threebyfate Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Since my little man has been teething and sleeping through the night hasn't been a reality, here's an article I found while trying to bore myself back to sleep: Here’s the deal Ladies, men are not stupid. They deserve a lot more credit then we give them. I’m hear to tell you, unless you have specifically said, “Please don’t call me regularly.” , they know you’d like them to call, text, IM, or send smoke signals. They know you’d like to hear from them. They also know exactly what not calling means. It means they aren’t 100% engaged in being with you. They might be interested, but they aren’t fully in the game. Unfortunately, to paraphrase the book, He’s Just Not That Into You. A link to the balance of the article.
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 All well qnd good, until I reached the last line: The point is to demonstrate to the Universe how you want to be treated and let that Divine Organizing Force sort it out. WTF does that mean? Gimme a break.....!
Author threebyfate Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 As a guess, it means to set your boundaries and whatever happens after that is beyond your control.
tigressA Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 As a guess, it means to set your boundaries and whatever happens after that is beyond your control. This is how I read it too. I agree with the article. I've been one of those girls myself when it came to a guy I really liked but I should have known better, having been in relationships where the guy really wanted me and showed me. Truly, ladies--if you don't hear from him he is not interested in you, end of story. If you call or text and he entertains that, it doesn't mean that the tide is going to change. He still will not initiate, meaning that his interest is not sufficient. Any excuse for no contact except death (his own or someone else's) is null and void.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Yep, 100% agreed. Whenever a guy was strongly interested in me, he stayed in regular contact. Women should really be more efficient with the nexting process.
Kamille Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Whenever a guy was strongly interested in me, he stayed in regular contact. Women should really be more efficient with the nexting process. I know I'm in the minority here, but I've never seen the point in nexting a guy. I usually stick low-interest guys on the backburner. Never burn any bridges kind of thing. I think women shouldn't take low interest personally. That, of course, means that women should also be able to not get too emotionally attached to a guy until he's proven he's worth it. As to the boundary stuff, I couldn't agree more however. Women should be clear on whether or not they're interested in a guy. Hope you get to have a good nap today TBF!
sumdude Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I know I'm in the minority here, but I've never seen the point in nexting a guy. I usually stick low-interest guys on the backburner. Never burn any bridges kind of thing. I think women shouldn't take low interest personally. That, of course, means that women should also be able to not get too emotionally attached to a guy until he's proven he's worth it. As to the boundary stuff, I couldn't agree more however. Women should be clear on whether or not they're interested in a guy. Hope you get to have a good nap today TBF! This is a good attitude. It's not a chase, it's a dance.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Kamille, it comes down to your personal intimacy style. I need strong interest level displayed from date 1 to make me feel connected and comfortable in opening up. With strong interest level, I mean some sort of contact every day, even if just a few texts or brief IM session. I am not really patient enough for low interest guys. I usually start pushing them to increase contact and get over-emotional because I feel rejected, then they bail.
Cee Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 For me, it boils down to face 2 face. If I'm not seeing the guy 1-2 times a week (to start), he's not into me at the level I want. I used Kamille's strategy of putting low interest guys on the back burner. The problem with that is I developed a list of "hangers on" who'd contact me now and then. I got tired of these low interest guys and blocked/deleted all of them eventually.
SmileFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I know I'm in the minority here, but I've never seen the point in nexting a guy. I usually stick low-interest guys on the backburner. Never burn any bridges kind of thing. I think women shouldn't take low interest personally. That, of course, means that women should also be able to not get too emotionally attached to a guy until he's proven he's worth it. As to the boundary stuff, I couldn't agree more however. Women should be clear on whether or not they're interested in a guy. Hope you get to have a good nap today TBF! I agree, we have to understand life sometimes gets in the way. I see no reason to next a guy unless it has a true purpose. If I am talking to a guy and things die off ,on both ends - we are both merely put on the backburner. I really don't see how this is a bad thing. You never know sometime down the road you may just have time for each other. Nexting a guy because his interest level isn't 100% seems insecure. It seems like you can't get over the fact that the world does not revolves around you. They may be other girls - oh well , that is life. Girls shouldn't even be so emotionally attached if he isn't 100%.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I agree, we have to understand life sometimes gets in the way. I see no reason to next a guy unless it has a true purpose. If I am talking to a guy and things die off ,on both ends - we are both merely put on the backburner. I really don't see how this is a bad thing. You never know sometime down the road you may just have time for each other. Nexting a guy because his interest level isn't 100% seems insecure. It seems like you can't get over the fact that the world does not revolves around you. They may be other girls - oh well , that is life. Girls shouldn't even be so emotionally attached if he isn't 100%. That's how you get threads such as, I haven't heard from him in a week what do I do? It's fine if the woman is not invested herself. It becomes a problem when a woman is invested and ignores other man along the line because she is obsessing over the low interest guy.
