JustEmptyInside Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Well - on the more positive side of the story, I made it through the ex's birthday without breaking NC. As stupid as it sounds, it was a lot more difficult than I expected it to be. I suppose that after you care about someone for so long, its hard to go cold. But many thanks to all on here for your posts. Every time I felt like I was going to break, reading some of the threads here kept me in line and on track Now for the other side - I've been having moments in the last few months where i've actually felt serious guilt, which is strange considering that she's the one who cheated and left for the other guy. But these have been isolated and I can push through. Today though, for some reason it's hitting me harder than ever. Knowing that this new guy is likely to hurt her in the end, thinking that she may wind up by herself, or unhappy, or hurt with the wrong guy. Thinking that if only I could be there for her. I keep picturing her in my head, sad, crying. All I ever wanted when we were together was for her to be happy and know how loved she really was. Then I think about how stupid I am for even thinking these things after all that's happened. I guess my question for all of you out there - has anyone else felt like this even after you were heartlessly stomped on and thrown away? Or are my weaknesses just starting to get the better of me... Whatever it is, it's definitely set me back quite a few steps
fetish Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Hey Just Empty, I hear what you're saying. I'm going through similar feelings of guilt. My ex contacts me and she wants me to contact her. I don't contact her because she's the one who left and decided to move out when there was a disagreement. She just disregarded our entire relationship which we built for 8 years. I just feel hurt. Your situation, I'm a little curious as to why you feel guilt. I know i'm from the outside looking in, but why would you give a rats a$$ what happens to her after what she did. You were with your ex for 6 years and she was able to do this. It shows you are a strong, caring person to still be concerned for her but you need to channel all that energy to caring about what happens to you. Just my .002
TryTryAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I felt the guilt after not sending my ex a happy b-day text too. Her behavior was absolutely unacceptable, so I was questioning why should I feel guilty. I came to the conclusion that I felt guilty because I pride myself on "taking the high road." I felt like I was playing some sort of game by not sending her a text, and playing games is completely out of character for me....So what did I do about it? I let the guilt get the best of me and I ended up sending her a "happy belated birthday" text about 5 days after the fact. That was SO stupid. She didn't respond. I felt like a big dummy for doing that. So, please don't feel guilty. You don't owe her anything. At least your not a schmuck like me who sent a "belated" birthday text.
cincy_one Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I feel your pain/Im going through the same thing/her birthday is coming up on the 23rd/dont want to break NC...but.....Its gonna be hard not to..I get myself sick thinking about it/I have been NC for 3 weeks now/she did call me on Saturday/I didnt answer it/Dying to know what she wanted..Proably something stupid..I figure no good can come from answering her call..No way she wants me back.....You are right..Its not getting an easier...I am so beside myself,I dont know what to do..Cant get this woman off my mind..I just hope its gets easier..It was a bad weekend.....I cannot call her and be dissapointed...Hang in there man..We will get through this..
Author JustEmptyInside Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Thanks for the kind replies guys. Fetish - that's a good question, lol. I guess what a lot of it comes down to for me is that I really felt like what we had was so strong. I know how much I love(d) her, and I know that at one time she felt the same. I guess in my mind I feel like, if she ever did come around (whether she reached out to me or not) and realized that "hey - what the hell was I thinking?", I don't know that I could ever trust her or be with her again. Then the part of me takes over wondering if she'll wind up unhappy or settling for less than she deserves. I guess in my mind I really thought that I was the guy who finally made her happy (she told me that all the time). It's like we had one chance in this lifetime to be together and we blew it - I know we both has some responsibility in the relationship falling apart. Looking at it from the outside, I know that it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I guess I just still have feelings for her that may never go away, even after all that happened.
smudge21 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I think it's more down to the fact you still have strong feelings for the ex and they make you think about her this way. I too have the same feelings, that my ex is going to ruin her life without me in it. I felt the same way many years ago with another ex, but I know eventually it won't be my concern. The feelings will be gone and with them, those feelings of guilt will go too.
Author JustEmptyInside Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) Thanks smudge - I hope you're right. At least I know i'm not crazy for feeling like this. What amazes me still is that most guys on this board who were dumped still say that their ex tries to contact them. Part of me almost wishes that mine would, though I know that would be no good for me. Guess I just miss her still. I'm into month 4 now since the drop and despite the fact that our financial and property matters are still unsettled, she doesn't so much as think about me from what I can gather. Guess she's happy with the new POS. Maybe that's part of this guilt that I never thought of - the feeling like i'm the one who failed. Maybe if I had tried harder, done something different, maybe we wouldn't be going through this. I also know that's poisonous thinking. In the end I know that it doesn't matter at this point - what's done is done. And while I so hope to reach some level of healing eventually, I think that some part of her will probably be with me forever. I've never really let anyone get that close to me before her, guess it just seems daunting to have to carry that baggage around with you forever. But hey - what doesn't kill us and all...... Really do appreciate everyone on this board. Nice having some other voices with me in the black hole that is my life. Edited April 4, 2011 by JustEmptyInside
JasonRules Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 @OP It is natural to feel feelings of guilt because you didn't wish her anything on her birthday. My exes birthday was on the 28th of March and I didn't call, email, or text her anything. It was difficult, but I managed to get by that day. Naturally, you get hit with guilt a few days later, but you have to keep telling yourself its for the best. Yes, you could have sent her a text message as could have I, but what if they never cared to respond? How would that make us feel? It would drag us even further down than we already are at. And on the flip side, and even if they did say "Thank you", what would change? We would be happy for a few minutes, but a simple "thank you" reply doesn't change the fact that they didn't want to be with us or that they ended it. So their is no point in overanalyzing this. We are not with them anymore and they should not have any expectations from us about anything. When I was together with my ex-girlfriend I would do many things for her in terms of wishes, gifts, and things completely out of the blue to show my appreciation and put a smile on her face. However, that when then and now that she is no longer with me she will no longer be receiving such benefits. They made their bed, now they have to sleep in it. Aside from this, I informed my ex that I will no longer be communicating with her at all and that if what she felt for me was real and she wants to have a normal relationship with me, she'll know what to do. The ball is in her court. We need to maintain strict NC even if it pains us because getting over them is of absolute necessity, because they may or they may never come back. So stay strong and post here if you're feeling down or depressed. Ultimately, we're all in the same boat and we're here to support each other.
radiodarcy Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 i know what you mean. my ex's bday isn't until july. hopefully by then i won't even care enough to feel guilty. but now - - the idea of not sending him a bday text 3 months from now is enough to make me feel guilty. i just have to remind myself of two things: a.) he never contacted me for my bday which was in february b.) he'll be too busy getting bday sex from his new girl to care whether i contact him or not. of course, the latter would be enough to keep me away from him on that day and all the days in between and after!!
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