I am jealous of my girlfriend and it's eating away at me

April 4, 2011

I don't know how to organize my thoughts, here, so I'll just lay it out stream-of-consciousness style.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. We're both 24 and we both work in finance/tech in NYC at separate companies.

Crux of the problem: Jealousy and bitterness is eating away at me.

Things I hate about myself:

1. I came from a very abusive family rife with neglect, ignorance, pain, death, and apathy -- very much devoid of love/support/education/etc.

2. I went to an Ivy League and my financial aid got slaughtered after the first year, leaving me with rather nasty loans. I supported myself throughout all four years and worked many hours per week. I'm a very smart guy (perfect scores, top rank, polyglot, etc), but I was just so overwhelmed in college and I felt that the financial situation really held me back.

3. I'm not satisfied at work. Work is too easy for me and I'm finding myself constantly wanting more stimulation. I don't have many coworkers my own age (and the few that are don't work in my area of the building), and so social interaction is not where I'd like it to be.

4. I make enough to cover my expenses and live relatively comfortably ("comfortable" by NYC standards -- still a tiny room), but I make so little on the margin because I pay for everything myself and have large expenses.

Things I am jealous of:

1. My girlfriend's family is extremely large, loving, funny, kind, giving, fun to be around, close, etc.

2. When my girlfriend's not at my place, she's at home. In other words, she doesn't need to pay for rent, her own food much of the time, etc.

3. My girlfriend recently got a job interview bc she's dissatisfied with her job, and it indeed pays more money.

4. When we go out on dinner dates, I'm still the one picking up most of the bills. (Not that there's anything wrong with this, but read on)

My problem:

I feel like I can't be the man I want despite feeling like I've done everything to the best of my abilities. I feel so far behind because I had such a lousy upbringing. My finances aren't as strong as they should be. I feel like I could be working for a lot more money but I am just so horrible at interviewing (I get too nervous and lock up and start rambling nonsense. It's embarrassing to witness).

At the same time I am envious at how easy everything comes for my girlfriend. When she has trouble, her family is there to help. Because she has no expenses, she technically has more earning power than I do MANY times over. Right now I make more money than she does, but when she jumps ship here soon, that will change -- meaning that the difference in purchasing ability will be even greater.

All those years growing up, I've worked so hard to make a path for myself. I overcame obstacles of abuse and neglect and managed to wiggle my way into a top uni only to get hit again with huge financial troubles. I feel like all this work has been for nothing. I always envisioned myself being a top dog in many aspects as a result of hard work and brains.

Now I feel like I'm so far behind despite all my efforts and I feel so emasculated. I always (and willingly) pick up our dinner bills (and she does offer sometimes, but not very often), despite the fact that I hear countless friends proclaim that they usually go dutch with their significant others. I *want* to be able to pay for things like this but I'm just torn inside because it feels like a contest between being the kind of man I want to be and the fact that the kind of man I want to be is putting a huge strain on my life. I can't keep up with her. She likes to go eat at great restaurants with me and take a couple vacations each year, which is perfectly fine -- but I have a hell of a time keeping up with her desired hobbies/activities. Not that I wouldn't want to do those things either... it's just a lot harder for me to afford than it is for her.

I hate the fact that I feel like I'm struggling so hard and I feel jealous that my girlfriend has it easier. I hate the notion of people looking down on me somehow because my girlfriend has a stronger financial base than I do -- as if I am somehow not smart enough or skilled enough to do better myself despite how far I've gotten on my own thus far. My girlfriend is aware of my financial difficulties but I try to keep a lot of my thoughts internalized because I do *not* want to come across as some bitter dude whining over money. At the same time, it's not healthy for me to keep this buried inside.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I'm just extremely upset and jealous and I'm not sure how to rectify what I am feeling.

Edited April 4, 2011 by VertexSquared

April 4, 2011

Your girlfriend is aware of your financial difficulties but doesn't offer to pay very often. This isn't so much about manhood, as not being treated with consideration by your SO.

Time to bite the bullet, sit her back down and make her understand that the good times are over, that in order for you to get from under mounting debt, that either she's going to have to buck up her share or your activities will need to be steeply curtailed.

If she can't understand this, she's no finance person. She can either be an asset to you or continue being a liability.

April 4, 2011

I understand that we come from different backgrounds and I don't fault her for that.

Finding work (for me) is tough because, again, I am horrible at interviews. I get nervous, lock up, stutter, ramble, sweat, and my mind is completely unable to focus. I got the current job I have now because while there was an interview (that I bombed), they cared about performance and gave me a project to work on with a week deadline (sent it back completed in less than an hour).

