency fund and that means you have to cut back on some activities.
sniffys Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 after reading his post i kinda feel sorry for the gf.. a) she doesnt even know u are sturggling, u always say "u got it!" b) u want her to read your mind..while u tell her and convince her u got it c) not her fault u blow in interviews d) not her fault ur family life sucked..ure of age now..time to stop blaming your family for whatever u are right now e) shes not as cheap as people here think her to be (most people) she did and DOES offer her share. problem is you just think and dwell on the fact that she isnt struggling as hard as you are f) shes not a "posh princess" for living w/ her parents, if my parents had a big house with only 1-2 people living in it, and my work is 30 mins from home, i really dont give a **** what someone else says about me still living at home. i'd contribute to electricity, groceries, etc anyway g) why the hell are u in a relationship?
eerie_reverie Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 There is no shame in not going out to eat at expensive restaurants all the time. I really don't understand what the issue is. Can't you just say no?
Star Gazer Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I've thought about this some more, and it seems to me like your priority should be to not mis-assign the pressure that you feel. You are putting that pressure on yourself. You are the one who refuses to let her chip in when she offers. You are the one who is afraid that if you tell her you can't afford a trip, she will love you less. I repeat: you are putting that pressure on yourself, and your fears are creating a conflict between your desire to be love and your desire to acheive financial security. so I don't necessarily think step one is a talk. I think step one is facing your fears and learning to assert yourself. One, graciously accept her offer to chip in the next time she offers. Two, next time she suggests an activity you feel is out of your budget, graciously tell her you're currently building an emergency fund and that means you have to cut back on some activities. Bingo. This is all self-inflicted.
johan Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I think you're all missing the main point: he's doing this to himself. She is not to blame at all.
eerie_reverie Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I also second everyone that has told you to stop comparing yourself to other people. There is something very warped about the fact that you are so bitter that you didn't have all the advantages to be at the very top of the world.
JaneDoe35 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Your girlfriend is aware of your financial difficulties but doesn't offer to pay very often. This isn't so much about manhood, as not being treated with consideration by your SO. Time to bite the bullet, sit her back down and make her understand that the good times are over, that in order for you to get from under mounting debt, that either she's going to have to buck up her share or your activities will need to be steeply curtailed. If she can't understand this, she's no finance person. She can either be an asset to you or continue being a liability. I agree with this. She is not being considerate. This must be very frustrating for you. Sort it out or your bitterness will grow.
JaneDoe35 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 No she is not expected to be able to read his mind...she doesn't have to be able to. It is no secret that she is in a better financial position than him. She knows this and should take the initiative. Some men find it difficult to approach finances (lack of) - especially with a woman who has no financial issues. He has his pride - rightly or wrongly....
Author VertexSquared Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 sniffys: You're making points about things that are incorrect or things I didn't say. She knows I am struggling on some level. I'm not blaming her for any of my downfalls whatsoever. I'm not calling her a "posh princess" at all and I don't know where you got this. I'm saying that I am jealous of her good fortune and upset over mine and upset at the notion of not being able to operate on the same playing field with the same ease of mind. eerie: Yes, I can easily say no. It's not like we go out to eat expensive meals all the time. We out to eat together maybe a small handful of times per month, and usually it's less than $100 each time and usually a decent threshold less. There ARE meals where they may cost a few hundred, but they're usually for special occasions. The problem is that even at this frequency, it can be a strain. My fear is that saying "no" to even this frequency will result in her being bored with me because I'm always trying to pull back. This notion further contributes to my jealousy, as I know I wouldn't be in this position given better circumstance. I can't change those circumstances but I don't know how to change my fate going forward, as I seem to be blocked there, too. I feel a great lack of control over my life and that is where my bitterness derives from. Kamille & Star Gazer: Yes, I understand a lot of these pressures are coming from within. It is indeed a conflict between a desire to be loved and a desire for financial security -- as it's all rife with risk. I don't know how to be assertive in the notion that I can have both. I feel like it's either one or the other.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 what are her hobbies and activities that you can't keep up with? maybe you can find an alternative way of enjoying it with her without spending so much. regarding dining out, how about introducing a different "ambiance" to her. inviter her for dinner at your place, cook for her, buy a cheap wine and maybe she will enjoy the personal touch. i had a boyfriend before who's into doing expensive stuffs but he himself cannot afford doing those things. he was very picky with food (like raw and veggies) so most of the time we go to non-Japanese restaurants which are sort of expensive here. i then decided to go with the divine intervention direction since i was trying to save money. i offered to cook for him then we can just chillax at home watching movies while we have dinner. because of that experience when i was dating, i make sure the guy isn't so picky and our lifestyles match. luckily my fiance is not picky. i made him eat traditional Japanese street food, had several cheap but fund dates but he enjoyed it. occasional vacations are fine as long as you plan for it to make sure you won't be spending so much and put yourself to debt just to please your partner. this in a way is a good test also to see if a person is likely to endure hardships. like you, i have a lot of struggles in life...i am the breadwinner of my family so i focus a lot on financial matters. i make sure my partner understand that part about me because it's they way i am even before i met them.