Leeway Harris Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I know this is "for the ladies", but I have to make one comment: You obviously see a very, VERY bright line between a man paying attention to you in a good way, and stalking you in a creepy way. I don't see that line, nor do most men. And it has more to do with who the man is than the actual behavior, it seems. If you really like a guy, it'd be hard for him to pay too much attention to you. If you don't, even a phone call will be too much attention. If a guy doesn't know whether you like him, he may be afraid to cross the line into creepy stalker territory, so he won't call you.
Kamille Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It becomes a problem when a woman is invested and ignores other man along the line because she is obsessing over the low interest guy. Well one thing I surely believe is that we should always put our own well-being first. If I found myself obsessing over a guy who hadn't proven worthy of being in my thoughts, then yes, I would probably need to next him. But I agree with SmileFace in general. Then again, I think it has a lot to do with personalities and our own personal sense of security. I can live with a fairly high level of uncertainty in my life. I generally found flirting and dating fun, which is why I didn't mind having guys on the back burner, who might turn up at random times (although, usually, since they were on the backburner, I didn't really have time for them). I find it rather easy to let someone know I like them without feeling like I'm making myself vulnerable. I guess what I'm taking away from this discussion is that it's important for us to know ourselves and to not be afraid to set our own boundaries, be those boundaries incite us to next or put the guy on the backburner.
SmileFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 That's how you get threads such as, I haven't heard from him in a week what do I do? It's fine if the woman is not invested herself. It becomes a problem when a woman is invested and ignores other man along the line because she is obsessing over the low interest guy. I don't I actually have any threads like that ... shrugs
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I know this is "for the ladies", but I have to make one comment: You obviously see a very, VERY bright line between a man paying attention to you in a good way, and stalking you in a creepy way. I don't see that line, nor do most men. And it has more to do with who the man is than the actual behavior, it seems. If you really like a guy, it'd be hard for him to pay too much attention to you. If you don't, even a phone call will be too much attention. If a guy doesn't know whether you like him, he may be afraid to cross the line into creepy stalker territory, so he won't call you. When it comes to rape, sexual harassment, and stalker status it isn't based on reality but solely on a woman's perception after the fact.
Kamille Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 When it comes to rape, sexual harassment, and stalker status it isn't based on reality but solely on a woman's perception after the fact. Rape is far from being merely an after the fact "perception". Consent has to be given prior to any sexual act. By saying something like this, you're contributing to the problem you consider yourself to be solving. You're misleading young men into thinking women are always necessarily ambiguous. Rape is any sexual act done without consent. If your date is acting ambiguous, ask for a firm consent. If it isn't given, back off. A more appropriate way to handle this issue is to teach our young men that consent is necessary before engaging in a sexual act. If you fear that your actions could be construed as sexual harassment, stalking or rape etc, then don't act. This is all I will say on this topic in this thread, as it would otherwise derail the thread.
Author threebyfate Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Thinking about this issue more and it makes me wonder, as it relates to generalities for both genders. People who want their partners to be their everything, ditching friends or not having any, might be the ones who will hang on dearly to any sign of interest from the guy/girl, no matter how low the interest level. It's less about illustrating how a guy/girl has low interest, since somewhere deep inside they already know it, and more about learning how to really connect with an array of friends so the burden of happiness isn't erroneously placed on the shoulders of a partner. A partner can't be the sole source of happiness. Happiness is personal responsibility since once a person has accepted this, perhaps some will do some honest soul searching instead of just navel gazing, to figure out and put some serious effort into a solution for their dilemma.
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