I don't want to disclose my salary info publicly but I'll just say that when all expenses are taken into account, I maybe have ~$800 net gain per month to spend however I want. It's an extremely, extremely close call.

The problem is that there's a clear incompatibility in the relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I'd love to make more money, but I suck at interviews (and have practiced in mock interviews more times than I care to mention. I just can't do them, period). I'd love to have fewer expenses, but this isn't realistic. I'd love for my girlfriend and I to go dutch more often, but I feel like this would be seen as a huge setback.

April 4, 2011

At this point in the relationship, splitting the bill shouldn't be something to be frowned upon. A huge setback? It should be viewed as a step forward. You aren't "dating" anymore, you are equal partners in a relationship.

My boyfriend and I always take turns paying for dates, whether it's dinner or a movie or what have you. It's not rigid ("Oh, I paid last time, so it's your turn!") or anything, we just kind of naturally give and take. Whoever grabs the bill first, really. It's part of the natural progression of the relationship.

April 4, 2011

Your girlfriend is aware of your financial difficulties but doesn't offer to pay very often. This isn't so much about manhood, as not being treated with consideration by your SO.

Time to bite the bullet, sit her back down and make her understand that the good times are over, that in order for you to get from under mounting debt, that either she's going to have to buck up her share or your activities will need to be steeply curtailed.

If she can't understand this, she's no finance person. She can either be an asset to you or continue being a liability.

The thing is is that she does offer in other ways. Even though we'll sometimes go out to eat, I have every right to say "no, I need to cut back" and she will respect this. We have an upcoming vacation (that will involve a very large and expensive dinner -- I've agreed to pay for that and she's agreed to pay for everything else we do on that vacation), and she's given me plenty of opportunities to back out because she doesn't want to put strain on me. She has even offered to cover part of the dinner too if I felt I was unable to handle it.

Problem is that I always say "Yes, I can handle it" even if it's going to stretch me thin. I don't want to be a downer who has to hold his girlfriend back from doing fun things.

April 4, 2011

Your girlfriend is aware of your financial difficulties but doesn't offer to pay very often. This isn't so much about manhood, as not being treated with consideration by your SO.

Time to bite the bullet, sit her back down and make her understand that the good times are over, that in order for you to get from under mounting debt, that either she's going to have to buck up her share or your activities will need to be steeply curtailed.

If she can't understand this, she's no finance person. She can either be an asset to you or continue being a liability.

I agree. It doesn't seem like she's very understanding of your difficulties if she rarely offers to pay at least her share of things. Someone who truly understood and wanted to help would pony up more or be fine with going out less/spending less money on dates.

Edit: Saw your post, Vertex. That's good, then. You just need to work on using "No" a little more when it counts.

April 4, 2011

Have you considered a roommate? Have you considered asking her to pitch in on utilities or something if she stays over most of the time?

I will say that it's not attractive for a guy to feel like "less of a man" because his lady friend earns more. Welcome to my life. I always earn more, probably always will, and I HATE when guys somehow use that against me. This is one you have to soul search and get over.

Now, the fact that you have been together a year and she knows of your financial situation yet is not willing to do anything about it screams red flag to me. This is the girl who you have constantly touted as being so giving and loving. Well...I'm not seeing it here. I"m seeing that you are giving and stretching yourself as thin as you can while she sits back and socks money away for...what exactly? Her own place? A place to share with you? A wedding? An elephant?

It's time to sit down and talk to her about how you cannot afford these things. She will make concessions if she wants what is best for both of you. She has always sounded so great. I don't know why this can't be worked through as well.

As for the family stuff, we can't help what we have. Heck, I have nothing. Unless I happen to end up with a new BF before the next holiday season I'll be sitting at home alone on Christmas. (Oh the joy.) I try to think of it in a way that isn't so bad. I have no worldly ties to hold me back from accomplishing great things. I only have to worry about me. Not many people have that luxury. (Not that it doesn't suck most of the time, but I try to stay positive. The world is now my oyster.)

April 4, 2011

Your problem in interviews is your confidence. You never answered my question as to you job title/responsibilities and your experience(how long you've been doing this job).

Yes, a lot of it is confidence, but it's only because I know that my problem-solving style is not conducive to how interviews typically play out. I'm not the kind of guy who can sit there and talk someone through his thought process in real time. I like to sit there in silence, solve something, and then explain myself after the fact. Explaining my thoughts as I am having them is just impossible, and yet sitting there in silence usually brings on a lot of anxiety if I choose to go that route.