Sabali Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Vertex, I completely understand your struggles here. I struggled to and have been in your situation before except my ex from that time was a real spoiled princess and felt that she was entitled to every thing. As she saw me struggling, she offered to pay for nothing while she saw me fighting tooth and nail to achieve success. She made much more money than me and drove around in luxurious, expensive cars. It was like a slap in the face. I knew that I was on a path to surpass her but it bothered me at that time that I couldn't do all of the nicer things that was supposed to make a relationship really exciting because I was struggling so hard. While I was training for my career years back and jumping through all of the necessary hoops to get somewhere in life, one of my superiors told me something simple that stuck with me and pretty much helped me to accept my struggles. While many people were impressed and blown away by my past and all of the misfortune I had to endure to make it, this one supervisor was not impressed. He asked me about my past and as I was telling him that I was proud of myself for enduring so much and getting to that point in my life, he cut me off in mid-sentence, waved me off and said: "We play the cards we are given." It doesn't matter where anyone comes from and what privileges or misfortune we grew up with. We simply have to play our hand and not worry about the cards in another person's hand. You have to play the cards you are given. Your hand is going to have you fighting much harder than your girlfriend. That is just how it is. Trust me, Vertex, my story doesn't smell like roses either so I am not dismissing your struggles and I fully identify with them. PM me if you like. I would be glad to get a dialogue going with you.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 In that scenario I'd say your superior was being rather rude, to be honest. Yes, we play the cards we're given. But it's much harder to come out ahead in Poker if you draw 2-7 offsuit than it is if you draw A-A or A-K. It takes a lot of skill and dedication to make the best of a bad situation. We may not have any choice in our cards -- and yes, we have to play them -- but the two situations are simply not comparable. Back on topic, though, I am starting to feel a bit better about the whole thing. She again brought back dinner last night so I think she is trying her best to empathize with my efforts to save money (especially with the large trip coming up). I cooked for us the other night but it didn't turn out great (I'm not the best cook). However I do notice a drop in her excitement level recently, so that's what I'm worried about. I can't tell how much of it is attributable to the stress of her job or how much of it is somehow boredom. Our sex life has gotten somewhat stale recently, too.
Sabali Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 In that scenario I'd say your superior was being rather rude, to be honest. Yes, we play the cards we're given. But it's much harder to come out ahead in Poker if you draw 2-7 offsuit than it is if you draw A-A or A-K. It takes a lot of skill and dedication to make the best of a bad situation. We may not have any choice in our cards -- and yes, we have to play them -- but the two situations are simply not comparable. I thought it was rude at first until I reflected on what he said. Whatever story you or I can conjure up, someone can always tell you about a worse one. They will tell you about the girl from this or that country who had to grow up in poverty in the midst of civil wars and abuse and came to America to become successful or the guy born with no legs. Too many people have these stories. Not everyone can grow up with a silver spoon in their mouth and a lot of people have it easier than others. This is the way of life. What I found is that people generally do not care about where you start. They care about where you finish and if you are playing your cards right. You said: "It takes a lot of skill and dedication to make the best of a bad situation." That is all people care about in the end. If you have the dedication in the end to turn things around. Your problem is simply one of what many relationships have and many divorces occur over. Money If you had a lot more money, this will still be a problem. Trust me.
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