I've been at my current job a little over a year now, and I'm an analyst. I do a lot of financial reporting, in addition to tech work (programming macros, coding spreadsheets, handling databases, etc). It's a bit of a quant-y position.

April 4, 2011

I don't want to disclose my salary info publicly but I'll just say that when all expenses are taken into account, I maybe have ~$800 net gain per month to spend however I want. It's an extremely, extremely close call.
The problem is that there's a clear incompatibility in the relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I'd love to make more money, but I suck at interviews (and have practiced in mock interviews more times than I care to mention. I just can't do them, period). I'd love to have fewer expenses, but this isn't realistic. I'd love for my girlfriend and I to go dutch more often, but I feel like this would be seen as a huge setback.

Seriously... you are doing fine. You link masculinity to material wealth WAY too much. The stuff that you have accomplished is more than most people could hope for... so don't feel bad about it.

You should probably find something or someone to help your interview skills. Greater job satisfaction will make you feel better about yourself overall.

Regarding your GF... you really need to just stop paying for her all the time. Use the saved money to cover the expensive vacations. If you can't afford one, then tell her and maybe you two can find a way to reduce the expense of the trip. If she just goes without you... then she sucks and doesn't really care about you. Then you know... so win-win.

April 4, 2011

Have you considered a roommate? Have you considered asking her to pitch in on utilities or something if she stays over most of the time?

I will say that it's not attractive for a guy to feel like "less of a man" because his lady friend earns more. Welcome to my life. I always earn more, probably always will, and I HATE when guys somehow use that against me. This is one you have to soul search and get over.

Now, the fact that you have been together a year and she knows of your financial situation yet is not willing to do anything about it screams red flag to me. This is the girl who you have constantly touted as being so giving and loving. Well...I'm not seeing it here. I"m seeing that you are giving and stretching yourself as thin as you can while she sits back and socks money away for...what exactly? Her own place? A place to share with you? A wedding? An elephant?

It's time to sit down and talk to her about how you cannot afford these things. She will make concessions if she wants what is best for both of you. She has always sounded so great. I don't know why this can't be worked through as well.

As for the family stuff, we can't help what we have. Heck, I have nothing. Unless I happen to end up with a new BF before the next holiday season I'll be sitting at home alone on Christmas. (Oh the joy.) I try to think of it in a way that isn't so bad. I have no worldly ties to hold me back from accomplishing great things. I only have to worry about me. Not many people have that luxury. (Not that it doesn't suck most of the time, but I try to stay positive. The world is now my oyster.)

Yes, I have a few roommates already. Utilities isn't a huge deal. That comes out to like $30-$40 per person per month. The biggie is rent. NYC rent is retardedly high.

It's not so much that I feel like less of a man, although this is true in the sense that I feel like I'm not as strong as I could otherwise be had things played out differently in a stable, more normal family. The problem is that I just can't keep up with my girlfriend and feel like I'm going to be holding her back from doing what she wants to do with me because I have relatively more trouble handling the costs.

EDIT: Wait, what!? New BF? What happened to the old one?! I've been out of the loop. @_@

April 4, 2011

The thing is is that she does offer in other ways. Even though we'll sometimes go out to eat, I have every right to say "no, I need to cut back" and she will respect this. We have an upcoming vacation (that will involve a very large and expensive dinner -- I've agreed to pay for that and she's agreed to pay for everything else we do on that vacation), and she's given me plenty of opportunities to back out because she doesn't want to put strain on me. She has even offered to cover part of the dinner too if I felt I was unable to handle it.

Problem is that I always say "Yes, I can handle it" even if it's going to stretch me thin. I don't want to be a downer who has to hold his girlfriend back from doing fun things.

Glad to hear that she is being somewhat considerate and I get where you're coming from.

But...

You can't maintain this pace and you know it, which is really what's bothering you. You have an image of what financial situation you want to be in, where this situation almost defines your manhood.

But you have to understand something. That situation isn't your manhood. You're already a very cool guy who just needs an injection of patience, realism, confidence in self and belief that you too, are worth setting some boundaries.

You're wicked smart, above average looking, have drive and treat your SO incredibly well. It's okay to need time to get all your ducks in a row.

Try not to fear loss so much. If your g/f walks away from feeling restricted, does she truly love who you are?

April 4, 2011

Eventually she is going to have to leave the nest and be subjected to the same rigors. Mommy and daddy can't live forever so they can continue to give princess a posh pad.

April 4, 2011

TBF: I fear loss because I feel like my life is full of it. I work hard for something and then I lose it. I feel like if I give my girlfriend a sort of "You need to pay for yourself from now on/I need to cut back" ultimatum, she'll say OK but then slowly our relationship will start to fall apart because there are so many guys my age working in finance who don't have these expenses. In my circle of friends (from school, etc), almost everyone comes from a good family and they're all relatively expense-free and constantly going out and doing fun things/going on trips/etc.

Maybe I am not putting enough faith in myself. My girlfriend loves me very much and is constantly talking about moving in together and how we're in this together, etc -- but I just feel like I can't stick up for myself because I'll just keep losing anything I stand up to. I already have so little and don't want to give up something so great otherwise.

At the same time I don't know if I am being unreasonable/if my girlfriend is doing everything correctly that she can do in this situation/etc.

April 4, 2011

TBF: I fear loss because I feel like my life is full of it. I work hard for something and then I lose it. I feel like if I give my girlfriend a sort of "You need to pay for yourself from now on/I need to cut back" ultimatum, she'll say OK but then slowly our relationship will start to fall apart because there are so many guys my age working in finance who don't have these expenses. In my circle of friends (from school, etc), almost everyone comes from a good family and they're all relatively expense-free and constantly going out and doing fun things/going on trips/etc.

Maybe I am not putting enough faith in myself. My girlfriend loves me very much and is constantly talking about moving in together and how we're in this together, etc -- but I just feel like I can't stick up for myself because I'll just keep losing anything I stand up to. I already have so little and don't want to give up something so great otherwise.

At the same time I don't know if I am being unreasonable/if my girlfriend is doing everything correctly that she can do in this situation/etc.

Look at it another way. Does she really love "you" if she's willing to walk away when she knows your financial situation? It's not as if you're a cheap screw or sponge because you're not. You also don't have to hard line it with her that she pay her way everytime. But she too has to offer to pay for you and be driven to act as such. That's the nature of a relationship, where the two of you can depend on each other. There shouldn't be any free rides.

Loss of someone because they loved your money, isn't much loss at all.

April 4, 2011

The problem is that there's a clear incompatibility in the relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I'd love to make more money, but I suck at interviews (and have practiced in mock interviews more times than I care to mention. I just can't do them, period). I'd love to have fewer expenses, but this isn't realistic. I'd love for my girlfriend and I to go dutch more often, but I feel like this would be seen as a huge setback.

Why do you think that your discomfort with interviewing or your expenses amounts to a relationship incompatibility??

April 4, 2011

Look at it another way. Does she really love "you" if she's willing to walk away when she knows your financial situation? It's not as if you're a cheap screw or sponge because you're not. You also don't have to hard line it with her that she pay her way everytime. But she too has to offer to pay for you and be driven to act as such. That's the nature of a relationship, where the two of you can depend on each other. There shouldn't be any free rides.

Loss of someone because they loved your money, isn't much loss at all.

I'm just more afraid of the possibility. I am pretty sure she isn't just in it for money, considering I don't have a lot of extra. The problem is that I don't know where to make the cutoff between what I can buy and what is affordable.

If something costs X and I have more than X after expenses, I can buy it, but that doesn't mean I can afford it. Namely, I have to take into account unexpected future costs (such as a visit to the ER or if I lose my job or if I want to save up for something even better later, etc).

I have a hard time making this call because I can certainly buy things -- I can, mathematically, afford the vacations/meals/etc even on 800 net per month. But I feel like it's cutting it too close to home, esp. when I consider that my gf, comparatively, makes like 3k margin (in other words, it'd take me three times as long to have the same margin). I feel like I'm putting myself at a comparatively greater risk.

At the same time, I know that if something were to go wrong, she'd be there for me. If I lost my job I know she'd let me stay at her house (I've slept over from time to time on weekends).

Star Gazer: The incompatibility derives from the relatively wide purchasing power gap in our leftover earnings.

April 4, 2011

Another question. Do you consider your job difficult(for you, not for someone else to pick it up)?

No, I don't consider it personally difficult. Plenty of times we'll encounter obstacles but imo they're usually easily solved.

PS how old are you?

Edited April 4, 2011 by VertexSquared

April 4, 2011

Bottom line in this day and age you should be splitting everything. Seriously feel free to ask for separate checks. You need to ask for separate checks.

As for your girlfriend having a good family that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. If you guys get married maybe they will buy you a start place or some other great ****.

You seem to be doing well for a 24 year old guy, $800 net after expenses. If that’s 800 after rent, utilities, food, insurance etc then wow!

I’m pretty sure I come from a tougher background then you do and unlike you I never went to an Ivey league school or made much money. Yet I would say I’m probably happier then you are. You’re 24 stop being in such a rush and enjoy your gf and be happy for the things she has. Stop paying for her and you’ll feel a lot better about your situation.

I still think it gives you a romantic edge to pay for the first few dates but once a relationship is solidified you can’t be expected to pay for some one all the time who has their own job and makes around what you do. Seriously blame yourself and start asking for separate checks or split checks. Say no to going out to a restaurant if its not in your budget and instead suggest cooking something at home where you guys split the cost of ingredients. Don’t go on vacations you can’t afford and make sure you split the cost of the vacation 50/50. Finally if she is at your place a lot feel free to ask her for money at least for utilities maybe for more if she is kind of living out of your place.

April 4, 2011

Star Gazer: The incompatibility derives from the relatively wide purchasing power gap in our leftover earnings.

I still fail to see why purchasing power plays a role in whether you are compatible as a couple.

April 4, 2011

I still fail to see why purchasing power plays a role in whether you are compatible as a couple.

Different levels of spending ability typically correlate to different levels of lifestyle. If you make more money, you can do more. Therefore there may be scenarios where my girlfriend will want to do things that I can't afford as easily.

April 4, 2011

I'm just more afraid of the possibility. I am pretty sure she isn't just in it for money, considering I don't have a lot of extra. The problem is that I don't know where to make the cutoff between what I can buy and what is affordable.

If something costs X and I have more than X after expenses, I can buy it, but that doesn't mean I can afford it. Namely, I have to take into account unexpected future costs (such as a visit to the ER or if I lose my job or if I want to save up for something even better later, etc).

I have a hard time making this call because I can certainly buy things -- I can, mathematically, afford the vacations/meals/etc even on 800 net per month. But I feel like it's cutting it too close to home, esp. when I consider that my gf, comparatively, makes like 3k margin (in other words, it'd take me three times as long to have the same margin). I feel like I'm putting myself at a comparatively greater risk.

At the same time, I know that if something were to go wrong, she'd be there for me. If I lost my job I know she'd let me stay at her house (I've slept over from time to time on weekends).

Star Gazer: The incompatibility derives from the relatively wide purchasing power gap in our leftover earnings.

Roll yourself back to $500 - $600/month, saving the $200 - 300 for potential emergencies and investment. Let her know that you're going to have to cut back by x percentage and that your activities will have to be curtailed by doing a less expensive activity. If she really loves you, she won't mind. Going out for expensive dinners all the time isn't even close to being a necessity.

April 4, 2011

Different levels of spending ability typically correlate to different levels of lifestyle. If you make more money, you can do more. Therefore there may be scenarios where my girlfriend will want to do things that I can't afford as easily.

Did you read any of my post? The context of this post tells me you just don't get it.

Look you can't live life based on hypothetical what if's. This all seems to be in your head. Keep looking for a job you like better if you feel you deserve more. Also ask your gf to pay for half of everything including vacations, entertainment, food etc. Finally if she is over at your place a lot feel free to ask for utilities and heck maybe even rent money if she practically lives with you.

Money doesn't equal happiness. A partner with a good family is an asset not a burden.

April 4, 2011

Different levels of spending ability typically correlate to different levels of lifestyle. If you make more money, you can do more. Therefore there may be scenarios where my girlfriend will want to do things that I can't afford as easily.

Why are you focused on what could potentially happen? Are these actualities? Has she asked you to spend money on activities you cannot afford?

If so... STILL, how does an activity here or there that she might want to do make you incompatible as a couple?

April 4, 2011

Why are you focused on what could potentially happen? Are these actualities? Has she asked you to spend money on activities you cannot afford?

If so... STILL, how does an activity here or there that she might want to do make you incompatible as a couple?

I believe it's important to plan ahead. As I mentioned earlier, having >X doesn't mean you can afford X. Life is unpredictable and I know that all sorts of crap hits the fan at various points in life. I can't risk spending everything I make because then if I have to fend a cost that I legitimately can't handle, everything falls apart.

Whether or not we want to define that as "incompatible" is a matter of semantics. The bottom line is that it's a difficulty.

April 4, 2011

As you said, life is unpredictable but you can't plan for one's desires. You can't plan for what she might want to do or not.

But even if she ultimately wants to do activities that are expensive, and you either can't or don't want to... Please answer the question: How does that make you inherently incompatible as a couple?

You are where you are RIGHT NOW. Unless she's demonstrated that she has a proclivity for living beyond her means, you'd be best served to avoid creating problems where there are none.

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I am jealous of my girlfriend and it's eating away at me

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